How do you deal with such a selfish family member...

[princess_e]

Hey everyone!

 

I would love your opinion on how to deal with a selfish family member. Its really killing me to deal with it/accept it. It really hurts me to think about the ways my sister has treated my family members and I, I get mad at first but after the anger, the sadness gets to me. My sister is 19 years old and she not only doesn't care about other people in the family, she hurts them and then acts all almighty and righteous. I can't understand where she gets this sense of entitlement to treat her family like servants/butlers. My mom is a very passive and enabling person so I see that heavily reinforcing her sh?tty behaviour.

 

Being the older sister, I have always taken more responsibilities than she has, but as we get older the 3 year difference isn't that big of a deal anymore as we are both adults. Since i was 11, 12 I have worked with my parents thought their divorce, manly showing support for my mother and giving her the strength to leave her abusive husband. Since I was 15 I got a job and began paying for household items, groceries, etc. Since I got my drivers license I been running more errands for my mom and the family. I have always thought of ways to make my mothers life easier. But it began getting ridiculous as I got older and my sister never bothered to take on more responsibilities or even take the initiative to help me or my mom out. My mom and I took on all her problems... failing highschool courses, dental/vision/other appointments, gave her money...etc. Whats worse is my mom doesnt find this an issue at all and keeps saying ohh she is just young. finally we were able to force her to work when I got her a job through some connections I had. When she earned money she bought herself a laptop with it. She never spent a dime on household items, she buys groceries for herself and labels them in the fridge so no one touches them. Theres sooo much to rant about that it overwhelmes me to type it all out.. she doesnt do anyhting for anyone, she doesnt fix things in the house, she doesnt help other people out with their problems, she isnt supportive when you need her to be, she doesnt empathize what others go through, she doesnt acknowledge or appreciate what others do for her.

 

Naturally as I began bringing up all these problems and trying to make her step it up a bit she began rebelling. She says she will do something (ie: Clean the bathroom, pick up her clothes etc) and days, even weeks later.. she hasnt moved. about the job thing she said she was going to start looking and after half a year I finally commented on how she hasnt even made a resume (and of course she bitched like she had every right to telling me she will do it when she wants to and doesnt need people to tell her... yet she said it half a year ago?) I mean what a absurd human being... she doesnt follow what she preaches and then becomes defensive when it is brought up.Like thats embararssing. If I said i'm going to get a job and 6 months down the road I havent even made a resume... I would cover my face and hide, let alone bitch about it like Im alll soo righteous. She has no spine, she failed a course in highschool and forced my mom to send her to an 800$ private school so that the grade was basically paid for and her work was not neccessary.

 

Everytime the issue of her irresponsibilitiy, selfishness, or laziness is brought up she becomes all bitchy and denies everything saying that I assume. Well, what really do you have to show for your hard work, your contributions, your improvements in life? I mean if you are responsibie, caring and hard working its gonna show.. to some extent. I don't think getting a part time job for a few months to have extra money to spend on personal items is a huge sacrifice or hard work. Not only that, she has started downplaying/undermining the things I have done or do now as a defence to her behaviour. She has brought up how buying grocieries aint no big deal, ohh its just eggs and milk really, and she mocks the things I have done using sarcasm... Ohhh wow youre sooo amazing you are getting A's in university... youre soo great now... omg!!! ohhh wow you fix things in the house and drive people around what a big deal!! ohhh you paid for this and that THATS INCREDIBLE!! ... I just want to strangle her in her sleep... how can someone who hasnt done 10% of the work youve done, have the audacity to undermine those things? Maybe she thinks that undermining the work Ive done will help rationalize the lack of work shes done. Its pretty f-ed up and selfish. She starts bringing up things like how I took a year of school and slept all day (I actually had 4-5 different jobs but they just werent working out for me so I had phases of unemployment while I was seeking and I stopped school because I didnt know what I was doing...) and how I used to sneak my boyfriend in the house and things like how I get drunk and come home late at night. How does that really have any relevance to HER BEING LAZY AND SELFISH - i dont know. She is trying to attack my character in order to justify her selfish behaviours- red HERRING. sO STUPID.

 

I wonder if someone like her will ever realize that the world does not revolve around her, and if she will ever in her life acknowledge the things other people have done for her. She takes takes takes but doesn't ever want to give. I get so angry and feel like I HATE HER but then I think back to the days where she was my younger sister and how we were and its hard to embrace the hatred. Am I supposed to not care and accept it? Or should I keep trying? Because Ive tried many things and at the end of the day she has never given two sh*ts. Its so easy to just walk away and not give a $hit about how her life will turn out and discontinue any sort of relationship, afterall I havent spoken to her for over half a year now though we live it the same house. I have so many mixed feelings, I dont know how to deal with such a ridiculous person.

