I cheated on my boyfriend with my roomate

[UCFKevin]

This is lame as hell.

 

"I love my boyfriend but I cheated on him. I feel so guilty but the sex was so good that I don't feel too guilty about it. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend."

 

You can't love him too much if you did this. Break up with him. He means nothing to you if you can do something like this and not feel too guilty about it.

[dudesomewhere]

um, excuse me Kev...he's a free ride and meal ticket thank you very much! Of course he means something to her!

 

I gotta say, this has been some funny shiznit...between Eugenie57 and anangel2be it's comparable to the entertainment in my library of some 4-500 dvds.

 

hehe....sleep! where art thou!

[Fritz]

Sigh, I read this article : secret lives of wives on infidelity and then this thread. Its all about me, me, me these days. No morals, no honesty, and no trust.

 

 

You screwed the pooch darlin, it happens to the best of us. Tell him the truth so you don't let the guilt eat you up (though are you really feeling guilty?) take your lumps, and show him by your actions that you really care about him. Anything more than that and its up to him.

[Debster]

Fritz, Fritz, Fritz

 

You screwed the pooch darlin, it happens to the best of us.

 

Great, now we're going to get some dog-fuc%er writing in thinking he has found a group of likeminded individuals.

 

Tee hee.

[Agent Provocateur]

I think you should tell him. The risk of him finding out otherwise is too great.

 

It's understandable that you were lonely. If you were "in love" you would have tried to be with your bf or dealt with the loneliness. Part of being an adult, or growing up, is taking responsibility for your actions. By hiding everything your not taking responsibility. If you have any respect for him, you'd tell him anyways. I understand that your fearful of losing him. You have a better chance of not losing him if you explain and let him decide on the outcome himself. We're only humans, we make mistakes!! I agree with the others - you don't seem to know what love is or what it's about. You are being selfish and treating him as a child (with no say) by not telling him. You've made a mistake, you'll soon make an even greater one by not telling him yourself... You'll be a bigger person by revealing your feelings. Honesty IS the best policy!! (Not to sound cliche)

[supermom]

Loveshack is a place to post probs, but there are so many people on here that have different opinions.

 

At first you may not agree, but you know, i have not agreed at first with what people have said, but then, it starts to open my eyes. If you want advise you need to be more open. Why did you post if you already had your mind made up?

 

Your bf will find out..eventually and will be more upset if you didn't tell him. My husband told me when he cheated, and let me tell you, if i had found out from anyone else but him, oh boy, it would of been worse.

 

You need to be more open minded....or don't get pissed when people post their opinions.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Debster

Fritz, Fritz, Fritz

 

 

 

Great, now we're going to get some dog-fuc%er writing in thinking he has found a group of likeminded individuals.

 

Tee hee.

 

What, you mean loveshack isn't all about bestiality?

[Grinning Maniac]

Eugenie,

 

I don't think you love your boyfriend. If you actually loved him, you'd RESPECT HIM enough to let him make his own decisions about this relationship instead of picking and choosing what you think he needs to know. You don't have the right to do that in any situation. You're just his girlfriend, not his owner. You are not entitled to his love or his trust. You have to earn it. You messed up. That's ok. Everyone makes mistakes. But now you have to be an adult and face the music. It's up to HIM whether he should stay with someone who cheated on him, not YOU. You have no say in the matter except to convince him that you truly love him and will do whatever is necessary to make it up to him, after he knows the truth. But the first step is obvious. TELL HIM.

 

By shrugging off the advice that everyone here has given you(notice not one person agrees with your point of view), you are pretty much saying that this relationship is all about you, and you don't respect him enough to let him live his own life. Also, you are being pretty ignorant in thinking this won't get out. It always does, at some point or another. Would you rather him find out now, from your lips and hope that he forgives you...or have it be a few years from now when you and your roommate have had a fight and he decides to **** with your life while he's drunk? I certainly would not forgive you at that point.

 

Be honest, the first person you are thinking about in this situation is YOU. You don't want to mess up things with your roommate, you don't want to lose your boyfriend, you, you, you. Hell, you even came here for "advice" and ran away like a little girl with a skinned knee when we didn't tell you you were doing the right thing by keeping it from him. How weak is that? You didn't come for advice, you came for redemption. Well, you aren't going to find it here. You will only find it in the arms of your boyfriend after giving him what he deserves. The truth. You want to end your guilt? It starts there.

 

Lying to protect someones feelings is still lying, and lying is NEVER ok.

