Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?

[carhill]

OP, I know you've moved on but perhaps, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation again, try a different method of interaction:

 

"I feel abandoned sexually"

 

Listen. The content of the response is important. You've just shared feelings. Women constantly complain to me about their partners never sharing feelings. OK, listen to that. Share. Be vulnerable. Then.....

 

Act in your own best interest. Listen to the sentiments here about obligation. Learn from them. It's all good information.

 

I went back and read the entirety of JamesM's thread, which I linked to in this one. There's so much good information in that thread for any married person in that position. He's made a choice that most men (and apparently women too) here would not make. You have choices, just like he did/does.

 

Rather than asking 'Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?', instead ask 'Am I obligated to remain with a wife who abandons me sexually?' Put it on yourself.

[giotto]

I did that and my wife told me we weren't sexually compatible and that she would understand if I wanted a divorce. Which I didn't. She'd won (again).

 

So, basically, if I want to stay here and enjoy my children fully, I'll have to be in a sexless marriage. Oh, well. I suppose there are worst things in the world? Are there?

 

 

OP, I know you've moved on but perhaps, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation again, try a different method of interaction:

 

"I feel abandoned sexually"

 

Listen. The content of the response is important. You've just shared feelings. Women constantly complain to me about their partners never sharing feelings. OK, listen to that. Share. Be vulnerable. Then.....

 

Act in your own best interest. Listen to the sentiments here about obligation. Learn from them. It's all good information.

 

I went back and read the entirety of JamesM's thread, which I linked to in this one. There's so much good information in that thread for any married person in that position. He's made a choice that most men (and apparently women too) here would not make. You have choices, just like he did/does.

 

Rather than asking 'Is a wife obligated to have sex regularly?', instead ask 'Am I obligated to remain with a wife who abandons me sexually?' Put it on yourself.

[carhill]

So, that choice is on you. You accepted the parameters and consequences of your choice when making it. The same applies to a spouse who chooses to discontinue sexual relations with their spouse. All parameters and consequences of that choice apply.

 

You could have chosen to divorce and aggressively and legally assert your parental rights. That choice would have parameters and consequences too. Many spouses make that choice. Witness the history of women who divorce and retain custody. It's great information

[Woggle]

I wouldn't say obligated but if she constantly turns you down there is something seriously wrong with the marriage. A man should not be forced to live like a monk because she decided she no longer has sex with him. I know if my wife stopped wanting sex and it want on for too long I might have to end the marriage.

[giotto]

So, that choice is on you. You accepted the parameters and consequences of your choice when making it. The same applies to a spouse who chooses to discontinue sexual relations with their spouse. All parameters and consequences of that choice apply.

 

You could have chosen to divorce and aggressively and legally assert your parental rights. That choice would have parameters and consequences too. Many spouses make that choice. Witness the history of women who divorce and retain custody. It's great information

 

yep... I made my choice. Not complaining about it. It was up to me. I chose my kids over a fulfilling sex life. Not saying I'm happy, but I made that choice. Possibly the less painful. Maybe like JamesM's...

[KathyM]

I did that and my wife told me we weren't sexually compatible and that she would understand if I wanted a divorce. Which I didn't. She'd won (again).

 

So, basically, if I want to stay here and enjoy my children fully, I'll have to be in a sexless marriage. Oh, well. I suppose there are worst things in the world? Are there?

I don't think you should be accepting this from your wife. She has basically said that this is the way it is, take it or leave it. You are giving her too much power in this relationship. You need to tell her that sex is an important act of love that is necessary in a marriage, and you both need to work out an arrangement that is acceptable to both of you. Don't give up on this. You need to discuss this and come to a mutually agreeable compromise. Get the help of a marriage counselor if need be, but don't just accept this, or it will eat away at your feelings for your wife and for your marriage. It already has. You have to be more assertive in initiating a discussion about this. If she has no sex drive, then she needs to see a doctor about this. I can't remember if you were the guy who said your wife did see a doctor, but the medication had side effects that your wife wasn't willing to deal with. You can't accept that for an answer. You have to make it clear to your wife that if she doesn't want to deal with the side effects to improve her libido, then you are going to need her to submit even if she isn't feeling interested in sex, because you do have desires that need to be met by your wife, and you are not willing to forego that any longer. I don't think you should let this go.

