2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Not true - I have already done more than I did when this happened so many years ago. Then even though I knew something had happened with her and him, I remained silent and suffered and suffered after she told me five years later. Now I have confronted her forcefully, demanding answers to my questions, putting her in position of explaining discrepancies, etc. What can I tell you, I started out from a very bad place years ago; I was just not equipped to confront her and the situation. While many of you feel I am still being a wimp, for me the past 2 weeks has been a big step, and I have defended myself to a far greater degree than I ever had in the past. Everything is relative and we all don't start at the same place. I will keep you posted. Thanks to all for your help. It's a good step in the right direction - but not useful until you regain your peace of mind. Avoiding knowing the truth doesn't help you. Have her take a polygraph. You deserve to know what she's not been telling you. The gut never lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Not true - I have already done more than I did when this happened so many years ago. Then even though I knew something had happened with her and him, I remained silent and suffered and suffered after she told me five years later. Now I have confronted her forcefully, demanding answers to my questions, putting her in position of explaining discrepancies, etc. What can I tell you, I started out from a very bad place years ago; I was just not equipped to confront her and the situation. While many of you feel I am still being a wimp, for me the past 2 weeks has been a big step, and I have defended myself to a far greater degree than I ever had in the past. Everything is relative and we all don't start at the same place. I will keep you posted. Thanks to all for your help. I don't understand how this helps you RESOLVE the issue??? You're feeling very insecure about this whole thing. It BOTHERS you tremendously. OK...so what ACTION are you taking to RESOLVE THE ISSUE??? You're confronting her about it....great...what's that actually RESOLVE? Has it led to her telling you the truth? Has it helped you believe that she has been/is telling you the truth? How has your confrontational attitude change HELPED RESOLVE the situation/conflict? I don't see that it has. I have to agree with the others...either INSIST on a polygraph...or accept that you'll never know more than you do right now and decide if you're going to remain married to her or not under those conditions. In other words...either get to the bottom of it...or drop it. Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 You are only describing a woman without morals or integrity. Not all middle aged women do this. And that is exactly why I posted "some women". Never said all. But I have seen enough of this to know its more common than most people would like to admit. Check out the local cougar gathering at my old watering hole. Link to post Share on other sites
ghgh750 Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 g450, Can you give me a link to the topic/thread witht he 65 year old wife leaving her husband? Was it because she cheated and found someone else? Thx. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 A private investigator will charge me 750 dollars to find contact information for that person who knew about this, whom we have since lost contact with. That's a lot of money, not sure about proceeding. No don't bother because even IF you find the person, they may not tell you the whole truth. Then you are back to square one. Not knowing. Why do you want to know? What will you do if you find out? How will these two questions, if answered, change/affect your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 No, I'm just talking about bad relationships. I'm reading a phenomenal book right now called Getting The Love You Want. I ordered "Getting the Love you Want - A Guide for Couples", and also "Keeping the Love You Find" by the same author, they both arrived yesterday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 No don't bother because even IF you find the person, they may not tell you the whole truth. Then you are back to square one. Not knowing. Why do you want to know? What will you do if you find out? How will these two questions, if answered, change/affect your life? If the answers to these questions are the worst scenario, I will feel that the foundation of the marriage is built on sand and that my wife was pulling ALL the strings and I was the puppet. I was robbed of my right to make a decision to go or stay 30 years ago so I want it now - I say this with no pre-judgment as to what my decision might be, i.e., I may very well decide to stay, but I have the right to know the truth and decide from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 If the answers to these questions are the worst scenario, I will feel that the foundation of the marriage is built on sand and that my wife was pulling ALL the strings and I was the puppet. I was robbed of my right to make a decision to go or stay 30 years ago so I want it now - I say this with no pre-judgment as to what my decision might be, i.e., I may very well decide to stay, but I have the right to know the truth and decide from there. This is why it's time to schedule a polygraph test. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I ordered "Getting the Love you Want - A Guide for Couples", and also "Keeping the Love You Find" by the same author, they both arrived yesterday. Cool! I've read a lot of books, but I've actually learned a LOT from the first one. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 This is why it's time to schedule a polygraph test. I agree. He says that's humiliating... But I think it's MORE humiliating to be left wondering where her truth is... Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 LI, as many, many posters have already told you, YOU NEED TO ACT!!!!!! It obviously bothers you and has bothered you for some time, but now as then, for whatever reason, you are unwilling to act on your suspicions. You whine and complain about her "power", over you , yet you will not do the ONE thing that will give YOU the power, confront her and DEMAND the truth. So what can we do? We have given you pages of advice, lots of sympathy, references to reading material,options, and even tricks, but you still will not act. You have really only two options: do nothing, and live with it, happily or unhappily, or confront, investigate, and know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) Athena, the person with the "power", in a relationship isn't the person who loves less, it is the person who DARES more. In the Army we have a saying, "He who dares, wins". In a marriage or other relationship , the person who is willing to risk that relationship, is the one with the "power". This does not mean that they have less emotional involvement. My