Med Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 BUT.....the question is, is your marriage over ? this pretty much got you all in a mess now....Always unable to trust & always having to look over your shoulders now. Look my piont is, if there is no trust in a relationship, there pretty much isn't anything to be around for.. Link to post Share on other sites
ghgh750 Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 One other thing that you could trick her with is: You were able to contact the OM and he finally told you the whole truth about the affair. That it has gone on for longer than that one sexual encounter. Look at her face when you say this. If she is totally shocked, then she might be telling the truth. If she is silent or goes bright red or something, then you have found your truth. As far as love goes, she probably was in love with him if it happened more than once. How was your marriage at that time? Were you guys apart or going through turmoil? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I don't know if your wife is truthful with you, but I think you are assuming things and basing a very big decision on that assumption! I don't think you are correct in assuming that her recent action of looking him up on the Internet means anything major, or symbolic... yes, it pisses you off, but it doesn't mean anything big in itself... I myself have looked up people on the Internet (including a teenage boyfriend) in recent years, OUT OF CURIOSITY -- not because I love him or want him! I think you are feeling insecure in your life and you are making a big deal out of this for nothing. I don't think you have enough reason to end your perfectly good marriage for this one thing. You need more evidence. You said so yourself that for the past THIRTY years (!!) she has been a good wife to you... so, what's up with you? This is not an old friend from HS. This is an affair partner, a guy she slept with at least once during her marriage. Not an acceptable person for her to be researching contact info. Anybody would be pissed if they found their spouse looking up someone they previously ***ked during the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 This is not an old friend from HS. This is an affair partner, a guy she slept with at least once during her marriage. Not an acceptable person for her to be researching contact info. Anybody would be pissed if they found their spouse looking up someone they previously ***ked during the marriage. And....it wouldn't even be an issue if LI would just ASK her! It would have been resolved by now. But it seems like they have a marriage based upon NOT discussing the important issues. Like a house of cards. In my case, I looked up my old flame because I'd heard long ago that he got fat and ugly, and I wanted to see if it was true. So that I could feel better about leaving him. Maybe she wanted to write him off in her mind and needed closure, just like LI needs closure. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 For what it's worth, I don't see anything wrong with hiring the PI to find your old friend. What do you have to lose? Money? I suspect that information you believe to be true would be worth more to you than any amount of money. I also think you should be looking at financial records, phone records, internet history and so forth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks turnera. We discussed this for months when she first told me 5 years after it happened. At that time the answer at first was "I thought I was in love" and a hesitant 2-3 times in the sack. That quickly changed to one time and I wasn't in love with him, I just said those things to get back at you for your encounter. I had put this away until now, when she looked him up - I can't help but think she has been lying to me now - she must have had strong feelings for him and slept with him for an extended period. It's not logical to look someone up 29 years later if you had no feelings and slept together only once. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks betrayed. Her faithfulness since this affair many years ago is not at question - I believe she has been faithful. The only thing I don't trust her on is this event and sadly it is too long ago to search records. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thanks Alice, that is exactly how I feel; I have told her as much and I think she gets it now; at first she insisted she didn't do anything wrong, that I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I do believe she now understands it was wrong, but what is torturing me is what I think the action REPRESENTS, that is that she has been lying about the depth of her feelings for him at that time and the number of times they did the ugly deed. Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 ...The only thing I don't trust her on is this event and sadly it is too long ago to search records. LongIslander, I can see why you need to know about the past. I feel like it is to sort out what is going through her mind TODAY. Deep down you are afraid of her starting up some new pattern of betrayel. That is the Burden we carry forever. If we get the sent of some new transgression our radars go crazy. I feel like this is what is happening to you. The fact that it is the same guy on her mind after all these years is just insult to injury. The real problem, however, is TODAY. She (by looking him up) has threatened your security in your relationship the way it is now. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Looking up an affair partner is A BETRAYAL to the BS. Even if the thought crosses one's mind, she shouldn't (and didn't) have to follow through with it. But she did. This woman is unable to control herself . . . even now.I agree. I'm just trying to get LI to realize that there is more to this than just that one act of searching him. It's likely a symptom of a problem in the marriage so I'd rather see him focusing all this energy on the marriage, rather than her act. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 LI, are you two in therapy? What have you done to strengthen your marriage, to improve communication, to grow closer, after it all? Do you spend 15 hours a week together on fun stuff? Do you have weekly talks about how you feel? Do you read books like HNHN together? Is your marriage a great thing to come home to? Or is it just there? Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Looking up an affair partner is A BETRAYAL to the BS. Even if the thought crosses one's mind, she shouldn't (and didn't) have to follow through with it. But she did. It is, but 29-years or not, she has demonstrated that she can betray...it is something she's capable of doing. At the same time, she has remained with her husband and from his own words, the life was very fulfilling. I know people are different but generally, women don't stay with men they aren't in love with. Not even out of obligation and certainly not after the kids are grown. The OP has every right to be pissed since this discovery. LongIslander, it isn't your wife's job to provide the love you didn't get from your parents. She's your lover; not your mother. Guys often make this mistake and it's an attraction killer. Spouses can't make us happy and whole; we must do that for ourselves. I'm not excusing her actions but IMO, your expectations from her are unrealistic and unfair. Only dig if you're capable of handling what you discover. You have every right to feel cheated and hoodwinked about not having a say back then, but balance it out with what you have now. Which is more valuable? Your pride, or the love of your family and friends? Life is never perfect. Ever! Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get to a place of productivity. Today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 I see what you're saying turnera. This may not mean that she was in love with him and that she slept with for ab extended period. It might mean instead that she is unhappy now and we should focus on fixing that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongIslander Posted July 16, 2012 Author Share Posted July 16, 2012 Thank you very much Steadfast - encouraging words with which to go forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Whoever wants the relationship the least has the power. Is this true? Please explain this further, it looks very interesting. It is true, but if it's being exploited, the relationship is unhealthy. It's unwise to gain your identity and base your self esteem in any relationship. To be truly balanced, happy and secure, that must come from within. Any relationship that has someone in charge is a flawed union and will only last if the subject and master choose to stay in it. In my experience, one or the other will eventually tire of the arrangement. My marriage was like that. My ex held an axe over my head the entire time...with a warning. She made good on her threat, but I'm still here to talk about it. I'll never be, or be with someone 'in charge' again. If you truly love someone, you'll give to them and they'll give to you. That's love. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 I see what you're saying turnera. This may not mean that she was in love with him and that she slept with for ab extended period. It might mean instead that she is unhappy now and we should focus on fixing that?There IS a good chance that she is now unhappy and thinking what if. I just think that you owe it to yourself AND your wife to start being honest. Why be married if you don't have that? fwiw, women cheat for a lot of reasons, but IME, it's usually because they are missing a connection with their HUSBAND and want to feel wanted/attractive/needed. So take a look at what you two really have. Read some books. Do some therapy. Start with HNHN. Spend 15 hours a week together doing non-work/household/kids stuff to rekindle your feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 My wife had an affair with a co-worker nearly 30 years ago. She always told me it was one time only and she had no feelings for him, although I have recollections from that time, based on her behavior as well as things she said, that lead me to believe otherwise on both counts. In the last thirty years, we raised two wonderful children and have been very happy. However, a month ago I saw that she looked him up on the internet and found his address and phone number - however she has not contacted him. She says this meant nothing, it was just "curiousity." Bullsh** She just disrespected you big time. Looking up an old sex affair partner, really? She is not a wife. It pains me but this makes me believe that I was right all these years, that it proves she did have feelings for him and