Edited July 14, 2012 by princess_e

[amaysngrace]

Quit bitching at her. You're her sister, not her mother. Just because you chose to play adult at a young age doesn't mean you're automatically given the respect that you think you deserve.

 

Quit judging her. It's her life. If you can't stand living with her, move out.

 

I think you resent the crap out of her but you cannot change her. You can only change your own reactions to her. Maybe you should try being indifferent.

[turnera]

It's easy for the younger child to get spoiled, especially if the whole family is doing it. What to do? Stop spoiling her. If she makes a mess, the best thing you can FOR her, to HELP her, is to leave her to it, to learn from it, ok?

 

Tell your mom what you see and ask her - for your sister's sake - to stop doing it, too.

 

Will you sister whine? Of course; she's used to doing that to get her way. Don't listen.

 

If you feel like you can't stand up to her, read The Dance Of Anger - it teaches you how to say no to loved ones without them getting upset at you. Great short book.

 

I want to point out, however, that she is not really an adult yet. I know you feel like one because you've been more mature and responsible over the years, but she hasn't, and she's still a teenager with a teenager's attitude. You still have time to help shape her into a more responsible person by STOPPING the enabling.

[princess_e]

I never once wrote about how I wanted respect from her :S I just would like for her to do her own things so my mother and I are offloaded; she doesn't need to respect me. Nor am i asking for any sympathy for "playing adult at an early age". Im ranting, expressing myself, wanting opinions and support so those comments were very unneccessary. And yes I agree that it is her life, never did i say I want to control her every move, but the fact that her basic responsibilities (flushing the toilet, doing comm hours, school, appointments, her whole life basically) are being shifted down to my mother and I has become more of a problem with age. Its easy for you to say Moving out would solve everything- well it doesn't, it is costly and then i am basically abandoning my mother to deal with my sister herself

[princess_e]

to turnera: thanks for your comment! It was def more supportive than the first person. I guess it is hard for my mother to break the enabling cycle, trust me I have tried but my mom just can't stop babying her.my mom treats like some incompetent kid who cant do anything on her own...can't drive, can't book her appointments, can't plan her life..ughh I guess I spoiled her too when she was younger, I always gave her money and helped her do her duties.. Its just sad that she isn't growing out of that with age. I always tell my mom about how my sister has to learn her own lessons... she has to fail and get up herself so she could better herself, but my mom always thinks the consequences of a lesson are tooooo harsh for her to handle so we must protect her in advance. I know her biological age is 19 now but youre right, she is not an adult, i would say her mental age is about 13-14. and I will def look for that book in the library, thanks!

[amaysngrace]

Its easy for you to say Moving out would solve everything- well it doesn't, it is costly and then i am basically abandoning my mother to deal with my sister herself

 

Yea like I said quit trying to be her mom. If you leave your mom to do her job of raising your sister then you'd be doing everyone a favor.

 

Sorry for pointing out the other side of things to you. IME people get the most defensive when you've struck some truth.

[princess_e]

Again, Im not trying to be her mom. Im trying to be supportive of my mom because she is passive and has too many health problems (breast cancer, depression, thyroid and stomach tumours) to deal with her alone. She worked hard her whole life to give me a good life and as her daughter Im not one to abandon her when things get hard. Its sad to know there are people like you who would really walk away from people you love when the going gets tough (and then make a stupid excuse to rationalize it). Anyways I dont really need to justify myself to someone like you, seeing as you would evidently think about yourself and your needs prior to your family.

[HokeyReligions]

No matter what, she will always be your mother's child - just as you are. I'm on the other side of a whole lotta years, but I went thru something similar, only I am the youngest child. I WAS spoiled, mainly because I was overlooked due to my older siblings 'drama' and the fact that my father & grandmother were so ill. My mom was their caretaker and ultimately, I became my mother's caretaker. It was easier to stick food in my face and plop me in front of the telly; or ply me with toys and seemingly, whatever I wanted, than it was to parent me. My mom was emotionally exhausted from what she had to deal with. No one realized it at the time, but my siblings perception of me was NOT favorable (nor I of them)

 

You have choices. You can try to stay out of her way as much as possible. Buy and label your own food/goods so she does not take them. Do for yourself and your mom. Get out of the house and on your own as much as possible - believe it or not, most parents want to know that their kids are able to live on their own and be responsibile and content adults even if it means the parents may be lonley. Establishing your independence and plannning for the time when you do move out are positive things for you and your mom.

