Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

[giotto]

If a husband/wife does this, then perhaps their souse can take some comfort in knowing that they really are trying to make things better.

 

Funny you mention this. My wife has been on ADs for years and has no sex drive. Nothing (and she was on the pill before that!). When I mention changing them to see if things can be improved, she says that they work for her and doesn't want to risk it. Well, on one hand, I'm pissed off, on the other I try and put myself in her shoes. Would I risk it? Mmmm, probably. Also, her condition could be improved with therapy, but she does nothing about it, even after promising several times. Am I entitled to be at least annoyed? But I can't get angry, because it would make it even worse, as I said before (or maybe in another thread). Well, I feel rather disheartened.

[KungFuJoe]

RobertZ,

 

I don't know where you get this impression that I'm young. Thanks, I guess. I do feel young and I probably look 25 (damn asian genes!).

 

But, alas, I'm a very old 38 years old, happily married to a 36 year old (10 year anniversary is next month) and we have MORE and BETTER sex now than we did when we first were together and we were doing in multiple times on the daily. Our "honeymoon" phase never ended. We're both horny as hell and ridiculously attracted to each other. We stay in good shape and we still go out to clubs, get drunk, and then come home and **** each other's brains out. We also have 3 kids...my wife owns her own company which she runs out of the house and I have a job where I work from home maybe 15-20 hours a week. We are together 24/7 and we can't get enough of each other. We have sex every night (usually more than once) once the kids are in bed and we still try to slip away during the day for "quickies" which I expect will get harder to do once the kids get a bit older and don't buy it when I say I have to take a phone call in the bedroom and mommy has to "help" me.

 

Will it last forever? We hope it does, but we're both realists and we know that sex drives can and will dwindle and we're not going to be this horny forever (though I know some couples that rekindled their sex drives after their kids went off to college). I even took the time to discuss THIS very topic with my wife earlier today because the topic does fascinate me in a way. And we both agreed that if one of us stopped having the desire to have sex for ourself we would still have sex for "each other" and would still get pleasure from it.

 

Maybe we're just lucky...I dunno. But I like to think that there are other couples like us out there. It would be a SAD world if there weren't.

[123321]

IMO if a person isn't willing to live up to the express and implied terms of a marriage contract they should be willing to pack it in and walk away on request, without raping the other persons life or bank account.

 

Not much odds women will embrace this idea though.

[princess_e]

Ducksoup: You are quite the hypocrite. You say kungfujoes comment about you being a victim of a sexless marriage was a way to insult you, (It wasnt even that bad) YET WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You mock his story as being fake with no evidence, (do you spy on him and his wife, are you his stalker?) and "real people get tired" is not a sufficient explanation to prove his claims on his sex life cannot be true. You twist his words by making him look like a little b*tch to women ... "for men like Kung Fu Joe--men who will agree with whatever the woman's opinion because they think that's the only way they will get sex. Or simply because it's easier to just agree with you rather than bother arguing" He never said this, meant this or even implied any of it. The whole time he spoke about respect for his wife, being considerate, and being realistic etc. Your attack on his character, story and opinions to make him look stupid actually make YOU look like the stupid ignorant one!

 

Yes, we get it, we all get it... your opinion on the matter is that sex is indeed an absolute obligation in a relationship. Good for you, but how can you claim that this is the universal truth that applies for every human being. Every relationship is different, every man and woman has their own views and opinions. If you have sexual obligations as a neccesity for the relationships in your life, there is nothing wrong with that. But neither is anything wrong with those people who do not feel their spouses have obligations to have sex with them. To each their own.

 

Yes sex is an important part of a healthy relationship (no argument there), but it does not determine the quality or survival of a marriage. There are happy, healthy and long term couples out there that have sexless relationships (for variety of reasons). Perhaps other aspects in the relationship are strong enough to compensate the lack of sex, perhaps they do not view sex as being the critical make or break component of their relationship, perhaps they understand changes, or for whatever other reasons - they can still be happy and in love. Until you travel around the world and find every couple that has a sexless but happy+healthy marriage and somehow prove that each and every case is a wild crazy exception- you have absolutely no evidence to back up your absurd claims about sex being a necessity for a relationship to function.

