Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

[Els]

I doubt the marital restrictions would be an issue but I suspect the other quality of life restrictions would be not so marvelous.

 

The less extreme states do not state that a wife has obligations to have sex whenever the husband wants, sadly, or at least it isn't legally enforced. So he'll have to, horror of horrors, somehow get her to want to do it of her own accord by himself. Pretty much the same situation, except prostitutes are illegal there too.

[Ducky23]

Okay. Wow. This sounds too much like too many men I know. My ex husband being one of them. Sex is not an "obligation" in a relationship. Women lose their sex drives at different stages in life, for a variety of reasons. Whether it be childbirth, menopause, cancer, hysterectomy, medication, whatever. Yes, our hormones change. Yes our sex drives will eventually decrease and perhaps vanish altogether. It is a fact of life. There are medications on the market today aimed at treating this issue in both women and men. I have known quite a few women in happy marriages whom have not had sex with their husbands in upwards of five and sometimes ten years. Sometimes it's the womans sex drive that's gone and sometimes it's reversed. I myself find sex to be a disgusting act. Unless I'm in the right mood where the gross parts don't bother me in the moment. And yes I have been forced into it through the "obligation" argument. I can equate it, emotionally and mentally, to being on par with being raped. Because it's something that person doesn't want to do. Pushing your SO for sex, saying it's an "obligation", getting angry and making them feel guilty for not wanting it is abusive IMHO. It breeds resentment. The more you push, the less they'll want it. There are more constructive ways to address the problem. The fact that you, OP, believe that sex would be enjoyable for you if she wasn't enjoying herself and was simply doing it out of "obligation" speaks volumes to your character. Or lack thereof. Relationships, marriage especially, is about compromise, sacrifice, respect, trust, and love. Not sex. If you don't love your partner enough to respect their issues and try to find ways to cope, then you don't need that relationship. And likewise, if she understands that this is causing problems within the relationship and refuses to address it, then she is unwilling to make that compromise, even knowing it may ruin and end the relationship. It is her own choice whether or not to seek help with that problem. It is her own choice whether or not to have sex. It is your responsibility to respect and accept the choices she makes regarding her own body. It's not yours to control. If you can't live with it, then yes, walk away.

[123321]

It's not yours to control. If you can't live with it, then yes, walk away.

 

Does that go for the husband sharing his paychecks as well?

[KungFuJoe]

I myself find sex to be a disgusting act.

 

I understand that women (and men) can and will lose their libido over time, but I've never heard anyone say that they found the act of sex DISGUSTING.

 

It sounds like your situation is NOT the norm. Perhaps you were hurt in the past or whatever your ex-husband did to you made you feel this way, but this is NOT what the op is getting at.

 

He's not saying that you have to allow yourself to be raped or forced into anything. His point is that there should be a strong part of you that WANTS to make your partner happy and even if the sex isn't as enjoyable for you anymore (due to whatever reason) that you would still want to have sex PURELY for the fact that it makes your partner happy. And if you really love someone...doing something to make them happy (as long as it's not hurting you, which the act of sex should never hurt between two loving partners) should make you happy as well.

[frozensprouts]

There is no such thing as obligation in a happy and equal partnership/relationship.

 

Something happened recently where I started to truly see the meaning of this. Last year, I tore my achilles' playing basketball. I was in a wheelchair/crutches for over a month before and after surgery. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was so helpless and felt so useless. Going to the bathroom was an ordeal and something as simple as getting a glass of water was a workout when you're on crutches. I'm a very independent person and hate having to rely on someone for basic needs. But there's just so much you can do when confined to crutches/wheelchair and eventually my wife had to take care of me. She had to get our 6 year old (at the time) to school every morning, take care of our 4 year old, run her business (which she is a sole prop), AND take care of me. And she did it all...without complaining, without getting frustrated at me, and without any expectation of getting anything in return. She did it because she loved me and she wanted to make me feel as comfortable as possible because she knew that it wasn't easy for me to be confined like that when I used to be so active.

