icelollie Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND ANYMORE I really dont even like my husband most of the time but stay with him. We have little in common and there is a tremendous amount of conflict in our relationship. I am afraid to leave him because it would be so hard to support my two children by myself as he is a stepfather and I would get no support. I retire in two years and then can move somewhere less expensive. We live in a very expensive area and it would cost me twice as much to live if I moved out and I know he never will. I never thought I would ever be this way but I would be happy if he would just have a discreet affair, stay away from home most of the time, and just leave me alone. He is a terrible lover. I used to have sex just to please and connect with him for his pleasure but I just dont like him enough to do that anymore. I know he is sexually frustrated and is often mean to me because of it. When my children's father and I split up, I lost my job and had to sell my house and start all over again. It was so hard. I think I am afraid that if I leave my present husband the same thing might happen and I am so close to retirement and have spent 30 years at the same job (I was eventually reinstated to my former position) I guess I am asking for any advice. Is it worth it to hang in there a few more years? I have little hope that anything will get better between us. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Have you tried anything to make the marriage better? Counseling, books, anything to improve the relationship between the 2 of you? If there is no way that you can improve this relationship, then I wonder if the 2 of you might come to some agreement about staying together, basically as roomates, until you are able to retire. Whatever you do though, you need to open up some lines of communication with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Ok I'm trying not to be mean here - but do you realize what you have become? You are willing to stay with a man because of $ and the life he can provide for you and YOUR kids. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Originally posted by Debster Ok I'm trying not to be mean here - but do you realize what you have become? You are willing to stay with a man because of $ and the life he can provide for you and YOUR kids. Sometimes it's hard to financially start over. Have you ever had to do this Debster? Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I would consult a divorce lawyer and get an idea of what type of financial support you and your children can likely expect in child support and equitable division of property. You're not without rights. Once you get a better understanding of the financial/life style repercussions of any divorce then you can intelligently decide whether your personal happiness is sufficient grounds on which to end this unhappy marriage. It's a bitch falling out of love, and it's even worse when you fall out of "like." Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Sometimes it's hard to financially start over. Have you ever had to do this Debster? Well sometimes life IS hard. It doesn't mean you get to use people. Say what you want, but she is planning on staying with someone she doesn't love because of what he can provide her and her kids. To me, that is wrong. As for me, no I have not had to start over financially, but I have had to scrape money together and make every dollar last when I was in University and just started out. If money is an issue, she should get support from the children's father or cut her lifestyle so she can live within her income. Other people do it all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 It amazes me how often I hear people say that they are afraid of making these changes in their life due to the unknown. It's eventually going to come to making major changes, you might as well get it over with. I'm firmly against divorce so normally I would say to try counseling, books, or even a local Church. However, by listening to your post it sounds to me that this marriage doesn't have a chance. My Mother stayed with my Step-Dad for years even while watching him beat us kids to bloody pulps and having the cops come out only to watch them sit and have a beer with my Step-Dad and then leave while we bled in the corner. It damaged us for good. All because she was afraid she couldn't make it on her own. What you may be putting your kids through can prove to be just as damaging. I say that if you have no desire to try and make this institution work, leave now. You are capable of more than you can ever imagine, you just need take a leap of faith. Lean on your family and friends. ( For emotional support only ). Let go of your desires to live in a fancy neighborhood and possessing lovely things and focus on your children and your happiness. That's more important to you than anything you could own. Good Luck, Moose Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I can imagine your distress - even 'non-fancy' neighborhoods in California are ridiculously expensive. And after 28 years with a company you'd be nuts to move out of the area to try to start again. I think your best bet is going to be to go for counselling and try to make your marriage work. You loved this man at some point in time, I don't think it is unreasonable to think you can at least like him again. Maybe you could work on having more in common with him (are his interests that awful?) as a starting point. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Well if things are bad now...they could get even worse with lack of money added to the mix of problems. Sure we all want to be happy with of lives...but we still have to survive. Happiness doesn't pay the bills and feed the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icelollie Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 geez, i wrote a long post but dont see it. thanks for feedback. i am scared to death to leave. he threatens to get most of everything. even though we own this house jointly and bought it after marrying he put down payment and wants that and more. i am so frightened. yes, life can get worse if you cant make ends meet. i have always provided for myself and am mainly afraid of what he will put me through once I file and also, must being overwhelmed trying to cope with kids, divorce, stressful job all at one time while going through divorce. i am 52 and not a spring chicken anymore. I am going to call counselor. I really need help. on the other hand, this relationship is so unhealthy. very bad for children to see. how will they ever have a happy relationships themselves if this is what they learn about about marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Well if things are bad now...they could get even worse with lack of money added to the mix of problems. i am so frightened. yes, life can get worse if you cant make ends meet. I guess we have a difference of opinion. I know that life can get worse without money but IMO, it can get a heck of a lot worse and do a lot more damage if you lose your self-respect, self-esteem and independence. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I am going to call counselor. I really need help. Good idea. I'd call a divorce lawyer and a mental health therapist. The first can help protect your money, the second, your mind. Do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icelollie Posted July 10, 2004 Author Share Posted July 10, 2004 Thanks to everyone for their help. Actually, I feel like this is as good as counseling. Gettting feedback from a group gives one different perspectives. Anyway, it got me motivated to actually to and "DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Since the "D" word is so often discussed but no action taken, I asked him what it is that he wants, and if he wants to sell house and divorce or get separate checking accounts and each pay half of bills. I also told him that he needs to quit screaming and cussing at me everytime I say the least little thing he doesnt want to hear, and that, in fact, I would call the police, divorce him, whatever it takes to get away from that as his mouth, I feel, is like a lethal weapon. After I said that he responded that we would get divorced as he did not like my threats. I also would like to add that he does not support me. I work full time and make the same amount of money as he does or close to it in addition to do most of domestic chores, taking care of endless business and running the household. So, the truth is, I am reluctant because of the lifestyle that we, together, provide for my children and ourselves. I also know that he will really put me through it once I file for divorce--that is what I most dread--the months of sheer hell I will have to go through. Maybe I am wrong, but often I think he stays mainly because of the house, and also, I have a pretty good retirement coming, much more than he does. So, in essence, he is pretty much financially set for retirement if he stays with me, and, will most likely outlive me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I applaud your honesty. You have the courage to admit WHY you do not wish to lose your marriage-flat out, no bones about it. Good for you. It will make whatever comes in the future that much easier to deal with. This way, there are no claims of lingering feelings mucking with your decision making. Best of luck to you-first think I would do is sit down with your children and explain what is going on-children appreciate honesty from adults more than anything , I think. Get a good lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author icelollie Posted July 11, 2004 Author Share Posted July 11, 2004 Geez, this place is great. It actually got me motivated. I have been so unhappy and not doing anything about it. My husband hasnt yelled at me today. I guess he knows I mean business. Monday morning I need to start taking care of things. What a lot of work. Am thinking about just quitting job, taking retirement that I have and moving to state where my children's father resides so he can help with kids. Also much cheaper there and may be able to purchase house for cash I get from this house or close to it. Thanks to everyone. You have been extremely helpful. Maybe I do have feelings for my husband but if I do they are buried beneath a huge hoard of anger and resentment. I really dont know but I know I will never be at all happy with him so why not try something else. Maybe my house wont be as big and fancy, but I am a simple person by nature anyway--he is the one that wanted this house, not I. I wanted something smaller and easier to keep up. He never cared how I felt about that or anything else. All had to be his way or the highway. I know this is probably temporary but although I am afraid I am starting to look forward to these changes somewhat. god bless you all. Link to post Share on other sites
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