 

I have been on the other side of the situation, Eugenie. My girlfriend cheated on me while she was on vacation this year, and the ONLY reason I didn't dump her right then and there is because she came out and told me as soon as she got back, begged my forgiveness, and has been extremely supportive in helping me deal with it. You on the other hand, are just being selfish.

 

This is the part where you speak. You ever watch "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"? When the contestant chooses the "Ask the Audience" lifeline, how often are they wrong? I haven't seen it yet. We're your audience. We're telling you the answer, even though it may be a hard one. Don't be so ignorant as to ignore us. You're not as smart as you think you are.

[Eugenie57]

Well obviously this topic has garnered a lot of moral debate. Maybe I just blirted out some of the thoughts I had in my mind, which became misconstrewed and picked apart by this forum. SO the big question? Am I going to tell. (sigh) You know I just can't do it right now. I dunno...maybe in the future, like in October when my roommate moves away. I talked to my therapist and we both concluded that now was not the time. I can't even fathom dealing with it right now. What I do know is that I really like my boyfriend and looking him in the face while trying to squeese the words out of my throat is not something that I'm prepared to do right now. I'm not taking away his choice as to whether or not he wants to be with me, because I know he wants to be with me. I mean, if you cheat on a test but you don't get caught, the next time you won't be so inclined to cheat because of the stress it caused.

 

 

I dunno, maybe I came to this forum so that somebody would sympathize and acknowledge my mistake but accept my decision. I respect my boyfriend. I really do. Sometimes he says things to me that are so sweet I melt a little. But our relationship is not perfect and its in the beginning (we've been dating for 4 months)

Y'know maybe 2 months from now if I feel the need to confess for whatever reason I will. The pain that I feel over my actions is enough to swallow us both. IF I didn't love him then I wouldn't be on this forum spilling out my guts. And for the advice out there that I should move out, your crazy. I live in a great college community, and I have lived with all male roomates in the past and nothing has ever happened. The house I live in now is co-ed.

 

 

Of course my boyfriend deserves to know. Do I want to take his decision away form him? No I do not. I realize that it might of seemed shallow of me to say that I would be even nicer to him as a result of this mistake. But its the truth. I feel guilt over my actions but I not going to make a rash choice again. I just want things between us to work out. And my roomate is not my f*** buddy thank you very much. Nobody is celebrating this. I hardly doubt he'll be socializing with my boyfriend now that he knows me inside and out. We are not people without conviction or character. And I am not infalliable. Some people have stated that I am selfish, that I want it all. Well I do dammit. Who here doesn't?? He dosen't come back untill late next week so I'll make my decision then, but I'm emotionally drained from explaining this situation and my feelings on this matter. My boyfriend does not need to know right now, right this instant. But he does deserve honesty from me. I have never lied to him before, but then again I have never cheated on anyone before.

[CurlyIam]

Let's look at details a bit:

 

You do know that there is a chance you got HPV or herpes right? Even with the condom! That is, if he passes herpes to the mother of his kids and she doesn't know about it, it can cause really big problems to a possible pregnancy, right?

 

He was awya for.... 8 days? 8 days? And why? To have a surgery done? It all sounds to me like you were already attracted to this roommate of yours ...

 

Everyone makes mistakes, I can give you that, but not in such a short period of time! Not that easily ! The fact that you seem to be taking it so well makes me think that you've thought about it before. Be honest to yourself: didn't you feel attracted to the roommate before too? Maybe even think a bit about him? Temptation is always 2 steps near you. I'm not saying that you've planned it, but it does look extremely convenient, doesn't it?

 

The decision to tell him should not be motivated by him or his feelings, but by yourself. By the type of person you are. Be the type of person you choose to be! If you choose not to tell, you are lying to him.

[VeryConcernedGuy]

Eugine57 - I had my G.F. cheat on me recently (she only dated and kissed the guy) but hey that REALLY REALLY HURTS.

 

You have no idea how similar the EXCUSES you have made up, to try and JUSTIFY your answer of DOING WRONG are to what my G.F. said to me.

 

I KNEW MY GIRLFRIEND HAD CHEATED, US GUYS CAN TELL YOU KNOW, YOU'LL NEVER EVER KEEP IT A SECRET...THAT'S A FACT. IT SHOWS IN THE WAY YOU ACT AND WHAT YOU SAY AND HE WILL PICKUP THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG.

 

JUST THE FACT THAT YOU SAID, YOU'LL TREAT HIM NICER THAN EVER AND KINDER THAN EVER AND TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH.....WILL SET ALARM BELLS RINGING IN HIS HEAD.

 

I WANT YOU TO TAKE NOTE OF THIS IMPORTANT POINT.

