I cheated on my boyfriend with my roomate

[Eugenie57]

I did something stupid that I really regret. I cheated on my boyfriend while he's away on vacation. And I did it with my roommate who's a year older than me, I'm 22. I feel so wrong for having sex with someone else while he is away. He is absolutely loving, sweet, funny, caring, and affectionate towards me. He is hands down the best boyfriend I have ever had. I know that I have recently realized that I'm in love with him but I don't have the guts to say it yet.

 

While he was away he had 1 day surgery to remove a cyst in his ear. Two days after he left he didn't call me for 5 days. And when he did call I found out that he had the procedure done 3 days previously. I was pissed that he didn't call me but I was so happy to be hearing from him again. He's been away for 10 days and I've only talked to him twice. He'll be gone for 9 more days.

 

I feel guilty for cheating on him but not guilty that I did it with my roommate because the sexual experience with him was such a pleasant one. I know I should of stopped things before they went too far but the way he kissed me was so soft and sweet. I don't want to be with him or anything I think I was feeling depressed that my boyfriend was away and then with struck with the realization that I'm actually in love just felt like an emotional roller coaster. Plus my roommate and I are really close, he told me awhile ago that he likes me but I just ignored it because he was drunk at the time. We are definetly not going to be in a relationship, I just think that he has been attracted to me for a while and he acted on it.

 

I definetly didn't want to do it. We both didn't want to. But because he was my good friend I felt safe with him, and I slowly ended up cheating on my boyfriend. I was surprised when my roommate kissed me, but it felt so good to have someone there to cuddle with. He hugged me real tight and kissed me on places I really like, like my forehead and cheek - just like my boyfriend. After a while we slowly began to have sex.

 

I kept thinking about my boyfriend the whole time. My roommate was so gentle and sweet and the experience didn't feel bad. I don't feel guilty for having sex because it made me feel better for a little while. Sometimes I struggle with depression and I'm in therapy and on medication. It wasn't a bad experience that I had with my roommate. I'm not going to tell my boyfriend. I feel so utterly wrong and despicable for cheating on the most wonderful boyfriend I have ever had. I don't know how I could of done something like this.What is your advice for me? Should I tell him? If I tell him I will hurt him and be ruining the best relationship I have ever had. This is the first time I have ever cheated on anybody, and I really regret it.

[DerangedAngel]

You:

 

I did something stupid that I really regret.

 

I feel guilty for cheating on him.

 

The experience didn't feel bad.

 

I don't feel guilty for having sex because it made me feel better.

 

I feel so utterly wrong.

 

I don't know how I could of done something like this.

 

I really regret it.

 

So which is it? You feel guilty, or you don't.

 

I think you should tell him, because, chances are he's going to find out eventually anyway. It was with your roommate. C'mon.

 

-Deranged

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Just a quick question. How would you feel if your boyfriend did to you what you did to him? You are still disrespecting and cheating on him by not telling him the truth which is the least you can do.

 

Your comment that you don't feel guilty having sex with your roommate because it made you feel better, indicates that you are far too immature to be in a relationship with somebody you claim to love.

 

It is clear that you have no understanding of the word and you continue to keep the truth from your boyfriend, which continues your disrespect from him. Why doesn't he have the right to know what his girlfriend did, so he can decide how he wishes to live his life.

 

Shouldn't it be his decision since you cheated? The fact is that you are still cheating by withholding this information. You have proved that this is all about you and apparently you care for, and respect your boyfriend very little.

[Eugenie57]

I just spent the time crying because of what I did. It was so not worth it. My boyfriend is one of the best things that have ever happened to me. I'm so stupid and wrong for jeporadizing it. It wasn't worth it. Not at all. My roommate is my best friend and he won't tell our other roommates because all of them would act weird around usm and he's a private person. We both aknowledged that it was a mistake and I am never going to cheat on my boyfriend again. I don't want to tell him what I did because it would hurt him so much, and I really love him. I feel like such an ass.

[Max Overclock]

In your post, I am struck by two things hunn.

 

#1. You had a terribly huge lapse in judgement to cheat on your boyfriend.

 

#2. You know what you did was not right, and are very remorseful for it.

 

In my opinion, if you do not tell him the whole, honest truth (and risk the possibility that you will lose him), you are going to be opening yourself up to a whole world of emotional torture in time to come. He may not know, but you do, and I have a feeling that you may be the type of individual whom in time, this will haunt.