 

Your random comparisons of peoples obligation to "floss their teeth" "take out the garbage" and "pay the mortgage" are completely irrelevant to why women should be obligated to have sex with husbands. With your mortage, you have a legal obligation to follow through, you signed the papers that explicitly state you acknowledge what your requirements are. When you get married, and sign the papers or say your vows, do you explicitly make promises to have sex regularly with your partner till the day you die? Maybe some couples find it important to discuss the topic of sex and establish such expectations from each other but thats something between them personally. NOT A RULE. Flossing your teeth.. taking out the garbage... neither of those are even neccessarily obligations either. If you do not do them you get a smelly house and not-so-healthy-teeth. Some people can live with that and its their choice on whether they mind the consequences or not. The consequences in those cases are inevitable and similiar for most ppl, but the consequences to a sexless marriage always varies. (depending on the couple, situation, reasoning behind it etc ) "if you dont have sex with your husband you face the consequence of a failed marriage and the man running away screaming" is farfetched. Where is your evidence, did you do a meta analysis on this topic, what were the data results? What are you basing your claims on... Your own opinions, your friends that agree with you, others that agree with you? That is not applicable to every man out there. Its crazy how you think you can speak on behalf of all men and what their expectations of their wives would and should be.

 

Also, when a women goes through menopause it can often be a unpleasant experience. Other than the loss of sex drive, some women can get a little depressed coming to the realization that they are getting old and unable to reproduce. Some women get moody, annoyed, confused, and feel like they are in a bad state overall. I dont think a person facing their own emotional and bodily disturbances would find their husbands sexual needs to be a high priority. On top of that, women may feel that the side effects and risks of HT are just not worth having a sex life for. Are these not important considerations as well or do you really beleive it is all about the man and his needs? Maybe more men get treatment for their sexual functioning issues than women, but their reasons for choosing to pursue or not to pursue help may be different. Men who have ED do not neccessarily lose their sex drive, just their ability to get it up. So it is unfair to say men make more of an effort or care to satisfy their wives even when they are faced with sexual functioning problems because they naturally would be more motivated to get help if their sex drive is still present.

 

"In a relationship which is established with the mutual expectation that sex will be a significant part of it--virtually every marriage between physically and psychologically healthy adults includes this expectation--it absolutely is an obligation. " Again, you do not represent all of human kind and their opinions and values of marriage and sex. Who said it was a mutual expectation? As a matter a fact I think realistic people will have the expectation that marriages, like all relationships, will always be undergoing changes, some good some bad, and to anticipate certain bumps down the road, but thats just my opinion. Basically all Im trying to say is that you most definetly have a right to have your opinion on this matter, but your attempts to force that as the ultimate truth is pretty ridiculous, will never become the truth, and just a waste of time. Relationships and sex is a huuuge topic, try to be a little open minded and not percieve it with a black and white mindset.

[standtall]

in real life.

 

On the contrary, it's the nice guys who are most likely to get deprived of marital sex. "Abrasive" guys get what they want. Or they leave.

 

 

 

 

Duck, that is 100%true.

 

Also, a lot of the male posters here are the beta guys to domineering women because most alpha guys don't give a s*** enough to post to or read forums like this.

[Robert Z]

RobertZ,

 

I don't know where you get this impression that I'm young. Thanks, I guess. I do feel young and I probably look 25 (damn asian genes!).

