My 6 Year Old Son's Behavior

[venusianx13]

My little boy does not have any problems listening in school or when he is away from home. The reports that come home frankly shock me, because they say he is so polite and well mannered. At home, the story is very different. I do believe I am partly to blame, and part of it may be situational, as his father and I have been apart for most of his life, and he goes back and forth between our homes. He is primarily with me, though, and I am starting to think that I have spoiled him. As he's gotten older, he's become very demanding, argumentative, disrespectful and often times very rude. The other 50% of the time, he is fantastic and we have a great time together.

 

His 7th birthday is on Tuesday, and I plan on having an immediate family get together for it. On Saturday the 21st, I planned on having extended family and friends over for a party. However, his behavior today was way out of line, while I was trying to clean and prepare the house for guests. I gave him several chances to turn his behavior around, yet he blew each one. I am at the point of cancelling his party due to his behavior. It breaks my heart, but I feel I need to follow through with it because he just does not listen to me or take me seriously. I want him to learn a lesson and understand consequences of his behavior. Also, I really resent throwing a party for a little boy who is so disrespectful toward me.

 

My question is: Is this just TOO mean of me? Would I be wrong to cancel his party? And if I do end up cancelling it, do you think he will truly learn a lesson from it?

 

Advice appreciated.

[spiderowl]

Maybe it would be better enforcing the respect in smaller things on a regular basis? Like if he's rude to you, deprive him of something he wanted but not such a big thing. But make sure to reward him for good behaviour too. It's really easy to take the good things for granted because they are not causing you to stop what you're doing, e.g. housework. I think it's hard because parents are always busy doing the things to keep the money coming in and keep the house in a decent state for their child, so it's hard to find time to do these things. It's OK for behaviourists to talk as if it's easy. None of us like upsetting our children and are quite often too tired to cope with difficult behaviour. You can only do your best.

[venusianx13]

Thanks, spiderowl, I do struggle with this constantly... I do my best to discipline him when he misbehaves or disrespects me, but nothing I do seems to phase him. That is why I am so close to cancelling this party. I'm wondering if this will be the lesson he needs to make him understand. I've tried time out, taking away privileges, even getting rid of toys... nothing changes his behavior. I've had talks with him, and at times, yell at him when he is really out of control. I rarely, if ever, spank him because I believe it only teaches him but to be violent, but maybe I'm wrong? I was spanked as a child, and I NEVER behaved the way my son does. Something is seriously wrong here. I've also considered seeing a therapist with him in order to deal with this. However, at this point I really am close to cancelling his party... I don't WANT to, but I gave him a ton of chances, and I've really run out of patience.

[princess_e]