 

The more important reason that you should tell him is the reason you gave us yourself. You believe him to be a great boyfriend, with whom you have a special bond. If you do not tell him, you will be reducing him to a child who has no say in how is life is to progress with a woman, for whom he cares so deeply. You will be eliminating his right to choose how he deals with the situation, as a human being.

 

If you fancy yourself a woman worth his consideration, do the clearly appropriate thing. Give him his dignity as a man to make that difficult choice. With complete honesty, tell him exactly what happened. Tell him how awful you feel about what happened, and that you are truly remorseful for hurting him. Ask him if he can find it in his heart to forgive you.

 

Last of all, stand as a woman of renewed character and accept whatever decision he makes with loving understanding.

 

Please take this to heart.

 

Max

[guest]

He doesn't deserve that let him know and deal with the consequences and if you really loved him you would be able to prove it.

[Eugenie57]

Thank you all so much for your advice but I do not want to hurt my boyfriend in anyway. What I did was stupid and regretful but there is no way I will risk losing him. How in the world can you ask me to confess what I did when it would ruin both our lives. Yes, I have cheated, I have sinned. I was wrong and confused and I made the wrong decision. I have communication problems within our relationship that I have to deal with as well as my depression. If he found out he would be so hurt and the pain that I would feel would be like a fatal tidal wave. Do I know what love is? Yes. Did I have sex out of spite? No. I cheated because I needed comfort, and instead of getting to the root of my problem I succumbed to my roommates charms. Now I know I really messed up. I know what I did was wrong and I will never do it again. Why kill our relationship? Just to absolve myself of guilt? My boyfriend is a good guy. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. I've done an enormous amount of that already.

[XYZ]

Eugenie57!

 

You are on the brink of making a huge mistake. Your boyfriend will eventually find out, believe me, you can not get away with something like this. So before everything gets overcomplicated tell him. Let him decide how he wants to live his life. Reverse everything.... Would you be happy if your boyfriend had an affair, while you are having a cyst surgery. That is really not fair my friend. Can I ask you a couple of questions?

 

How long have you been going out with your boyfriend?

 

Also you say "He doesn't deserve to be hurt. I've done an enormous amount of that already." May we know what you did? What did you do to hurt him in the past?

 

Good luck! Look forward to seeing your post!

[Debster]

Hmmm... where to start. There are just so many things that are so wrong in your posts.

 

Thank you all so much for your advice but I do not want to hurt my boyfriend in anyway.

If you didn't want to hurt your boyfriend, you would not have slept with someone else.

 

My roommate is my best friend and he won't tell our other roommates because all of them would act weird around usm and he's a private person.

Your roomate is NOT your best friend. If he was, he would never have made a pass at you when you have a boyfriend whom you say you love.

 

I cheated because I needed comfort

Give me a break. You cheated because you were horny, someone paid attention to you, you didn't give a crap about your boyfriend and you were pissed that he didn't call you. If you want comfort, call a REAL friend or cuddle a teddy bear.

 

But because he was my good friend I felt safe with him, and I slowly ended up cheating on my boyfriend.

You say you love your boyfriend and he is the best thing that happened to you and you mess it up because you felt safe and needed comfort? I'm sorry, I don't buy it.

 

days after he left he didn't call me for 5 days. And when he did call I found out that he had the procedure done 3 days previously. I was pissed that he didn't call me but I was so happy to be hearing from him again. He's been away for 10 days and I've only talked to him twice. He'll be gone for 9 more days.

You go on about your boyfriend not calling you for 5 days when he was away, almost like a feeble excuse to justify your actions. Maybe instead of porking your roomate you should taken a class on how to use a phone to make calls.

 

Do I know what love is? Yes.

I doubt it. Loving someone does not mean that when you need comfort and your boyfriend is away for less than a month that you can get 'comfort' from someone else.

 

What I did was stupid and regretful but there is no way I will risk losing him.

Yes it was stupid and regretful and DANGEROUS. I hate to break it to you, but you DID risk losing him and you still could lose him. Especially if people find out. BTW, it always gets out sooner or later.

 

I feel guilty for cheating on him but not guilty that I did it with my roommate because the sexual experience with him was such a pleasant one.

 

How can you in one minute say your behavious was stupid and regretful and in the other say that you don't feel guilty because you enjoyed it?

 

IMO your actions show that you are too immature to be in a mature, exclusive relationship.

