Which is better ? No Contact or Reduced Contact ?

[dreamguy]

It's the dilemma we are all faced with: the fear that when you stop contacting your ex it will make it easier for them to get over you. You think, they have to hear my voice or see me (if possible) every now and then so that the flame keeps burning.

I know, some people will say that excessive or even reduced contact will make it easier for your ex to get over you as well since they can slowly get out of the relationship like gradually stopping to smoke.

Which is the worst according to you ? Prolonged no contact or reduced contact and why?

[mrbubbles]

id say no contact at all for a long amount of time if you have actually decided to move on for GOOD reduced if your still planning on winning your ex back.your mind does go abit crazy when you have just parted your ways but i do feel that soemtimes reduced contact does re-ignite that element of missing someone, providing you dont rush your ways of making contact when you do, give them time to miss you and when you do decide to make contact make sure you go about it in the right way, no pressure and a few little flashbacks of what your really like.Regarding the no contact, im not a very big fan of having no contact at all for long periods of times eg.6months+ as i find majority of the time the end of the road has already been passed and its more then likely your ex has got over you then not so unless ur full intention is to get over your ex then id be against full no contact for a long period of time.So i guess reduced but controlled contact gets my vote!

[junegloom]

My vote's for reduced contact *if* the dumper has NOT specifically asked for time apart from the dumpee. If the dumper has asked for space or time or whatever, then the dumpee should not contact the dumper for at least 30 days.

 

I'm in a situation where we haven't even broken up yet, but I asked for time apart. My b/f doesn't want to marry any time soon and thinks he should let me go because he doesn't want to hold me back, and he feels guilty. However, he can't bring himself to break up with me and says he's still in love with me. So, I said go think about it, and take your time.

 

Of course I want him to come back, so I've been trying really hard to move on while simultaneously not to lose all hope - a daunting task but apparently not insurmountable.

 

We haven't spoken for nearly 3 weeks. So I'm wondering if he's moved on.. They say it takes two weeks to form a habit, so maybe by now he's used to me not being around or calling, and he's probably interested in dating.

 

So I believe this No Contact may have backfired on me.

 

He was always afraid of breaking up because he said he couldn't imagine his life without me. Well, now that it's happening, he might be pleased to have weathered the storm.

 

The other scary thing is I, too, feel myself coping without him. I still miss him (obviously or else I wouldn't be here looking for help), but I can see my life without him and I really don't like it. It's wierd and feels wrong. This whole thing feels stupid.. especially now that I understand how he feels about being pressured into marriage. At the moment, I'm being pressured into something by a member of the family. I'm actually feeling what it is he's feeling.. you know, walking in his shoes, so to speak. But it's too late now.

 

Absence isn't making my heart grow any fonder.. Shouldn't it be? And if *my* heart isn't growing fonder, the same must be true of his.

 

We have to see each other soon - there's a big event coming up where we'll both be at. I'm slightly nervous to see him, but I know it will be fine.. and that's what is so disturbing. We will be courteous, polite, we might have a few laughs, and say nothing more. How dreadfully sensible of us.

 

Bring on the storm! Life is worth living that way. But I'm not brave enough it seems. My heart needs to know 100% where he stands, but I'm afraid it will burst if I hear him say what I'm dreading. So I'm taking the easier route and just guessing, making up my own conclusions, and quasi-moving on. It's like ripping off a band-aid - do it quickly and the pain will go away quicker than if you pull at it slowly, little by little.

 

I don't allow myself to contact him. I wonder how much longer I can take this? Every day is different so far.. and it's been over a month of this bullsh*t.

 

He's probably scared, too. He might think I'm dating someone else and he might not be ready to hear that.

 

What am I saying.. he's probably waiting for me to "heal" so he can finalize the break. I was shaking when he tried to do it last month. I talked him out of it, and he asked if we could make plans to see each other.. rather excitedly, like he was convinced that there was still a chance. It was after that day that I said go think about it.

 

Sorry, this totally got off track. I'd love people's input though.

[I'mRickJames]

I'm on the "Reduced Contact" plan, if only out of necessity. My ex and I share a cell plan and I told her I'd let her know when our bill comes in so she can send me her half.

 

I know, probably not the best of ideas to still be sharing a cell plan but we did break on pretty good terms. She's entering her last year of college and wants some space because she hasn't been single the 3 years she's been in school so far (first year with someone else, last 2 with me).

