Contemplating divorce

[kitty123]

I don't know what to do...my husband and I are approaching our one year anniversary and I don't think I've ever been so miserable. I know that I still love him, but I'm so tired that I just want to give up. We met two years ago and a month later, I moved to another state to be with him. Now I'm a thousand miles away from my family and friends and have been unable to make a life for myself here. To make things worse, his job requires a lot of travel at times, so I'm here by myself. I know that this is not his fault and that he's doing his best to provide for us, but when he is here, we just can't communicate. The d-word has been coming up everyday lately and for the past few days we have fought intensely for a few hours at a time. It's making me physically sick and I'm too emabarassed to talk to anybody about our problems. None of my friends know that anything is wrong, but our parents know a little. His parents came to visit for two weeks, and ended up leaving after five days, after we fought so hard that my husband punched a hole in the wall. Now I feel like his parents think that it was their fault I was upset, and I feel so guilty that I have ruined everything. I just don't know what I should do-maybe seperation is a solution?

[jazzin7]

I can definately relate to you. I am almost 8 yrs married. I remember when I first got married it was fighting all the time. It just escalates every year. I would suggest you visit a website called restoreministries or restorem.org (same website). I would suggest you get the book they sell on their website, "The woman's workbook". It teaches woman how to behave, and in turn it changes your husband's behaivor as well. It is all Biblical principles, all found in the Bible. I tell you to do this now, because if you and your husband fight all the time, he will look elsewhere for happiness, b/c he is not finding it with you!!!! Contentiousness (quarelling), nagging, yelling, foul language, will only push him away from you. I want you to try these princicples and see if they do not work.

 

1) Be Quiet & Kind to him

2) Agree with him (Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him)

3) Show love towards him, even if he is not so loving to you.

4) If you are in disagreement, agree with him, then go in private and pray to God about it. He will change the situation around on your behalf.

[kitty123]

Thank you for the advice, but I don't think that all answers lie in being a subservient wife. The bible can be interpreted many ways, and when I took my vows, before god, they meant that I was entering into an equal partnership. This means that we both need to give and to compromise, which I admit, we haven't done enough of, but women have come way too far to subscribe to the rules advocated in your post. I'm not refuting that these rules work-I can imagine that men love that reaction. Honestly, I've already lost too much of myself and would be digging myself deeper in a hole by biting my toungue, smiling with a stepfordian grin, then locking myself in the bathroom to cry and pray.

[rble618740]

I can understand where both of you are coming from because I fall somewhere between your positions. By way of brief background, my husband and I have only been married 10 months. In June he left during an argument and came back later the same day and moved out. When I called him, he said he left with the intention of never coming back and not trying to reconcile.

 

The day after he moved I called him and calmly talked to him (usually I just blast him). I affirmed my love for him and my commitment to our marriage, but I asserted what I thought were legitimate issues about his behavior. I also acknowledged my fault in the level of conflict in our home. We have had several more good conversations since then, we are in counseling, and he has implied that he wants to come home. I have not yet decided where I want our marriage to go, so we're staying separated for right now.

 

At some point, I realized that I have to take responsibility for my own unhappiness (but not for his) and that I have to find a way to be a better person for this experience, whether he comes or goes. I also had to acknowledge that I have no control over his decisions or his actions, only over my own. Armed with the realization that my focus should be on me and changing my attitudes and actions, and not expecting him to change so I can be happy, I have found a peace about my sitution.

 

I have relied in large part on biblical teachings as my strength in this time. I do not think that the bible encourages you to support your husband to renig on his vows or reponsibilities, and I don't think that is what was being suggested above. It is, however, an amazing show of strength to your mate when you take responsibility for and change your wrongdoings in the relationship. If you worry about you, it is very likely that he will begin to work on himself. Do NOT, however, take responsibility or expect to change his behavior or thoughts.

 

My husband is seeing a new wife in me. Whether we will work things out, I don't know. I do know that I have gained power by not focusing on someone else's faults and needs to change, and instead, feeling confident that I am on solid ground in my words and actions.

 

The Bible warns women about the power of their tongue. Women are innately more adept at using words than men. We can use those words to nurture or harm our relationships. That choice is yours. You should not let his actions draw you into a weak, miserable, hurtful reaction. You will feel so much better when you look at something he does wrong and acknowledge, calmly, that it was wrong, but that you are not going to let that action draw you into a reaction that is damaging to your, your spouse and your relationship.