Hey,

sorry to hear about your situation, parenting is a tough job! I am not a parent myself but I do have a spoiled younger sister and am constantly seeking ways to fix that. Its good that he is young still, he is in his teachable years so take advantage of this opportunity. He clearly has the potential to be polite and well-mannered as you said, outside the home to others. There are ways to condition him into taking you seriously as a mother but it requires a lot of hard work... I think the most important factors are : Consistency/reinforcement, assertiveness and establishing boundaries. If you already said you are going to cancel the birthday party, then you should keep your word and do that as much as it hurts you. I know its easy for me to say and do that since I dont have any emotional ties to your son, but if you dont cancel the party it sends him the message that you dont really beleive in consequences either, and that you get mad and say things but eventually will forget about it. You really have to handle his misbehaviour objectively, do not show too many emotions (even if you feel them - keep your cool) and treat it as a routine. If someone parks their car in front of a no parking sign, they are going to get a fine for it. If they park it there again, they will get another fine. If they keep parking it there, they will have more and more fines, and so they eventually stop when the consequences are just not worth them parking there. Your son did something wrong.. he should face the consequences... and if he straightens up maybe you could throw him a belated birthday gathering to make up for missing the first one? I do not think you are wrong for cancelling it, people need some sort of consequences in order to curb their bad behaviour but if these consequences are random and infrequent then the person will most likely keep up the behaviour seeing as they can get away with it most of the time anyway. If you dont teach this to your son now, he may have to learn in another way that has worse consequences. He may not learn from this punishment immediately, i believe his behaviour will become worse before it neutralizes. Hes probably going to try to challenge you even more to break the punishment cycle, but if you keep a strict routine he most likely will give up over time seeing that rebelling does not work and just follow the rules. I know you love your son, and want him to be happy but you need to establish clear boundaries of things you just will not tolerate despite your love for him, he needs to understand that just because you love him and he is very comfortable with you- it does not mean he can do whatever he wants. I would suggest you to be firm with your punishment, if you say it you really should follow through on it, and make sure not to not punish too hastily, only when really needed. A suggestion with the punishment is to maybe classify his misbehaviour as either "mild" "moderate" or "severe" and choose your method of punishment based on the level of misbehaviour. If he misbehaves mildly, punish mildly, such as maybe taking away some toys or not letting him watch his tv show for a day. If he misbehaves moderately, find a punishment that is a little more heavy, and if he severely misbehaves I think its good to show some anger (dont be too emotional about it though, just enough for him to know you are seriously seriously mad- make sure you distinguish it from his mild/moderate acts) and maybe give him a spanking and other multiple consequences as well. The reason being for this is so he gets appropriate punishment for his actions, not just random screamings and random consequences, he will hopefully be able to distinguish small wrongdoings from big wrongdoings as the consequences will be different. He will not handle this well at first, itll take time before he adjusts to these rules and understands. It is also important to continually provide explanations for why you want him to stop his behaviour and why he is getting the punishment, try the 3 strike rule where you will first start of with a warning (please stop now), and then remind him again of the warning (I have told you to stop nicely earlier can you please stop?) and if he still doesn't listen tell him you have no choice but to punish him and mention how you gave him 2 chances already. Even when he is being punished, remain supportive but firm about how you are doing this for his good and he needs to learn that his actions will always have consequences. Try not to be emotional about it,and carry it out as a routinely task (as if you were parking enforcement handing out tickets and just doing your job- they dont care if you come up to them crying and whining about the fine you just got they tell you to not park there again, there are exceptionally nice ones though)

 

So thats all the advice I have for you, hope I was some help, from my personal experience those 3 factors (consistency, assertiveness and establishing boundaries) are very important and I see the lack of those factors from my parents contributing to the way my sister is today. Dont give up right away when he doesnt listen immediately, I can almost guarantee it will get worse before it gets better as it does for most people experiencing change (especially bad change) but keep up your firm disciplining ways and in a few months hopefully he will be tired of trying to break the new cycle and just adapt to it. Have a plan, be firm about it, minimally emotional and persistent! He is capable of behavioural modifications and needs you to teach him about the reality of life (consequences)! Best of luck, I may have been a little repetitive with some things but I hope this will help you in your parenting ways !

[princess_e]

Also I forgot to mention, try not to be naggy or too repetitive. When you say something, say it firmly and say it once only. Dont over explain yourself, just what he needs to know. My mom always nags and repeats things to my sister over and over and over again, it is least effective and my mom just seems almost desperate for her compliance by begging instead of providing appropriate consequences.

[venusianx13]

Yes, I completely agree... words really hold no merit until you put actions behind them. I do realize I threaten a lot, and when his grandparents have chance to discipline him, they also make idle threats... it's not very often that threats to punish are followed through with because they are most often stated in anger, and are sometimes a bit too harsh to actually carry through (such as going to bed immediately, even when it's still daytime.)

 

Because his grandparents see him often, and I also do this, I'm going to try and sit down with them and get everyone on the same page with discipline. If we threaten to punish and he continues to behave badly, it needs to be something that is realistic and WILL be followed through with, not just held over his head until he realizes it won't happen.

 

I appreciate the advice, thanks!!