 

I'm hoping the reduced contact will keep us in good standing so that when she's done with school and entering the real world, she'll be ready to come back (which she said we'd do if neither of us are with anyone by then)

[estakado]

On my end, I'd rather not have any contact at all till I get myself situated and ready just in case I meet/run into her again. Like most fools, I am still a little bit in love and any contact right now, intentional or accidental will hurt a little...even if I play it off...why because you truly love them and it still is a loss.

 

No contact is better so that you can get yourself together, thinking about your ex all day and making plans and playing fake fronts may not get you anywhere but more headaches. The only way reduced contact will work is if you are not coming from a long term relationship and/or the ex hasnt moved on with another person. As soon as your ex moved on with another person and/or begins dating then you can just kiss them goodbye. There is no real reason to break yourself and try to get them back because they feel that they already have gotten everything outta you that they can emotionally,physically and financially....I mean in most cases its just a pipe dream. They really think that they can make it without you anymore and it is easy not to think about you as much if there is someone else that seems to be better in their life.

 

I'd rather catch up with my ex after a year or so, when she gets to live with her decision and while I get to heal up and be emotionally, physically and financially stable than just catch up with me within a couple months where she cant even notice the big life changes that I made.

 

Its not wrong to hold out for hope, it just takes time for people to realise that their loved one aint gonna come back...I think that most people have a better chance of winning lotto sometimes than to have your ex come back.

 

DG, I think its time to turn the lights off now and take the signs down bro...she doesnt seem to get the message. From reading your posts she seems further lost in her decision to be without you. Worst summer ever continues...

[dugs]

worst summer ever continues...

 

Ha Ha, Nobody ever said it better my man!

[grace2005]

I vote for reduced contact if you are able to control your emotions and if your ex is happy to hear from you. Strict NC if you are just looking to get over her and move on. Reduced contact would mean contact no more than once every 40 days. Strict NC if your ex is irritated when you talk to them. I would say strict NC immediately after a break up until the ex calls you and depending on the nature of the call reduced contact.

[grace2005]

id say no contact at all for a long amount of time if you have actually decided to move on for GOOD reduced if your still planning on winning your ex back.your mind does go abit crazy when you have just parted your ways but i do feel that soemtimes reduced contact does re-ignite that element of missing someone, providing you dont rush your ways of making contact when you do, give them time to miss you and when you do decide to make contact make sure you go about it in the right way, no pressure and a few little flashbacks of what your really like.Regarding the no contact, im not a very big fan of having no contact at all for long periods of times eg.6months+ as i find majority of the time the end of the road has already been passed and its more then likely your ex has got over you then not so unless ur full intention is to get over your ex then id be against full no contact for a long period of time.So i guess reduced but controlled contact gets my vote!

 

I agree with mrbubbles

[CaliGuy]

It's the dilemma we are all faced with: the fear that when you stop contacting your ex it will make it easier for them to get over you.

 

The point of NC is for YOU to get over them, not the other way around.

 

You think, they have to hear my voice or see me (if possible) every now and then so that the flame keeps burning.

 

The more in contact with you they are while their feelings for you have wained the more likely it is whatever embers are left will die. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's not just a cliche'.

 

I know, some people will say that excessive or even reduced contact will make it easier for your ex to get over you as well since they can slowly get out of the relationship like gradually stopping to smoke.

Which is the worst according to you ? Prolonged no contact or reduced contact and why?

 

Reduced contact makes it harder for YOU to get over them and easier for them to accept their decision to end it. Look, ex's don't forget about you. But the more you stay in contact with them the easier it is for them to remember why they left because while you're maintaining contact you will not be focused on self-improvement and you will not be able to let go. You'll continue to pine after them and we all know the more aggressive you are with someone the more likely they are to run in the other direction.

 

Women want men who are confident, happy and a challenge to get. Give them the space they want and if they come back, you'll be in better shape to have a healthy relationship IF and only IF you had let go and focused on yourself. If you never let go you will not only not be in good shape for them, but for any future relationships.

 

Letting go, sticking to NC and focusing on self-improvement I would go so far as to say is the only path you towards a "cure" for the ex. Besides, why would you focus for crumbs of their attention? As long as you hang on you give them all the power over you.

 

To me, that's not healthy for your self-esteem and confidence.

[slubberdegullion]

uh, folks... the original post goes to July '04... I imagine it's been settled by now.

[CaliGuy]

uh, folks... the original post goes to July '04... I imagine it's been settled by now.

 

Advice is still relevant though

[riobikini]

Reduced Contact ...hmmmmm

 

I have given it the name 'NC Lite' in another post.

 

It does have it's merits, tho, when used in the right circumstances.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

Reduced Contact ...hmmmmm

 

I have given it the name 'NC Lite' in another post.

