Athena Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 Actually last night was easy Hmm, you seem to gloss over the important stuff.... perhaps you actually need a Wake Up Call in your life, which will cause you untold pain and crying, and chaos in your marriage, children's lives, and career, before you take this all seriously enough to actually DO something about it all. Good luck until such time as you actually get motivated (from the outside, naturally...) to change your ways. Right now you appear not to take anything seriously. It's just a matter of time before it all explodes in your face. Oh, yes, and do go to the Other Man/Other Woman forum, to post there -- perhaps you will get some cheerleaders for your goings-on. You don't appear ready to learn/change/ whatever. Some people just have to Learn for themselves, by going through it themselves, they don't want to learn from other people's mistakes and poor choices.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spinning Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 Hmm, you seem to gloss over the important stuff.... perhaps you actually need a Wake Up Call in your life, which will cause you untold pain and crying, and chaos in your marriage, children's lives, and career, before you take this all seriously enough to actually DO something about it all. Good luck until such time as you actually get motivated (from the outside, naturally...) to change your ways. Right now you appear not to take anything seriously. It's just a matter of time before it all explodes in your face. Oh, yes, and do go to the Other Man/Other Woman forum, to post there -- perhaps you will get some cheerleaders for your goings-on. You don't appear ready to learn/change/ whatever. Some people just have to Learn for themselves, by going through it themselves, they don't want to learn from other people's mistakes and poor choices.... Trust me I have spent so much time poring over threads on a few forums in this place. Of course I take it seriously but I DID have a hangover yesterday. FACT. Client events are unavoidable and I posted half way through it to help focus on exactly what I'd set out to do. Do my job, be a (hopefully) great host and get the evening over with and then home. Maybe I will choose the selfish approach and not bring details of A out to wife and you know what I don't actually care if people disagree with that approach. But whatever I do next I do it with an informed mind with the help of the valued advice I've received on here Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spinning Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 how do you feel? did getting through this help bring insight into any of the feelings you've been having? one day at a time... I set out on a mission and I achieved a mission. I'm feeling positive and quite frankly I'm pleased with myself in the sense that I've stopped the rot. I'm now starting to question some of my motives. Is it just the distance ? Why exactly am I here ? for starters. You're so right with One day at a time. I can't honour each of the Just for Today requirements but I can honour the big one. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 A lot more insight than you had a week ago. Good job. Just don't disrespect your wife any longer. She's the innocent in this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 I set out on a mission and I achieved a mission. I'm feeling positive and quite frankly I'm pleased with myself in the sense that I've stopped the rot. I'm now starting to question some of my motives. Is it just the distance ? Hello Spinning. What are you up to? Did you come up with any answers to your above questions? Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I'm a mid 40s married father of two teenage children with a long marriage... I'm away from home, my wife has chosen not to follow and I don't think she ever will.... it's affecting my work.... Forgive me if I don't I always respond quickly but I WILL respond. When you discussed your imminent move to HK, how did the conversation go with your wife? Specifically, what did each of you decide was the best thing to do for your family? Did you both agree or were your plan of action at odds? If you were to make a list of your priorities such as work, other woman, children, wife, family, etc... what would be your top 3 and in what order? Link to post Share on other sites
Just_A_Poster Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Was the OW a factor in my choosing to come out here? If I'm honest YES of course, mainly because I was curious as to whether the spark we had before was still there. Was this the only reason ? Don't be silly. I fell in love with HK the first day I touched down here many years ago. Well golly gee, uprooting my ENTIRE life to following my husband to Hong Kong - because a good part of his reason for relocating is to see where things 'go' with his side piece - is CERTAINLY number one on MY hit parade. Good Christ. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 What's going on there? You juggling two women? Link to post Share on other sites
Later82012 Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 How do you let anything escalate to cuddling with another woman when you already have a woman at home? Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Quite. OP, why is your wife wrong for not wanting to uproot herself and your children? You fell in love with HK, she didn't. Why did she have to accept this massive upheaval because you wanted it? I think she's pretty amazing and accepting to have let you go away for such long periods. Of course she might be having an affair herself as another poster suggested - but maybe she is just trying to support you as best she can with the life and career you wanted as well as support and care for your children without you to help her. Go home. Talk to her. Stop living in libido fantasy land. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 I am a former unfaithful spouse. What I would recommend though is insisting that you be heard. There is a sense that on hearing about infidelity whether physical or emotional that it then becomes all about the "betrayed" spouse and that the unfaithful spouse no longer has any "right" to any airtime, their role is then simply to support and contain their "wronged" spouse. My own views will no doubt be unpopular here but I would argue that unless the unfaithful spouse is able to express and explore fully without the conversation being emotionally hijacked by their spouse the reasons for their infidelity, there is little chance of the issues being fully resolved. The unfaithful spouse will simply be silenced and their issues driven underground as the focus shifts to the "betrayed". This is not about assigning blame it is about reaching an understanding of what happened and why, so as to resolve the issues whether personal or marital to prevent a recurrence. I hope you are able to resolve this one way or another to a constructive end. I strongly agree with your last paragraph about the WS needing to have his say. Maybe not at first - a lot of pain has to be vented from BS and for a while they come first - but the WS has a story too and if a marriage is to thrive after A, that all needs to come out. Since I found out about H's affair he has done all he can to heal me and comfort me, but as times has passed he has told me things that he had never told me in all our years together - about his father and his childhood - and also things about his current fears. We are closer now than ever. I'm not a child that needs protecting. I am supposed to be his wife and partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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