He doesn't want me to tell my family we got married

[Confused80]

Eight years ago I started seeing an older man, we hit it off immediately and started dating.

 

It's been the most wonderful relationship I've ever had. My husband isn't the most physically attractive man ever, his hair is receding, he's got a big nose, for the last two years he's had a horrible Burt renolds stache he refuses to shave (he admitted it's just to make me crazy!!! )

 

His personality on the other hand is just oh my word, the best. He always takes care of me. When I'm sick, when I'm tired, when I need help, he'd give me the world if he could. He's a magnet, he tells the funniest stories ever and I love listening to them

 

We get along like two peas in a pod. We always have fun, we just have a great partnership. I love him so much it's not even funny.

 

My family is our problem, they've never taken the time to get to know him, they always made a big deal about us being together.

 

They make comments on how immature he is, not true I don't know where they got that from...

 

They say he's ugly and know I can do better, even saying that to his face. It made him cry once when we got back to hotel room, because he thought they were right. They say That they don't know what my deal is but one day I'll figure it out.

 

My mom was visiting once and saw the box of condoms we had and said "ewww I can't believe you actually sleep with him" I wanted to tell her that our sex life is probably better than she could ever imagine, but didn't. My sister was talking about kids one day and I mentioned we were thinking about trying to have a baby. Her response "he's gross, hopefully the poor thing doesn't look like him."

 

He was very handsome when he was younger, I think so any way, so I don't have any doubts we'd have a wonderful baby too.

 

We got married 10 months ago, very privately in Hawaii, when we came home we told our friends and his family (who I also love) and they were happy for us. But he begged me to not tell my family, he doesn't want them to know because no one thinks he's good enough.

 

We live out of state, so we don't see them often. I just want everyone to know he's all mine. I've told him not to worry but he doesn't want me to.

 

Can I change his mind?

[Silly_Girl]

This is one of the saddest posts I remember reading.

 

It must be SO hard to deal with, for you, because you have to face what a bunch of shallow, superficial, uncaring folk your family can be at times. A kind, funny, loyal man who takes good care of you and they care what he looks like more than any of that? Yuck!

 

I agree you should tell them, and I hope your H comes to understand you want to tell them BECAUSE YOU'RE SO PROUD OF HIM!!!

[darkmoon]

"he begged me to not tell my family"

he has begged you - show you love him by being ok with his request, this is not a game, sorry xx

[Radu]

The immature part is probably from your age difference.

The crying part is a bit ... hmm, but i can't judge it fully as i've never experienced something like this.

 

The baby part, well ... you can pick the gender with IVF; pick a boy if that's the problem.

 

I'm a guy, but i would actually tell them how mindblowing the sex is, how great the relationship is, but just before you do this imagine all the nice things he did for you, let them fill you up with warmth.

That way you will be also communicating through body language and tonality the same message so they will get it.

 

I agree with darkmon, i wouldn't say anything about the marriage.

[Confused80]

"he begged me to not tell my family"

he has begged you - show you love him by being ok with his request, this is not a game, sorry xx

 

I haven't and I won't until he's ok with it. I lightly suggest it to him from time to time and back off when he says no. I do want him to say yes though, I'm proud I get to have him all to myself.

 

My sister came not too long ago and he asked me to not wear my ring... So I didn't, but I didn't like not having it on.

[whichwayisup]

This is one of the saddest posts I remember reading.

 

It must be SO hard to deal with, for you, because you have to face what a bunch of shallow, superficial, uncaring folk your family can be at times. A kind, funny, loyal man who takes good care of you and they care what he looks like more than any of that? Yuck!

 

I agree you should tell them, and I hope your H comes to understand you want to tell them BECAUSE YOU'RE SO PROUD OF HIM!!!

 

Totally agree. It is sad. Your family puts too much on 'looks' than what goes on inside. Here they have a son in law who is kind hearted, gentle, treats you well and loves you so much. THAT should be enough!

 

I say, screw them and live your life the way you want to. If they eventually come around and want to be in your life, then that's great. If not, it's their loss. They are petty and immature.

 

Be proud of who you married. This guy sounds like a gem.

[Confused80]

The crying wasn't like girly or anything... It was from frustration we both just had to sit there while they took pot shots at him.

[Silly_Girl]

OP, what is the worst that can happen - in your husband's eyes? Is he asking you for his sake, or maybe because he wants to save you the aggro? Has he considered that they may well STFU once they realise you're married, it's a done deal, and nothing they say or do now will influence you.

 

I realise he has asked this of you but in your shoes I would want to fully understand his motives because I actually think it's unreasonable to ask a spouse to lie (by omission) about such a large issue. If I were to make that sacrifice for my partner I'd need to fully 'get' it.

[Confused80]

OP, what is the worst that can happen - in your husband's eyes? Is he asking you for his sake, or maybe because he wants to save you the aggro? Has he considered that they may well STFU once they realise you're married, it's a done deal, and nothing they say or do now will influence you.

 

I realise he has asked this of you but in your shoes I would want to fully understand his motives because I actually think it's unreasonable to ask a spouse to lie (by omission) about such a large issue. If I were to make that sacrifice for my partner I'd need to fully 'get' it.