 

But, there was another part to it. Something that I asked her about later on. She said that one of the reasons why she did all of that, with no problems, was because she knew I didn't EXPECT her to...that I never made it seem like she was SUPPOSED to take care of me or was OBLIGATED to do so. Every little thing she did for me, I was so grateful and thankful for and I vowed to make it up to her (and I did by doing most of the "chores" for several weeks after I was well enough to get around). And everything she did for me, she did out of love, not out of necessity or obligation.

 

Our love for each other grew stronger since that point (something we have both talked about and discovered). It's like we knew that we would always be there for each other...not out of necessity, but because it's what we wanted to do. Because it makes us happy to make us happy. And I think that truly defines what a pure and loving relationship should be like.

 

this is a great post...

 

sometimes it takes going through a really difficult time for a married couple to really find out just how much they love each other. It's not the "fireworks" kind of feeling that is really love, but the quiet bond that withstands pretty much everything that will get you through the really tough times.

[sally4sara]

The fact is that I went out of my way to make clear that biololgy plays a large role here.

 

There you're at it again. There is nothing about biology that would require women be less liberated than men. Unless you're going to talk about the biology of gorillas where the winning combatant gorilla gets to force himself on the less sexually liberated female gorillas. And you pretend to not know why the word rape is getting used in this thread? Just what would human women being less liberated when it comes to sex mean then if not rape?

 

Again, your bias is obvious.

 

And your bias is not?!? No one else in here has suggested men be less liberated in any context. People like you are why a law about rape in marriage needed to be made.

[BetheButterfly]

I've been pushing this point in various threads and thought it deserved one of its own. Life partner and significant other may apply here as well in place of "wife". I guess the argument could be applied to any monogamous relationship.

 

It is my position that men have needs and masturbation isn't good enough.

 

Most women have sexual needs too. Masturbation is not "good enough" either for a woman.

 

While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs. Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. When she needs support or understanding, or when she really needs to hear that her new dress looks good on her, too bad. If I don't feel like it she can just manange. And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

 

I do agree that marriage is a mutual commitment. In an ideal marriage, both people give and take sexually. It is very important to talk about sex and one's expectations before getting married. When a couple does not match in sexual expectations, that makes it very difficult especially for the one with the stronger sex drive. Ideally, people with similar sex drives would marry each other. However, that doesn't always happen. I am thankful in my case that my hubby and I are very similar in sex drive and expectations!!!

 

As for what happens when the bodies of the people grow older and one's sex drive changes (and in cases of both men and women, some sex drives depart while others grow stronger) that is also a great thing to talk about before committing.

 

As for the title, I do not believe women or men are obligated to have sex regularly. However, I do believe marriage works best when the couple share similar sex drives. People change as they age. However, hopefully people who love and care and are committed to each other find ways to fulfills the needs of their loved one, not as an obligation, but because they love to make their loved one happy. Love is not an obligation. Love is a choice and is action.

[redtail]

To the OP, in a perfect world, you and your wife would have sex well into your golden years, your children would grow up and win the Pulitzer peace prize and no one you know would ever have a life threatening disease.

 

But my friend, life often interrupts our plans. Before your wife was a lover, she needed to be a friend and friends understand each other. She didn't choose to lose her sexual feelings, and if it is inevitable as your suggest, then complaining about it is about as productive as complaining about the weather.

 

As we grow older, life often stops giving and starts taking away. There is a peace and serenity in growing older with the one you love and your acceptance of what is rather than intolerence of what once was, will bring you and your wife a lot closer. Look to her for freindship, for compassion that only a life partner can bring, and the peace of mind that she accepts your failings as well as you accept hers.

[giotto]

To me it's very simple: when sex dries up - for whatever reason - and can't be fixed, men and women can:

 

1) stay and suck it up (maybe sex is not a priority for them)

 

2) divorce.

 

Generalising is never a good idea. I am of the opinion that - bar physical or medical reasons - if sex stops it's because of a major issue in the marriage.

In my marriage it's medical and fixable, but my wife won't fix it and, instead of being miserable, I've given up on it. I feel much better and just do what I want without going mad.