 

It does have it's merits, tho, when used in the right circumstances.

 

-Rio

 

If you were clingy or soft with them or they have moved on and you haven't, I wouldn't recommend it. If you've moved on and they have moved on and each are dating others, then maybe.

 

I'm having a hard time reasoning contact with an ex you still desire to be with, especially if they are dating someone else. It just delays the healing process.

 

On top of that, you'd still be giving them power over you, which isn't attractive at all.

[basscatcher]

If you were clingy or soft with them or they have moved on and you haven't, I wouldn't recommend it. If you've moved on and they have moved on and each are dating others, then maybe.

 

I'm having a hard time reasoning contact with an ex you still desire to be with, especially if they are dating someone else. It just delays the healing process.

 

On top of that, you'd still be giving them power over you, which isn't attractive at all.

 

I agree totally with your post.

 

I like some contact so I can work through all the questions and make my last comments.

I had NC with my last serious bf for 5 mth after he walked out and I was going nuts. he finally contacted me and I had the chance to say what I wanted to say to him for the next 4 months, then seen him for 1 weekend and that was it. It was over. I finally was able to shed him from my system and see his true colors I needed to research him by being in limited contact.

I don't think thats possible for some situations where one party refuses to want to or chose to let go. Obsession is dangerous and NC I feel is the best solution with someone who is truly obsessive and in denial.

I wasn't in denial. I just need some answers and true closure.

[wendel1]

If you know your ex is with somebody else, I would advise definitley NC whatsover

[riobikini]

We do arrive at a place, CaliGuy, where our head begins to judge our hearts rather well.

 

Most of us will struggle, in varying degrees, with contact issues with the absence of a partner.

 

It's because your head is not quite finished taking instructions from your heart's emotions and refuses the logic over the love, -which is often referred to as 'the magic' and the beauty of love.

 

But Love is irrational.

 

It is simply that one of love's most faithful traits is stubbornness and unwillingness to give up or die.

 

It chooses to fight, instead.

 

So that makes it heroic.

 

And no one likes to see a beloved hero die.

 

We want him (love) to live no matter what.

 

Love should triumph and change things, right?

 

Love should have made the girl you sat behind in fourth grade write a note back that said " Yes" instead of "No" in response to the one you carefully slid past the teacher's eyes that read "I love you, do you love me? Circle 'Yes' or 'No'..."

 

Love should have intervened in the life of the girl you were in love with back in high school who's father was being transferred a thousand miles away to the other side of the world, taking your 'girl' with him.

 

But it didn't change things, -instead, it changed YOU.

 

It triumphed.

 

And it still does.

 

The issues of contact are about love encouraging it's most noted characteristic: of being historically indomitable under all circumstances.

 

And whether you fail and make contact with your ex after your brain has advised you, or you succeed in maintaining your vow, whether you reconcile or never reunite, you are still one of the luckiest people on earth to have experienced something no one has ever yet fully explained....love.

 

And it'll happen again for you someday.

 

Because it is indomitable.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

We do arrive at a place, CaliGuy, where our head begins to judge our hearts rather well.

 

That exact point happens when we accept it's over, let it go and have resolved to move forward with our life.

[J dub]

Reduced contact only does one thing: messes with your head. You try to dissect the things they DO say to you searching for hidden meaning and a "sign" that they still want to be together. You waste all your time away wondering and wishing when what you should be doing is just moving on. If they come back, they'll do it on their own free will, not with you barging in on their life every few weeks or so. How mush pestering can one take?

 

I have been on both sides of the fence, both the dumper and the dumpee. In my scenario, had the guy I dumped left me alone for a while I'd have come back. I needed to straighten things out in my life first and I felt it was not fair to him to keep him hanging so I broke it off and told him that we'll try again soon. Instead he just found lame a$$ reasons to contact me, like asking me questions that god knows he couldve gotten the answers from anyone else. It annoyed me to the point of throwing in the towel.

 

On the other side, I was dumped this summer and from day 1 of being single I promised myself I deserved either all of this man's attention, or none of it (friends just wasnt an option because I knew full well that my heart would not be able to decipher what was platonic and what wasnt). So, I engaged in STRICT nc for a month, even when he tried to touch base with me with some stupid SMS's and Voicemails, I kept thinking unless he is saying the magic words "I'm sorry I need you in my life I love you" than I didnt have time for the games. I was worried about #1, me, and there is much too much in life going on to waste it away being obnoxious and overanalyzing his messages.

