Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

[Lostinlife4now]

I can only judge by your level of sophistication. You are talking like someone who is too young to understand.

 

I am in my mid 50s. I have watched the pattern with friends, family, and aquaintances, for decades. And the story is almost always the same. At some point women just lose interest.

 

Drying up is part of the problem. That is what happens, and then women stop enjoying sex.

 

 

 

I am a woman in my mid fifties...and I must say, I am post menopausal and have no desire for sex...And I used to be ONE HORNEY WOMAN...can't believe I have changed in this way.

 

All of my close girlfriends who are married and over 50 DON'T HAVE SEX WITH THEIR HUSBANDS ANYMORE!!!

[Kamille]

Another way of looking at it is that we train people how to treat us. If more husbands 'left' and had provided protection for themselves with up-front marital contracts, over time this would teach those women who 'dry up' that it isn't a profitable nor effective road in life and relationships and that they should try something else. Of course, marital dynamics are a complex subject, but the focus of this thread is on obligatory sex.

 

Adults should not have to teach other adults lessons.

 

Otherwise I agree that couples should discuss the eventuality of one of the partner's decline in sex-drive throughout their relationships.

[carhill]

You're kidding, right? Every life experience is a lesson and it was and has been the predominant sentiment that 'we teach people how to treat us' on LS. I've had that leveled at myself on more than one occasion, from posters just like you.

[CarrieT]

Women lose the desire for sex. This has nothing to do the soundness of the relationship. It is a simple matter of biology. But then comes the attitude that once she's done, he's done.

 

Drying up is part of the problem. That is what happens, and then women stop enjoying sex.

 

Robert, I think you are seriously whacked.

 

For most women, the desire for sex starts in the brain and that has nothing to do with drying up. It is not biological. Yes, women biologically dry up but that has nothing to do with desire and with the simple application of commercial lube, a woman will continue desiring and being desired well into old age.

 

Of course women don't enjoy sex when they are dry, but I don't believe you can quantify the idea that women want to stop having sex because of biological reasons, but for psychological reasons as many others in the thread are bringing up.

[Kamille]

You're kidding, right? Every life experience is a lesson and it was and has been the predominant sentiment that 'we teach people how to treat us' on LS. I've had that leveled at myself on more than one occasion, from posters just like you.

 

I don't recall a single time where I levied the "teach people how to treat us line" at you. I'm more of a "if someone isn't providing you what you want, than you likely are incompatible" kind of poster. I do not believe in teaching adults lessons. And I teach adults for a living.

 

There's a difference between taking responsibility for yourself by asserting your boundaries and trying to control others by punishing them.

[carhill]

Here's what the OP wrote:

 

Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

The discussion is about the dynamic of obligatory sex amongst the sub-group of women who 'don't feel like having sex' for whatever physical or psychological reason.

 

I advanced the opinion that no, they are not obliged to have sex, at any time, and that choice, since they are, as Kamille put it, adults, has consequences, both in life in general and in their marriage/partnership. They make choices, both about their physicality and psychology, and relevant to their spouse/partner, throughout their lives. They have free will; no obligation applies and they enjoy responsibility in full.

 

OP, perhaps you could clarify. I understood 'dry up' meaning that sexual relations had drastically diminished or ended, not in the literal sense of the woman's vaginal lubrication failing. Which is it?

[carhill]

There's a difference between taking responsibility for yourself by asserting your boundaries and trying to control others by punishing them.

 

OK, now apply it to the topic. When a woman ceases sexual activity, the only potential for that act is asserting her boundaries? Is that your position?

 

Excuse me, but I'm finding this line of discussion difficult to reconcile with the expressed sentiments of women when I was in my late 30's that I was too old and 'untrainable' for a relationship. Are you saying those women weren't adults?

[Kamille]

OK, now apply it to the topic. When a woman ceases sexual activity, the only potential for that act is asserting her boundaries? Is that your position?

 

Excuse me, but I'm finding this line of discussion difficult to reconcile with the expressed sentiments of women when I was in my late 30's that I was too old and 'untrainable' for a relationship. Are you saying those women weren't adults?