[Pyrannaste]

It's either time to break up with your boyfriend or change roommates.

If you don't break up with him, whether you decide to tell him or not, you should find *as soon as possible* a new place to stay. Ideally you should have left the place already.

I suggest you tell him anyway. It would be the right thing to do. Yes, he is going to be *very* hurt. But you should tell him anyway and let *him* decide what to do.

In my experience people who claim they didn't tell they cheated to save their SO's feelings are just making a great confusion between their partner's feelings and their own ass.

If he decides to stay with you, it's needless to say that you should stop all contact with your roommate. And never ever a male roommate again.

[dudesomewhere]

"I'm in love with him but I don't have the guts to say it yet. "

 

Um, no you're not...so don't say it...that would be like lying...and since cheating is a form of lying...you'd be a real big liar

 

mean and harsh huh...but I'm telling the truth...bwahahaha

 

yeah as you can see I don't take kindly to infidelity hehe

 

this is an "oh yeah" edit: ...the don't say it part is referring to the love saying thingamabob...you should tell him you cheated. Don't look back to getting back with your bf. This is the serious part out off all my goofing off. Tell him and you both move on...of course he may want to stay with you but we all know you'll cheat on him again(I might be joking a little there...or something). You've lost your integrity...time to regain it and by telling him is one foot back on the road of integrity.

[amerikajin]

Your bottom line is that your words may say you didn't want to do it, but you nevertheless went ahead and did it anyway. Never judge anyone (yourself included) by what words you choose to describe your behavior or your attitudes, judge by the end result. In the end, that's the only thing that matters anyway. Talk is cheap, honey.

 

No attempt at rationalizing this act is making it any nicer. You're not fooling any of us here. You say you didn't want to cheat...maybe you'd rather think of it as some sort of coincidental sex with someone who wasn't your boyfriend. Think again. These things, despite the now all-too-familiar cliche, don't "just happen."

 

Understand something: I'm not saying you're a bad person. I've known people who are otherwise nice and friendly and essentially good who have still committed the act of infidelity. If you had no conscience you wouldn't be so conflicted, so I'll give you that much.

 

It all boils down to one thing: you've got issues that you need to sort out. You're needy and insecure. You can't stand to be left alone for more than a day or two before you're seeking out someone else for intimacy and sexual comfort. Now what does that tell you? It tells me that you're not ready for the kind of relationship that is predicated on trust and common understanding - not when you do things that would undermine that trust.

 

This is all about your insecurity and allaying all of these fears you have about abandoment or not measuring up somehow. Not now, but when you did the deed you probably felt an insatiable need to be comforted. I've got news for you: you've still got that insatiable need. Do the math. It means bad news for your boyfriend.

 

If you're interested in covering your ass and sweeping this under the rug, then the best thing to do is to keep your mouth shut; if you're interested in doing the right thing and being fair and respectful toward your boyfriend, the best thing to do is to explain to him that you've got some problems you need to sort out before getting into a committed relationship with him or anyone else, and then let him go.

 

The choice is yours. I'll be interested to know which choice you make.

[Eugenie57]

In most of the replies I have read everybody was ragging on me. As if I didn't know already what I did was wrong. This is the first time I have ever cheated on anybody and I'm not exactly looking for a medal here. There is no way that he is going to find out because we are not going to tell him or anybody else. I went and talked with my roommate last night because I was crying about what I did. We both felt guilty about it. We're never going to hook up again and it was a stupid mistake. Why in the world would I want to break up my current relationship because of a stupid mistake I made. I had sex once 8 days after he left, not the first day after his surgery. And it was only a one day procedure so lets stop with the pity party.

 

Everybody keeps telling me that he has the right to know? Why? That's not going to help our relationship, are you out of your mind? He would be so hurt, and I've already done enough with me cheating on him this time. The only reason why I thought the whole experience with my roommate was a pleasurable one was because it was. The experience was wrong but the sex felt good. But ultimately it was wrong to cheat, and my boyfriend has never cheated on me. And we used condoms plus I took the morning after pill so I'm all set. There is no way that when I pick him up from the airport next week, that I'm going to say "Honey I'm in love with you but I was just too scared to tell you until now. Listen I'm really sorry but when you left I slept with my roommate."