 

And guess what? He came back to me. I recently had a long talk with a close friend of mine who was dealing with a similar situation and I suggested she simply fall off the face of the earth as far as he was concerned. I knew that human curiousity is much too great for the dumper to not wonder what happened to you.

 

Her ex also returned to her and even better yet, she had met someone she fell for 100x moreso in the "meantime" and was able to tell the ex to screw off which clearly gave her much satisfaction. And now HE is calling metrying to get me to talk to her for him which I think is a) cowardly and b) pathetic.

 

Of course Grace would suggest limited contact because thats what he did. But you know what else he did? He dumped her when she came back to him, and NOW he's regretting that he cut her off and he's posting all over about how much he misses her and how he's going to contact her again. Talk about playing someone's heart strings, this poor girl is probably having a complex trying to figure out what the heck is going on. And in two weeks he'll change his mind AGAIN, probably putting this girl in therapy for feeling like a tossed away POS.

 

When you love someone, you dont treat them like garbage. You respect their wishes, and you move on. The best revenge, is getting on with your life. Drives the ex's CRAZY.

[riobikini]

This is from a thread I recently posted in to someone else, (SeatPanda).

 

It is on the topic I have dubbed 'NC Lite'

 

Hope it helps.

 

 

I notice this was a 'fiance', -and not a dating relationship.

 

I don't know what the differences were causing the split, but since you began with NC, I can only guess you had good reason.

 

If the reason was good enough to begin with, then keep it.

 

No Contact is primarily for people who absolutely want and need to move on.

 

If it's over and irreparable, and you have no decent hope of living in a committed, trusting, and loving relationship, then you have been using the concept and purpose of NC well.

 

A version of No Contact (I call it 'NC Lite'), is also used in relationships where a 'break' or 'time for space' is needed to allow necessary time for sorting through intense emotions, or where there is confusion in the direction the relationship is headed.

 

A good 'for instance' for using NC Lite would be when your relationship is about to be taken to the next level of commitment like moving in, getting married, etc.

 

It's when you need to step off the gas, get your head straight about what you're doing, and make sure you know what you're doing before you make any more moves and be certain you can keep the commitments that you're about to make.

 

It's a natural occurance, although many people get so caught up emotionally in the 'break' that they totally lose it and it causes serious problems in the relationship, because they just don't understand the need for it.

 

Another mutant form of NC is generated from more of a juvenile, high school perspective in which the entire relationship is based on the willingness and desire of emotionally immature partners who simply want to make each other jealous and carry out a long, dramatic game.

 

I DO agree that feeling sharp pangs of jealousy over your partner can reel you back in suddenly, and initiate the territorial/possessive response, which can make you realize what you have, -but it normally backfires if you use it too often, and with trivialities, and may become just a temporary 'fix' for partners who just need to end the relationship.

 

Rigging NC to benefit yourself with a little 'attention' drama is abusing the whole concept.

 

Hope this helped.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

Reduced contact only does one thing: messes with your head. You try to dissect the things they DO say to you searching for hidden meaning and a "sign" that they still want to be together. You waste all your time away wondering and wishing when what you should be doing is just moving on. If they come back, they'll do it on their own free will, not with you barging in on their life every few weeks or so. How mush pestering can one take?

 

I have been on both sides of the fence, both the dumper and the dumpee. In my scenario, had the guy I dumped left me alone for a while I'd have come back. I needed to straighten things out in my life first and I felt it was not fair to him to keep him hanging so I broke it off and told him that we'll try again soon. Instead he just found lame a$$ reasons to contact me, like asking me questions that god knows he couldve gotten the answers from anyone else. It annoyed me to the point of throwing in the towel.

 

On the other side, I was dumped this summer and from day 1 of being single I promised myself I deserved either all of this man's attention, or none of it (friends just wasnt an option because I knew full well that my heart would not be able to decipher what was platonic and what wasnt). So, I engaged in STRICT nc for a month, even when he tried to touch base with me with some stupid SMS's and Voicemails, I kept thinking unless he is saying the magic words "I'm sorry I need you in my life I love you" than I didnt have time for the games. I was worried about #1, me, and there is much too much in life going on to waste it away being obnoxious and overanalyzing his messages.

 

And guess what? He came back to me. I recently had a long talk with a close friend of mine who was dealing with a similar situation and I suggested she simply fall off the face of the earth as far as he was concerned. I knew that human curiousity is much too great for the dumper to not wonder what happened to you.

 

Her ex also returned to her and even better yet, she had met someone she fell for 100x moreso in the "meantime" and was able to tell the ex to screw off which clearly gave her much satisfaction. And now HE is calling metrying to get me to talk to her for him which I think is a) cowardly and b) pathetic.