uncle, BoldJack, a former LS poster, taught me this a long time ago. Edited July 23, 2012 by JustJoe 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 He's handed her so much power for so long - he really doesn't have an idea on how to take his power back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Athena, the person with the "power", in a relationship isn't the person who loves less, it is the person who DARES more. In the Army we have a saying, "He who dares, wins". In a marriage or other relationship , the person who is willing to risk that relationship, is the one with the "power". This does not mean that they have less emotional involvement. My uncle, BoldJack, a former LS poster, taught me this a long time ago. Thank you, this is true! The cheater who gambles the M has more power, he creates more options for himself. Although he doesn't necessarily love any less, his actions may seem to indicate he cares less. Your uncle is great! Good to see you Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I think he is, too. During my troubles , he was always the voice of reason. I told him you are back on LS and he thinks you are special too. Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 g450, Can you give me a link to the topic/thread witht he 65 year old wife leaving her husband? Was it because she cheated and found someone else? Thx. Saddly I cant remember enough details. I have been here for almost three years and that's a lot of postings to go through. All I can remember is that she left him in a very juvenile way and yes IIRC it did involve another man. I do recal something about her sneaking out a window like a teenager. That just blew my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
ghgh750 Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Saddly I cant remember enough details. I have been here for almost three years and that's a lot of postings to go through. All I can remember is that she left him in a very juvenile way and yes IIRC it did involve another man. I do recal something about her sneaking out a window like a teenager. That just blew my mind. You got to be kidding me! Sneaking out a window! HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I mean I feel bad for the husband but this is a sight I would like to see... a 60 year old woman sneaking out the window. Well if you or anyone else can remember the topic or at least the month it was posted in, please let me know. It was posted here in the infidelity section right? Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 You got to be kidding me! Sneaking out a window! HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I mean I feel bad for the husband but this is a sight I would like to see... a 60 year old woman sneaking out the window. Well if you or anyone else can remember the topic or at least the month it was posted in, please let me know. It was posted here in the infidelity section right? Not sure if it was in infidelity or not. I frequent most of the forums here and have done so for over two years. My main point is that people hold stuff in. Some never get over their first loves and they burry that inside for decades and it causes issues much later in life. Time means nothing. And also that even old people who should know better still do stupid things. Hell, even my own brothers think Im an idiot for getting remarried at 50 and after being single for only two years. I dont feel that way but they did have a point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 26, 2012 Author Share Posted July 26, 2012 Update: my wife sent an e-mail from her account to the OM, that I wrote, as if it came from her, telling him I know "everything" but he needs to describe what happened in his own words by replying to her and she will give his answer to me. So if she were not telling the truth, would she have done this? P.S. no reply from OM Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Update: my wife sent an e-mail from her account to the OM, that I wrote, as if it came from her, telling him I know "everything" but he needs to describe what happened in his own words by replying to her and she will give his answer to me. So if she were not telling the truth, would she have done this? What is she going to do? Say no? That would look really suspicious. P.S. no reply from OM Maybe she contacted the OM in another way and told him not to respond. Of course it could be that if he does respond, you will get to see what he wrote. Or it could be that she got to him to lie for her, or she may delete it and say he never replied. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Good grief. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Update: my wife sent an e-mail from her account to the OM, that I wrote, as if it came from her, telling him I know "everything" but he needs to describe what happened in his own words by replying to her and she will give his answer to me. So if she were not telling the truth, would she have done this? P.S. no reply from OM You are wasting your time. 99% of the time OM never tell the truth. They will either make more of what happened to rub it in your face or minimize what happened to the BH doesn't come looking for them. A question: Do you have a learning disability? You want the truth then you will have to stop playing around and schedule a polygraph test. Then tell WW when the appointment is. As the date approaches your WW as all WW's start the trickle truth. Giving you little bits of info hoping you will get satified and believe that she has told you all there is. Just before the test they spill their guts. The test then confirms it what was said and will can any last tidbit left. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 LI, as many, many posters have already told you, YOU NEED TO ACT!!!!!! It obviously bothers you and has bothered you for some time, but now as then, for whatever reason, you are unwilling to act on your suspicions. You whine and complain about her "power", over you , yet you will not do the ONE thing that will give YOU the power, confront her and DEMAND the truth. So what can we do? We have given you pages of advice, lots of sympathy, references to reading material,options, and even tricks, but you still will not act. You have really only two options: do nothing, and live with it, happily or unhappily, or confront, investigate, and know. A person only has as much power as you allow them. But that realization comes slowly to some. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Your problem was her contact with her lover 30 yrs ago---and now you put her back in contact with him, or she does it on her own---I would think any contact tween the 2 of them would be a huge trigger You also gotta wonder, 30 yrs later, how it is so easy for her to get in contact with him-------just possible they have had contact on and off the whole 30 yrs. Link to post Share on other sites
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