 

But, alas, I'm a very old 38 years old, happily married to a 36 year old (10 year anniversary is next month) and we have MORE and BETTER sex now than we did when we first were together and we were doing in multiple times on the daily. Our "honeymoon" phase never ended. We're both horny as hell and ridiculously attracted to each other. We stay in good shape and we still go out to clubs, get drunk, and then come home and **** each other's brains out. We also have 3 kids...my wife owns her own company which she runs out of the house and I have a job where I work from home maybe 15-20 hours a week. We are together 24/7 and we can't get enough of each other. We have sex every night (usually more than once) once the kids are in bed and we still try to slip away during the day for "quickies" which I expect will get harder to do once the kids get a bit older and don't buy it when I say I have to take a phone call in the bedroom and mommy has to "help" me.

 

Will it last forever? We hope it does, but we're both realists and we know that sex drives can and will dwindle and we're not going to be this horny forever (though I know some couples that rekindled their sex drives after their kids went off to college). I even took the time to discuss THIS very topic with my wife earlier today because the topic does fascinate me in a way. And we both agreed that if one of us stopped having the desire to have sex for ourself we would still have sex for "each other" and would still get pleasure from it.

 

Maybe we're just lucky...I dunno. But I like to think that there are other couples like us out there. It would be a SAD world if there weren't.

 

Yes I saw in another thread that you are older than I thought. But 10 years is still a fairly young marriage. The reason I thought you were younger is that I thought you were disputing that many woman just lose their sex drive. I have seen it so many times now that it isn't even up for discussion. It doesn't happen to everyone but it is common. That is the only real issue for me here.

 

I envy you and your wife and sincerly hope it lasts your entire lives. And that you were discussing it is most rewarding to me. Even though I am still bitter, and I know that shows, my real motivation here is to bring this topic out in the open. Men have suffered and been victimized long enough. They are trapped between their sense of duty and obligation, and sexual drives that are beyond their power to control. They might be able to suppress those desires, but I can tell you, that comes with a terribly high price. For me, the price was the will to live.

[Robert Z]

Part II: My wife made every excuse in the book to avoid sex. She wanted the love and security, compansionship, and financial advantages of our relationship, but only after many years did I realize that my needs really didn't matter. She took advantage of my love and trust and used it against me for her own selfishness. So when women deny the problem, make excuses, blame the man, defend women they don't even know, and worst of all, suggest that he needs to be more attentive to her needs! and on and on and on, what I hear are excuses and lies. In the end my wife's problems were part medical and part due to age. But she chose to lie about it. And she refused to offer any alternatives. The abuse, the lies, the manipulation, and the selfishness are what made me bitter. And it was only possible because I truly loved her.

 

So the lesson I walk away with is that love means obligation. If you don't want to meet that obligation, if your heart really isn't in it, fine, don't force yourself, but be honest and end the marriage or allow him to seek satisfaction elsewhere. You DO have that obligation if you love your husband. And it you don't love him, don't expect loyalty.

Edited July 21, 2012 by Robert Z

[princess_e]

Oh my god what a horrible horrible prospect. LOL.

 

 

Why is that horrible? Your were equivocating mortgage obligations with sexual obligations yet their properties are clearly not the same. If you want to make them the same (for yourself only, not everyone else), the only thing you can do is personally customize your marriage contract, and state aloud in your vows your unconditional sexual obligations towards your wife for life. Hopefully she will always continue her grooming, cleanliness, keep up her appearances, maintain her weight etc LOL You may wanna mention that in your contract as well

[princess_e]

Part II: My wife made every excuse in the book to avoid sex. She wanted the love and security, compansionship, and financial advantages of our relationship, but only after many years did I realize that my needs really didn't matter. She took advantage of my love and trust and used it against me for her own selfishness. So when women deny the problem, make excuses, blame the man, defend women they don't even know, and worst of all, suggest that he needs to be more attentive to her needs! and on and on and on, what I hear are excuses and lies. In the end my wife's problems were part medical and part due to age. But she chose to lie about it. And she refused to offer any alternatives. The abuse, the lies, the manipulation, and the selfishness are what made me bitter. And it was only possible because I truly loved her.

.