 

In a situation where a partner ceases sexual activity, it is up to the other to bring up how it makes them feel and how it is affecting their relationship. If the person still refuses to participate in this discussion and to find solutions, than it becomes a matter of incompatibility.

 

As for what women said to you in your 30s, I do not follow your logic there. Why would particular women's expression of their preferences make them less adult? Those women were adults as were you.

[carhill]

Here's what you wrote:

 

Adults should not have to teach other adults lessons.

 

That they would attempt or consider myself to be unworthy of 'training', by your terminology, considers that they 'should' be something other than adults. Children, perhaps? I think that's where you're going with this. I have a strong feeling about that. Combined with another poster calling the OP 'whacked', I think that's where this is going. Not with me, it ain't. Done with you.

[Kamille]

Here's what you wrote:

 

Adults should not have to teach other adults lessons.

 

That they would attempt or consider myself to be unworthy of 'training', by your terminology, considers that they 'should' be something other than adults. Children, perhaps? I think that's where you're going with this. I have a strong feeling about that. Combined with another poster calling the OP 'whacked', I think that's where this is going. Not with me, it ain't. Done with you.

 

Carhill

 

Those women rejected you, why, I don't know.

 

But no, I never said nor will I ever said that women or men are children. Nor am I responsible for what a few women said to you in your late thirties. Nor am I in a position to judge their maturity level.

 

"Untrainable" might mean precisely the opposite of what you're trying to make it mean for the purpose of your slant on this thread: That they did not think there was much in the compatibility department and that they recognized you were set in your ways. They did not want to enter in a relationship where they would expect you to change. Nor should you want to enter a relationship where you had to mold yourself into what they wanted. It all sounds very adult to me, even though you clearly have not yet gotten over the rejection and would somehow like me to take responsibility for your hurt feelings. That I will not do.

 

Adults should not teach other adults lessons. I stand by what I said.

[Robert Z]

I advanced the opinion that no, they are not obliged to have sex, at any time, and that choice, since they are, as Kamille put it, adults, has consequences, both in life in general and in their marriage/partnership. They make choices, both about their physicality and psychology, and relevant to their spouse/partner, throughout their lives. They have free will; no obligation applies and they enjoy responsibility in full.

 

But you are ignoring the context of my first post. I made this contingent on a woman loving her husband and being willing to recognize his needs. This is not some abstract discussion of moral responsibility due to a legal contract, I am talking about an obligation due to love.

 

There was a comment about this being something out of the 1950s. I understand how it may seem that way but that is not the intent. I believe that men's needs have been trivialiized. I think the mentality can indeed be traced back to the women's rights movement in the 1960s-70s where woman were finally recognized as equals. And I fully supported that movement every step of the way. But being equal doesn't mean being insensitive.

 

The very notion of obligation is offensive to women, when I fact I felt many obligations as a function of loving my wife as I once did. I felt a duty to make her happy. I felt an obligation to do my best each day to build a future. I felt a resposibility to be attentive to her needs. And I was willing to jump through rings of fire to satisfy her sexually, I certainly wasn't perfect but I tried. But what I see are many many women who feel no obligation to even try. Even my sister, the hopeless romantic who married prince charming, balked at the suggestion that there might be viagra for women soon. Fact is she doesn't even want to try. I love my sister with all of my heart,but I think her attitude is incredibly selfish. And, it is typical.

 

Maybe regular sex won't always work. But there are plenty of other things a couple can do.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

Whatever the percentage is, I don't know. But there are a good many man who get cut off through no fault of their own. Women who wish to always blame the man here are being sexist.

 

I was recently talking with an older pro who only sees "older men". She stated unequivocably that 100% of her client's stories are the same as mine. The wife went through the change in life and that was it. End of sex life. Again, blame the men if you want but using that as an excuse to ignore their needs is just sexism.

 

When I signed up for marriage I wasn't agreeing to be a priest. So again I ask, what is a man to do when this happens? Is it the consensus here that men should just leave their wives when the change occurs? Are you saying that women should have total control over a man's sex life? What rights does a man have if he remains loyal and faithful, as I did. None? Is that your answer?

