what do I do now?

[meeji]

I met a guy online on a website for language exchange. We are learning the same language. At first, we were talking about language things and after a while our conversations started getting longer and heavier. I had been corresponding this guy via email for about 3 Weeks. We finally had our first conversation on Skype after the 3 Weeks voice only and that lasted 4hours. Shortly after, we started video chatting and those talks have been nothing less than 4 hours and up to 8.5 hours. Insane! I started having feelings for the guy around 3 months into it so I told him. He immediately said he was not interested in doing long distance again. He did it once before with someone else. I said okay and left it at that. I wasn't in love or anything so it was fine. Well maybe a month later, he goes on a trip for a month out of his country. The whole time he was away he was sending me emails and pictures from his trip. I also know he was seeing his ex gg while he was there, along with some mutual friends..

 

First of all, if I am on vacation why would I spend the time to send pictures and emails to someone I am not interested in and have never met before, who lives in another country? One day his message said something like here are all the things I saw today that reminded me of you.. And I got a list of pictures. Fast forwarding, he comes back from his trip and I am expecting to hear that something happened with the ex g f. He said while he was away he realized that he was thinking about me a lot and it was getting harder and harder to only think of me as a friend. So again,he decided to just keep it simple and things continued on. Now, we have established rules to prevent us from staying up all night talking when we have work.we end our Skype calls on time but he continues to message and mail me after. He gets on Facebook at his job when he isn't allowed to, to contact me. We are talking nearly every day and he is flirting with me now. He also had told me that he has tried to stop himself from contacting me but he cannot and he has even called what we have an addiction, of course in a joking manner. the other thing is that we have been planning a trip together to a country that neither of us have been to before. We will be there for one month and staying in the same hotel room. After all of this, he refuses to cut ties and insists that we make this trip.

 

Question is what do I do? Do I let this play out or cut it off? I know he is into me. He messages me if he is going to be home late so I don't wait for him. He is acting like we are together now. if he can't stop this, it is up to me....but what if there is a chance that when we meet he will have a change of heart about this barrier he has put up? Thanks in.advance for your input.

[TMichaels]

I know one thing: I wouldn't be meeting up, going on holiday and sharing a hotel room with a guy for a month whom I knew only from chatting on the Internet and I've never even met.

 

I think you're just asking for trouble.

 

I also think this guy is having a blast living in a fantasy world with you playing a starring role. He sounds like he's not grounded in reality at all, and I'd be very wary of putting your life on the line with someone who clearly doesn't understand boundaries or the word "no."

 

Best,

TMichaels

[chaosofcolour]

I agree with the above -- meeting someone online can be a little risky, especially if you're planning to do something like staying for a month in the same area -- probably one-on-one.

 

I hope things go well for you but I definitely think you should talk to this guy and let him know how you feel -- or how confused you are.

[meeji]

There are 5 of us going on this trip. Me, a friend of mine, and 2 of his co-workers. I wouldn't go on my own to meet some random guy off the internet in a different country. The reason we are going there is because all of us have been studying the Language for some time and plan on eventually relocating to this place. Yes it is a vacation but the trip also serves a purpose. I am not going there specifically to meet this guy. I have friends who are natives there I am planning on meeting up with as well. With or without him, I would still be going on this trip. @TMichaels, He is the one that set the boundaries but he is conflicted about staying in them. I think part of him would like to know what could be and the other part of him is concerned about all the things that could go wrong in maintaining an LDR. I don't think he is playing games with me. I think he is unsure about what means more, answering the "what ifs" or keeping things inside of his safety zone. Any time anyone opens up to another person its a risk, regardless of whether you met them on the internet or the grocery store. Every relationship holds the possibility of someone getting hurt whether its long distant or local. I think the real issue here is that this guy has issues with being vulnerable. I don't think that its actually the distance. I think he wants a new relationship but he is afraid of getting hurt. That's my take on it anyway.. Thanks guys.

[TMichaels]

@TMichaels, He is the one that set the boundaries but he is conflicted about staying in them. I think part of him would like to know what could be and the other part of him is concerned about all the things that could go wrong in maintaining an LDR. I don't think he is playing games with me. I think he is unsure about what means more, answering the "what ifs" or keeping things inside of his safety zone. Any time anyone opens up to another person its a risk, regardless of whether you met them on the internet or the grocery store. Every relationship holds the possibility of someone getting hurt whether its long distant or local. I think the real issue here is that this guy has issues with being vulnerable. I don't think that its actually the distance. I think he wants a new relationship but he is afraid of getting hurt. That's my take on it anyway.. Thanks guys.

 

Sounds like you have it all figured out, so doubtful anyone will be able to add anything else worth your consideration.

