need some helpful hints

[tiki]

I have been married for a little over two years, and am feeling extremely frustated. I work full time, do the majority of the housework (every day, its the dishes or the trash or the vacuum or... well, you get it). I also am in charge of sorting and paying the bills, and doing the mundane daily tasks that running a houselhold requires (feeding the dogs, watering the yard, making appointments, taking cars for oil changes, etc.) I get very little help from my husband, who also works full time. He insists that I don't appreciate his help, but he truthfully doesn't seem to realize how little of my time I get to spend on myself due to shouldering the majority of the load. We fight about this alot, and nothing seems to change. Also, the romance (not to mention the nooky) is almost non exsistent. I feel undesired, unappreciated, like I am all alone (not with a caring and equal partner) taken advantage of, and TIRED of it all. I have suggested marriage counseling, which he very hesitantly agreed to, and let him know that if things don't change, I probably won't be around forever, that I can't imagine living out my entire life like this! What I am looking for here are any ideas... how do we make things more fair? What are some suggestions for bringing the romance back? If it's like this in the 2nd year, will it be like this forever? Or change for a while and then revrt back to this? Need some advice, some ideas, to try before the counseling, as the idea of talking to a stranger makes both of us just a little uncomfortable...

 

Thanks in advance!!!

[Tony T]

I know your husband loves you but often love goes dormant and it takes some real trauma to bring it out.

 

I really hate to tell you this, but your husband won't change a whole lot on a permanent basis until you pack your things and walk out the door. That will stir him up considerably. Unfortunately, he does not have sufficient life experiences to know how to value love, how to express affection and appreciation, and how it feels to have someone walk out on him...someone he has completely taken for granted.

 

There's nothing here to fight about. That serves no purpose whatsoever. Maybe you could just stop paying the bills or doing other things that he takes for granted and give him the responsiblity.

 

Really sorry to report this to you. I can't imagine in my wildest imagination how a counsellor can make him appreciate you more. That will require a change of heart. Maybe a good counsellor can go over some strategies to help you deal with your anger, frustration, rejection, etc. That is a positive.

 

Your husband is not unlike many millions of men around the world who don't really know what they have. Sad.

[Rogue]

It also helps not to sweat the small stuff. A lot of everyday things can get pretty annoying,but in the larger picture they are really petty. Just cause he won't do the dishes doesn't mean he wouldn't jump in front of a truck to save you.

[Selquist Argith]

Well you are both new at marriage, after some time, and experience you'll get things compromised, and worked out, as in all things dealing with life long love it just takes some time, and some times a little outside help, but you just got to make him compromise

[Mitch]

"I have suggested marriage counseling, which he very hesitantly agreed to"

Well, housework is one of those topics where guys often really "do not get it." I think it's second only to $ in terms of topics most argued about.

 

(It might have even come in first, I know it was in the top two.)

 

My parents argued about it in a big way when my mother started working full time. And my folks *rarely* argued but they argued about this one in a big way.

 

(They just celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary a week ago, no foolin')

 

Guys (and yes, myself included) often "do not get it", at least initially, when it comes to housework. When we were kids, our mothers came from the generation where the woman was expected to do it all (the men worked, right?).

 

So we get this crappy situation where the woman does it like she's "supposed to", but she's also working full time, and the guy gets used to it being done like when he was a kid. Plus, for a guy in this situation, sweeping the floor can seem above and beyond the call of duty ("Hey honey, look what I did all by myself!").

 

But times have obviously changed and this arrangement just isn't tenable anymore.

 

I'm actually optimistic for you guys given the above. If he had said "Aw screw it, you're just crazy" or something, then that would be real trouble.

 

But that he did indeed eventually agree to go is a good sign.

 

And it's also good that you're jumping in early, before this turned into something uglier.

 

In the meantime, ... well, try switching household chores.

 

A few weeks/months in your shoes around the house could convince him that "Hey, this is a serious pain in the arse. She wasn't just kidding." Plus, it will seem like a fair test to him in the sense that if what he probably thinks is true ("Oh, what is she complaining about now?!") is really true (and I doubt it is) that would be verified as well. A chance for him to put the issue to rest in his mind.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if the counselor suggests this right off the bat.

 

BUT (and this is a big one) his idea of a "neat and orderly house" could be dramatically different from yours. One of the problems between my folks was that my mother had a very different idea of what needed to be done, so she jumped in and did it when she would have benefitted more if she'd just stopped altogether and my dad had a chance to catch on faster.

 

In the end, this just served to make her madder over the whole thing.

 

So fight the temptation to jump in and do some housework or pay the bills if he slips. And, he probably will. Not out of spite, just ... because he's a guy.

 

Sure, a counselor is a good idea. If this person is good at what they do, not only will they be very hard to see in a reasonable amount of time, but you will find that some of the messes they deal with make this pale in comparison.

 

But, see the doctor when your fever is at 100 rather than wait for it to get to 106 right?

"Also, the romance (not to mention the nooky) is almost non exsistent."

Once you guys are on the same wavelength, this will change. But this doesn't surprise me in the least. If a couple is fighting about *anything*, well...

 

I'm optimistic for you guys. Hang in there and good luck.