I cheated on my boyfriend with my roomate

[Debster]

I've been talked about me like I'm stupid, not possessing any morals, vindictive, selfish, needy, with a few swears thrown in. His reaction to this will be minor compared with the gravity of this.

 

You can't really believe this, can you?

[Fritz]

e) even if my boyfriend forgives me I cannot move out of my place right now, and I'm not moving in with someone I'm not married to. So cohabitation with him is out.

 

You can date your bf, sleep with him (presumably) but you can't live with him aka cohabit. Yet you can sleep with your male roommate and then still cohabit with him?

 

I can appreciate the pickle you've put yourself in but you made the mess and now you have to clean it up. Life isn't always going to be fun or easy. Just be ready that the more you delay the truth, its more likely that things are going to end very badly. A person is more likely to forgive a one night stand especially when told right away than finding out (from you or someone else) months or years later. If you tell him later, he's always going to wonder if you slept with roomie those few months before the guy left or if you had been before. This isn't like some drunken hookup while on vacation or something. You live with the guy you cheated with.

[reservoirdog1]

Fritz is completely right.

 

You're faced with a couple of scenarios here. Let's look at them.

 

(1) A few months go by, and THEN you tell your BF what you did, and he realizes that you kept living with your f*ck buddy (hereafter abbreviated "FB"). There is no way in a million years that he will EVER believe that it only happened once. No way. He also won't be happy to find out that he naively came to your place and hung around with you and FB. So what does he do? He dumps you and leaves.

 

2) A few months go by, and then your BF finds out what you did, possibly because your FB got drunk and blabbed. So what does BF do? He dumps you and leaves.

 

3) You move out immediately, accept the hardship and the "stress", and find a new roommate (preferably female), and you stop speaking to FB completely.

 

You come clean, whether immediately or in a month or so. So what does BF do? He's terribly hurt and heartbroken. But he also acknowledges that you went through a lot of agony and that, when the chips were down, you did everything you could to show that FB wasn't part of your life and that, more than anything, you loved your BF and wanted to work things out. If you're lucky, he WON'T dump you and leave.

 

You should see a pattern here. That pattern is, there is NO WAY you can prevent the very real possibility that your BF will dump you and leave. If he finds out from somebody other than you, I'll be you a pound to a pinch of sh*t that he'll do just that.

 

What reason would he have to ever trust you again? I sure wouldn't in those circumstances.

 

The only thing you can do, if you really want to save your relationship, is to stop choosing the path of least resistance. You must acknowledge what you did, face it head on, and demonstrate that, even though you made a horrible, hurtful mistake, more than anything you want to make it up to BF.

 

You will deal with the stress, the sadness, the inconvenience, the "waste of time" looking for a new home, and the strange principles that let you cheat on your BF with your live-in FB, but not live with your BF, and commit yourself to doing whatever it takes to build an honest, committed relationship.

 

I sense that a lot of posters are getting exasperated with you because they don't see any willingness on your part to do more than the bare minimum of work to repair the damage you've done. That's pretty much my perception too at this point.

 

So, with that, I'm laying down a challenge for you. PROVE US ALL WRONG.

 

If you do so, then I, for one, will willingly acknowledge that I misjudged you. But not until then.

[DerangedAngel]

If I tell him about it he will most likely tell my other roommates.

 

Why? Are you sure it isn't just something you are trying to tell yourself to not feel as guilty about your decision to keep your mouth shut?

 

If you aren't depriving him of any choice, because you "know he wants to be with [you]", no matter what, then I don't see how you can think he's going to want to get back at you by making your living situation uncomfortable.

 

You are the one making posts that keep contradicting everything you have previously said, fueling everyone's arguments here.

 

You aren't responding directly to anyone's questions, which might actually help you think about the mess you're in. You just keep whining because we aren't babying you.

 

Why don't you just read what you have written and figure out what kind of advice you would give yourself?

 

-DA

[Grinning Maniac]

Originally posted by Fritz

You can date your bf, sleep with him (presumably) but you can't live with him aka cohabit. Yet you can sleep with your male roommate and then still cohabit with him?

 

[Eugenie57]

Resivour dog,

 

You obviously have not been listening to me. The situation is too stressful right now. Prove you wrong? Give me a break.

 

Why wouldn't I cohabit with my boyfriend, but I still live with my roommate? First of all my roommate and I have separate rooms. Our schedules are so different its rare that I see him more then a few moments a day. I'm probably only going to be living here for another year. The fact that my friend and I made one mistake does not mean my whole world has to be turned upside down.