 

Im sorry to hear about your situation. The relationship was not a mutual give-and-take but her taking more than she could ever give. I truly empathize with what she put you through and wish you luck in your recovery. Find someone who will love you out of love, not obligation. Your wife (or ex wife) doesnt deserve you one bit and you seem to be aware of that. Best of luck!

[Badsingularity]

How can women be blamed if they don't want to sleep with someone that they feel zero attraction to? If the attraction is not their everything in her body is telling her not to do it.

 

Women have natural programming that tells them subconciously to only have sex with strong confident men. It also tells them to not have sex with men who are pushovers, with men who do not stand up for themselves, with men that they have no respect for, or with men who can not control themselves. It is not their fault.

 

The good news is that every man can develope the traits and behaviours that turn women on. The problem is that most men don't know how to do it or even that the lack of these traits are what is causing the lack of attraction from their women, so they don't know what to do. Furthering the problem is the fact that the women that are no longer attracted to their husbands don't know what the problem is in some cases either. They don't understand why they can be attracted to one man, but not their husband. Even though he has nothing seriously wrong with the way he looks.

 

It can take a man years of working hard on himself to turn the situation around, but it can be done.

[Badsingularity]

I am interested in where you read this. Can you provide me with the info...thanks.

 

I didn't read it anywhere.

 

It is evidenced by my own experiences with becoming a man, in nearly every relationship between men and women on the planet, years of studying womens and mens behaviour and seeing the actions and reactions in response to certain behaviours, being able to guess or predict the sexual relationship between a couple by observing the mans behavioural traits in the relationship very accurately, having at one point in time myself lacked the traits of strength and confidence and the lack of any female attraction to go with it to learning, observing, studying, women and what they responded to on a subconcious level, developing the traits that they respond to myself and experiencing the surge of female attraction towards me that came with it, womens own mouths that figured it out for themselves, my very happy and sex filled relationship with my wife and discussions with her and other women on the topic.

 

I should probably right a book about all the things I have figured out so that other people could read it.

Edited July 21, 2012 by Badsingularity

[Robert Z]

How can women be blamed if they don't want to sleep with someone that they feel zero attraction to? If the attraction is not their everything in her body is telling her not to do it.

 

Women have natural programming that tells them subconciously to only have sex with strong confident men. It also tells them to not have sex with men who are pushovers, with men who do not stand up for themselves, with men that they have no respect for, or with men who can not control themselves. It is not their fault.

 

The good news is that every man can develope the traits and behaviours that turn women on. The problem is that most men don't know how to do it or even that the lack of these traits are what is causing the lack of attraction from their women, so they don't know what to do. Furthering the problem is the fact that the women that are no longer attracted to their husbands don't know what the problem is in some cases either. They don't understand why they can be attracted to one man, but not their husband. Even though he has nothing seriously wrong with the way he looks.

 

It can take a man years of working hard on himself to turn the situation around, but it can be done.

 

Oh lord.

[Robert Z]

Find someone who will love you out of love, not obligation.

 

Thanks but no thanks. Apparently love is just something people do while they feel like it. After that it means nothing. Nope, after reading the responses in this thread especially, my feeling is that I'll just stick with the prostitutes. At least they're honest about what they want.

 

Heck even they feel an obligation to show up on time, but that's probably too much to ask of wife as well... all of that obligation you know, it's just too much to ask. I wouldn't want to put anyone out.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

Tell me this. Why would should a person put their heart into something that can blow away like dust in the first breeze that comes along? I swear, you people are truly convincing me that love is a complete joke... that it is completely meaningless. As soon as the warm and tinglies end, it's all the other person's responsibility to make you feel all warm and fuzzy again.

 

I thought I was largely jaded due to a bad marriage, but now I'm beginning to think I am seeing things all too clearly.

[123321]

In the common case, people who get married make certain implied and explicit promises. They promise to only have sexual relations with the other, to help each other out in hard times and to try and make the good times more enjoyable, and so on.