[Got it]

Kathy - so are you saying he should rape her???

 

Even in a marriage one can throw down the gauntlet and decide to do something that the other party is completely opposed to, not having sex with them, cheat on them, gamble on the money, etc.

 

You can not MAKE someone do something if what they are doing is legal. You have recourses you can take, you can bring it up, you can bring up solutions, etc. but that is not saying the other party is going to comply.

 

What everyone has available in a marriage is to either completely disconnect and live separately emotional and possibly physically and they can divorce.

 

We cannot control the actions of others, all we can do is control ourselves and make decisions based on the information in front of us.

[KathyM]

Kathy - so are you saying he should rape her???

 

Even in a marriage one can throw down the gauntlet and decide to do something that the other party is completely opposed to, not having sex with them, cheat on them, gamble on the money, etc.

 

You can not MAKE someone do something if what they are doing is legal. You have recourses you can take, you can bring it up, you can bring up solutions, etc. but that is not saying the other party is going to comply.

 

What everyone has available in a marriage is to either completely disconnect and live separately emotional and possibly physically and they can divorce.

 

We cannot control the actions of others, all we can do is control ourselves and make decisions based on the information in front of us.

No, of course I am not advocating rape. I am advocating not letting this go without being resolved. I am suggesting he insist on working out a plan that they both can live with. I am suggesting communicating to his wife just how much he needs this in their marriage, how important it is to him, and how, if the medication she was taking (assuming I am correct that this man's wife was the one who was experiencing side effects and decided to refrain from the medication) was not something she can handle, that she needs to understand that submitting to her husband, even if her libido is low, is something that she needs to do for him as his wife. I don't think he should be taking the answer that "Too bad, honey, I just don't feel like it anymore" as an acceptable answer. He shouldn't accept that. This needs to be talked about and worked out, and not just accepted, because he does have the right to have sex with his wife if she is physically able to. I'm not suggesting his physically force her. I'm suggesting he insist on working out an arrangement that they both can live with, and not give up on that.

[giotto]

No, of course I am not advocating rape. I am advocating not letting this go without being resolved. I am suggesting he insist on working out a plan that they both can live with. I am suggesting communicating to his wife just how much he needs this in their marriage, how important it is to him, and how, if the medication she was taking (assuming I am correct that this man's wife was the one who was experiencing side effects and decided to refrain from the medication) was not something she can handle, that she needs to understand that submitting to her husband, even if her libido is low, is something that she needs to do for him as his wife. I don't think he should be taking the answer that "Too bad, honey, I just don't feel like it anymore" as an acceptable answer. He shouldn't accept that. This needs to be talked about and worked out, and not just accepted, because he does have the right to have sex with his wife if she is physically able to. I'm not suggesting his physically force her. I'm suggesting he insist on working out an arrangement that they both can live with, and not give up on that.

 

We've discussed all this and we've been to a marriage counsellor. Nothing worked. We are having sex once a month and this is as far as she would go. I'm not pushing anything. I don't want her to do it for me. As far as the medications and her OCD are concerned, yes, she could see a therapist and get her problems sorted once for all. She's promised this, but she doesn't do it. She tells me the meds work and she can keep the OCD under control. She is scared of what she would face in therapy. I understand that. I pushed it a couple of times, but I know now it's never going to happen. So, quite messy. But I've detached myself from all of this to protect my sanity. I got my work and the kids and my hobbies and that's enough at the moment... yes, shame about the marriage, though...

[giotto]

To clarify things a bit further: I have my faults in this marriage. When she couldn't be bothered to have sex even every couple of weeks, I started getting angry about it and made things a lot worse. I completely put her off. I think she was scared (not my intention at all and everybody reacts differently to conflict). Coupled with the loss of libido, it was really bad. The situation got compounded by a total lack of communication on her behalf. She didn't even tell me she was taking the ADs. I just found out one day. I didn't know she had OCD (recurrent, obsessive thoughts). Problems started at around 5 years into our marriage (10 from getting together). We've been married 22 years. So, as you can see, it's been 12 years of desert. I'd like to separate, but I don't have the heart to do that to her. Since I've stopped pestering her and I don't get angry anymore, she thinks everything is hunky dory. She has no idea.

[Robert Z]

Since I've stopped pestering her and I don't get angry anymore, she thinks everything is hunky dory. She has no idea.