If you want to keep your man, THAN BE A WOMEN

AND TELL HIM......HONESTLY, IT HURT ME WHEN MY G.F. TOLD ME, BUT IT WOULD HAVE HURT ME EVEN MORE IF IT HAD'VE GONE ON AND I WAS THE ONE TO TELL HER THAT I KNEW SHE WAS CHEATING

 

PLEASE Eugine57 Don't Make the MISTAKE OF A LIFETIME BY NOT TELLING HIM

 

It's your call, don't be selfish you'll lose him forever.

 

Honesty Prevails!!!

[Fritz]

I mean, if you cheat on a test but you don't get caught, the next time you won't be so inclined to cheat because of the stress it caused.

 

Other side of that coin is, "Hey, I didn't get caught the first time, I won't get caught the second time either!"

[Eugenie57]

You know what I really like my boyfriend, and there is no way that I am prepared to tell him what I did three days ago. HE just does not need to know that I cheated on him. Especially since its my roomate!! I'm in a difficult situation and I'm just going to focus on school and summer leisure activities, and when he comes back a week from now our relationship will be gret because we really miss each other and he says that he can't wait to see me.

[amerikajin]

So if your boyfriend cheats on you then you don't need to know about it, right? If your boyfriend is having sex with prostitutes, you don't need to know about it, right? If your boyfriend is doing heroin, you don't need to know about it, right? Neither of you are entitled to the truth, right? Anything goes, right?

 

Sheesh! your therapist for giving you such s***ty advice. If I were you I'd demand my money back.

[supermom]

You need to listen to the advise that everyone is giving you. It will be much worse if you don't .

 

A relationship is not just about one person. Don't you expect honesty from your bf? I'm sure he expects the same.

 

You are being very selfish about this, and protecting your roommate is going to show him that you are wanting to be with him, will give him more to think about, weather or not it is true, your bf will have so many thoughts going on in his head that I am very sure that will be one of them.

 

Who are you protecting here?

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by supermom

You are being very selfish about this, and protecting your roommate is going to show him that you are wanting to be with him, will give him more to think about, weather or not it is true, your bf will have so many thoughts going on in his head that I am very sure that will be one of them.

 

DINGDINGDING!!! That's absolutely correct! What do we have for her, Johnny?!

[jst4u]

I am in the military and I see things like this all the time. Your man was only gone how long and you already cheated on him? Regardless if he called you or not that is not an excuse. You say you don't regret it cause it the sex cause it was good and than how much you love your boy in another sentence. I would sit down and really think if you love him or the guilt has over come you to much and you are thinking it is love. You need to tell him it is going to hurt him more further down the road if he finds out you have lied to him the whole time. Telling the truth hurts less than finding out someone has been hiding something from you.

[supermom]

When you were a kid, didn't you ever have your mom or dad tell you "if you tell me the truth you will be in less trouble then if you lie to me"

 

My husband cheated on me once and hid it for nearly 1 1/2 years. I was more mad that it was hidden then if he told me right then. It took me alot longer (still taking me a bit) to get over the hurt than if he would of come home and told me.

 

Come on! Put yourself in his shoes. What would you do if he cheated and didn't tell you for along time.

 

Why are you asking for help, when, you obviously are not wanting it.

[XYZ]

Hey! Why are you being stubborn so much? We understand that you don't want to take the risk losing him, but you already took that risk by having sex with your roommate whether you tell or not. If you tell him right away, your chances of saving your realtionship is higher. If you tell him too late it will be extremely low, and even worse if he finds out from somebody else, you have absolutely no possibility. Listen to us! If you can't tell on his face send him an e-mail or call him. Tell him how much you regret it.

 

Everybody makes mistakes in life, you are neither the first nor the last one making one. It is already a great step I think that you are seeking advice both online and from your therapist. But I agree with one of the comments made earlier that therapists tell you what you want to hear, they are there to make you comfortbale, they never judge...In return they get money from you. It is their job Eugenie!

 

This is your life, you live how ever you like. But a situation like this doesn't affect your life only, it affects your boyfriend's too. You love him but you didn't respect him by sleeping with your roomate. i also don't understand why you try to protect your roommate so much. We understand you made a mistake but I think he didn't make a mistake, he took advantage of you and your boyfriend's abscence. If he was a good friend he would act like one and wouldn't do something that would ruin your future with your boyfriend, knowing that you love him so much.

 

Good luck with everything. I hope you be honest with your boyfriend, and tell him what you have to tell on time before it is too late. Most of the people here have relationships and most of us seek advice like you too... Noone here, spending their time writing to you, to ruin your relationship.