 

My sister moved away in the early 1970's and I only saw her every year or so until around 1979 when I broke all contact. Its been so long, I honestly do not remember. I talked to her in August 2006 when our mother died. Mom lived with me & my husband for the last 8 years of her life. It wasn't easy, hospice helped, but it was on me (hubby is disabled). My brother saw her and came over many times the first five or six years. My sister was not allowed in my home. She treated mom horribly; sent NO money to help with her care; and was actually instrumental in mom losing her home and being forced to move across the country and in with me.

 

I divorced myself from my sister decades ago. I did not see my neices & nephews grow up and I got over that too. My sister is in her 60's and my brother mentioned that she just retired this year. Her kids have been married & divorced and she has grandchildren. My brother mentions her sometimes. I really do not care. You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose whether or not you want any involvement or contact with them.

 

Vent away - this is a good place to do it. You will find your own solutions and paths - so will your sister. They may not be together. Take care of yourself and keep your relationship with your mother healthy and between the two of you. Some years of experience may change all of you into a close and loving family unit; or you may decide to sever the tie with your sister for your own sake.

 

Good luck and I hope that things work out sooner for your, rather than later.

[amaysngrace]

Anyways I dont really need to justify myself to someone like you, seeing as you would evidently think about yourself and your needs prior to your family.

 

Why didn't you just say that if you are going to express an opinion different than my own please don't reply?

[princess_e]

OHHHH, so now it has become an opinion... cause I swear you just said i couldn't handle the "truth"... so which is it? I don't have an issue with your opinion on what you would chose to do given you were in such a situation, I only find it sad but if thats what you would prefer to do then I have nothing against it. Just personally, I wouldn't abandon my mother, and by wanting to support her through difficult issues- I don't see anything wrong with that. It may be stressful on me, but its anything but a bad thing.

[amaysngrace]

OHHHH, so now it has become an opinion...

 

I don't see anything wrong with that. It may be stressful on me, but its anything but a bad thing.

 

Yes just like the disclaimer says "all opinions expressed here blah blah"

 

Call me stupid but I think feelings of hatred and wanting to strangle her are anything but good. Your words, not mine.

 

And this is how your life is going. That's definitely not a good environment for anyone with so much hostility flying around.

 

I was honestly just giving you advice and hoping to point out to you how you contribute to the hostility. Cause like I said in my first post, you cannot change her but can change the way you react to her.

[princess_e]

To hokeyreligions: Thanks for your comment and support! I am very sorry to hear about what happened with your sister.... It must have been hard to come to terms with the kind of person your sister was and finally forced to eventually accept it. Im still have difficulty in the acceptance department because i guess I don't really want to fully accept it for what it is...but if things carry on this way then acceptance will be inevitable. nonetheless, its always hurts when you realize someone so close to you actually cares so little about your feelings. The things your sister has done, I see why you have cut of all ties with her, I still find it sad that it got to that point but I guess some people are just very... selfish, to the point it disrupts others' lives and they can't tolerate it anymore without going insane...and that maybe you needed to do that. Again thanks for being supportive i appreciate it

[darkmoon]

"she doesnt do anyhting for anyone, she doesnt fix things in the house, she doesnt help other people out with their problems, she isnt supportive when you need her to be, she doesnt empathize what others go through"

 

just behave like this for a month, quietly and pleasantly but firmly, take on her role/position in the family - because i think they should stop taking you for granted -slip off to your room to read instead

Edited July 14, 2012 by darkmoon

[Radu]

The problem is your mom, not your sister.

She enabled this kind of behaviour was always there to bail her out when she failed.

[princess_e]

Yes just like the disclaimer says "all opinions expressed here blah blah"

 

Call me stupid but I think feelings of hatred and wanting to strangle her are anything but good. Your words, not mine.

 

And this is how your life is going. That's definitely not a good environment for anyone with so much hostility flying around.

 

I was honestly just giving you advice and hoping to point out to you how you contribute to the hostility. Cause like I said in my first post, you cannot change her but can change the way you react to her.

 

I dont know what the disclaimer says but i never had any problems with your opinions or the advice you gave. Im telling you, as I have been from the very beginning, that I wouldn't feel good about abandoning my mother.

 

1. You said your piece and shared some advice including moving out

2. I gave my reasons for why moving out is not a suitable option for me

3. You once again try to claim that by not wanting to moving out, I am trying to be a mother and not letting my mom do her job and this is supposedly the "truth" that i cannot handle

4. I repeat that I am not trying to be a mother, just be a supportive daughter for MY mom who has tried her best to give me a good life. Abandonment is not an option for me personally and it is sad that there are people who would do that when things get rough.