that they slept together for months or a year or longer. This lead me to question the foundation of our marriage over the last 30 years. Did she learn to forget him and merely settle back in with me? That would be my take on it. She simply didn't want to lose her familiar and comfortable family life, but pined for him all these years. These things always led me to believe she was in love with him and slept with him for an extended period of time. And now that she has looked him up on the internet after all these years, WHAT WOULD YOU BELIEVE? THAT IT WAS A ONE TIME THING AND SHE HAD NO FEELINGS FOR HIM OR SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM AND SLEPT WITH HIM FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME? She had feelings for him, that is for certain. Otherwise she wouldn't have bothered to look him up. You are in a tough spot to say the least. Question is, what do you do? Do you coddle her and give her yet another pass? Or do you get angry to show her that her behavior will not be tolerated. Either way, you are married to a still unfaithful woman. Because right now she is emotionally unfaithful. I'd just sit her down and lay out the cards and tell her that you can't trust a thing she says and that looking this guy up is basically spitting in your face. Some might disagree, but she needs to see you get angry over this. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Yes not even a one night stand, less even, quick oral sex only. There is no "only" about it. Its cheating and betrayal just the same. So basically she had an affair and now its even (no I don't look at it in those terms, but lets just say that for the sake of argument in this thread) So now here it is 30 years later, you both were suppose to get past what either of you did, but she looks up this OM. I'm assuming you never felt the need to look this OW up? If so, then she has backslid into cheating territory, doesn't matter if "all" she did was look him up. You just don't do that in a marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 If she has moved on and forgotten, then why did she look him up on the Internet? If I haven't let go of it, it's because she has reminded me. Because she was thinking about him. Even that is a form of betrayal to you and the marriage. She's not honest - that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 No one can tell you what is in your W's mind but her and she may or may not be forthcoming with you. With that said, I never once looked up an old bf when I was married (I am a BS) and I was married for 22 years and had loads of trouble with the X. I don't know if that is normal or not, but I did not have an affair and I was not involved with anyone from the time we became exclusive - prior to marriage - until now (divorced less than one year). My XH did look up his old (first) affair partner on facebook and they talked. He did try to get her to meet up with him; she did not because she could not, but he was very busy with another old gf by that time (2nd affair partner), so his disappointment was probably short-lived. UGH Anyway, I wish you good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SomedayDig Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Glad you finally admitted it Betrayed H. But why do you want people like Dig to wait for twenty or thirty years before going into detective mode? So they will end up like OP here, drifter? Hey, Abe. You don't need to talk about me in another thread. Grow a pair. Link to post Share on other sites
SomedayDig Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Ummm...Dude...you used my name and have posted almost as much as me in my thread. Who's the stalker? When you used my name in your response it WAS directed to me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Because she was thinking about him. Even that is a form of betrayal to you and the marriage. She's not honest - that's for sure. Just wanted to add - that without trust - even her leaving YOU WONDERING where her truth is - there is no basis of a healthy M without that trust. The question remains - what are YOU planning to DO about this NOW? Link to post Share on other sites
ghgh750 Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Longislander, did she really hesitantly admit to "2-3 times in the sack" at first. Then that DEFINITELY means she had sex with him multiple times. Think about the length of their relationship. Think about how she hid it from you for 5 years. I don't understand why you CAN'T JUST SIMPLY SIT HER DOWN RIGHT NOW AND ASK HER FOR THE TRUTH. DEMAND IT. First explain to her in a calm and loving manner how much not knowing the truth is haunting you. Assure her that you won't leave no matter what has happened in the past but that she NEEDS to come clean. Otherwise, threaten to leave her. If you don't do any of the above or my earlier suggestion of either tricking her or taking her to a polygraph machine, then I suggest you forget this thread and this message board. No one here knows for a fact. Only she and the OM know. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 17, 2012 Share Posted July 17, 2012 Agreed. This worry of yours is a MAJOR part of who you are. Why be in a marriage if you can't tell her the truth? Tell her the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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