 

One of the implied promises that goes with "cleave only unto <pronoun>" is the promise there will be some fairly regular cleaving going on. Now why cutting that off isn't a good reason for a divorce but going outside the marriage is, seems to be one of life's little mysteries because I don't see much difference.

[Badsingularity]

Oh lord.

 

 

lol

 

Cool. Continue to have your problems.

 

I don't have them.

[dreamingoftigers]

IMO if a person isn't willing to live up to the express and implied terms of a marriage contract they should be willing to pack it in and walk away on request, without raping the other persons life or bank account.

 

Not much odds women will embrace this idea though.

 

I've been on the other side of this.

 

I like that idea just fine.

[dreamingoftigers]

How can women be blamed if they don't want to sleep with someone that they feel zero attraction to? If the attraction is not their everything in her body is telling her not to do it.

 

Women have natural programming that tells them subconciously to only have sex with strong confident men. It also tells them to not have sex with men who are pushovers, with men who do not stand up for themselves, with men that they have no respect for, or with men who can not control themselves. It is not their fault.

 

The good news is that every man can develope the traits and behaviours that turn women on. The problem is that most men don't know how to do it or even that the lack of these traits are what is causing the lack of attraction from their women, so they don't know what to do. Furthering the problem is the fact that the women that are no longer attracted to their husbands don't

know what the problem is in some cases either. They don't understand why they can be attracted to one man, but not their husband. Even though he has nothing seriously wrong with the way he looks.

 

It can take a man years of working hard on himself to turn the situation around, but it can be done.

 

I fully agree with this.

 

My husband's addiction issues (see "man who cannot control himself") have caused him to become VERY unattractive to me.

 

I haven't denied him anything, but I resent him A LOT.

 

I find I still can take limited pleasure from sex, but I don't have much of a drive to do it anymore. Except maybe some obligation. But that's about it. He isn't much interested either.

[Got it]

People are attracted to confidence, both men and women. Whining and moaning for 20 pages and playing the victim is not attractive. If that is your personality in real life, could be a reason why she wasn't attracted to you. If you aren't happy, divorce. If sex is that important to you then what is the big deal? Throw down the gauntlet and stand up for what is important to you, your wife interested in sex with you. Put your money where your mouth is.

 

When women are attracted to a man they get turned on. Sometimes the spouse just stops being attractive. Kind of hard to fake it when the thought of having sex with him is a distance second to cleaning the toilet. It doesn't start that way but over time it can happen.

[Richard Friedman]

The OP makes a perfectly valid point, we continuously hear women talk about "getting their needs met" yet if a man 'needs' sex it's somehow turned into an obligation. Why then should a man be nothing more than an emotional tampon or pack mule for her needs?

 

IMO if you don't see that marriage contains obligations then don't get married. Stay single and free from other's expectations.

 

Precisely. How can you woman say on the the one hand that a man has an obligation to be faithful, but on the other hand he has to go without a fundamental need being met. I put the wife who ignores her husband's sexual needs up with the family man who gambles away his whole salary. neither is ding his/her duty to the uni and neither is fit to be married. I've gota friend in this exact situation. Ideally he'd divorce but in the real world where a man loses what he's earned, can't see his children etc. thats not practical. He copes by setting aside a few hundred each week and treating himself to an escort. Maybe other guys in the position should do the same?

[Richard Friedman]

Tell me this. Why would should a person put their heart into something that can blow away like dust in the first breeze that comes along? I swear, you people are truly convincing me that love is a complete joke... that it is completely meaningless. As soon as the warm and tinglies end, it's all the other person's responsibility to make you feel all warm and fuzzy again.

 

I thought I was largely jaded due to a bad marriage, but now I'm beginning to think I am seeing things all too clearly.