It's for me so I don't have to listen to it. He's also embarrassed at the age difference, he thinks it looks like he's taken advantage of me.

 

He's so different with them, anyone else he wouldn't care. For some reason with them he does...

[Silly_Girl]

It's for me so I don't have to listen to it. He's also embarrassed at the age difference, he thinks it looks like he's taken advantage of me.

 

He's so different with them, anyone else he wouldn't care. For some reason with them he does...

 

So he is trying to protect you, yet you are upset at this path he's chosen for you. It seems you two are working at cross-purposes. I hope he really does understand how you feel and that your love and pride are sincere. If he *does* know this I find it hard to believe he would try to 'forbid' you sharing the wonderful news with your family. I know you don't want to upset him but this issue will remain in your household until your family are told. Seems to me it's a 'ripping off the bandaid quickly' scenario you need.

 

I was also going to say how hurt your family will be when years later they find out you married and did not share the news but to be honest I don't really care if they *are* put out. Not after how they've behaved.

[Radu]

What is the age difference, if you don't mind ?

[Confused80]

What is the age difference, if you don't mind ?

 

19 years, so a bit I realize...

[darkmoon]

so he's old enough to be your dad making a great onus to be as good i feel nervous on his behalf and that's without the burden of handling your family's rudeness -

 

this man is your husband you promised him certain things that come with the turf, you must be on his side - - loyal

 

<< you & him xx

Edited July 15, 2012 by darkmoon

[Radu]

19 years, so a bit I realize...

 

I've heard and seen bigger differences of age.

You can deffinitely have kids and see them grow up.

 

I was imagining much bigger.

[Confused80]

so he's old enough to be your dad making a great onus to be as good i feel nervous on his behalf and that's without the burden of handling your family's rudeness -

 

this man is your husband you promised him certain things that come with the turf, you must be on his side - - loyal

 

<< you & him xx

 

I know that and I am loyal to him. The longer I'm with him the less I hold back if someone says something about him... I should have done that from the beginning though.

 

The worst part of this is when I have to take off my ring. It's so beautiful, when I don't have it on I feel so weird...

[Radu]

I know that and I am loyal to him. The longer I'm with him the less I hold back if someone says something about him... I should have done that from the beginning though.

 

The worst part of this is when I have to take off my ring. It's so beautiful, when I don't have it on I feel so weird...

 

Do you wear a cross on a necklace ?

Put it there, close to the heart and wear a shirt/turtleneck.

[Confused80]

Do you wear a cross on a necklace ?

Put it there, close to the heart and wear a shirt/turtleneck.

 

What a great idea!!! I might just do that!!!

 

Thank you.

[Confused80]

I told him about the necklace idea, and he loved it.

 

I just wish he was ok with me telling them and I could change his mind. I almost feel like he's embarrassed to be with me... I really do love everything about him. I don't care what they think. I find him very attractive.

[pink_sugar]

19 years, so a bit I realize...

 

Oh wow, I think this might play a large role, so this is some helpful information. I think your family might not approve of the age difference and thus trying to find things about him to make him less appealing to you. Not necissarily just because of his looks. That might be second. If your family cannot keep their comments back and at least make an effort to accept your life choices, you might be better off without them in your life. At this point, they lack so much common decency that it would be quite appropriate to mail them a letter with your news and if they have any issues with it, too bad for them. You don't need to deal with their reactions. Your husband comes first in your life now and quite frankly your relatives have no shame.

[goodthingscome]

Yes the age difference could bother some people, but if you and he are okay with it? You are of legal age, right? Your family may "think" they are looking out for your best interest, but they need to back off. YOU need to "grow up" and have an adult conversation with all of them and let them know how you feel and what you expect from them.

 

Your husband makes you happy? Is good to you? Respects and honors your? Provides for you? That's what is important. It's not a

flipping beauty contest! Your family sounds quite vain really.

 

They will find out sooner or later, and quite honestly the sooner is better. Hiding it and being deceitful will only give them more ammo about his character and your immaturity.

 

P.S. Congratulations on your new life together

Edited July 16, 2012 by goodthingscome
added ps

[Confused80]

Yes the age difference could bother some people, but if you and he are okay with it? You are of legal age, right? Your family may "think" they are looking out for your best interest, but they need to back off. YOU need to "grow up" and have an adult conversation with all of them and let them know how you feel and what you expect from them.

 

Your husband makes you happy? Is good to you? Respects and honors your? Provides for you? That's what is important. It's not a

flipping beauty contest! Your family sounds quite vain really.

 

They will find out sooner or later, and quite honestly the sooner is better. Hiding it and being deceitful will only give them more ammo about his character and your immaturity.

 

P.S. Congratulations on your new life together

Yes we both are old enough to consent. I just turned 29 and he is 48, our age difference doesn't bother us. Although he does have a hard time when people ask him About it (which happens more than we would like). For me it's no conflict at all, I kind of like it.

 

He is a wonderful caring person with a lot to offer and that Is one of my many favorite things about him.