Author LongIslander Posted July 15, 2012 Author Share Posted July 15, 2012 So yet again she is on total control and I am powerless, unless I decide to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 If she now admitted after all these years of denying it that indeed she did love him and slept with him for months, I would feel that the foundation of our marriage is sand and that I did not have the opportunity to make any decisions to go or stay. And it looks like, from over here, that you have been AFRAID to ask her this for umpteen years. Without asking and getting to the truth, you are STILL living on a foundation of sand. Hill to die on means is this the one issue that you are willing to end your marriage over if you can't get it resolved? You need to be clear with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 So yet again she is on total control and I am powerless, unless I decide to leave. Why leave now? What's going on with YOU at this point... why are you taking such particular notice of her behavior now, and making it very important? What is going on with you? Link to post Share on other sites
firemanq Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I'm with you brother. One of my biggest regrets is that he suffered no consequences as a result of his despicable behavior. He is now 76 years old. Any suggestions for things I can do to make the short time he has left miserable? Cut 2 inches off the right legs on his walker? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 If she now admitted after all these years of denying it that indeed she did love him and slept with him for months, I would feel that the foundation of our marriage is sand and that I did not have the opportunity to make any decisions to go or stay. Which is why I said that people will lie based on their assumption of retribution. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 OMG thanks for this; it's the first time I have laughed or smiled in days! Thanks so much firemanq!!! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 So yet again she is on total control and I am powerless, unless I decide to leave. I hate to tell you but that's been the truth since the day you met her. SHE has the power...or YOU do. Whoever wants the relationship the least has the power. And it has nothing to do with cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Whoever wants the relationship the least has the power. Is this true? Please explain this further, it looks very interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thoughts about leaving now are fueled by my logic that if she had no feelings for him and slept with him only once, she never would have looked him up on the Internet. Her doing so seems to me proof that those things are true - she'll never tell me so in so many words, but her action of looking him up 29 years later is the way I have found out. Link to post Share on other sites
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Just sit her down and ask her calmly for details. Explain to her how you are feeling. She has stayed with you for so long that she must love and respect you at least somewhat. Try to be persuasive and hell even beg if necessary. Tell her that this is destroying you. You can ask for a polygraph test too. If she maintains her story, you either have to accept it or leave her. Her refusing the polygraph would most likely indicate lies on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Is this true? Please explain this further, it looks very interesting.Say you're madly in love with someone and they like you, but don't feel they love you. They can easily walk away from you with no problem; YOU, on the other hand, love them so much you feel you can't even survive without them. Which one controls the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thoughts about leaving now are fueled by my logic that if she had no feelings for him and slept with him only once, she never would have looked him up on the Internet. Her doing so seems to me proof that those things are true - she'll never tell me so in so many words, but her action of looking him up 29 years later is the way I have found out. I don't know if your wife is truthful with you, but I think you are assuming things and basing a very big decision on that assumption! I don't think you are correct in assuming that her recent action of looking him up on the Internet means anything major, or symbolic... yes, it pisses you off, but it doesn't mean anything big in itself... I myself have looked up people on the Internet (including a teenage boyfriend) in recent years, OUT OF CURIOSITY -- not because I love him or want him! I think you are feeling insecure in your life and you are making a big deal out of this for nothing. I don't think you have enough reason to end your perfectly good marriage for this one thing. You need more evidence. You said so yourself that for the past THIRTY years (!!) she has been a good wife to you... so, what's up with you? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thoughts about leaving now are fueled by my logic that if she had no feelings for him and slept with him only once, she never would have looked him up on the Internet. Her doing so seems to me proof that those things are true - she'll never tell me so in so many words, but her action of looking him up 29 years later is the way I have found out. If I knew the name of the guy I flirted with my first year of college, I would look him up, too. Just to see what he looks like now, the road not taken. It's just as likely to be curiosityy as it is to be an undying love, LI. What we are REALLY talking about here is YOUR insecurity. Are you addressing that? Or do you just want to pin this on your wife? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Say you're madly in love with someone and they like you, but don't feel they love you. They can easily walk away from you with no problem; YOU, on the other hand, love them so much you feel you can't even survive without them. Which one controls the relationship? So, what if in a marriage (or relationship), you both love each other, but one of you chooses the mental outlook of 'wanting the relationship the least'... THEY hold the power?! I don't like that. But I think it sounds true. So, wait.... does this mean we should aspire to 'want the relationship the least'? Isn't this 'bad' for the marriage/ relationship? Aren't we supposed to each give 100%? I am not liking this. However, I think it's true. And I'm thinking I (and maybe mostly women??) would be in the category of Wanting The Relationship More... I don't even know if trying to change oneself into 'not caring' is an emotionally healthy thing to aspire to? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Oh I can't imagine asking her to do a polygraph. There are only two people in the world who can corroborate her story - the OM and a former friend who worked with both of them. We are no longer in contact with the former friend and the OM is not reachable, despite my best efforts. Do you think I should hire a private investigator to find the former friend so I can ask her my questions? Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 The polygraph sounds like the better idea, to be frank. Your wife, if truthful, will humor you since she sees you are emotionally stirred up (you are considering LEAVING your marriage over this, so yes, a polygraph would be reasonable to request before ending your marriage). Find out how to get one done in your area. Then ask your wife, and see her reaction. It beats getting a PI to track down an old friend!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks for this point of view Athena. It's good to hear someone talking me off the ledge. I guess I am just tortured by the thought she could have loved someone other than me and slept with him an extended period of time. When we met I experienced something I had been missing as a child - feeling loved and special unconditionally. I feel I have lost that because apparently she still has feelings about him; this in spite of the last 30 years and two wonderful children. I feel such profound sadness. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 So, wait.... does this mean we should aspire to 'want the relationship the least'? Isn't this 'bad' for the marriage/ relationship? I'll chime in a bit here. I wanted my Fiancee. I loved (I almost type that in the present tense) her. I miss her terribly. BUT she did not hold "power" over me. It was my choice to be with her. When she chose to betray me, I chose to show her the door. She has no power over me. I ache everyday. I miss her so much. I seriously walk though my day with a sorrow so deep I could have never imagined it before this. BUT she has no power over me. These are my feelings. This is my love for her dying that hurts so bad. My power is to chose to live my life MY WAY. I would give almost anything to have my relationship back I want it so bad... but not like that... not with the lies. She has no power over me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Aha Turnera but you DON'T remember this guy's name! She does and knew what state go look for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks for this point of view Athena. It's good to hear someone talking me off the ledge. I guess I am just tortured by the thought she could have loved someone other than me and slept with him an extended period of time. When we met I experienced something I had been missing as a child - feeling loved and special unconditionally. I feel I have lost that because apparently she still has feelings about him; this in spite of the last 30 years and two wonderful children. I feel such profound sadness. I'm sorry you are hurting ( ) hug! Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 LongIslander, Honor yourself whatever you decide to do. Compared to sticking your head in the sand, making a hard choice will always pay off. It sounds like you have a hard time talking to her. You need to get at the heart of this. You could write her a letter. Sit her down at the kitchen table. Sit across from her. Hand her the letter. Ask her to read it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I am not liking this. However, I think it's true. And I'm thinking I (and maybe mostly women??) would be in the category of Wanting The Relationship More... I don't even know if trying to change oneself into 'not caring' is an emotionally healthy thing to aspire to? What do you think? No, I'm just talking about bad relationships. I'm reading a phenomenal book right now called Getting The Love You Want. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Oh I can't imagine asking her to do a polygraph. There are only two people in the world who can corroborate her story - the OM and a former friend who worked with both of them. We are no longer in contact with the former friend and the OM is not reachable, despite my best efforts. Do you think I should hire a private investigator to find the former friend so I can ask her my questions? No, you should focus on the two people who matter - you and your wife. Tell her you need her to go to therapy with you, and discuss it in front of a professional. Get it done with, once and for all. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Aha Turnera but you DON'T remember this guy's name! She does and knew what state go look for him.LI, I only talked to him 3 times; but I still remember the feelings I had at the time, being 'wanted' by someone. That's a very powerful drug. But it doesn't in the LEAST mean I would leave my husband for him. I think you are avoiding the real problem here. You are a Nice Guy who has swallowed his pride for 30 years and it HURTS! You don't have a transparent, honest marriage because you chose to bury what happened. After 30 years of NOT being totally transparent, you're at a loss for what to do now. As I keep saying, the best way to dig yourself out of this is to go to a counselor. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 LongIslander, Just out of curiosity, how old are you and your wife currently? Also are you more concerned with the fact that a.) The affair involved sex multiple times rather than just once or that b.) she is in LOVE with him and may still be currently despite how long the physical aspect of sex lasted for? I think if you only care about how often the sex was, just ask her about it again. If she still maintains that it was once and you don't believe her, I think you should try this method: If she still maintains it was a one time sex thing, tell her that you have to reveal that your 15 minute encounter was actually a prolonged sexual affair. If she does not buy that, lie to her and tell her that you had another long term affair years later. Once you say this, she might finally feel free to come clean with the truth. If she still maintains it was a one time thing, then after a while, tell her you were lying. I honestly don't know what else for you to do other than demanding a polygraph. My gut tells me that it was more than a one time thing because she was able to lie about it for 5 years while you came clean about your little incident right away. Link to post Share on other sites
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