sad puppy Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Well, lots of you had lots to say about my breaking NC. xMM and I messaged a few times for about one month but in the end, there really wasn't much to say after he wrote: "Sorry Babe, but I just can't get there from here". I remember my Grade 6 teacher saying "can't" means Certainly Are Not Trying. One thing I've learned. A relationship is like a plant. Starve it of daily care, sunshine, fertilizer and water, and pretty soon, you've got a dead plant on your hands. This is so natural, don't beat yourself up if you still have feelings or are still confused. I am in your same spot, but a bit different. My xMM left last Sep, I walked out NY day, after a rocky fall season, where we hardly saw each other - maybe 4x in all. I went NC hard core for 5 or 6 months, then he emailed me. I was adament I wouldn't respond. Well, I did, one week later. Sent him a scathing email, which probably surprised/pissed him off. Well, that got the email ball rolling. Then there were a few calls. Then I sent another extremely angry email to him. Told him he messed up by contacting me again. He wants to do his own thing, be independent, divorce should be final in a couple months. I have been trying to move on, but it's been a struggle to the max, emotionally. Intellectually I get it, emotionally, very difficult. So, I texted him last week if he had missed me in the past 6 months. He said yes, and then a long texting conversation where he seemed to be enthusiastically recalling our first meeting. It was vague & strange. At the end, I said, "it seems we have unfinished business". He responded "I know we do". What that means, I don't know? I don't know if he's aiming to try & persuade me that he was a good guy afterall or if he's fishing to see where my feelings are. As he is a conflict avoider, I suspect he just wants to leave it where somehow, I still think he's a great guy, even though we are over. Just my gut. And if that's so - WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT. Anyway, I recap to show you how difficult & hard & confusing all this is. It's easy to be strong for months on end, and then, something happens - a call, an email. Barr - you're in a different situation as he's still married. Get out of it. Airm for that to be your goal. You must move on, you cannot beat yourself up for your feelings or emotions but they are what they are, accept them. It's all natural and ok. But you must surrender to the Universe at this time. Practice surrendering and allowing the Universe to take over. This means leaving hope by the side of the road, and walking on. Surrender. This concept is the only thing that helps me. Very difficult as I'm so controlling and type A and a worrier. I keep trying to default to my intellect & remind myself of all the horrid qualities he has. Cowardice, lying, betrayal, conflict avoidance, ... These are not qualities to be admired and your xMM has them too. Allow your intellect to guide you. Please stay focused on these types of qualities, they do not, wash away the lovely connection you have/had, so it's hard. Seems to me there's something quite wrong with these long term cheaters, especially the ones that don't leave. Wishing you peace, my dear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FelicityShot Posted July 16, 2012 Share Posted July 16, 2012 Peace is always a good wish Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Through some text messages, I got the answers I needed and now feel much more at peace. He has decided to stay with his W, which was something he did not really say while we were seeing each other. I expressed myself to the extent that I wanted to and he heard me out and acknowledged my feelings. Now I feel that I can move on. Sorry that some of you responding to this and other threads are so brutal. I thought LS was supposed to be supportive. I guess some people can't make their points without being cutting. I'm over and out now. See ya. Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 I hope that expressing your feelings lifted a burden for you. I believe it will. I think it's always best to have the cold truth, no matter how much it hurts. It's the first stepping stone to freedom. Barr, I have a soft spot for you as you helped me last fall with your Madea pep talks. Thank you for that. Good luck to you. Life is a brutal monster sometimes. Cheery days ahead!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Alice...your telling me that you don't think his text message will give me peace was just dumb. How the hell do you know what will give me peace? What gives you the right to tell me how I will get peace. If you can't be supportive then get off this forum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Again...you are telling me what you think I will need. What arrogance. You haven't a clue how to be supportive or objective. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 I am coming in late but why be so mad. Everybody has different opinions.All of the flower sayings and god stuff was in good fun but making a point.When you have been here and while so much of these relationships end up pretty much the same way. MP Comes back fishing even when its over. That is why its also hard to let go.You will still need support with a bleeding heart. Their is many good people here that are helping in the way they know how and have already been down the same road or on the other end. You are at a good point and might need help to keep NC. I am glad he told you how it is that will give some closure. Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Barr has been doing fine. In fact, last fall it was her very positive and encouraging spirit that gave me strength. I recall her pep talks to me and they came from a place of strength when she went NC. So she had a moment, we all do in the game of life, it's real, it's natural, and it's human. And quite frankly, running off to a therapist is not always necessary, it's seems overblown to me. I think she's in a process, as we all are. Life presents challenges, it's messy, it's life! Better to process and feel the feelings, as within our feelings are answers and clues, which if we ponder enough can lead us onward. Life isn't linear when it comes to feelings. I think Barr is just fine and rummaging through someone's old posts is weak and pitiful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Thanks SP. You are right. Coming out of any sort of relationships is a process and life is not linear or easy or easily boxed up. Relationships are tricky and not always healthy. A true friend however, is someone who will sit with you in the muck and listen and still love you, even in the face of poor decisions. Maybe I should go back to youtube for a little dose of Aunt Madea 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sad puppy Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 C'mon girl, Aunt Madea will set you straight! Fire her up! She knows what's up! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Some times going through old post gives you an idea of whats going on and where their head is.Maybe some people get offended when people make comments on others relationships before having all the facts.Their is more then one side in cheating.Theirs also the person that gets cheated on that has other facts that can help.I am not trying to be rude. Just stating everyone has different relationships so not all opinions are the same.if you have an open mind to others situations then they are more open to yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Well, I watched the clip I needed to see from Madea on Relationships. Then I got an email from my BGF who is the white version of Aunt Madea - hilarious! Here is what she said about getting answers from my xmm.... "Plus, it puts YOU in control of your life as opposed to someone else. I shake my head sometimes at the bizarre meandering of XXXXX when I came home and he asked me not to be in contact with him for several weeks "while he prayed" about our future together. Bite me douchebag. How incredibly arrogant of anyone to expect someone to put their life on hold while they sit and ponder whether they will deign to be with me." Hurray for my BGF! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Through some text messages, I got the answers I needed and now feel much more at peace. He has decided to stay with his W, which was something he did not really say while we were seeing each other. I expressed myself to the extent that I wanted to and he heard me out and acknowledged my feelings. Now I feel that I can move on. Hearing him say the words (read the words I mean) makes it final. Really over forever and it will help you close your heart to him and allow you truly begin the grieving process. It's good he listened to you, that's respectful. So many don't get that bit of respect or courtesy of a nicer goodbye. Keep busy, be with friends and family. Link to post Share on other sites
FightClub Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 Barr, I meant to post a response to your thread earlier, haven't had time but I'm here now. I understand the feeling of wanting to break NC and you did what you felt was necessary, it is what it is and you have some kind of closure from this. Take it for what it's worth though, regardless of what the communication is and I mean this in the most sincere way, you are worth much more than this situation with someone who clearly doesn't recognize that. It may feel as though it's just words but truly look at who you are and understand that this whole concept of being with this person ultimately not being with you might be a sign that things are better for you else where. Feeling the comfortableness of knowing that, it helps me realize that I'm also worth more and even though dating post-affair hasn't yielded many results and I haven't 'felt' that way about another person, I'm okay knowing that there is more out there, no matter what's happening. Continue living your life, keep your head up and smile...never know who you might run into! -FC Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted July 18, 2012 Author Share Posted July 18, 2012 Thanks FC....very supportive and helpful message. Same for you WWIU. I will do just that...smile, chin up and carry on. What else can we do? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted July 18, 2012 Share Posted July 18, 2012 "A true friend however, is someone who will sit with you in the muck and listen and still love you, even in the face of poor decisions." Brilliant! I love this..... Link to post Share on other sites
TrebleClef Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 No. YOU can be sure if you want to be. I get the feeling deep down you still are hoping that eventually he'll choose you. And you'll accept him back with open arms. It'll end when you are really ready to let go in every way and truly let yourself grieve the loss, the dream of him being yours. I'm NO WHERE NEAR advice giving nor am I at the "what I would do" point. I just have a question. You say only *I* can be sure if I want it to be over between him and myself. Ok...I do not. There it is. As silly, crazy, WTH??? as it sounds, I don't. So what happens when HE ends it abruptly, adamently and concretely? Just force myself to move on like I'm doing? Bury the "but wait, I love you, and you said you loved me" that continues to pop in my head....right? Grant it, my guy is totally different from "Barr's" and mine divorced and told me he wanted to have a real relationship with me. I honestly want to know your take on this whichwayisup. