confuzed7 Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 So, does the OW ever tell the wife? This is something I am struggling with right now for a friend of mine (I am an OW in a different type of "affair" and she is in a similar one to mine.......). I don't know the answer to this..........I have not taken that step, but I can't say that I never would..........I don't know how to advise her because I'm not sure. Part of me says Yeah, tell her if you don't care what it does to your relationship, then the other part says, no it isn't your place......what do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 It makes sense telling her only when your relationship with the MM is over. And if you decide to tell her do it for her because you think she should know she is married with a jerk, not for yourself hoping they'll get divorced or to get revenge. The very best advice to your friend would be ending the relationship BEFORE deciding whether to tell or not. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 There is no rule on this. However, I would want to know if my husband were having an affair. Look at some of the old OW/OM threads. I remember even writing a letter to demonstrate how I would tell the wife. If I were an OW, I guess it would be a very difficult decision, but I believe it is the right thing to do for moral reasons, not for revenge on the cheating husband. I think the wife should know that she could well be exposed to deadly diseases, not to mention heartbreak and humiliation. I think that if I were an OW and decided to tell, I would be able to nurse my own broken heart with the knowledge that I did the right thing. That would comfort me. I've done the right thing in other matters and it hurt and hurt bad, but at least I did the right thing and knowing that let me sleep at night. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 Hokey, I haven't spilled the beans on mine yet-I should, I agree...but should I give him a heads up first? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuzed7 Posted July 7, 2004 Author Share Posted July 7, 2004 Originally posted by HokeyReligions I think that if I were an OW and decided to tell, I would be able to nurse my own broken heart with the knowledge that I did the right thing. That would comfort me. I've done the right thing in other matters and it hurt and hurt bad, but at least I did the right thing and knowing that let me sleep at night. I agree with this completely..............in fact it is along my thinking........I am in the process of ending my relationship with my MM and have thought of telling his wife once we are completely done (waiting because we do have a child involved, etc). I know what I have been doing is wrong, and despite the love I have for him, I can't continue this with him and I think she has the right to know what she is begging to keep. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Hokey, I haven't spilled the beans on mine yet-I should, I agree...but should I give him a heads up first? Its so easy for me to spit out platitudes and suggestions, but I have never been in that situation, so I don't have an emotional frame of reference. I just don't know. How do you feel about him? I guess, more importantly, how will you feel about yourself if you don't tell him? How would you feel about yourself if you give him an opportunity to come clean with his wife first? I guess I lean toward the latter. I hope that I would be able to tell him that by such-and-such date he had better tell his wife, because the next day I would tell her. I think that would give me my second step toward improving my own self-image (the first being severing the relationship with the man) because I think that is more of a responsible way to handle things. OTOH: If I were not strong enough emotionally to take several long steps, I might just send off a letter or phone call when I had my courage up because it would be easier then stringing myself along. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 I have no delusions of love-he hasn't contacted me since I basically told him he didn't deserve my friendship-that and the fact I'm pretty sure he's becoming more and more aware of just how many people I've told. So now, contacting him SCARES me. I will be in an exercise class this week with his wife. I am worried that it will blow up in my face. True, should have thought of that before but honestly it never occured to me that he wouldn't return my feelings eventually. (Helloooo...reality bites) So all of the people I consider friends know, and everyone is still speaking to me. It's those that don' t know me well that I don't want judging me. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 How I feel about him? When I see him face to face (which hasn't been for quite a while, 2 plus weeks) I want to have sex with him. And hit him. And f*ck up his life. When I'm not around him, I want him to be thinking of what he's done. I do want him to suffer. I don't think I'll ever be able to drop the bomb without that emotion involved. But then again, I don't want him to suffer, and be unhappy because I DO care. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Most OW tell the wife foe the wrong reasons, FOR REVENGE Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 And your point is? Link to post Share on other sites
ICantStopLovinHim Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock How I feel about him? When I see him face to face (which hasn't been for quite a while, 2 plus weeks) I want to have sex with him. And hit him. And f*ck up his life. When I'm not around him, I want him to be thinking of what he's done. I do want him to suffer. I don't think I'll ever be able to drop the bomb without that emotion involved. But then again, I don't want him to suffer, and be unhappy because I DO care. OH MY GOD i can relate when i see my MM ( not too often but enough, because i live down the street from his mom) I want to hit him and hurt him the way i am hurt and yet at the same time kiss him touch him make love to him and have all those feelings all at once the way it felt to feel him near me....UGHH i feel like crying just thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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