[Eugenie57]

Thank you all so much for your advice, I really appreciate it. Maybe I'll admitt that I just kissed another guy, but I'm not prepared to tell him about the fact that I cheated on him. The only reason why I said the sex was good is because I had had a one night stand before a few years ago and the experience I had with my roommate was good by comparison. So thats where I'm comming from. I'm not reveling in it, it was just a thought I had typed out. I have no desire to sleep with him ever again and the intimacy I have with my boyfriend is 10x better. I am not excusing my roommates behavior, but if the rest of the house were to find out it would be a very uncomfortable situation for us both to be in. And since he'll be moving in a couple months I see no reason to make the situation worse for either of us. Moving out is just not an option for me right now, esp with school. I regret what I did a lot but I come off as defensive in this forum because so many people are putting me down. A couple of people, XYZ, supermom, jst4u, and very concerned guy, (as well as others) have given me potent advice that I have sincerely taken to heart. Thank you XYZ for telling me that seeking out advice is good, as well as talking to my therapist. I disagree with you and amerijian because she has always given me encouraging advice and she could see how bad I felt about my dilema. No matter what I know for a fact that I'm in love which is why I have reached out to others on this forum. If I didn't love him I wouldn't feel guilty about what I did or agonize over my decision. My boyfriend is on vacation right now living it up. The last thing he needs to know while he's a thousand miles away from me- is that I cheated on him. Amerijian if your reading this quit putting me down and asking me insulting questions. And curlyIam I do nto have an STD and never will, so just chill out. Thank you XYZ and jts4u, supermom and very concerned guy you have really touched me. Maybe I will tell my boyfriend, but I just can't do it right now. Everytime I think about it I start crying. But who knows, my boyfriend and I are close so if he asks me I probably won't lie about it. If he can sense that something is wrong and aks me if I cheated on him.... I dunno, I'll probably tell the truth. But I can't imagine how its going to improve our relationship instead of just destroying it.

[jst4u]

I will tell you that right now he is still away from you and you are feeling this when he gets back and you have to actually look him in the face it is going to hit you even harder. It is better to tell him face to face don't tell him while he is on his vacation your right that is all he needs, but in the end you are going to have to tell him. You would not want someone else to say something or have your roomate slip up one day and have him start questioning you. If you are this emotional now when he gets home I will tell you he is going to notice something. Just be carefull and I wish you the best of luck with it. If you truelly care for each other he will forgive you, but you may have to do alot of making up and butt kissing. Good Luck!

[Max Overclock]

I understand that you're in a very difficult situation. You feel terrible about it, and you cannot think of even how to approach the subject. Your education might be affected by a breakup right now also.

 

Life in your house might become very difficult if the truth is known. You value your BF very much, else you would not be having a hard time reconciling what you did with the intimate love you've had with your boyfriend.

 

No, you may very well not have an STD. You aren't likely to be pregnant with this roomate's child or anything like that.

 

Consider the following questions though, if you would. As a man, I'm trying to pick apart the significance of the events leading up to the actual act of intimacy itself, and the aftermath also.

 

1. What process of decision-making went through your mind at the time you decided to have intercourse with the roomate? Did the thought of your boyfriend's reaction come to mind at the time?

 

2. If you got swept up in him, what might this say about the relationship you have about your boyfriend? Is there, maybe, some seemingly minor thing lacking there, that you might not be seeing clearly right now because of the emotional unpheaval that the indiscretion is now causing? Is there an alternative explanation for why you may have felt "free" enough in your own thought process to accept the physical intimacy of your roommate?

 

3. Let's assume that your boyfriend loves you as much as you love him. If so, and if he was to have had an intimate experience with a woman outside of your relationship with him, would you consider it important for him to tell you of it? Even if there is little chance he would do so, would you consider that to be an important thing for you to know? Do you feel that it might indicate that anything was "incomplete" with the love and intimacy that he has in his heart for you? A lot of if's are there I know, but I believe it's important for you to reflect on these things at this juncture.

 

Irrespective of what we might say here, you and he will need to face the potential fall-out of the experience with your friend. You're right on one thing, though. It is possible that he may never know if you don't tell it. I suppose the same thing might work for him if he has had sex with another girl other than yourself. I find it hard to imagine that you would not be hurt by such a revelation. Perhaps I'm wrong on that count, and if so you can certainly say so. Nonetheless, ask yourself the question with honesty.

 

I think that before he gets back, you will need to have these types of ideas considered and somehow understood in the framework of your relationship with your boyfriend.

