Feelings after abusive relationship ends

[spiderowl]

A friend has just ended a relationship after her partner abused her physically. The abuse was minor (if one can use that word), compared with the attacks some have experienced, but she was shocked and hurt. Things had slowly declined beforehand. I want to support her but how is she likely to be feeling now? She knows it's not her fault but sometimes I wonder if she thinks it is. If you have been in a relationship that gradually became more chaotic and abusive, perhaps you could give me some idea of the feelings that followed after breaking up?

[LondonBridges]

Relief.. because I was away from him, but finding myself again after the split was difficult. THAT is something I was not expecting... learning to live (and be) alone all over again. I put up with a fair amount of emotional abuse and "minor" physical abuse for years, and toward the end I was plotting my way out. I never felt like I deserved any of it.. I know many women DO though. Just check in with her regularly and be there for her.. she'll need the support from friends and family, especially if she starts considering going back to him.

[spiderowl]

Thanks, that's really helpful. She seems shaky at the moment and sometimes wants to talk and sometimes not. I'm not sure how to help. No one deserves to be treated like that by their partner.

[Ducky23]

Remember that every person and every situation is different. Regardless of how "minor" the abuse was, it might have been horrifying to her. Traumatizing even. Don't minimize it. Not to her, not to yourself. Abuse is abuse. It's normal that she sometimes wants to talk and other times not. It took me over a year after leaving my extremely abusive ex before the whole story of what he did to me ever came out. Some people who are close to me still don't know the full story. Make sure she knows you're there when she DOES want to talk. And don't worry about "not knowing what to say", just listen. Hold her hand, cry with her. And when she doesn't want to talk, don't push it. Take her out, go for a walk, window shopping, play a sport, whatever she enjoys. It'll help her stay healthy, it can distract her mind, make her laugh, and make her realize that it's okay to be single and it's good that she left. That's what she needs most. To be "normal". Sometimes it's hard to remember that there's a great whole life outside of that relationship. And it'll help her not fall into depression if that's a possibility.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your posts. I certainly wasn't minimising it by saying 'minor', not at all, I just didn't want to give the impression she'd ended up in hospital with major injuries. I can imagine how shocking it must be to have someone you love treat you like that. There has been some good advice. I guess I wanted to understand the stages she might be going through. A relationship ending is never easy and hurts a great deal in itself, but with this on top too. I don't want to press her on it but just be someone she can talk to if she wants to. Maybe talking makes it worse for her? What do you think?

[Ducky23]

Thanks for your posts. I certainly wasn't minimising it by saying 'minor', not at all, I just didn't want to give the impression she'd ended up in hospital with major injuries. I can imagine how shocking it must be to have someone you love treat you like that. There has been some good advice. I guess I wanted to understand the stages she might be going through. A relationship ending is never easy and hurts a great deal in itself, but with this on top too. I don't want to press her on it but just be someone she can talk to if she wants to. Maybe talking makes it worse for her? What do you think?

 

Talking makes it "more real", if that makes any sense to you. Especially where someone you love has hurt you sometimes it's easier to pretend. Like, say it was an "accident". ("He didn't mean to slap me, I just made him mad and he couldn't help it.") Or that it wasn't a "big deal". ("He only hit me once. I really ended the relationship because of x.") I never ended up in the hospital either. But nobody ever saw me showing off skin, because it was always bruised. But they weren't "minor" either.

Her emotions are going to be very.. Sporadic I suppose is the best word. Depending on a lot of things. If her only reason for leaving him is because of this "minor" abuse, she may still love him and start rationalizing his actions to herself, and others. Especially if it was only a one time thing. She may defend him. She will go through the usual range motions, sadness, anger, apathy, ect., but depending on the situation, it may also be that she feels happy, empowered, "peaceful", ect. If she was already getting tired of the relationship/realizing his flaws/getting restless and was already thinking of ending it anyway, she simply may have nothing to say. If she doesn't want to talk, I wouldn't push it. Occasionally check in on her, (not every day), and see how she's doing with it. Be honest about how YOU feel. Tell her you're concerned and would like to have an honest conversation about what happened, what she's feeling and thinking, and what she plans on doing. That way you have an idea at least of what she needs from you. If she doesn't want to talk to you about it, then don't push it. A lot of people have a lot of different coping strategies. Talking about it helps heal the pain and talking it through helps the brain to truly understand what happened and why. She might not be ready to face it yet. And that's okay. If the abuse was a semi-regular, or regular, thing, then she'll have a lot more to deal with. Physical abuse is bad. It's very bad. But I honestly would have preferred a broken bone to some of the things my ex said to me. If he tore her down, was emotionally/mentally abusive, then it adds a whole other layer to the damage done. Find out exactly what she's facing and you'll have a better understanding of how to be there for her.