 

I don't think anybody should be obligated to do anything in a marriage. But marriage is a contractual agreement (although I despise this wording) of some sort, so, if the agreement is broken, then consequences are to be expected...

[giotto]

A past OP just stopped by and posted in a thread relevant to this topic and gave us a two-year update on his sexless marriage.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/234105-yet-another-sexless-marriage-rant-4.html

 

I posted it up because most of the famous LS men in sexless marriages posted in it.

 

I posted in it... am I famous? Well, I am in a sexless relationship... is once a month a sexless relationship?

 

BTW, when I said "I've given up on it" above, I meant I've given up seeking sex actively. We just have sex when my wife can be bothered...

[WalkingOnEggs]

To the OP, in a perfect world, you and your wife would have sex well into your golden years, your children would grow up and win the Pulitzer peace prize and no one you know would ever have a life threatening disease.

 

But my friend, life often interrupts our plans. Before your wife was a lover, she needed to be a friend and friends understand each other. She didn't choose to lose her sexual feelings, and if it is inevitable as your suggest, then complaining about it is about as productive as complaining about the weather.

 

As we grow older, life often stops giving and starts taking away. There is a peace and serenity in growing older with the one you love and your acceptance of what is rather than intolerence of what once was, will bring you and your wife a lot closer. Look to her for freindship, for compassion that only a life partner can bring, and the peace of mind that she accepts your failings as well as you accept hers.

 

Sounds reasonable when you're in your 70's. Not in your 30's, 40's or even 50's.

[carhill]

Heard recently from a friend who got married last year in his mid 70's after caring for his wife, who had cancer and died, for a number of years.... 'I haven't gotten laid this much in eons'. He's loving it, as apparently is his new wife of similar age. It's anecdotes like that which put a smile on my face

[darkmoon]

I knew a wife who went off sex, "I didn't want all that" she told me assertively (I know how many women will approve of her) but her assertions were even more stupid when her husband divorced her and found a girlfriend and she said angrily and self-righteously "I think they met suspiciously soon, I think they were seeing each other while we were married"

 

Men need sex; it's not a crime to have a pe*is

Edited July 18, 2012 by darkmoon

[Tulsy]

My first wife was lame in the sack, I'm sorry to say. She was the only girl I had ever been with, so I didn't really know at the time. Basically, it was very routine vanilla sex, and I had to do most of the work.

 

If I was lucky, I got head once a year, but I offered and gave her often. She hated giving it, and it showed in her lack of effort...for this reason, I have never been able to get off from it. I am very clean and well groomed, and lucky for me, so was she.

 

I would always get her off via oral or hand everytime we had sex. That always happened before intercourse, and she rarely came from vaginal. She was very tight, until we had kids, but she still wasn't very loose...we fit very well. I'm average size and girth, and again, we fit good when we did it.

 

She never wanted it more than once a week, and often only 1 every 2 weeks or even once a month. She would not want to do anything while she was on the rag, and wouldn't even "take care of my needs". She was a selfish lover.

 

Near the end of our marriage, she wanted it a bit more often, but I think it was only cause I was drawing away from her. Our sexual relationship was very unfulfilling for me, and I tried very hard for a long time to make it work. I take pride in pleasing a woman, but my EXwife did not care about my pleasure.

 

The girl I am with now is amazing. She is generous in bed, and we are mutually satisfied. I never realised how important that was, but now I wouldn't live without it. It definitely increases the passion, and makes you feel loved...and when you feel love, you give love.

 

So ya, I think both people in a marriage or relationship are equally obligated (maybe a different choice of wording) to have sex with their spouse. And shouldn't you want to please your spouse under the sheets? If not, why be with them. I'm with someone because they make me happy, and I want to make them happy in return...making love is one of the best ways to do that.

 

Sadly, this was flawed in my marriage. We had love, but I really needed more from her, and I needed to feel it, for real. I expressed it for 15yrs (even before we married), but she did not care enough.