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 (edited) So what happens when HE ends it abruptly, adamently and concretely? Just force myself to move on like I'm doing? Bury the "but wait, I love you, and you said you loved me" that continues to pop in my head....right? Grant it, my guy is totally different from "Barr's" and mine divorced and told me he wanted to have a real relationship with me. Hope you don't mind me chiming in. Love and relationships are a choice. You want someone who chooses you fully and who you also choose fully. That's a basic ingredient. Two people making a choice to be with each other, because they want to be with each other and want to make it work. Love isn't something you twist someone's arm about and you can't negotiate with someone about if they can love you or "but last week you said...". When they choose not to be there anymore and want it to end....it HURTS! We all know this. But it's something we have to accept. I think our immediate response is to investigate, be in denial, think they made a mistake, try to bargain with them etc. I think all of us have that response. I think a decent individual who is leaving someone they were with, tries to explain the whys and answer any questions so it's easier to move forward. It doesn't take away the hurt, and sometimes even when they tell the truth your brain refuses to accept it, and you figure you have to find a way to get them to want you again. People are free to say they love you today and choose you today and not next month. It sucks, but it's true. Most of us want someone who is consistent, who will not only love us today, but tomorrow and other days. Relationships teach us lessons and not all are meant to last forever, learning that made me more accepting of the endings of them. It doesn't take away the hurt, but I understand now that I don't need to cling for dear life as though I will never love again. Because you do. For me, all my relationships that end, ended for a reason. I have no "lost love". I believe if we parted ways, it's because that lesson was over and I need to move forward and I'll meet other people. Hopefully, I do meet someone that I can grow with and who will be a life partner. We all want someone who will be consistent and who will be upfront and honest if things change. If a man doesn't want to be with you anymore, after any initial talks about why....you have to accept that they made that choice and also tell yourself that, if they do not choose you, it wasn't meant to be obviously. You have to mourn it, accept it and move forward. All that happens when you try to chase after someone who doesn't choose you is you lose a bit of your dignity...trust me. Read the Breaks and Breaking Up section. Most people regret when they harassed their ex, constantly send them lengthy emails or texts, show up at their door, etc. in an attempt to sway their decision. You can't. You don't want to. You want someone who is with you because they want to be....not because you had to bargain with them and remind them that they said they loved you last week/month/year. Edited July 19, 2012 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
TrebleClef Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Hope you don't mind me chiming in. Love and relationships are a choice. You want someone who chooses you fully and who you also choose fully. That's a basic ingredient. Two people making a choice to be with each other, because they want to be with each other and want to make it work. Love isn't something you twist someone's arm about and you can't negotiate with someone about if they can love you or "but last week you said...". When they choose not to be there anymore and want it to end....it HURTS! We all know this. But it's something we have to accept. I think our immediate response is to investigate, be in denial, think they made a mistake, try to bargain with them etc. I think all of us have that response. I think a decent individual who is leaving someone they were with, tries to explain the whys and answer any questions so it's easier to move forward. It doesn't take away the hurt, and sometimes even when they tell the truth your brain refuses to accept it, and you figure you have to find a way to get them to want you again. People are free to say they love you today and choose you today and not next month. It sucks, but it's true. Most of us want someone who is consistent, who will not only love us today, but tomorrow and other days. Relationships teach us lessons and not all are meant to last forever, learning that made me more accepting of the endings of them. It doesn't take away the hurt, but I understand now that I don't need to cling for dear life as though I will never love again. Because you do. For me, all my relationships that end, ended for a reason. I have no "lost love". I believe if we parted ways, it's because that lesson was over and I need to move forward and I'll meet other people. Hopefully, I do meet someone that I can grow with and who will be a life partner. We all want someone who will be consistent and who will be upfront and honest if things change. If a man doesn't want to be with you anymore, after any initial talks about why....you have to accept that they made that choice and also tell yourself that, if they do not choose you, it wasn't meant to be obviously. You have to mourn it, accept it and move forward. All that happens when you try to chase after someone who doesn't choose you is you lose a bit of your dignity...trust me. Read the Breaks and Breaking Up section. Most people regret when they harassed their ex, constantly send them lengthy emails or texts, show up at their door, etc. in an attempt to sway their decision. You can't. You don't want to. You want someone who is with you because they want to be....not because you had to bargain with them and remind them that they said they loved you last week/month/year. ...or a couple of hours prior... Wow MissBee...absolutely profound. U and whichwayisup should collaborate, write a self help article, book, blog or something. Yes? Link to post Share on other sites
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