Oh my god he would be so pissed. He would probably start crying in the car. I'm not going to do that to him. I'm never going to do it again so what's the use in confessing? To let him be free to make the choice as to whether or not he wants to be with me? That's such bull****. I'm not going to mess up our relationship. I already cheated, I feel an enormous amount of guilt because my boyfriend is a good guy. I made a mistake, I feel guilty about it, so now I'm moving on. When he comes back I'll be so loving and kind toward him. He'll love it. And then I'll tell him that I love him and our relationship will be the best ever. Now that is good advice.

[Debster]

Well now that I know this:

 

I had sex once 8 days after he left, not the first day after his surgery. And it was only a one day procedure so lets stop with the pity party.

 

The experience was wrong but the sex felt good. But ultimately it was wrong to cheat, and my boyfriend has never cheated on me. And we used condoms plus I took the morning after pill so I'm all set.

 

It makes ALL the difference.

 

To let him be free to make the choice as to whether or not he wants to be with me? That's such bull****. I'm not going to mess up our relationship. I already cheated, I feel an enormous amount of guilt because my boyfriend is a good guy. I made a mistake, I feel guilty about it, so now I'm moving on. When he comes back I'll be so loving and kind toward him. He'll love it. And then I'll tell him that I love him and our relationship will be the best ever. Now that is good advice.

 

Gosh darn, you ARE right. How did we ever survive without your good advice?

You must be the smartest, most mature, unselfish, honest and caring 22-year old I have ever met (or read about).

[plagued]

I read this crap, it angers me. You are a very selfish person. I hope he finds out and hope he dumps your crazy ass.

[XYZ]

Oh my God! What are you thinking? No sane person would do such harm to the person she loves.

 

Look at all the replies. Listen to us! Go talk to him. You have no right in this world to cheat on him and hide it. Never forget! All the harms that you are giving is going to double and return to you. Believe me he will somehow find out. At least I really hope so!

 

How, please tell us how you are going to look into his face and kiss him and tell him that you love him. Aren't you ashamed? How are you going to say this looking into his eyes? Poor guy, I can't explain how sorry I feel for your boyfriend. He didn't do anything to deserve such disrespect from you! You are treating him as if he is an idiot or your little doll.

 

No more comment! Reading your messages really irritates me.

[Pyrannaste]

Everybody keeps telling me that he has the right to know? Why? That's not going to help our relationship, are you out of your mind?

 

Sounds like you posted here hoping that someone would advise you not to tell your boyfriend ....it would have lessened your guilt and made you feel better, wouldn't it?

 

When he comes back I'll be so loving and kind toward him. He'll love it. And then I'll tell him that I love him and our relationship will be the best ever. Now that is good advice.

 

Are we now supposed to pat you on the back and tell you what a great girlfriend you are?

 

Oh my god he would be so pissed. He would probably start crying in the car. I'm not going to do that to him. I'm never going to do it again so what's the use in confessing? To let him be free to make the choice as to whether or not he wants to be with me?

 

*Exactly*.

 

That's such bull****. I'm not going to mess up our relationship.

 

Well, sounds like you already did.

If you decide not to tell him, and you are *really* never going to do it again, good luck. I hope he won't find out. But *please* find a different place to live in and different roommates to live with. If you keep living with this roommate of yours, it is very disrespectful towards your boyfriend even if he does not know you cheated.

[Eugenie57]

You know what - you need to chill. Everybody makes mistakes. I'm not going to let my mistake ruin my future.

 

I am doomed in this life? You are so dramatic. We have all acknowledged that cheating is wrong, ok. And for your information I don't believe in karma, thats bull**** too. Yeah I feel ashamed. I'm sick of apologizing. I had a terrible lapse in judgement and I'm suffering from it. I cheated on the man I love and nothing could feel as bad as that.

 

I just can't tell him alright, I just can't. And I'm leaving now to go talk to my therapist and I bet she'll suggest that I don't tell him either. He is the love of my life. And I realize that now I never want lose him. He won't find out and I have learned my lesson. Peace.

[moodyblues]

Look, you're 22 and short-term gratification is a bitch and obviously ruling your life right now which is fine. You never know. Maybe your boyfriend was cheating on you and that is why he didn't call for five days.

 

Just realize that you probably aren't going to end up with this guy and sleeping with someone else pretty much sealed that. Tell him or don't. Not telling him really seals it too. He probably knows anyway. You just need to be honest with yourself and break up with him soon, especially if he is the one on the relationship long-term gratification path.

