Finally the truth comes out

[Robert Z]

I was physically abused by my mother and psychologically abused by my father. No wonder I married a selfish, manipulative woman, huh.

 

We all came to terms with mom's abuse many years ago. God only knows how many times she's apologized. But for a good number of years now I have secretly harbored the knowledge that dad wasn't a nice guy. He loved my sisters to death but he always resented me. I first began to get a hint of this when I beat him at chess at age 10. He got angry! He should have been proud, but it took me a long time to realize that.

 

The bad thing was that I guess he loved me in his own way, and it made me think he was in my court and wanted me to succeed in life, but he really wasn't. He wanted me to be a failure. On many occasions he tried to sabotage my life directly and also by influencing other family members. And I strongly suspect that he pulled the same thing on other people in the family. As I got older I began to understand what going on but tried to ignore it. But with time, as I finished college went on to a successful career, it became more and more obvious that he didn't like hearing good news. The more successful I became in life the more he resented me. Eventually the pattern became all to clear.

 

Well hell's bells, out of the blue mom suddenly admitted that she knew this. I had never talked with anyone in the family about this, much less mom, so it was quite a surprise to hear her admission. I always suspected that she knew the truth but thought it best to leave the past behind. She's old and dad's long gone. What's the point? I guess I shouldn't be surprised to learn that she knew as much about dad as I did, being his wife and all.

 

When he died I never shed a tear.

[CopingGal]

Sorry you went through that. So Sorry. I wish people would be required to get training, take parenting classes and get a "check up from the neck up" before they have kids.

 

My father wasn't abusive toward me, but he was psychologically abusive toward my mom. He lived in our apt. but I didn't even know him. I think I ended up in a psychologically abusive relationship because of witnessing it again and again. I'm working hard so that won't happen again. I left my bf almost a year ago.

Edited July 14, 2012 by CopingGal

[Capris]

Im so sorry you had to go through this Robert.

Parent relationship are always weird, one way or another. When we are kids, we never realise that parents are just people that hooked up.

 

I agree with CopingGal, there should be some parenting school that will give you permission to have a child if you graduate.

 

The fact that your mother knew all this time is bothering you and its normal. We expect parents to protect us as if its the law or something. ive seen and heard so much that i dont even believe in "loving parents" by default. Its hard because these people were the ones you grew up with. who at some point you had them even subconsiously as a role model. Now that a hard thing to overcome. I cant even overcome some things my parents have done and im still writing this to you. Its a deep bond, loving or not.

 

The only thing you can do is, forgive. What always works for me is what i mentioned earlier, parents are nothing more then a couple, like all normal relationships, either they fail or blossom.

 

Hope i made sense.

[Robert Z]

I appreciate your comments.

 

I don't suppose I will ever completely get over all of this because it is such a deeply engrained part of me. But in almost every way that matters, I have moved on. When something like this happens it can open an old wound a bit, but in a more meaningful way it helps to provide closure.

 

I really don't feel anger at mom for not admitting this sooner. I understand how much she struggled. It was a tough situation and she wasn't well equipped to deal with it. Like most woman, at heart she was a peace maker and just wanted to preserve the family. What does mean a lot to me is to finally be vindicated by someone. Having my mother finally admit to his maliciousness meant a lot to me.

 

It's really tough to judge motives under normal circumstances. When your own father is playing psychological torture games covertly, it takes a long time to accept what's happening. I questioned my own logic and objectivity many many times before finally accepting the truth of it all. At least I tried bridge the void between us up to the very end. But he was just a bitter insulting, ass. So he made his choice. I just never knew how much mom knew.

Edited July 14, 2012 by Robert Z