leilab Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I'd have been on LS for 4 months now and had plenty of comments on my situation. Currently I am going tthrough the last stages of my divorce and once questions keeps coming up over and over again. So, I'd like to see what you guys think. The question is: What are the right reasons for a divorce???????????? I have heard plently of reasons not to get a divorce, but what are your opinions on why to get divorced? Men and women the same, or different? Thanks for any insight. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 It would be impossible to do a good job of answering this, I fear. There are so many types of situations that could warrant divorce but even then, some people make marriages work. I guess the bottom line of them all would have to be if counselling has been tried and it failed and if one person has already 'checked out' of the marriage emotionally so that no counselling or any other form of help will repair the damage, then you have to throw in the towel. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I also think that each individual situation is different. I would say abuse, emotional or physical, is definitely a reason to divorce. Otherwise, I guess it's reaching a point where one or both partners are no longer invested in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
KANSAN Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 IMO, people should get divorces in cases of abuse or adultery, not being loved enough is not a good reason to me. In life people change they fall in and out of love, their opinions change, likes and sometimes their morals change. The older singles that I know are on average unhappier than the couples, I think it has something to do with the bond of knowing that he/she is your partner in life that you chose to marry and both of you will do everything in your power to make things work. If marriage vows mean nothing to you than you should'nt worry but if they do try EVERYTHING to make things work in the long run you'll be happier. So in answer to your question abuse or adultery and some people work through those as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 It varies. Considering that marriage is a personal commitment between two people and only two people I think only the two people in that situation can determine what is or isn't a good reason to get divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 I am observing that the commitment to one's children seems to be a much stronger one than that expressed between two people in a marriage. Why is that? People don't trade in their kids for a better one. And as adults we never formally give a declaration that we will love, honor and cherish our children until death do us part. But in most cases we do take care of our children until the day we die. No question in most peoples minds. My children are the greatest source of happiness in my life - and have always been. They also take the most effort. This follows the theory of whatever effort you put in, you get out. In other words, the more time, effort, love is invested, the more you get out of it. So, if we put that much effort into our primary relationship would it therefore be logical to conclude that we would have a more loving relationship. And taking that one step further. Would that also mean that you could take anyone on the street, and if we invest all our effort and energy into them, that we would end up with the love of our life? On the other end of the spectrum maybe there is such a thing as a "soul mate" that we instantly get a connection that surpasses all levels of understanding. A feeling of knowing and belonging that transcends our being - and if we are lucky that we experience it in our life time. Link to post Share on other sites
KANSAN Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 To me if you love your children as much as you say (I'm sure you do), you should know that having their dad in the household is a very good thing for the kids. No just pulling anyone off the streets and putting effort into a relationship is not going to make it work thats why you date someone and then you choose there must have been something about your husband that made you fall in love with him and have children. Even a so called soul mate is not going to be perfect, in every relationship you're going to have to deal with something. The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence who cares if its paint. Link to post Share on other sites
Ranger Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 I feel divorce should be your absolute last option. I am previously divorced, remarried after many years and now separated again. I cannot express the loneliness that comes with divorce and separation. If you have lost both trust and respect for your spouse it may be time to move on. But I need to add that the feelings you have now will get easier with a lot of time, but will always be there. If you do go through it, I encourage you to do it as friends, not enemies Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Tough question. A lot will depend on personal circumstances and what an individual feels they can or cannot put up with. To me though, I think the key is do you think you could ever forgive, and give yourself 100% back to the relationship and possibly fall back in love with your husband. If not, I think you might just be delaying the inevitable. As for someone's comment about staying with the dad is better for the kids, it is not always true. I think that having one dedicated, loving parent can sometimes be better for a child than having parents that don't get along, fight and clearly don't love each other. Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 I'd have to agree with the suggestion of "abuse or infidelity" as the top reasons one could get a divorce. But as they pointed out, some people have been able to work through those issues as well. Personally, those are deal breakers for me. I'd say lack of money would be a lame excuse, couples are supposed to stick together for better or worse and money stuff happens, if they are a gambler then they need to get help, but just to leave for financial reasons would be sad. Lack of love, that's a hard one. Link to post Share on other sites