[reservoirdog1]

You've gotten flamed a lot, so I'm not going to add to it. But there are definitely a few things you need to realize.

 

Everybody keeps telling me that he has the right to know? Why? That's not going to help our relationship, are you out of your mind? He would be so hurt, and I've already done enough with me cheating on him this time.

 

The first thing you have to realize is that you have already dealt the relationship a mortal blow. The mere act of you being honest with him won't damage it... you've already done that.

 

What you're really asking for here is permission to keep lying to him, because of what YOU want. You have no right to make his decision for him by deciding what information is or isn't relevant. He has the right to have all the information.

 

You are a cheater. When he finds out (and, don't kid yourself... one way or another, he probably will), he will need to decide whether or not you are somebody he wants to stay with. Among the many consequences of your actions, you may have put his health at risk via STDs. That was not your decision to make -- that was his alone, and you took it from him.

 

You seem to want it all. You want your boyfriend, and you want your roommate to still be your friend. You are still being selfish. You are disrespecting your boyfriend every time you make him associate with your little f*ck buddy, because he is still unaware that he's in the company of one person who betrayed him and the person she betrayed him with. I've been where your boyfriend is... I was that naive, blind, trusting fool, who happily went out with my wife and associated with the guys she was screwing behind my back.

 

This is not about what you want anymore. It's about doing what's right and fair. You've already damaged your relationship, and possibly destroyed it. And if your boyfriend decides to stay with you in spite of what you did, you will almost invariably have to break off all contact with your roommate.

 

But, that's the price you pay for what you did. A relationship built on a foundation of betrayal and lies isn't worth having. Do what's right and give your boyfriend the respect he's entitled to.

[plagued]

you came here wanting justification for cheating, you didn't get and now you are pissed. I am sorry, but I do not think you deserve our advice. And further more your therapist will tell you what you want to hear, you are paying her. We tell you the truth and it hurts ...maybe because it is free.

 

One thing... the sun revolves around the earth not you.

 

Right on to the rest of you, I am glad to see such integrity. Make me feel not so alone!

[XYZ]

Originally posted by Eugenie57

Yeah I feel ashamed. I'm sick of apologizing.

 

Did you really? hahahaha you made me laugh! Who did you apoligize to or are you hallusinating? anyway, one last thing:

[savethedrama4allama]

Well, you wrote here asking for our advice, did you not?

 

The general concensus here seems to be that you should tell him.

 

Either way, you can not have your cake and eat it too. You are going to have to lose something- your boyfriend, your roomate's friendship, or your self-respect and sanity if you keep this secret. Choose which of these you are willing to lose or keep and go for it.

 

I know it is scary to tell him and hurt him, but the truth is you already have hurt him- he just doesn't know it yet. If you tell him, you might be surprised how relieved you feel for taking responsibility.

[YellowLioness]

yeah, honesty is the best policy. *shrugs* If he found out you cheated (and he will) and that you lied about it, or ommitted crucial information (and again, he will) he will probably dump you with out a thought. However, if you come to him with honesty and tell him before anyone else does then you have the POSSIBILITY of saving your relationship with him. Besides, what are you going to do if your "best friend" tells your man in a jealous moment? Or, what if he gets drunk again (like he did when he told you that he liked you) and tells SOMEONE ELSE that you f*cked him? *shrugs again* I won't bore you with my own moral judgment on your actions, save it to say that I agree with everyone else. But, if you're going to cheat, you should have at least been smart about it in the first place.

BTW, Karma is a b*tch, hon. Coming from someone who knows.

 

Yellow

[moodyblues]

I think I did come off harser than I meant.

 

I cheated on one boyfriend when I was 19 and one when I was 22. Like I said, short-term gratification. When I was 23, I started dating a man that I absolutely loved and really realized how bad cheating truly is, and came to the conclusion that I was never going to do it again (and I never did). We dated for 2 1/2 years and I saw kharma waving at me, and I knew that he was going to cheat on me and he did. Suckiest feeling in the world.

 

More importantly than that is that, if your boyfriend gets that feeling that you cheated and asks you, please tell him at that point.

 

When my ex cheated on me, I KNEW that he had, but he kept denying it to "protect my feelings," and all it really did was make me feel like I was crazy because I knew I knew it, but he just denied it until I finally confronted him with the name of the girl. Then he confessed and I felt a lot better that I wasn't crazy, and then got to deal with all the other crappy feelings of being cheated on.