[3DRocks]

There's no reason for a child to be a disrespectful crazy child. I think the core of the problem is consistency. You've already said you have an issue with that, so I'd start there. Things like -

 

- Bed times every night at a set time ( I recommend no later than 8, since he's 6)

- Lose a toy every time there's an issue, don't argue just tell him "You were disrespectful, go get a toy. If you choose not to, I will go get two toys for you."

If there's arguing or tempertantrum, start counting, for each few seconds he loses another toy.

- Standing in the corner for five minutes sometimes helps

- I'd avoid spanking, because it sounds like you are overwhelmed, and you never want to spank because of anger or when you're mad. If you are calm, that may be different

 

Keep the party, but make it clear that he doesn't get to play with any toys / gifts if he acts up.

 

Talk to the ex too. Married or not, you both have a responsibility in raising this child. You may get some ideas about whats going right and wrong with the ex's approach.

[venusianx13]

Thanks for the reply... definitely, consistency is a major issue, because I'll go on thinking his dad is on the same page as me, and find out later that he's doing things differently. I try to schedule little meet-ups, but as we get closer to the date or meeting time, he ends up blowing me off. We have a pretty okay relationship, the hard times seem to be behind us, which is good for our son. But again, we are not on the same page about a lot of things... and it's disruptive. These are always things I intend to address during a meeting, but those always end up dissolving. So, I end up writing an email instead, which goes in one ear and out the other.

 

I'm actually very patient with my son. People constantly ask me how I don't lose it. But I'm wearing thin. Tonight, he was relatively well behaved as we celebrated his actual birthday, with my immediate family and his dad's. It was nice to have everyone together for him. He got a lot of nice gifts, but I was a little disheartened at his reaction at the end of the evening. There was one gift he may or may not have mentioned to me that he didn't receive. He was disappointed, and seemed relatively ungrateful, which angered me.

[whichwayisup]

Don't cancel the party, that's too much..But, what you can do is, the next day tell him now there are consquences ... meaning - NO TV. NO video games, NO phonecalls, NO computer. Put your foot down and explain to him that since he is acting out and not listening to you, being rude etc, that is why he is being punished. Tell him that you love him but don't like his behaviour..And that if he wants computer time or whatever, his behaviour MUST change for the punishment to be reversed.

 

Tough love but with a gentle tone. Yelling at him goes in one ear and out the other.

 

He IS a good kid, he's just testing you to see how far he can push you, what your breaking point is, how much he can get away with. ALL kids do this, so don't feel bad or feel like you're not doing a good job..You are! Hey, he is respectful and good in school, and I'm sure his friends houses, right? That is a sign of boy brought up well.

[turnera]

, t home, the story is very different. I do believe I am partly to blame, and part of it may be situational, as his father and I have been apart for most of his life, and he goes back and forth between our homes. He is primarily with me, though, and I am starting to think that I have spoiled him.

There's your problem. You KNOW you spoil him.

 

Remember that YOU are the adult. YOUR word goes.

 

Example: my DH always worried that DD was eating enough. When I would cook dinner, perfectly wonderful food, and she would balk, I'd just say "Fine! You'll have this for breakfast." and I would save the food for breakfast. DH would go apoplecticm, sneak her a PB&J. I would stop it. I am the parent, SHE is the child, and she will eat what I want her to eat, or go hungry. Today, DD21's favorite foods are salad and sushi and she always tries everything at least once.

 

BE the adult.

[turnera]

Thanks, spiderowl, I do struggle with this constantly... I do my best to discipline him when he misbehaves or disrespects me, but nothing I do seems to phase him.

The best and most important speech I've ever heard is from a speaker at a PTA meeting. He'd been watching parents come into the elementary school all day long before he spoke.

 

He told us that bringing up a forgotten lunch bag or forgotten homework is BAD for your kid - let them experience failure in elementary or intermediate school, where the failures will NOT affect their GPA.

 

Time to be the adult.

[turnera]

It was nice to have everyone together for him. He got a lot of nice gifts, but I was a little disheartened at his reaction at the end of the evening. There was one gift he may or may not have mentioned to me that he didn't receive. He was disappointed, and seemed relatively ungrateful, which angered me.