[irin]

I've been pushing this point in various threads and thought it deserved one of its own. Life partner and significant other may apply here as well in place of "wife". I guess the argument could be applied to any monogamous relationship.

 

It is my position that men have needs and masturbation isn't good enough. While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs. Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

no its not a "Need" its not food, water oxygen, you dont die from the lack of it. men have went without sex for for lifetimes and have survived.

 

women arent the only gender that lose their DRIVE, for biological reasons. it happens to men all the time. they just dont shout about it.

 

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. When she needs support or understanding, or when she really needs to hear that her new dress looks good on her, too bad. If I don't feel like it she can just manange. And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

 

yes women can actually do for themselves, we dont need extrenal validation that our dresses look good,

 

 

those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels

 

every grown adult should be able to do those things. its called being able to take care of yourself. and the house you live in.

[sally4sara]

Again, the ignorance of youth speaking. You are all living under the illusion that this has something to do with the husband. It doesn't. It is biology.

 

Come on ladies and gentleman, face the truth. In all likelihood, this is your future.

 

My son starts high school this fall; how "youth" do you figure I am?

 

I'm not the one who made a thread suggesting women are as fulfilled by men putting dirty clothes in a hamper as men are fulfilled by sex. That comparison alone was enough to know women you have sex with are not getting the incentives that keep passion alive.

[Radu]

Midlife and Menopause - Sexuality and Menopause: Physical Changes and Emotional Reactions - Our Bodies Ourselves

 

Maybe there is something to this.

 

I would really like for some older women to post here, the ones that went through menopause, to say what happened and how they dealt with it, both alone and as a couple.

[NXS]

There's a lot of deflection going on in this thread. We're not talking about the Menopause or other medical condtions here, but about a unilateral decision by what seems like a large number of women to stop having sex. It seems to happen after a few years of marriage and from the numerous threads on this we're talking about women from late 20s onwards, particularly starting in their 30s and 40s.

 

Any male who mentions this immediately gets attacked for either being insensitive/being useless at sex/being demanding etc....

 

Or it's morphed into being an "obligation" on the wife/gf i.e. a selfish demand that men force on them and not a basic need.

 

Ok, well if it's not a basic need in marriage/LTRs then what are the basic needs? Are they just confined to food/water/shelter/clothing? If that's the case then why do women continuously go on about "getting their needs met"? Are they just talking about these basic needs or are they including all the emotional stuff as well? because they're not basic needs either.

[todreaminblue]

this thread is confusing now...i do believe that adults need to learn all the time that life is one huge learning curve that you are taught lessons either directly or indirectly and i feel that includes relationships i am 43 and when i consider i dont need to learn anymore it will be time for me to go and have a chat with god plan on telling him off....and learn why he chooses not to intervene and why lifes lesson suck considerably for some ....so i guess ill keep learning which is a bonus....as i said this thread has confused me so i went off on my own tangent..... i call it lala land..would love a poster to clarify why this thread is getting a bit antsy....deb

[M30USA]

Back to the OP. Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

 

In America, no.

In Islamic nations, yes.

 

It all depends where you live and who you're married to. It's kind of a waste of time even asking the question. It will start more arguments than it will give any useful feedback.

[frozensprouts]

I've only read the first page of posts, and if I say something that makes no sense in the context of the thread as a whole, I apologize...

 

I think the area of sex is one where there is often a huge disconnect between what men and women seem to feel about it. But it's been my observation that when it comes right down to it, in a marriage both spouses need to feel that they are loved and appreciated by their spouse. Both may express this in different ways...it seems for men, it's through sex.

 

While I may no be the font of all knowledge, i have been around a bit, and been married for just avfew weeks shy of 15 years now. I've learned that for my husband, sex is his main way of showing love...it took me a long time to learn that, as with the men I had been wth before, sex had been a way to either exert control, to be cruel or to get the needs met and who the h@ll cared what i thought or felt...

 

I don't want to have sex with my husband because I feel I have to, I do it because I want to...

