so_difficult Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 In some ways my h is great... Thoughtful, cooks gardens, he's loving to a fault. BUT he was unfaithful for years, lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in stupid "businesses," had big problems with alcohol, hasn't supported us financially I some time. Most of this behaviour has stopped, but it has seemed for years that it's always something. Now he truly understands I'm leaving he's going crazy telling me I'm his whole life (this is not really new ... He's always been very supportive of me and loving) but the truth is I just don't want to be with him anymore. I'm feeling guilty because of how hard he's trying. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted July 14, 2012 Share Posted July 14, 2012 In some ways my h is great... Thoughtful, cooks gardens, he's loving to a fault. BUT he was unfaithful for years, lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in stupid "businesses," had big problems with alcohol, hasn't supported us financially I some time. Most of this behaviour has stopped, but it has seemed for years that it's always something. Now he truly understands I'm leaving he's going crazy telling me I'm his whole life (this is not really new ... He's always been very supportive of me and loving) but the truth is I just don't want to be with him anymore. I'm feeling guilty because of how hard he's trying. So, logically, the issue has nothing to do with who your husband is or what he did (and will do). You admitted that even if he changed you'd still want to leave. Which leads me to my next question: do you just not want to be married in general? Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_difficult Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 I think my point is not that I don't want to be married at all (although I certainly am nowhere near thinking of marrying again if I do leave) but rather that I just do not love him anymore. Someone responded on another of my threads that it's like a sack -- everything he's done goes into a sack and once it's full that's it - Like a cup overflowing I guess. That makes sense to me. I can't bear for him to kiss or touch me. When he does it makes me so depressed. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Sometimes the damage is unrepairable, and it seems like you've been in so much pain, shut off and detached from him for so long, you can't go back and open that door again. This isn't just your brain telling you this, it's your whole body. Your heart is closed too. Don't stay out of guilt. Or to make him happy. You need to do what is right for you and if leaving and divorcing is what has to happen, so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_difficult Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 @whichwayisup - yes you've hit the nail on the head. My brain, my heart, my body ... everything is closed. And I've told him this but he keeps thinking if he keeps trying eventually I'll start loving him again. Link to post Share on other sites
Tallblueyed Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I am possibly facing a similar situation. After (another) indiscretion I have left my Wife of 10+ years. Part of me believes her when she insists that she is getting long overdue help and that things will be different if I come back. But I am convinced that the damage is done and that there is no way I will be able to go back into a relationship with her. I don't expect to harbor hate or anger, but I don't expect I could ever trust her again - gave her that chance once and it bit me in the ass 10 years later - now here I am. Trust your gut on this one. When you are all alone and not trying to justify/explain anything to anyone, ask yourself if you could ever be complete with him and you will answer yourself honestly. I have moments of weakness, but in those quiet moments I don't fool myself with any fluff, my answer is, "stay away, time will heal this wound". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_difficult Posted July 17, 2012 Author Share Posted July 17, 2012 @Tallblueeyed -- thanks for the advice. When I start to think maybe I could stay I kick myself and remind myself of all the times I've been through this before, and how he convinced me to stay promising I'd "never regret it." But I keep regretting it! I'm going to look at an apartment after work tonight and will just have to get off the fence. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 The sooner you start your separation process from your husband, the better you will feel. From reading your post, it doesn't sound like you want to be married anymore to your husband. Staying in a loveless marriage (akin to being held prisoner) is a fate worse than divorce, because you're essentially sacrificing your own well being and self-worth just to please the other person, who is no longer capable of meeting your needs in the relationship. Get a divorce for your own well being. Your husband isn't going to change. You said so yourself. Knowing this, if you stay married you will remain miserable and the quality of your life will continue to diminish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author so_difficult Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Yes I do feel like a prisoner. And every day I stay I can feel my resolve slipping. Link to post Share on other sites
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