 

Glad to hear you're not going on this trip alone. Hope you enjoy it and it's all you hope it will be.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[meeji]

There are 5 of us going on this trip. Me, a friend of mine, and 2 of his co-workers. I wouldn't go on my own to meet some random guy off the internet in a different country. The reason we are going there is because all of us have been studying the Language for some time and plan on eventually relocating to this place. Yes it is a vacation but the trip also serves a purpose. I am not going there specifically to meet this guy. I have friends who are natives there I am planning on meeting up with as well. With or without him, I would still be going on this trip. @TMichaels, He is the one that set the boundaries but he is conflicted about staying in them. I think part of him would like to know what could be and the other part of him is concerned about all the things that could go wrong in maintaining an LDR. I don't think he is playing games with me. I think he is unsure about what means more, answering the "what ifs" or keeping things inside of his safety zone. Any time anyone opens up to another person its a risk, regardless of whether you met them on the internet or the grocery store. Every relationship holds the possibility of someone getting hurt whether its long distant or local. I think the real issue here is that this guy has issues with being vulnerable. I don't think that its actually the distance. I think he wants a new relationship but he is afraid of getting hurt. That's my take on it anyway.. Thanks guys.

 

I wouldn't have posted here if I was not open to suggestions. Its always good to look at things from different perspectices.your reply sounds a little condescending and I'm not sure why. All opinions are welcome.I never claimed to "know it all." I just posted what I think is going on and if someone sees another angle, please do share it.You guys have more experience with this than I do.

[january2011]

I think that you need some clarity from him that he wishes to pursue a relationship with you. His actions suggest that he does. However, he did say previously that he doesn't want to do long-distance again. So you need him to be clear about what his intentions are. Talk to him.

 

As to meeting in-person someone you first met on the internet. I did it. And he was a random guy (from a dating site no less) in a different country. I've now stayed with him twice and will be heading over again next week. We've been together for over a year and consider ourselves in a long-term relationship. Many people who are now in LDRs did it. There's even a couple on LS who met on this very site and are now married and living together.

 

Having said that, you do need to ensure that you keep yourself safe. Since you won't be going alone, that does help somewhat. I would suggest that perhaps you share the room with your friend rather than him. Then you can get to know him in-person without the pressure of being in the same hotel room and sharing the same bed.

[meeji]

Wow! Weren't you apprehensive at all about that? I think I would be. There are lots of crazies on the internet. At the same time, there are many good,average people there too. It is hit or miss. As for the room, the five of us will be split between 2 rooms but I do see your point. Maybe I should reconsider the set up. We have had a few talks about this relationship status. All of the times that it came up, he was the one that brought it I don't want him feeling like I'm putting pressure on him to be in one. I guess him saying that he has to fight with himself to talk himself out of not seriously considering dating me long distance explains why his actions and his words are contradictory...but I also have a choice to make myself available to him or not. I think I also have some thinking to do to determine if I'm doing both us a favor ir injustice by backing off. Thank you for your positive attutude January!

[january2011]

I was very excited during the flights. Then when I stood at the top of the escalator overlooking the arrivals hall and saw him, I got quite scared. I questioned whether or not I was doing the right thing and was this really safe? He could rape and murder me. My body would be in a foreign country and my family would none the wiser until it was too late.

 

But it was fine. He had this huge grin on his face. He gave me some roses. We hugged for a very long time. It felt right and comfortable. I felt very happy. Then we went for a coffee and chatted. Got some groceries. Then went back to the place where we were staying. I'm usually apprehensive staying overnight for the first time with someone but I slept like a log. Must have been because I had spent the last 24 hours travelling.

 

In my situation, we'd spent four months Skyping every day and exchanged, "I love you's." It was very clear that we were in a relationship, albeit we hadn't met in-person. We'd also talked extensively and knew we were a good match.

 

Thing is, you don't know whether this guy will turn out good or bad until you meet him face-to-face. It may or may not work out. But you can give it a shot, especially as you won't be on this trip alone. Therefore, it's probably as safe as it's going to get.

 

I also think that you need clarity before you do anything like sharing a room with him. You don't want to put yourself into a situation where intimacy may be on the cards and you are not sure where you stand. I think that's why it's a good idea to just approach it as a "friends getting to know each other" trip but not discounting that something might happen.

[meeji]

Your story is very cute. So many people have such negative attitudes regarding these types of situations. Its good to hear some happy stories every once in a while. He contacted me today asking if we can skype tonight so I will bring it up this time and see what happens.

[meeji]

My guy has since changed his mind about restricting or relationship. He asked me to date exclusively. Since then, we have increased the amount of communication and had started introducing me to some of his friends. We all play the same MMORPG online. Right now, he is on vacation in his home country and I am scheduled to meet his mother and sister on Skype in a few days. I think this is legit. It sounds crazy and some of our friends have said that we shouldn't bother with this ...but the truth is that it's not their relationship, nor is it really their business. I'm gonna trust my gut on this one.

 

so far, things seem like that are heading in the right direction. Our trip in April is still on but we have planned another a few months before that, in January.

 

Wish me luck x