 

Or maybe she does.

 

Maybe you have other things in your life that can carry you through. I thought I could bury myself in my work and be happy but that turned out to be wrong. There comes a time when you must put yourself first. Don't wait until it's too late. If you are anything like me, this is slowly killing you like a cancer.

[Got it]

No, of course I am not advocating rape. I am advocating not letting this go without being resolved. I am suggesting he insist on working out a plan that they both can live with. I am suggesting communicating to his wife just how much he needs this in their marriage, how important it is to him, and how, if the medication she was taking (assuming I am correct that this man's wife was the one who was experiencing side effects and decided to refrain from the medication) was not something she can handle, that she needs to understand that submitting to her husband, even if her libido is low, is something that she needs to do for him as his wife. I don't think he should be taking the answer that "Too bad, honey, I just don't feel like it anymore" as an acceptable answer. He shouldn't accept that. This needs to be talked about and worked out, and not just accepted, because he does have the right to have sex with his wife if she is physically able to. I'm not suggesting his physically force her. I'm suggesting he insist on working out an arrangement that they both can live with, and not give up on that.

 

You seem to think that this is something that both parties are wanting to resolve/change. It is quite clear that his wife is very accepting and confirmed in her feelings that she does not want to have sex. I am surprised that you seem to think that there is an additional option to working things out in some sort of an arrangement. It seems to be very clear to me she is at her arrangement. She is not going to have sex. And unless he forces her there isn't much he can do about it.

 

There are some things that are just hard stops in all relationships and are black and white. There are some things that people are not interested in compromising on regardless of the other person's thoughts, feelings, needs. This seems to be one in their relationship.

 

Sex is one, when there is such a disconnect, there are few happy endings or resolutions, in my experience.

 

You either make due without or divorce.

 

I speak from experience as a woman. My ex was never that sexually driven from the time we met (in high school), he had performance issues, low sex drive, etc and never wanted to address it or seek help. I tried talking, cajoling, mirroring his behavior, etc but what I realized was he was very happy and accepting of the status quo. So why change it?

 

Our sex lives was a big reason why I divorced. I could no longer accept the status quo. The other good just stopped outweighing the bad. But there was no compromise that was going to take place here. Ultimately it didn't matter enough and any improvements were short lived.

Edited July 25, 2012 by Got it

[giotto]

It is quite clear that his wife is very accepting and confirmed in her feelings that she does not want to have sex.

 

She does want sex, but once in a blue moon... and on her terms... usually at one o'clock in the morning and for 10 minutes...

 

BTW, I'm sleeping in my office because of some back problem (much better bed there) and I think she misses me. But my 11 year old daughter is sleeping with her, so she probably doesn't mind very much. Unfortunately, we are getting new mattresses shortly, so I'll have no excuse... actually, my teenager boy is in the next room and makes a lot of noise at night, playing on his PC... that might be the next excuse... I'm much happier now that I've decided that sex is out of the window. I don't have to be extra nice in case I might get rewarded... lol I don't care about the rest.

[giotto]

Or maybe she does.

 

Maybe you have other things in your life that can carry you through. I thought I could bury myself in my work and be happy but that turned out to be wrong. There comes a time when you must put yourself first. Don't wait until it's too late. If you are anything like me, this is slowly killing you like a cancer.

 

Maybe she does... to be honest, I couldn't care less. Anyway, I like my job, I love my kids and my social life and I'm not going to exchange them for sex...

[Robert Z]

Maybe she does... to be honest, I couldn't care less. Anyway, I like my job, I love my kids and my social life and I'm not going to exchange them for sex...

 

Could you elaborate on that? How would you be exchanging your job, kids, and social life, for sex?

[giotto]

Could you elaborate on that? How would you be exchanging your job, kids, and social life, for sex?

 

as in getting a divorce and therefore not seeing my kids much... also, I don't think I would be able to live in the same town as my wife... I would find it unbearable. If I moved, I would lose my social life. As far as my job is concerned, well, I'm a freelancer, so I suppose that would be the only thing not affected by a divorce, unless I'd moved somewhere without an Internet connection (which sometimes I really feel like doing)...