[angie2443]

 

And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

 

I can't get past these words. My marriage is mostly good. My husband and I have had our ups and downs (4 kids is a lot of stress!). Never, Never, have I thought of cleaning up after myself as a gift I give to someone when they meet my "needs". Adults clean up after themselves. Good parents teach their children to clean up after themselves. An attitude I see in certain men, many of them from older generations, is that once they're married, their new wife is now to be their domestic servent. I promise you, once you treat your partner like they are your cleaning service, the love they have for you will die bit by bit. How can you feel any kind of warmth, how can you feel any kind of comradery with someone who treats you as an object that is there to serve them. The whole thing is just sad.

[Tulsy]

I can't get past these words. My marriage is mostly good. My husband and I have had our ups and downs (4 kids is a lot of stress!). Never, Never, have I thought of cleaning up after myself as a gift I give to someone when they meet my "needs". Adults clean up after themselves. Good parents teach their children to clean up after themselves. An attitude I see in certain men, many of them from older generations, is that once they're married, their new wife is now to be their domestic servent. I promise you, once you treat your partner like they are your cleaning service, the love they have for you will die bit by bit. How can you feel any kind of warmth, how can you feel any kind of comradery with someone who treats you as an object that is there to serve them. The whole thing is just sad.

 

I couldn't agree more. If you get up to take your dishes, take hers too....if she gets up to take her dishes, she should take yours too...not cause you have too, because you want to, and you are going there anyways. My mom was my dads servant, and I hated that...her daughters do the same now, and it makes me sick. I don't want a woman to clean up after me, just to help me out, and someone I can help out too.

 

It's when a man or woman allows those sweet gestures to happen every day with ever reciprocating, that's when you start to loose respect for each other. Should work together as much as possible in a relationship.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I've been pushing this point in various threads and thought it deserved one of its own. Life partner and significant other may apply here as well in place of "wife". I guess the argument could be applied to any monogamous relationship.

 

It is my position that men have needs and masturbation isn't good enough. While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs. Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. When she needs support or understanding, or when she really needs to hear that her new dress looks good on her, too bad. If I don't feel like it she can just manange. And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

 

 

You're trying to create a point where you have none.

 

In reality you are merely asking the old "chicken or egg" question before then insisting that the evidence shows that you come first. It is precisely this sort of one-sided thinking which puts marriages in peril for just these reasons.

[KungFuJoe]

DuckSoup,

 

You obviously have a lot to say in this matter I assume you have also been in a relationship that was sexless.

 

I have gone through that myself (though not in marriage) so I know how it feels. But while I can sympathize with you, I must point out that the problem with this entire discussion is that it is much deeper than just "sex". Its about partnership. And when I constantly hear you say "her responsibility" instead of "their responsibility" I can only surmise that your bitterness is clouding your judgement and making you think in "extremes".

 

Basically what I'm saying is...if you are in a sexless marriage (or any relationship) the problem is not the lack of sex. And the only way to fix it is to get to the root of the problem (whatever that may be). But if all you do is focus on the sex you'll never open your eyes enough to see the big picture.

[Robert Z]

DuckSoup,

 

You obviously have a lot to say in this matter I assume you have also been in a relationship that was sexless.

 

I have gone through that myself (though not in marriage) so I know how it feels. But while I can sympathize with you, I must point out that the problem with this entire discussion is that it is much deeper than just "sex". Its about partnership. And when I constantly hear you say "her responsibility" instead of "their responsibility" I can only surmise that your bitterness is clouding your judgement and making you think in "extremes".

 

Basically what I'm saying is...if you are in a sexless marriage (or any relationship) the problem is not the lack of sex. And the only way to fix it is to get to the root of the problem (whatever that may be). But if all you do is focus on the sex you'll never open your eyes enough to see the big picture.

 

You are the one who fails to see the big picture. Hormones ruin marriages. And there is often little or nothing the man can do about it. Even worse, even with the best medical care, hormone imbalances and other female problems can extend from the 20s, or 30s, and generally from about age 40, on through the rest of your life with little to no resolution. And there will be NOTHING that you can do about it. Until you understand this you haven't even begun.