 

The reason why I won't live with my bf is because we're not married or engaged, and cohabitation with him would be just like I was married to him, but without the ring. I'm all set. Maybe I should move out, but that's something I will have to ponder about a bit in the future.

[lovELyxrYdEr]

Like I said before, If you cant take the heat THEN DONT POST HERE!

 

WE are yelling at you and I even throw in some obsene words because ITS NOT GETTING THRU YOUR HEAD! You jump for one thing to another in a matter of one sentence. You are very very insecure, you can't move in with your bf because you dont have a ring, but yet its ok for you to live with some that you screwed when your bf was away right? Right now man!

 

See, there you go again. Nothing you say make sense. I am also 22 . I thought $hit like this only exist in high school, not fourth year in college. I am not calling you immature cause you are 22, I am calling you immature b/c of your actions and the way you act and think. Sorry I called you names on the previous post, but I still stand by what I said. People like you anger me. It's like talkin' to a brick wall. It doesn't sink in no matter what. Number one sign of self DENIAL is to close themselves to others.

 

BTW

"My therapist is a wonderful supportive person who has always helped me reach my goals and make decisions that are healthy for me. Any one of you would be blessed to have that kind of person in your life."

 

Sorry hunnie, I can think and speak for myself, and don't need someone to think out my thoughts for me.

[amerikajin]

Let's get something straight right now, kiddo: everything you do the rest of your life is going to be judged by other people. Your work will be judged by your boss; your ability to be a good lover will be judged by your companion; your faithfulness by your friends; your random acts by strangers. You are always being judged by other people. Can't accept that? Tough, because it doesn't really matter what you want: people are going to do it anyway.

 

The reason why I won't live with my bf is because we're not married or engaged, and cohabitation with him would be just like I was married to him, but without the ring.

 

No, the reason you won't live with him is that you're not ready for a committed relationship with him. Hence the little jam session with your roommate.

 

Eugenie, I think that disclosing your indiscretion here was a good first step. It was a step toward honesty and reckoning with the fact that you made a big mistake.

 

The reason people are attacking you here is because you haven't followed through on that first step. You're telling us that you don't want to acknowledge the truth in a way that matters the most. You're telling us that you're going to perpetuate this situation indefinitely with lies, lies and more lies. And you expect people not to criticize that?

 

I think that some of the people here have gone too far in their condemnation and I won't do that to you, Eugenie. I don't think you're a bad person. I do, however, think you have a lot of growing up to do.

 

I don't care what your therapist is telling you. He/She is wrong. Delaying your mea culpa may make things more comfortable for you now, but they will only cause more problems in the future.

 

Look, if you don't want to tell your boyfriend about your thoughts and feelings, and about what you did, fine. But at least let him go. Don't use him, and don't use your roommate as your plan B, either.

 

That's what all of this is about, isn't it? You hooked up with your roommate because you may be a deeply insecure person. That's not a problem that's going to go away on its own, Eugenie. You have to fight those demons yourself, and truth be told, it's best not to involve an unsuspecting boyfriend in that fight. He becomes a victim in that situation.

 

You should give yourself time alone and find out how you can become a stronger person who doesn't need to resort to these kinds of antics. That's my unqualified opinion. Like I said, the advice you get here is free. Take it for what it's worth.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Eugenie57

Resivour dog,

 

You obviously have not been listening to me. The situation is too stressful right now. Prove you wrong? Give me a break.

 

Why wouldn't I cohabit with my boyfriend, but I still live with my roommate? First of all my roommate and I have separate rooms. Our schedules are so different its rare that I see him more then a few moments a day. I'm probably only going to be living here for another year. The fact that my friend and I made one mistake does not mean my whole world has to be turned upside down.

 

The reason why I won't live with my bf is because we're not married or engaged, and cohabitation with him would be just like I was married to him, but without the ring. I'm all set. Maybe I should move out, but that's something I will have to ponder about a bit in the future.

 

Hmm, a weak justification at best I think. I don't think seperate rooms would mean much to your bf, doors are made to be opened. Its not as if crossing the hallway is like crossing the Rubicon or the Rio Grande. I'd argue that your whole world has been turned upside down anyway by your one night fling. At least, your bf will most likely feel that way. I suppose our definitions of marriage and cohabitation differ quite a bit. Marriage to me is more than sharing a bed and living space. I suppose you could both have your own rooms, though that would be a bit weird/awkward.