 

 

LOL. Welcome to reality buddy. Marriage only works where there is a concept of individual duty to parents, wife, kids, community. You also need a willingness to draw the line line and call out some things as wrong/ disgusting. A sense of shame if you will. Our western societies are more concerned about righting past injustices and not offending certain groups. Talk about women having any kind of duties and you'll get a bunch of harpies screeching than you want all women barefoot and pregnant... No wonder divorce rates are so high. I mean what is love any way? It's not magic. It's a rush of chemicals which lasts long wnough for a guy to knock a woman up and provide for them when they're defenseless. If you're gonna bae your family structure off a disney fairytale then it's no surprise you're gonna have problems.

 

 

here's what I'm talking about. I was at a work party recently, and the conversation came around around to a colleague who was leaving her husband for another another guy. Most of the women were talkingg the usual sympathetic claptrap. "it's so sad it didn't work out. He was nice guy, but a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do what she needs to make her self happy. No point staying in the marriage when feelings have died. " The only lady who went against the grain was this indian lady(mind you very educated, and director at a fortune five hundred). She probably had a few too many drinks to be tactful and asked the other women something like, If we let ourselves be controlled by lust then how are we different from animals. She chose to have kids.. How can she break up their family? What kind of mother is she?" The other ladies were stunned and then then teamed up to squash her. The bottom line is it's two different cultural paradigms. Marriage is only compatible to the duty-based one, which I'd say even the U.S. followed until a couple decades back.

[123321]

She probably had a few too many drinks to be tactful and asked the other women something like, If we let ourselves be controlled by lust then how are we different from animals. She chose to have kids.. How can she break up their family? What kind of mother is she?" The other ladies were stunned and then then teamed up to squash her. The bottom line is it's two different cultural paradigms. Marriage is only compatible to the duty-based one, which I'd say even the U.S. followed until a couple decades back.

 

This is why I'll marry a foreigner or corrupt an Amish babe or something if I ever get married again.

[123321]

I've been on the other side of this.

 

I like that idea just fine.

 

The day women vote en masse to repeal or change family law to make divorce a non-fiscally destructive event for men is the day horses sprout wings out their ass and fly.

[Forever Silent]

I've been pushing this point in various threads and thought it deserved one of its own. Life partner and significant other may apply here as well in place of "wife". I guess the argument could be applied to any monogamous relationship.

 

It is my position that men have needs and masturbation isn't good enough. While a woman isn't obligated to have sex as a function only of being a wife, I think she does have that obligation as a function of loving her husband and recognizing his needs. Many women seem to feel, especially as they get older, or sometimes after having a child, that men can just do for themselves. If women don't feel like having sex, or if they have lost their drive, which is extremely common, too bad for Johnny.

 

To me, this is like saying a woman can just do for herself when it comes to her emotional needs. When she needs support or understanding, or when she really needs to hear that her new dress looks good on her, too bad. If I don't feel like it she can just manange. And when it comes to those thousand little things that husbands are supposed to remember, put down the lid, don't leave dishes in the sink, put the these towels here and those towels there... and on and on and on, tough. She can just deal with it. How is this any different?

 

 

Simply put the answer to are wives obligated to have sex regularly......................... In 1812 hell yes, in 2012 hell no.

 

Sexuality is something that should be dicussed constantly before and during marriage, especially as age becomes a factor. There should never be a de facto or implied law that states sex should be on a regular basis. A woman and man should understand each others sexuality in order to develop a mutual trust concerning sexual responsiveness.

 

Besides the whole logic of are women obligated to have sex with husbands regular implies that a woman has been devauled as a person upon entering a marriage. Would you place this standard on a woman before she entered a marriage?

[Els]

The day women vote en masse to repeal or change family law to make divorce a non-fiscally destructive event for men is the day horses sprout wings out their ass and fly.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, since I don't live in the USA, but apparently the fiscal disadvantages of divorce are biased in quite an egalitarian manner against the person who earns more, regardless of gender? Plenty of stories in the news about rich female celebrities paying spousal support.

 

I do think you guys have a pretty borked law that allows this to happen, but I don't think it's biased against men, just against those with successful careers.