 

I guess this is a long way of saying, you don't have to shut up and take everything he dishes out. But, you will be happier and have a better relationship if you just focus on you. Don't blame being mad on him making you mad, look at it as he did something wrong and you have the power over how you ill react to it. Do not let his actions determine your sanity.

[rble618740]

I wanted to comment on the advice above, since it seemed to be a point of contention between the advisor and advisee, here.

 

 

1)Be Quiet & Kind to him - you can be assertive without being mean. I do think that the Bible support this advice in that you have to release your hurt, even if it is caused by your husband, to God. You should not berate him for his decisions (I don't know about you, but that has never worked for me). You do NOT have to condone the things he does wrong, but you should forgive him and release that hurt. Love him anyway. His acts should not determine whether you are kind to him, because your husband is not the person you ultimately answer to. Be certain to do the right thing even in the face of his wrongdoing. You need to maintain your integrity whether your marriage continues or not.

 

2) Agree with him (Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him) - I have rarely had an argument with someone where there wasn't at least some truth or validity to their side. I think you need to work to understand what your mate is saying, you do not have an obligation to agree with everything he's saying (especially if it's morally wrong). You will, however, have a more meaningful discussion if your husband thinks that you are trying to see things from his point of view. Incidentally, agreeing with someone works to your advantage. It's interesting how when you agree with them, they feel free to point out the problems with their position (versus standing by even the unreasonable parts of it in an attempt to convince you). Remember, men and women speak different languages. It's unnatural for us to think of things like a man does, so we have to try to learn and understand their ways of thinking and expression. Likewise, they need to do the same or there is no chance for communication in a marriage.

 

3) Show love towards him, even if he is not so loving to you. - I agree with this advice. You married him and you love him. Your love for him should not be dependent on his love for you. He is wrong by not being loving to you, you don't have to commit the same wrong by, in turn, not being loving to him. He will most likely beat himself up when he does you wrong and you love him anyway. You will be leading by example, not by fighting him into your idea of how he should act. It's a very subtle but very powerful approach.

 

4) If you are in disagreement, agree with him, then go in private and pray to God about it. He will change the situation around on your behalf. - I don't know that I agree with this advice. I would say, don't necessarily argue with him about it immediately. I would say, pray and then approach your husband when you can talk to him calmly and lovingly. You can express your opinion, but you must remember, you cannot make him do your will. Some decisions he will make without you and contrary to your wishes. The Bible commands a man to head his household, but the Bible also tells men that they are to consider their wives in their decisions. He may not take your advice, and you cannot lash out at him if he makes a bad decision. There are going to be times when you have to look at him and say, knowing that he is wounded because you warned him and you were right, "You made a decision, it didn't work out, we'll get through it." He will, at times, have to do the same with you. We all make mistakes. Let him make his so that he feels confident in making decisions and so that he'll know that you'll stand by him even when he makes a mistake.

 

I know this sounds a lot like you stroking his ego, but it is not. It is you taking the high road, and making compromises and sacrifices for your marriage. He may not do the same, but then again, you don't only want to be a good wife if he's a good husband, do you? If that's the case and your marriage is in the shape it's in, who goes first?

[meanon]

I've already lost too much of myself and would be digging myself deeper in a hole by biting my toungue, smiling with a stepfordian grin, then locking myself in the bathroom to cry and pray.

 

Good for you

 

I think there are several problems you face and they require different approaches.

 

You are a long way from home with no means of support other than your husband. That means you are relying on him to meet all your needs. That's a lot of pressure and the relationship isn't great at the moment. If you want your marriage to survive you need to find your own place in the world. Invest some time in making new friends where you live, it will pay off in the long run.

 

Then there is the problem of communication with your husband. It's hard to advise on how to address this without some specifics. If you are arguing a lot then ground rules may help (don't attack each others character, explain what behaviour upsetting you in terms of the effect it has on you/how it makes you feel, say clearly/constructively what change you would like to see). There is a lot that can be done to improve poor communication. Other types of communication problems are more indicative of an essential incompatibility. If you have always had the problems, even when the relationship was OK, then this may be the case. There may well still be scope for improvement but if you have tried everything and you are still unhappy then that is the point at which you should consider divorce.