[Robert Z]

as in getting a divorce and therefore not seeing my kids much... also, I don't think I would be able to live in the same town as my wife... I would find it unbearable. If I moved, I would lose my social life. As far as my job is concerned, well, I'm a freelancer, so I suppose that would be the only thing not affected by a divorce, unless I'd moved somewhere without an Internet connection (which sometimes I really feel like doing)...

 

When you have kids at home it is difficult. I wouldn't sacrifice my sex life for my social life, but kids are a tough one.

 

That's why God made prostitutes. :D

[giotto]

When you have kids at home it is difficult. I wouldn't sacrifice my sex life for my social life, but kids are a tough one.

 

That's why God made prostitutes. :D

 

My social life is important to me because I work from home and without being able to go out - even for half an hour - and relax/distract myself I would go mad... my wife is the opposite. She works shifts, so when she gets back is all sofa and TV...

[KathyM]

We've discussed all this and we've been to a marriage counsellor. Nothing worked. We are having sex once a month and this is as far as she would go. I'm not pushing anything. I don't want her to do it for me. As far as the medications and her OCD are concerned, yes, she could see a therapist and get her problems sorted once for all. She's promised this, but she doesn't do it. She tells me the meds work and she can keep the OCD under control. She is scared of what she would face in therapy. I understand that. I pushed it a couple of times, but I know now it's never going to happen. So, quite messy. But I've detached myself from all of this to protect my sanity. I got my work and the kids and my hobbies and that's enough at the moment... yes, shame about the marriage, though...

That's too bad that you've accepted this as something that is not going to change. I think, as long as you don't press the issue, it won't change. I don't think you should accept this. You should press her to get counseling and let her know that, in order for you to be happy in the marriage, there needs to be more intimacy than once a month. Don't just give up and then years down the road decide to leave. If she sees you are not going to give up on this, it may help to get her over her passivity in dealing with this. As long as she thinks you've accepted the once a month, nothing will ever change.

[KathyM]

To clarify things a bit further: I have my faults in this marriage. When she couldn't be bothered to have sex even every couple of weeks, I started getting angry about it and made things a lot worse. I completely put her off. I think she was scared (not my intention at all and everybody reacts differently to conflict). Coupled with the loss of libido, it was really bad. The situation got compounded by a total lack of communication on her behalf. She didn't even tell me she was taking the ADs. I just found out one day. I didn't know she had OCD (recurrent, obsessive thoughts). Problems started at around 5 years into our marriage (10 from getting together). We've been married 22 years. So, as you can see, it's been 12 years of desert. I'd like to separate, but I don't have the heart to do that to her. Since I've stopped pestering her and I don't get angry anymore, she thinks everything is hunky dory. She has no idea.

There's a serious lack of communication from both of you in this marriage, and that is why nothing is being resolved. You need to communicate your honest feelings about this to her, and not with anger, but with sincerety. Don't just continue to grow apart and continue to grow in resentment. Your feelings about this need to be expressed to her, or she will one day be blindsided when you decide you've had enough and want out of the marriage.

[KathyM]

You seem to think that this is something that both parties are wanting to resolve/change. It is quite clear that his wife is very accepting and confirmed in her feelings that she does not want to have sex. I am surprised that you seem to think that there is an additional option to working things out in some sort of an arrangement. It seems to be very clear to me she is at her arrangement. She is not going to have sex. And unless he forces her there isn't much he can do about it.

 

There are some things that are just hard stops in all relationships and are black and white. There are some things that people are not interested in compromising on regardless of the other person's thoughts, feelings, needs. This seems to be one in their relationship.

 

Sex is one, when there is such a disconnect, there are few happy endings or resolutions, in my experience.

 

You either make due without or divorce.

 

I speak from experience as a woman. My ex was never that sexually driven from the time we met (in high school), he had performance issues, low sex drive, etc and never wanted to address it or seek help. I tried talking, cajoling, mirroring his behavior, etc but what I realized was he was very happy and accepting of the status quo. So why change it?

 

Our sex lives was a big reason why I divorced. I could no longer accept the status quo. The other good just stopped outweighing the bad. But there was no compromise that was going to take place here. Ultimately it didn't matter enough and any improvements were short lived.