Well, duh, you have spoiled him. How else is he supposed to act? You have taught him that what he GETS is more important than WHO HE IS.

 

If my DD21 did that back then, I would have punished her immediately for acting so entitled, so deserving of 'something' from 'anyone.'

[turnera]

btw, STOP being his entertainment manager. If he wants to hang out with a friend, let HIM ask for it.

[Radu]

He has with time ... developed resistance to your forms of punishment.

And what's worse, he has gotten used to not being punished when he is being told he will be punished.

I think you need to cancel his party.

The party will be a big event, he will be high with happines from it for a long time after it, do you want to wait around for him to come down ?

Talk to your grandparents, talk to your ex [depending on how long the kid has to stay with him], and then cancel it.

 

He will be mad at you, a lot, but don't let yourself be phased by this.

Same for his grandparents, they need to be on board with this.

But kids don't stay mad forever, they don't have much attention span.

So just be fair with him, consistent ... do not use this again, it has a better place as a deterrent.

Go with small punishments, you will have his attention now, and start identifying what he likes [so you can take it away with punishment].

 

Someone above said to take phone an internet privileges and what not.

Excuse me ???

A 6yr old in your experience has a phone, internet in his room and gaming consoles ?

That DOES NOT sound right with me.

 

PS: I remembered a story a friend of mine told it to me.

During HS he was a bit of a troublemaker at home and didn't study well even though he was brilliant, and one day when his mom couldn't take it anymore she kicked him out for the night.

He slept on the welcome mat in front of their apartment door.

He never disobeyed his parents again, he finished engineering and is working on his doctoral thesis.

I'm not saying you do the same, but there is something to bringing out the big guns.

[3DRocks]

Are you sure you are being patient versus letting him walk on you? I'v seen many parents who think they are being 'patient' but really aren't parenting. Its hard to take a tough stance, but if you don"t establish the rules of respect and good attitude as the norm, think what you'll be dealing with when he's a teenager.

 

You've got a hard road, but chin up!

[turnera]

The best speech I ever heard was a man at a PTA meeting. He said he'd seen parents coming up to the elementary school all day long, bringing forgotten lunches, homework and books.

 

He said if you forget your kid's lunch, school will give him a PB&J. He won't starve. But he MAY remember to bring his lunch tomorrow.

 

He said if you forget his 3rd grade homework, Harvard isn't going to check his elementary school grades. But if you don't let him get a 0 in 3rd grade, if you cover for him, he'll still be expecting you to cover for him in college.

 

He said, let your kid make mistakes in 3rd grade, when the result isn't that bad, compared to the BIGGER mistakes he'll be making in college, when you're no longer there to protect him.

[venusianx13]

Someone above said to take phone an internet privileges and what not.

Excuse me ???

A 6yr old in your experience has a phone, internet in his room and gaming consoles ?

That DOES NOT sound right with me.

 

 

 

Haha, no, he doesn't have phone or internet privileges... no way. He also felt entitled to an allowance because when he is at his dad's he gets one regardless of if he's done chores or not. My condition to him was that he could get a small allowance each week ($3), IF he did the chores I set out for him. When it comes time to do chores, he argues. So, I haven't given an allowance yet. And I remind him of that every time he asks about his (lack of) allowance.

 

I feel like I'm getting better at being firm but fair, but I see that he gets away with a LOT at his dad's house. It's maddening. His worst behavior comes just after he's returned from a visit with his dad. During the summer, his grandmother (dad's mother) watches him when he visits there while his dad works. I see her introducing him to very bad habits (such as eating fast food a few times a week - I NEVER get my son fast food, ever), allowing him to drink soda (which I DON'T allow), not punishing for bad behavior... I've voiced these concerns to his father, and he seems to hear me, but again, it goes right out his other ear. This is what makes keeping consistency in discipline while he's with me so difficult.