 

Of course Grace would suggest limited contact because thats what he did. But you know what else he did? He dumped her when she came back to him, and NOW he's regretting that he cut her off and he's posting all over about how much he misses her and how he's going to contact her again. Talk about playing someone's heart strings, this poor girl is probably having a complex trying to figure out what the heck is going on. And in two weeks he'll change his mind AGAIN, probably putting this girl in therapy for feeling like a tossed away POS.

 

When you love someone, you dont treat them like garbage. You respect their wishes, and you move on. The best revenge, is getting on with your life. Drives the ex's CRAZY.

 

Brilliant post, J Dub. I agree with you 100%. You can never break free fully with limited contact. You friend is a great example (as you are) of what happens when you let go.

 

I'm in the same spot with the ex. It's all or nothing and I certainly have to look out for me. And in the process, I might have met someone special. A little early to tell but she is, at least on the surface, exactly what I have always wanted.

 

Limited contact = LimitLESS pain.

[Just Visiting]

Through experience, I feel that NC is the best way to heal and move on from a break-up. It is going on 4 months for me and it has been painful. But I am slowly getting better as each month goes by. The last time I spoke to my ex was about 2 months ago via MSN. He gave the "I wish you happiness and the best for the future" monologue which at times I find pretty cliche, and infuriating..lol.

 

However, I believe there is a lesson in every adversity. I knew for the longest time that I did not love, value, and appreciate myself enough. I was always more concerned with other people's welfare, feeling that I wasn't as important. And it really showed in how I related to everyone...especially within romantic relationships. When my ex and I broke up in mid-September, I was devastated. But I was determined to truly learn from the situation and take the time rebuild myself in all areas of my life. So in a way, I thank him for that because it is the wake-up call I needed.

 

This growth wouldn't have been possible if I was in constant contact with my ex. It wouldn't have given me the space to reflect on personal issues, and work on them. There are many things about him that I miss, and I do go back and forth on a possible reconciliation. However, I know that I still have some healing to do.

 

At the moment, just hearing or seeing his name on an email (his sisters still keep in contact) makes my heart drop and I get nervous. I have moments when I wonder why he hasn't contacted me and think that maybe he has truly moved on. However, I prefer that we don't have contact as much as I would like to, it is just not healthy for me at this time. Once I am stronger and more clear on my own path, than I will be open to it.

 

I agree with JDub in that no contact is the best route. It is not a way to punish the other person, but you need time to treat your emotional wounds. And it is not going heal if you keep picking at them with limited contact. No one is going to do it for you, you have to do it for yourself.

[dreamguy]

slubberdegullion,

Believe it or not, I just read CaliGuy's post. That's some pretty good advice he gave there.

It's been more than 15 months since I last joined but today I just felt like checking this place again. I have so many memories of how I used to feel when I joined in 2004.

After my ex (at that time) broke up with me in May 2004 I met someone else in August 2004 and we have been together ever since. We've been through ups and downs but we're passing the tests of time. After all it has already been said "It's not the incompatibilities that endanger a relationship but it's how you deal with them."

In fact I'm getting engaged in April and soon after that I'm getting married.

[livinlifetofullest]

Congratulations DreamGuy! Yes, I've read your insightful posts before, and have gotten some strength from it. You deserve every bit of happiness you can get! Congrats!

[resentment006]

Good luck dreamguy. Keep us posted from time to time on how you are doing with your current partner

[dreamguy]

Congratulations DreamGuy! Yes, I've read your insightful posts before, and have gotten some strength from it. You deserve every bit of happiness you can get! Congrats!

 

Good luck dreamguy. Keep us posted from time to time on how you are doing with your current partner

 

livinlifetofullest, I'm glad to have helped. It always feels great to know somewhere, somehow you made a difference ! Thank you for the nice words.

 

resentment006, my current gf (soon to become my fiancee) wanted to travel to make some money abroad. I tackled the issue with diplomacy and delicacy. I just told her that in case she went on with her decision to travel I would, of course, miss her a lot but that doesn't mean I'll stand in her way and/or stop her from following her dreams even if this means we'll be far away from each other.

Yesterday she gave me a call and she started hinting that she wasn't eager to travel anymore for the time being. Instead, she wanted to be with me as soon as possible.

Had I said "no you can't go !" or "please I can't live without you don't leave me" I think that she would have certainly went ahead and traveled !

What I'm trying to say is when you want to keep someone in your life don't make the mistake of suffocating them. It's always better to let them know how you feel but leave the final decision up to them. That way they know they are always free and they stayed with you willingly.