I didn't say both parties want to resolve this. It's pretty obvious that it's only the husband that is dissatisfied with this arrangement, and the wife doesn't think it needs to change. But this is a couple problem. Something that has to be faced and dealt with as a couple. He can press the issue and not let it go. Right now, she is taking the passive way out, and that is cheating him out of a fulfilling sex life. If she's not willing to consider his needs and desires, and is not willing to budge on this, then I think an ultimatum is in order as a wake up call. But I think the first step is to start up the discussion again, in a sincere and calm way, so she knows he is not willing to let this go.

[KathyM]

She does want sex, but once in a blue moon... and on her terms... usually at one o'clock in the morning and for 10 minutes...

 

BTW, I'm sleeping in my office because of some back problem (much better bed there) and I think she misses me. But my 11 year old daughter is sleeping with her, so she probably doesn't mind very much. Unfortunately, we are getting new mattresses shortly, so I'll have no excuse... actually, my teenager boy is in the next room and makes a lot of noise at night, playing on his PC... that might be the next excuse... I'm much happier now that I've decided that sex is out of the window. I don't have to be extra nice in case I might get rewarded... lol I don't care about the rest.

Sounds like you've given up on your marriage. I think you should try to save it, or leave it. This living as roommates is no kind of marriage. I think you should move back into your wife's bedroom, move the daughter out of there, and start to physically and emotionally reconnect through talking while in bed, through touching--such as asking her if she would like a massage--no strings attached. I think you need to work on putting the touch back into your marriage. It's not all about sex. Your emotional and physical intimacy has seriously faded, and your moving to another bedroom is just making it worse. Move back into her bedroom as a first thing. You should be working on this. Don't give up. Don't distance yourself and then blindside her with a divorce.

[KathyM]

When you have kids at home it is difficult. I wouldn't sacrifice my sex life for my social life, but kids are a tough one.

 

That's why God made prostitutes. :D

Where's the unlike button on here when you need it?

[giotto]

Sounds like you've given up on your marriage. I think you should try to save it, or leave it. This living as roommates is no kind of marriage. I think you should move back into your wife's bedroom, move the daughter out of there, and start to physically and emotionally reconnect through talking while in bed, through touching--such as asking her if she would like a massage--no strings attached. I think you need to work on putting the touch back into your marriage. It's not all about sex. Your emotional and physical intimacy has seriously faded, and your moving to another bedroom is just making it worse. Move back into her bedroom as a first thing. You should be working on this. Don't give up. Don't distance yourself and then blindside her with a divorce.

 

yes, I've given up on it. We've discussed it ad nauseam. It's been going on for 4 years now (see my registration date). There is one big underlying problem: she has no libido. Zero. Even if we compromise, she would be doing it for me. She's said she's done that many times in the past. How horrendous. I don't want that. I don't want pity sex, because this is what it boils down to. Since she doesn't want to fix herself and I don't want to leave, I have no other option. I could walk away from it, but I have decided to stay, until my little one flies the nest, which will be another 7 years. We'll see after that.

[frozensprouts]

yes, I've given up on it. We've discussed it ad nauseam. It's been going on for 4 years now (see my registration date). There is one big underlying problem: she has no libido. Zero. Even if we compromise, she would be doing it for me. She's said she's done that many times in the past. How horrendous. I don't want that. I don't want pity sex, because this is what it boils down to. Since she doesn't want to fix herself and I don't want to leave, I have no other option. I could walk away from it, but I have decided to stay, until my little one flies the nest, which will be another 7 years. We'll see after that.

 

have you told your wife that there is the very real possibility that you could leave once your kids are grown and moved out? ( perhaps that is wishful thinking...seems more and more kids are growing up and staying put:laugh:)

 

If not, do you think that knowing that would change anything? ( I'm not suggesting you "threaten" her with that knowledge, but more that you let her know your honest feelings...

 

A theoretical question...

If you told her that, and the reasons why you felt that way, and it somehow got through to her and she started trying to be more intimate and to have sex with you again, would that change how you feel? If it wasn't "pity" sex but more "i'm not in the mood, but you are, and I love you and what to make you happy" type sex would you be okay with that? If she really has zero sex drive ( is that because of the medication she takes? If so, she should consider changing them...not only because of the side effect of lower her sex drive, but also because, from what I understand, that can also be a sign that they are causing more serious side effects...there's some new meds. that don't have these side effects and that are also a lot more effective) but she wanted to have sex with you because she loved you and wanted you to be happy would that be enough for you?