 

I think what many are saying is, the temptation will be there for you or the other guy (well, maybe not) but the fact is in this type of situation you will be judged on the perception of reality, not necessarily what reality is. Would you, if in your bf shoes be able to easily believe it only happened once after being told months afterwards? I don't envy you but hope things work out for both you and your bf.

[Shasta]

I don't see why you seeked advice in the first place if your going to be stubborn about it. In my opinion, your going to regret this forever. What would happen if your roommate ends up telling him because he's jealous of what your boyfriend has with you? How are you going to explain that? Maybe he would respect you more if you told him rather than the roommate. In the end, your going to do what you want to do, but you have to understand that a lot of people at these boards have been hurt, and we know the polite thing to do is to just tell him what happened. I do hope that you have learned from your mistake and will never do it again. It sounds like just the weight of what happened is dragging you down, and it sucks, but it's good for you at the same time because it's giving you hell. It's what is going to have to happen so you can learn from your mistakes.

 

I applaud you if you are able to look him in the eyes and act like nothing is wrong. Personally, I get feelings with boyfriends about them cheating, and have even had dreams of them cheating. Those dreams have been true, up to the person they cheated with. It's just an intuition in some people. If he does end up asking you if anything happened while he was gone, that you will tell him the truth. If he doesn't ask, then you got off easy.

[ziggue]

Originally posted by Eugenie57

The reason why I won't live with my bf is because we're not married or engaged, and cohabitation with him would be just like I was married to him, but without the ring.

 

I think that this is funny. You will sleep with a room mate you are having a one nighter with as an affair but you won't move out with your boyfriend? .

 

Moving out with the boyfriend could save a bit of money on rent. Not to mention a test run to see if his good enough for marriage and to see if you guys are suited more on a seeing you every day level. Lol. Most people usually move in with someone before they marry them because of those reasons.

 

I also think that if you tell your boyfriend the truth and he still wants to try keep the relationship good luck if you are gonna continue living with your flat mate.

 

I don't see your relationship lasting if that happens with your current boyfriend. Especially if he sees you and your room mate together in the same room. Actions speak louder then words. If you and your room mate act funny around each other without even knowing it infront of your boyfriend. He is not gonna like it and if he still doesn't know what you did his gonna suss it out and get even more suspicious of you. .

 

I agree with Shasta if you don't want to tell him straight away what happened tell him the truth when he asks you.

[fiatflux]

Eugenie,

 

I just want to say that I admire you for posting your issue here and for following up regularly. It takes a lot of guts to do this--facing the music and reading all these responses takes strength that many people don't have. I mean, I know I would have a hard time even posting my indiscretion to begin with, much less following up and reading all the responses. You got guts, girl, and I think you'll grow in a positive direction and make the right decisions in life because you are willing to face up to hard issues like this.

 

-fiatflux.

[Debster]

You got guts, girl, and I think you'll grow in a positive direction and make the right decisions in life because you are willing to face up to hard issues like this.

 

ummm, but the thing is, she WON'T face up to the hard issues to the person that counts: her boyfriend. Plus in order for her to grow in a positive direction, she needs to learn from bad decisions. I don't see her learning anything here. In fact, quite the opposite.

[plagued]

Maybe this is just issues that you really SHOULDN'T worry about until after college. I am sure that you need to focus on other things. I know that you care about this person, but maybe you should let it go and worry about school and having fun for right now. I did not have relationships in college, I had fun and studied and did things that were about me. I never hurt anyone, I always told whoever that I was seeing that marriage and honeymoons were not in my immediate future and I was looking for someone who I could really hang out with.

 

If you cannot be honest about the situation, maybe you can be honest about not being ready for a committed relationship right now. Really I don't think you are, nor do I think at this point of your life you should be.

 

So what, you had sex with your roommate. Sh*t happens. But I think it would be best not to drag this into some drama. Maybe the best thing would be for you to tell your boyfriend that the level of commitment should remain less than. That way you are being partially responsible for your mistake.

 

Eugnenie, live right now. This is your time. After you have finished college and you are well into your career, you can start thinking about all of these things. But please understand that by you doing this to him, it really signifies that you are not ready for this level of commitment with anyone.

 

If you tell this person you want to see him and other people, you won't have to tell him, but at least be open enough to let him know it is not where you are at in your life.

 

If you are not willing to make sacrifices a,b,c,d,e, or f. You should just do your thing, but try not to hurt other people in the process.

[TineeTam]

Wow, Eugenie57. You poor thing.