[KungFuJoe]

You are the one who fails to see the big picture. Hormones ruin marriages. And there is often little or nothing the man can do about it. Even worse, even with the best medical care, hormone imbalances and other female problems can extend from the 20s, or 30s, and generally from about age 40, on through the rest of your life with little to no resolution. And there will be NOTHING that you can do about it. Until you understand this you haven't even begun.

 

*I* don't see the big picture? I'm trying not to laugh here...and the funny part is that I actually agree with you in some way, although your approach ****ing sucks and you reek of bitterness, which you've already admitted to having.

 

This is what I mean about big picture. You're sitting here obsessed about a very specific scenario (loss of sex drive due to hormonal issues) when something like that should be LEAST of your worries.

 

What exactly are you looking for here? You had ONE bad experience (or maybe more, I don't know) and now you are obsessed with ensuring it doesn't happen again. I GET IT. But, the reason why your relationship failed was NOT because of sex. This was not an example of "everything is perfect except we don't have sex". It never is, though people tend to focus on what is in front of their nose and not step back and truly see what the issue is.

 

If you and your partner have a truly loving, caring, understanding, equal relationship, then you find a way to work it out. Whatever it is...as long as the trust isn't broken...you find a way to work it out.

 

But, to satisfy your specific scenario...in a "healthy" relationship, if one of you loses your sex drive to where sex is not enjoyable for yourself, you still have sex because there is a strong part of you that simply enjoys making the other person happy.

 

And I've had it BOTH ways. I've had the LTR (4 years) where the sex went from crazy to non existent and the relationship crashed. And I've had the LTR (10 year marriage) where the sex dwindled after 3 kids and a hectic daily life...and we came out stronger and hornier than ever and it's where I am today. And in BOTH scenarios, sex was NEVER the problem (or the solution). It was the relationship itself and the foundation it stood on.

[frozensprouts]

I have noticed something ironic in a few posts on here...

 

it seems some posters feel that women should be responsible for their own desire for sex, and also for "fixing the problem" should there be one...the husband shouldn't have any responsibility in this at all

 

if this is flipped around, one could take the stance that men should be the same way...if they don't get turned on because their wife is overweight, if she doesn't dress nicely, of she nags all the time, then too bad. It's up to the man to get turned on and perform for his wife...she should have no responsibility at all...he should be ready to go at the drop of a hat, and if he doesn't find her attractive, or if she's mean to him and he doesn't want to have sex but she does, too bad. If he is impotent or has erectile dysfunction, forget about his wife being understanding about it, he'd better cart his arse on over to te nearest doctor ASAP for treatment. who cares if the treatment might make him ill, as long as the wife is getting sex,then all is well.

 

isn't that kind of silly?

 

I really find these arguments that have been posted on here very degrading to men...most men don't seem to be like that...they love their wives and want to express that love through a physical act, and they want her to feel loved and happy too. It's not "obligation' or any of that. Most husband's would be there for their wives if they had a health problem...they be supportive. I think the few overly aggressive posts on here seem to be putting men ina very bad light.

 

After all, most men seem to recognize that BOTH spouses are equally responsible for the marriage and all it's aspects...

 

If you had a bad experience with your wife, i am sorry...she should not have treated you tat way. But a lot of women have had equally bad experiences with their husbands...maybe this colors things a bit?

[WalkingOnEggs]

I have to agree. I'm not to comfortable with the idea that it's an "obligation" to have sex with the husband. I think it should really be more of an expectation. I think it's reasonable for a husband to expect that his marriage is going to include regular sex at least in the general frequency that existed before the marriage. I think that's the expectation on both sides going into most marriages.

 

There is an expectation that he will not cheat. That becomes a less reasonable expectation if he's prepectually in a state of sexual frustration.

 

It's a case of unmet expectations. People can have all sorts of those. Some might be reasonable some might not. The husband expecting that his wife will have sex with his is perfectly reasonable. Not meeting that one deserves a clear explanation on her part. And "I just don't feel like it" is not one of them. If he's not meeting some expectation of hers and this is somehow related, then she needs to make that clear.