( and before I get a hard time about it, we do have sex a lot...won't say how often, but it's much more than average)...

 

I can tell you though that if he said I was obligated to have se with him, it would make me very sad and I'd feel really used...not trying to sound rude or anything, but perhaps it's different for women, as with women, you are literally opening yourself to someone else, and doing that if you don't really want to can be somewhat soul destroying for some... (if you have sex with your husband not so much because you are "in the mood" but because you love him and you want him to be happy, that's different...it's done out of love)

 

enough mushy stuff:sick:

[Els]

Back to the OP. Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

 

In America, no.

In Islamic nations, yes.

 

It all depends where you live and who you're married to. It's kind of a waste of time even asking the question. It will start more arguments than it will give any useful feedback.

 

Sadly, I don't think Islamic nations would be the OP's cup of tea, since there are severe penalties for engagement with prostitutes there, and husbands are also 'obligated' to provide for their wives financially for as long as they remain married.

[SoMovinOn]

I think you are all missing the point, presumably because you are too young to understand the problem.

 

I'm probably much older than you think.

 

 

Women lose the desire for sex. This has nothing to do the soundness of the relationship. It is a simple matter of biology. But then comes the attitude that once she's done, he's done.

 

 

"Women" don't anything. It has not been my experience that women lose a desire for sex.

 

 

Do you have any idea how many middle-aged women would be abandoned if all men took this attitude?

 

Do you realize how many horny, married, middle aged women there are running around, because their husband can't offer them anything better than sex as an obligation?

[SoMovinOn]

Again, the ignorance of youth speaking. You are all living under the illusion that this has something to do with the husband. It doesn't. It is biology.

 

Come on ladies and gentleman, face the truth. In all likelihood, this is your future.

 

Unless you're older than dirt, you're talking to a bunch of people who are your age or older.

 

Based on your posts, no matter what your age, not getting laid is definitely your future. It has nothing to do with her, nothing to do with biology, and everything to do with your attitude.

[SoMovinOn]

Maybe regular sex won't always work. But there are plenty of other things a couple can do.

 

Perhaps then the best answer is to turn it around ... if you were in a car wreck or for some other medical reason you were incapable of sex, what would your "obligation" be to your wife?

[princess_e]

Noooo I dont think women should have that obligation. The marriage may weaken due to the lack of sex but if a woman cant (pains or ovarian cysts for example) or doesnt want to (loss of sex drive from menopause) have sex with her husband then she has every right not to have sex with him. It would be nice if the woman still made some effort still to once to satisfy the mans sexual desires but she really has no obligation. When you get married to someone, you vow to love them forever and stay by their side and all that stuff... but that doesnt mean you are giving away your body to eternally satisfy their sex needs as well.

[princess_e]

While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs.

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. How is this any different?

 

For my previous comment, I actually didnt read your full post I just read the title and gave my answer. So I see your point in how you feel it is somewhat unfair if men have to do their part for the emotional needs but women shouldnt have to fufill their intimate needs. I thought about it and I agree that both intimacy and emotional bonding is critical in a relationship... but if a couple (both of them) are not emotionally involved and supportive of one another.. I dont really see any relationship left anymore even if they are having sex regularly. The couple in this case would be more like ... acqaintances... or f*ck buddies? They wouldnt even know each other over time if they didnt make the effort to listen and become emotionally involved. They also wouldnt be cooperating anymore in running the household if noone listened, did the dishes, put the towels away, etc. If you have no emotional component in your relationship, I dont even think it would feel like a relationship at all anymore. On the other hand, there are couples who dont have sex but are still very close to each other and have an overall good relationship. They can still love each other, be happy to see each other, feel comfortable with them, gain advice and support, work well together, etc.

 

What I am trying to say is that without the emotional aspect, it seems impossible to even have a relationship. Whereas without the intimate aspect, it is still possible to have a loving and decent relationship. ( I am not denying that intimacy is impt though) So in my opinion, the emotional part of a relationship seems critical and even essential for any relationship to function and because the intimacy needs are not also absolutely needed, it is not a fair comparison.