 

The morality of the omission about the affair may be worth it as far as the avoidance of pain in the short-term goes. I'm not sure that it will be worth the internal conflict you might go through over time.

 

You are by no means mandated to answer the questions I posed. But, I would be interested in your responses.

[Eugenie57]

Jst4u,

Oh my gosh! Thank you so much for saying something to me that finally made sense. I feel like you know where I'm coming from and you have given me possibly the most logical assumption as of yet. The thought of actually telling him is terrifying, and I just don't know how I can possibly say the words to the man I have come to love. That I cheated on him with my roommate who he had previously thought was attracted to me.

 

 

But my roommate never made a move on me before. We were just really good friends, and he would always be happy to eat and drink with me at any time or place. And he was always up for going out and having fun with me. I never thought that he was attracted to me, but the night that I ended up having sex with him he was unusually complimenting me much more than usual. Before that night I never imagined that I would end up in a kind of situation like this.

 

 

If I tell my boyfriend what I did, not only will I be ruining the best relationship I have ever been in, I will also be potentially making a situation that I don't want to be in with our other roommates. They don't need to know what went down between my roommate and I. It would shift the rest of the relationships I have with all my other roommates. Its just a disastrous situation for us all.

 

 

Your in the military. If you unintentionally cheated on your girlfriend, on top of telling her would you like the whole platoon to know about it too? Especially if you lived with your platoon?

 

What if your platoon was co-ed and you cheated on the best girlfriend that you ever had- with a fellow private that you currently live with? Would you want to deal with not only your girlfriend but also every member knowing and talking about it? I'm just not ready for this much stress.

[jst4u]

A mistake is a mistake. I am telling you take the time you need to get the courage to tell him and just do it. Do you live with him in the house with all your roomates? If your roomates are your friends they will not talk behind your back about it. You also have to look at it this way. If they do talk crap about you think about the fact you got yourself in a the mess. I do not mean to sound crass or what have you, but the best way to a health relationship is honestly. If he truelly loves you he will be glad you told him and did not hide it from you. Losing you bf is a chance you took when you went to be with your roomate even if you did realize you loved him. I will tell you I cheated once, but it turned out a different way. I realized how much I didn't love my boyfriend. Just listen to you heart is all I can tell you. You may feel completly different when you are actually face to face with him. So just relax and when he gets home take care of it from there. You never know what feeling or emotion will roll through you when you actually see him again.

[Eugenie57]

Oh my god max did you just read my mind?? I read jst4u's post, and after I was done replying to it I just happened to read your's (which is just astounding). I will do my best to answer your questions.

 

1. What process of decision-making went through your mind at the time you decided to have intercourse with the roommate?

 

During the whole time I went slowly from he holding me a little closer and closer, to him then kissing me all over my face, to having sex four hours later. I was surprised that he did that, but that night we talked a lot and I told him about how much I missed my boyfriend, and how upset I was to learn nearly four days after, that he had the 1 day surgery on his ear. At the time I really missed my boyfriend and my roommate would just comfort me. When he did kiss me I kissed him back so that he wouldn't become embaressed.

 

He kissed my face like my boyfriend did, and held me close to his chest, just like my boyfriend. I thought about my boyfriend the whole entire time and just did not plan on it to go farther than a possible kiss. I told him I wasn't going to have sex with him, and he concurred with me. My roommate's so nice and cool with me It never crossed my mind this would happen. Plus the intimate side my bf and I share is 10x better than this 1 experience. I was never swept away from desire, I just slowly broke down and said yes.

 

2.

I kind of unknowingly put myself in this situation because I let my roommate sleep in my bed 2 times before, but the last time he did he put his arm around my waste and I just shrugged it off, and that was it. It was only because he usually came home and seek me out to talk to,so when he fell asleep on my bed, I treated it like I would if a girlfriend of mind had slept in my beg. It was no bid deal. Although after the second time he fell asleep he never slept in my bes again because I thought my boyfriend would probably get upset. I definitely was not swept away from him, we just laughed and joked around. Its nothing like the extreme emotional, physical, or intellectual relationship that my bf and I share.

 

I felt free enough to do it because at the time I thought my boyfriend didn't value my feelings enough to call me and talk to me at any time during the process. He usually calls me every day, but the second time he called me was several days later and late at night. I was kinda pissed at him and I my roommate wa very comforting. At the time I he was just comforting me, which was what helped a little.

 

3.

I would be so shocked and upset if my man said he cheated on me with another girl. Then I would like to know what need drove him to do it. I would definetly want to know about it, of course. I just think he needs to communicate with me more so that I am happier. But if he was in my situation my advice would be that he keep his mouth shut.