Just cold feet, or something more?

[Samara11]

Hello everyone,

I will try to keep this brief, and not make it "just another cold feet post."

 

Here's the rundown.. My fiance and I dated for 4 years, 2 of which were long distance. We've been engaged now for about 8 months.. Our wedding is scheduled for next June, 2013. We are currently living together (I recently got a new job and relocated to his city). I've lived with him before, however, for a year while I was finishing up my internship for graduate school.

 

In any case, before and after we were engaged, there were issues.. I know that all relationships have their problems, people fight, etc. I understand that he is flawed, as am I, and we need to find ways to work things out. However, there are some red flags that I have been noticing, which may be more apparent, now that I realized that I am committing my life to this man. For example, he has difficulty managing finances. In fact, it appears that he was never taught how to manage money. He's an impulse buyer, he signed a lease for an apartment that is out of his price range and now he can barely afford his rent, he has $5,000 of credit card debt which he only pays the minimum balance on, he can't seem to keep up with bills (car payments, student loans, etc), and he's always broke.. He makes almost $50,000/year, but he is mysteriously broke ALL THE TIME. It worries me tremendously.

 

Also, he is emotionally immature when it comes to discussing serious topics. When I try to bring up an issue that is important to me, he gets very defensive. His defensiveness is offputting to me. I don't know how to deal with it. To be honest, our sex life is not so great, and we've talked about it many times, but we can never have an open, honest, and candid conversation about it without him getting very defensive and difficult to talk to. He will sometimes just get very quiet and shut down. I am a psychologist, so I am very sensitive to his emotions and I use a lot of "I" statements. This does not help, however. He usually ends up getting sarcastic and/or yelling at me, or criticizing me. I don't know what to do..

 

These are just some of the major issues that I am worried about. Honestly, I question whether marrying him is the right decision. We are very much in love, we've been through A LOT together (deaths, long distance, etc.), and we are very well-suited in many ways.... As I mentioned, I mainly worry about his financial saavy, our sex life, sexual incompatibility, and his emotional maturity. I don't know if I am justified in feeling doubtful about marrying him.. I guess i need some insight. Has anyone here ever broken off an engagement? Do I have just cause for doing this? I feel like he has so many wonderful qualities, and we are a great couple, we really are. I am just worried that we have some major problems that will only worsen with marriage. I don't know if our problems are solvable, either.. like the sex issue. I want to see what you all think.

[Radu]

Sorry to say this :

- sounds like he is using your psychology degree to shame you; did you ever feel he is threatened by it ?

- impulse buying is a disease, an addiction, but you know this already

- sex life after marriage rarely improves because many ppl start thinking 'where is he/she gonna go, he/she is mine now ... we are married'; overall less effort

 

I think you need to break it if these things are not fixed by Christmas, or some serious steps are taken.

Mingling your finances with him is ... toxic for your financial health.

 

Now, if a woman came to you and told you that her bf was like this, but she still wanted to be with him, what would that say about that woman in question ?

Do you have insecurity problems ?

[Samara11]

Radu, what did you mean by "he's using your psychology degree to shame you?"

 

From what I've observed, he is not threatened by my educational or professional background... I don't even know why I threw that in my original post.. I guess just to emphasize that I am particularly empathetic to others.

 

As a matter of fact, I do have some insecurity issues due to the relationship I had with my mother growing up... However, I don't know how much these issues affect the current situation. I do not stay in this relationship due to insecurity, fear of being alone, etc. I stay because I love this man, I feel loved by him and comfortable with him, and I want to spend my life with him. But... as isthe case with most relationships, we have problems, and my main question was, which problems are deal breakers, and which can couples work through??

[Radu]

Ok, i misunderstood.

 

Red flags :

- he has an addiction he is not willing to overcome; do you think marrying someone with alcoholism is a good ideea ? [just an example]

- he refuses to communicate with you and pulls the ultimate tactic, shutting down; over time he sees this works and has done it more often and will do it more often

- in your own words, sex life is not so great [it would help going into details here because there is quite a difference between sexual selfishness and sex drive incompatibility ... both are quite bad though]

 

I don't know if it's insecurity at play here, but you are making excuses for him.

 

All the issues are workable, but do you think they are workable if he refuses communication or to accept that he has an addiction ?

[Samara11]

Radu, thank you for your input.. Yes, I am aware that impulse buying is an addiction.. I am working on it with him. For example, I saw him contemplating buying an expensive item on Groupon, and I stopped him.. I reminded him that we are in financial strain right now, and he can't be buying extra things like that. It will take many reminders...

 

In terms of communication, he does communicate with me, but he ultimately gets very defensive more often than "shutting down." The defensiveness is what angers me most, because it's very juvenile (he's almost 30). He said that he often feels "attacked" by me, so I am careful in how I word things, and my tone of voice. The thing is, there are red flags, but I feel that we can work on these things. My mom suggested premaritial counseling.. I'm kind of embarrassed to go to counseling, but it may be worth it if these issues don't get resolved.

[RiverRunning]

You're a psychologist who's worried about getting premarital counseling? Lots of couples get it and not always for problems. Consider it a lesson for the beginning of your marriage rather than, "We're doing things wrong, now we have to go talk to somebody." Would you rather have marital counseling later on instead - possibly when this problem has gotten even worse?

 

His way of handling criticism is troubling and it's definitely not conducive to a happy marriage. The communication problems, sex problems and money problems...you have all the makings for a big divorce in your near future, especially with all three working in conjunction.

 

I would try to talk to him about it and emphasize that you two need help working on these problems with an impartial third party. Have you discussed such a possibility before?

[artchick88]

this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You'll be broke, sexless, and in a non-communicative marriage with an overly defensive man child. you still have other options, I suggest you explore them.