 

I'm keeping his party on, but kept it small. I plan on witholding his gifts if he is poorly behaved. I'm toughening up, honestly, and could care less if he cries and professes disdain for me when I punish him. I'm trying to come up with effective ways of preventing the bad behavior, though. Nothing I say seems to phase him. Perhaps I haven't been reinforcing for long enough that he clearly sees the weight of my threats to punish.

[turnera]

Have you asked his grandmother to cut back on the bad habits?

[sally4sara]

If you give a consequence for his behavior you MUST follow through. Otherwise he will respect nothing you say.

 

If you think you might change your mind after you say no, don't bother saying no at all. Save no for big stuff and instead of giving a yes to everything, make him convince you to a yes with his good behavior earning it.

 

Tell him before you enter a situation exactly what behavior you expect from him and what he can ask for if his behavior is good, if he acts, let him know he now gets nothing, if he doesn't stop leave immediately. A clever child will realize they can control their parent if the only consequence for bad behavior is leaving. Having two consequences for bad public behavior prevents the realization that they can make you leave some place once they get bored of being there.

[Radu]

My comment about the phone and internet were towards another poster, the one who mentioned them. A 6 yr old should deffinitely not have these things in his room, and only conditional access to them.

 

I think you are literally wasting your breath with your ex's mom, his grandma.

And i don't think that she will work with you on this one since it would mean for her admitting defeat with her son, and because she has become desensitized somewhat to kids, after raising one/several.

 

Tbh, i think it's tough being a good parent today in the western world; spanking in moderation was GOLD, but now it's 'abuse'.

Have you talked with a child psychiatrist or other parents with kids his age from the area ?

How much custody does the father have ?

 

One problem i can see on the horizon for now, is that if he gets used to not having stuff that you can take away from him while with you ... you will have nothing to punish him with in the future, but it will take some time to get there.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Radu

[whichwayisup]

Someone above said to take phone an internet privileges and what not.

Excuse me ???

A 6yr old in your experience has a phone, internet in his room and gaming consoles ?

That DOES NOT sound right with me.

 

LOL that was me, oops, while I was posting to you, I kind of forgot his age! Sorry about that.

 

Though the no TV and no computer use can still be punishment.

[UpwardForward]

I didn't read all of the posts .. just wanted to put my vote in: Keep the party, find another way to punish him.

 

Also, is it just my family - or do males (men & children) appear to have convenient memories. If the punishment isn't instant then I recommend printing the details of the crime on a sheet of paper or blackboard for him to read as often as necessary until you able to deal with him ..

[wow04]

I have taught my kids "Different houses different rules." When they come back from their dad's I hug and kiss them. I then remind them that my rules apply. The first day back is always the roughest. They understand the different houses different rules. My three year old has even told my nine year old we can't do that at Mommy's.

 

I can also tell you that my lawyer told me that what happens at their dad's is none of my business as long as they aren't being abused or neglected. You can't control if he gets pop or fast food at his dad's. You can only control what happens when he is at your house.

[Els]

I'm keeping his party on, but kept it small. I plan on witholding his gifts if he is poorly behaved. I'm toughening up, honestly, and could care less if he cries and professes disdain for me when I punish him. I'm trying to come up with effective ways of preventing the bad behavior, though. Nothing I say seems to phase him. Perhaps I haven't been reinforcing for long enough that he clearly sees the weight of my threats to punish.

 

No better time to start than now.

 

Honestly, I don't think taking away the party is too harsh, at all. It would have been too harsh for minor misbehaviours, such as forgetting to put his toys away, but for repeated disrespectful behaviour even after multiple warnings? That is a sign that you have let him get away with too much for too long, IMO. Especially when you say that 'nothing you say seems to phase him'.

 

If you had threatened, during the misbehaving, that you would cancel the party if he continued to misbehave, you should stick to your word. If you hadn't, THIS instance of misbehaviour still needs addressing. If you keep putting punishment off ('if he misbehaves again during the party', etc), he'll never learn.

[3DRocks]

Hope it works out for you. You've got some good advice from folk IMO.