 

Every marriage has it's ups and downs and I think you would be unwise to make a decision whilst yours is in the grip of such a major change (re-location and some separation). At times when things are hard I've found this approach helpful:

 

I also had to acknowledge that I have no control over his decisions or his actions, only over my own. Armed with the realization that my focus should be on me and changing my attitudes and actions, and not expecting him to change so I can be happy, I have found a peace about my situation.

 

All I'd add is that whilst this may give you both some breathing space, it's no long term solution in my view. But it may be enough for you to re-discover what brought you together in the first place and sort out some of the current problems.

 

If you love each other there is hope for the marriage working. Be positive. Stop mentioning divorce and ask him to as well. Your relationship is already at breaking point and it may not sustain the added pressure of threats to end it - it's about the most destructive thing you can do in a relationship. Only discuss divorce if you reach the point where you know it's not going to get better and you have to get out. Good luck

[kitty123]

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[JustBreathe]

i think you've been married a very short time. i dont' know how long you dated before you married. i do know that my marriage went sour after 4 years. i've been married 22. it has been largely due to my efforts and my refusal to see things for what they are that it lasted at all. my husband always put his job before our relationship, and in the end, before our children. he has never been satisfied or happy.

 

it has taken me this long to realize and admit that neither have i.

 

all i can say is that it takes two people to make a relationship work. staying together because you think it's the right thing to do even though in your heart you know you have made a mistake is something you will regret one day.

 

ask yourself this question: what is it that i love about my husband? write down your answers. then ask yourself how much of the things you love about your husband are things you WISH he were or things you know COULD be. define what is real from what is desirable.

 

take off the rose colored glasses and look hard at what is there. then make your choice to leave or not.

 

there is a saying which goes: Life is never what it should ge, what we thought it would be, or what others said it could be. It is what it is.

 

see it for what it is. then decide.

[kitty123]

I know that I love my husband. I could sit down and write a million reasons why-he amazes me. But, it's not a perfect world and for the most part, it's the circumstance of our lives that makes our relationship hard. Yes, there is a lot that we need to work on, but for the most part we treat eachother very well.

 

But, and this is a big but, there are a few key problems that we just haven't been able to resolve. They pop up whenever we get in a stupid argument about something small, and then we just go around in circles untill things elevate to an almot violent level. The core problems are...I feel overwhelmed by his overbearing parents who really only mean the best, I'm still dizzy from a 400 guest wedding that put a lot of pressure on me when I only wanted a small, simple ceremony, the fact that we have to live so far away from home because of his career, and my seeming inability to be happy where we live. I really have tried-and do try-to make this place a home for myself, but it's not a very friendly city and I miss a sense of community that dosen't seem to exist here. To top it off, we live in the southwest and it's so hot for three months of the year, that I can't even go outside to take the dog for a walk. In turn, my husband tries to solve everything for me-like a guy-by using logic. And, like a previous post said, I do end up looking to him for most of my emotional needs.

 

The typical cycle is that he tries to tell me how to solve my problems, I feel like he is acting like a parent, he gets pissed, then I get upset and cry, and we can't seem to break it. Since I've tried everything I can and things are only getting worse, I really don't know what to do. To say that I just need to find my own life here isn't as easy as I expected. I'm only 24 and I feel like I've suddenly been forced to grow up and that I'm wasting my life. We both agree that this is the biggest problem in our marraige and that it's threatening to tear us apart.

[meanon]

In turn, my husband tries to solve everything for me-like a guy-by using logic

 

LOL. Maybe if he stopped that would at least break the cycle. It doesn't seem to be doing much good anyhow . Do you have other people you can talk to as well about the difficulties you are having settling in? Can you, for example, talk on the 'phone to friends and relatives? I'm not suggesting you stop talking to your husband about this problem but you may benefit from a variety of views and more support.

 

I know what it's like to feel like a fish out of water having come to this country on my own from a small island. It just takes one friend to totally open up that seemingly unfriendly city. If you do things that bring you into contact with others, you'll find someone. When your husband is not away try and get out together, get to know the place better. Visit your home town every now and then if you can (respite!). Ask your husband to help keep your in-laws at bay for a while.

 

You seem fairly sure that the core of the relationship is sound but that the circumstances are the problem. You can either change how you respond to the circumstances and, if that fails, change the circumstances. I think these problems will ease with time but if not the solution is in your hands: your husband could seek to move.