 

Of COURSE you shouldn't tell him! You have been together four whole months already, telling your bf will send him packing. If you really do love him forever you can't let that happen. Never tell him ANYTHING that you think will hurt or upset him or the stability you are working so hard to achieve in your relationship. Men should never know these things---that's why they say women do most of the real work in a relationship. There is so much we are protection our men from!

 

And the roommate thing---housing is hard to find in college and if you are happy there then you can't do anything to jeopardize that! Your roommate is just going to have to go back to sleeping in your bed without touching you.

 

I hope your bf did not cheat on you while he was away. Didn't I read something about that in one of the other posts? If he did, then kick his rotten behind to the curb because he doesn't love you nearly as much as you love him and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! Hopefully, he loves and respects you enough to not have cheated on you while he was on vacation and living it up.

[Grinning Maniac]

*wipes away tears of laughter*

 

Good post, Tinee. That is the best sarcasm in this thread, bar none. I actually thought you were serious until I read the "back to your bed without touching you" part. HAHAHAHAHA

[guest]

Hi there,

I see there has been a lot of discussion going on about this topic so let me add my frsh perspective. I would understand if oyu were my girl adn you needed some comfort while I was gone. Just as long as you were honest and loved me. Sometimes girls even like a little variety in their life. Just as long as you put me first what difference does it make if oyu had a little fun.

 

Hope this helps.

[YellowLioness]

well, guest, I'm sure that she will follow your advice because it is the least ammount of resistance that she will have to encounter. lol.

 

she doesn't care about what we post. she just likes to frustrate people. so, this is my last post here. i tried to give my advice, and i feel like i can no longer do so with out getting really angry.

 

why post if she doesn't listen? she is a brick wall, folks! you can't save everyone. only experience will teach her what she needs to do. one day, she'll probably look back and think, "wow, was i stupid."

 

I know i've thought that a thousand times, and I'm only 23.

 

good luck eugene, no hard feelings, hope things work out for you.

 

Yellow

[plagued]

Same her eugenie.

 

"guest" ...um...yeah...anyway.

 

goodbye.

[FolderWife]

Dump your boyfriend...he hasn't called you enough. He's probably sleeping with someone else right now.

[Plato]

I was in a ridiculously similar situation. But I was the boyfriend being cheated on. It took her six months to confess to me. I knew the whole time that something was very wrong. Initially, I guessed what happened but just blamed myself for being suspicious for no reason other than intuition. We went on for six months pretending everything was normal. I assumed whatever it was must be my fault. Then she finally confessed.

 

I felt everything at once. It was the single most emotional experience of my life. Then I went numb. I couldn't let her know everything it did to me because I thought it would hurt her too much. What upset me the most was that she wasted six months of my life lying to me. That whole six months of my life is utterly meaningless and empty to me now. I never give any of that time any thought. That time I spent with her is dead to me. It wasn't real to me in the first place because internally I knew what had happened.

 

The worst thing you can do is what my girlfriend did to me. I had to wait for six miserable months for purpose to return to my life. I don't intend to be cruel or overly harsh, and if I was I am very sorry about that. But you made a terrible mistake and if you don't make it right, both you and your boyfriend will be feeling it very soon.

[Eugenie57]

Its too bad that so many of you are frustrated and angry about this whole situation because you feel your not getting through to me. The advice you guys told me made me think a lot, I was even imagining myself telling him but right now I'm too f***en scared. I go to pick him up from the airport tomorrow and I just don't want to deal with any of this right now. I'm a graphic designer and I have tons of homework to do.

 

But thanks anyways for all your help.

 

And Amerijian- thanks for not being so hard on me.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Eugenie57

 

I'm a graphic designer and I have tons of homework to do.

 

 

 

Well at least you have your priorities straight.

 

[Grinning Maniac]

Wait, wait...this is something YOU did Eugenie. This is not some little formality you're above handling. I know that you're scared about him leaving you if you tell him the truth, and you're making excuses for why you shouldn't say anything. But you know and I know, logically, you can put off your homework for an hour to tell him this and get it over with. It's important and you know it. You're just trying to find "the path of least resistance" as a few other users have said.

 

We aren't kidding. The longer you wait to do this, the worse it will be. Just face the music, Eugenie. It might actually turn out ok. It definately won't be if you wait.

 

*shrug*

[Shasta]

She just doesn't want to accept the fact that she messed up. Big time. If she doesn't tell him, he'll find out somehow and be even more pissed off at her for it. She doesn't understand this. Oh well. Can't sit there and make someone tell. I guess we all just need to give up on trying to help her situation. But, when you come back and say "He found out and left me!!" we'll say we told you so.