5. You tell me that I don't like how your opinion is different than mine

6. I point out your statements were not merely opinions, but supposed "truths" as you called them, nor did I ever even have a problem with what you would chose to do given you were in such a situation. Just personally, I again, would not abandon my mom and I do not see that as being a bad thing

7. You bring up irrelevant matter, such as my "hostility" when this whole conversation was originally only about abandonment/moving out.

 

I said "being supportive of my mother is not a bad thing"

& you somehow turned that into "wanting to strangle your sister is anything but a good thing"

Those are two separate topics so why are you trying to mix it into what we were talking about? I don't strangle my sister, I "feel like it" when I get mad but the only way I have acted on it is through fuming by myself or ranting. There is no hostility really in the environment as I am not speaking to my sister now from how bad things have gotten...and a hostile environment is never good but (in my opinion) abandoning my mother would be even worse than living in a hostile environment anyway.

 

I heard your advice, considered it and decided that it was not a good option for me. If you were truly trying to just give advice then you should accept that some people won't choose to follow it for their own reasons and there isn't anything wrong with that. Nor is there anything wrong with your piece of advice to begin with either.

[princess_e]

The problem is your mom, not your sister.

She enabled this kind of behaviour was always there to bail her out when she failed.

 

I agree 100%. i have tried multiple times to help my mom understand that but all she can think about how the consequences of failure are too large for my sister as a lesson. (such as: making me do her comm hours, paying for private school, do research on schools for her college/uni applications- she doesn't see this as enabling behavior she sees it as helping her succeed and if she doesn't get help the consequence of her not getting into school or staying back a year is TOO MUCH!) I dont know how else to put it so that my passive mother will see it, if you have any comments/lines/examples that I could tell her to make her understand more... I would appreciate it!

[turnera]

princess, why do you feel so much of a need to defend yourself here? Is it just your age, or is it you've never been to forums before? I ask because needing to defend yourself so heartily is usually a sign that you have bigger issues to fry than just the question you posed.

[princess_e]

tunera: its neither my age or bc its my first time using forums. Its always been a huge petpeeve of mine when my words/actions get twisted into something else. It bothers me a lot, maybe more than it should but its what my sister and select others often do too and i just keep thinking omgg thats not even the point!! Also, i guess cause im taking a modes of reasoning course on argumentation it really has peaked my interest in detecting and rebuttaling against flawed arguments lol

[turnera]

tunera: its neither my age or bc its my first time using forums. Its always been a huge petpeeve of mine when my words/actions get twisted into something else. It bothers me a lot, maybe more than it should but its what my sister and select others often do too and i just keep thinking omgg thats not even the point!! Also, i guess cause im taking a modes of reasoning course on argumentation it really has peaked my interest in detecting and rebuttaling against flawed arguments lol

Understood. I hope they explain in that course that you can be your own worst enemy when you choose to be combative.

[turnera]

You WILL find - with age - that you feel less and less of a need to tilt at windmills. Who frankly don't even notice you and never change.

[pie2]

Classic http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology))triangulation!

 

Naturally as I began bringing up all these problems and trying to make her step it up a bit she began rebelling.

 

How did you bring up your concerns? Rather than going on the offense, and berating your sister when you express your concerns, I suggest approaching her with a MUCH more positive attitude with the goal of collaboration. You catch many more flies with honey.

 

To me, that means explaining how you feel overworked, and how much you appreciate her help. During conversations with her, and just in general, focus on her strengths...build her up! Surely there's something she's good at. I guarantee she will be more willing to contribute if she feels she is getting positive attention for it. And when she does start to help out, don't let it go unnoticed...let her know how great she's doing.

 

Be positive; don't go on the attack!!! I know you're upset, but you have to learn to channel that energy in the right way, so that you can reach your goal.

 

The problem is your mom, not your sister. She enabled this kind of behaviour was always there to bail her out when she failed.

 

And I absolutely agree with Radu here. Your sister is a product of her environment. She CANNOT deserve 100% of your anger for your current situation. I think you are displacing anger you have about many things (your mom's health, your inability to break away as an independent adult, etc etc) onto your sister, just because it's an easy and familiar coping mechanism.

[princess_e]

Understood. I hope they explain in that course that you can be your own worst enemy when you choose to be combative.

 

The purpose of the course is not intended to support fighting/arguing, but to help people develop sound and cogent arguments for things like legal debates, propositions, essay papers, supporting your view adequately, etc It also teaches you to not be easily persuaded by detecting invalid arguments that other people use against you.