 

Other than that, I just don't see how anyone can ask a husband with a healthy libido to go without sex for weeks at a time. Ridiculous.

 

 

 

I have noticed something ironic in a few posts on here...

 

it seems some posters feel that women should be responsible for their own desire for sex, and also for "fixing the problem" should there be one...the husband shouldn't have any responsibility in this at all

 

if this is flipped around, one could take the stance that men should be the same way...if they don't get turned on because their wife is overweight, if she doesn't dress nicely, of she nags all the time, then too bad. It's up to the man to get turned on and perform for his wife...she should have no responsibility at all...he should be ready to go at the drop of a hat, and if he doesn't find her attractive, or if she's mean to him and he doesn't want to have sex but she does, too bad. If he is impotent or has erectile dysfunction, forget about his wife being understanding about it, he'd better cart his arse on over to te nearest doctor ASAP for treatment. who cares if the treatment might make him ill, as long as the wife is getting sex,then all is well.

 

isn't that kind of silly?

 

I really find these arguments that have been posted on here very degrading to men...most men don't seem to be like that...they love their wives and want to express that love through a physical act, and they want her to feel loved and happy too. It's not "obligation' or any of that. Most husband's would be there for their wives if they had a health problem...they be supportive. I think the few overly aggressive posts on here seem to be putting men ina very bad light.

 

After all, most men seem to recognize that BOTH spouses are equally responsible for the marriage and all it's aspects...

 

If you had a bad experience with your wife, i am sorry...she should not have treated you tat way. But a lot of women have had equally bad experiences with their husbands...maybe this colors things a bit?

[Mme. Chaucer]

You are the one who fails to see the big picture. Hormones ruin marriages.

 

What do you have to say about male hormones (or lack thereof) and their effect on marriages? As I have posted before in this thread, I know several women who are very unfulfilled sexually in their marriages. Their husbands have ED, which is common in older fellows such as yourself, and they won't go to a doctor about it.

 

When it comes to female hormones ruining marriages - well, that's what you get when you marry a woman. Female hormones. You better never do that again.

[2sunny]

Wow, a public flogging!!!

 

I think you are all missing the point, presumably because you are too young to understand the problem. Though many women who are old enough to get it probably don't want to hear it because their position is inherently selfish.

 

Women lose the desire for sex. This has nothing to do the soundness of the relationship. It is a simple matter of biology. But then comes the attitude that once she's done, he's done.

 

Okay, so let me understand the consensus here. Sex only lasts in a relationship as long as a woman feels like. After that, if the husband doesn't like it, he can leave, right?

 

Do you have any idea how many middle-aged women would be abandoned if all men took this attitude? Do you realize that most women lose interest? What you are effectively telling me is that marriage should be abandoned as an institution. That, or men should just cheat on their wives as a regular practice.

 

You have all the wrong assumptions about this middle aged woman.

 

You couldn't be more wrong in all the areas that you are using that broad brush stroke for.

 

Your attitude is offensive - especially with your word "obligation". Any time a wife/husband is in a position of "obligation" it completely kills the love that might have been there.

 

We don't always lose interest. In my 23 years with my then husband - we still had great sex everyday - sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. So stop making such assumptions.

 

It's like anything - if you aren't honoring and respecting the situation - it will go away. Check your perspective and attitude about your view of women. It lacks substance on a higher level.

 

FWIW - I avoid men like you who tend to show a negative view of women.

[SoMovinOn]

So if you want the goal of a happy marriage you do your best to have a pleasant sex life with your spouse, you don't withhold it because it's an obligation. You recognize your obligation and your responsibility to fulfill it.

 

Not enjoying it is a problem that's all in your own head. Not the fact that it happens to be an obligation.

 

If that works for you and your spouse, have at it.

 

Not happening in my life. Not having sex with someone either because I or she feel's we're obligated to do so. That's not love. It's not even good sex. It's just jerking off using someone else's body.