KANSAN Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 THERE IS NO WAY THAT NOT HAVING THE DAD IN THE KIDS LIFE IS NOT ONE OF THE WHORST THINGS YOU COULD DO TO THEM, IMO. PEOPLE SEEM TO TAKE FATHERS INPUT IN KIDS LIVES FOR GRANTED AND EASILY DISREGARD THEIR IMPORTANCE. IF YOU GUYS ARE CLEARLY UNHAPPY AND FIGHTING ALL OF THE TIME THAN YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT BUT IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE YOU SHOULD REALLY THINK ABOUT HOW UNHAPPY YOU REALLY ARE AND IS IT WORTH SHAKING UP YOUR WHOLE WORLD OR IN THE LONG RUN IS THIS A FAZE YOU'RE GOING THROUGH AND MAKING A HASTY DECISION. IN THE END DO WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU AND KEEP AN OPEN MIND BE NICE TO YOUR HUSBAND AR EX AND I'M SURE EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 What are the right reasons for divorce??? By "right" I assume you mean justified or good grounds to end the marriage. There are easy cases and hard cases. Easy cases include emotional and physical cruelty/abuse, infidelity, desertion and child endangerment or sexual abuse. Harder cases include boredom, loss of sexual pizzaz, finding someone younger, cooler, prettier, handsomer or falling out of love (for years) and not really caring about falling back in love. In my view, divorce is justified when one spouse, in moi's excellent phrasing, has "checked out" of the marriage and has absolutely no desire to check back in. That person is estranged not only from his spouse but from the very state of being married.When this has gone on for 2 or more years it's time to call it quits. While no one should ever expect marriage to make them happy all the time, nor should people be expected to be bone crushingly miserable all the time. Also, leilab's observation about love and commitment to the children far exceeding similar feelings towards one spouse is absolutely correct. I've known many husbands who admit to having left their spouses, but no one has ever admitted to leaving his children. No one "trades up" their children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leilab Posted July 10, 2004 Author Share Posted July 10, 2004 I wanted to share another thought that came across my mind the other day. I have been contemplating about whether or not to leave my marriage for many years. The truth is that I have not been very fulfilled and happy with my relationship/feelings for my husband. My MM affair has prompted me to end my marriage - realizing that I have the capacity to really love and be loved by another person. But I am reflecting that I sure have spent A LOT more time contemplating getting divorced that I ever spent contemplating getting married. Both actions really should be equally considered - however in my case I entered into marriage much more easily and without reflecting on the issue. With most major decisions, wouldn't you agree that entering/exiting marriage should be considered with equal care???? Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 My MM affair has prompted me to end my marriage - realizing that I have the capacity to really love and be loved by another person. Perhaps the energies put into this affair should have been redirected to your marriage. You say you have the capacity, so why not direct it to the person you gave your vows to? You said for better or worse at the alter, what happened to the "worse" part? Seems to me that's where people bail. Whatever happened to realizing that ALL new people will be enticing, its called puppy love and of course it will look better than what you have at home, you KNOW what you have at home, the puppy love in that situation finally faded to something more substantial and then people throw it away. With most major decisions, wouldn't you agree that entering/exiting marriage should be considered with equal care???? OF COURSE, DUH! Are you saying your took your vows lightly?? You were bored that day or WHAT?? That's just sad that you are just now realizing your above statement. Sounds like you made your bed and now you get to lie in it. Poor kids. They get to lie in it too even though they aren't the ones that caused all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 But I am reflecting that I sure have spent A LOT more time contemplating getting divorced that I ever spent contemplating getting married. Both actions really should be equally considered - TOTALLY WITH YOU ON THAT LEILAB. Only now that you've been married, in hindsight, do you realize what an important decision it was, and now you realize what an important decision it will be to become the unmarried. In my view, divorce is justified when one spouse, in moi's excellent phrasing, has "checked out" of the marriage and has absolutely no desire to check back in. That person is estranged not only from his spouse but from the very state of being married.When this has gone on for 2 or more years it's time to call it quits. Two years of incubation, huh sinner? Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Two years of incubation, huh sinner? No comment, Samson. Link to post Share on other sites
LuvnCntry Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 IMO: As already said, Abuse (physical/sexual/mental/emotional) on you or your children, And personally I don't think that you can fix abuse. Alcoholism, Drug use, and Consistant infidelity......now in the bible I believe it is said the only reason we can leave our spouse and be able to marry again is adultery (infidelity). But I can't believe that God would want us to put up with Abuse.l If you are contemplating leaving because your not happy? Why aren't you happy? and what is an MM affair? Link to post Share on other sites
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