Tragedi67 Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Hello all, Well here's my story. I'm recently divorced as of March 13, was separated since July of last year. My ex cheated on me and blamed me for the divorce due to the fact that he didn't love me the way he used to. Well since the divorce was final, I've been having a hard time with guys that I've dated. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever feel normal and in love again. I keep relating to things that happened in my marriage which keep me from thinking that the guy I'm dating now will leave me too because he won't want to put up with my what seems extreme moodiness and anger. I was in therapy last year, but unfortunately can't afford to go back now. The guy I'm dating is very sweet, patient. He tells me that he'll wait for me to get over this cause he cares about me. Yet he hasn't been through this before, I'm only his second gf. I just don't understand why he wants to stick around when I've been treating him like crap lately. He has some issues with the way he puts things.....it makes me feel like he's being a smart a** but he's not, and I guess this sarcasm or humor has kept him from making friends,so he's willing to change for me and himself. Yet I keep finding insignificant things to bicker at him about, and I feel like he'll leave just cause he'll tire of putting up with it. So my friends tell me I should: try to get over this insecurity (or rejection maybe) and that maybe he's actually a decent guy who'll treat me good. So far he has. So I'm at a loss for what to do. Any answers anyone?? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 It's natural for someone to feel a little toxic after a divorce, and he should know that. It's his decision to remain with you under these circumstances, although you shouldn't expect him to tolerate anything from you he wouldn't tolerate from anyone else. Now that you're dating, I think the best thing to do is for both of you to take it slowly. He should let you feel your way through this one and give you some space. You should also be careful not to rush into anything yourself. Take time and when the subject comes up, just be honest and open about how you feel and why you feel that way. Communication is imperative. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragedi67 Posted July 15, 2004 Author Share Posted July 15, 2004 Anyone else with some words of wisdom? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 What kind of answer do you want? If you're acting like a twit to him, cut it out. Are you falling for him? Then tell yourself you'll lose that which you desire if you keep acting this way and get a rein on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Stop being afraid to live because you might hurt one day. Stop pushing someone away because you're worried you might get hurt. If you don't take chances you'll never know. You think you're the first person with a broken heart? We've all had them. We'll continue to have them. It's as much a part of life as being head over heels in love. You can either fear it or embrace it. Link to post Share on other sites
chocoholic Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 You cant take out what has hapend to you in the past on your current guy. He wasnt there and didnt do it. If you are having all these negative feelings still, maybe you arent ready to be dating. Maybe you need more time. If so, tell him. If he really does care, he will understand and remain just your friend until you are ready to date. Link to post Share on other sites
hurricane495 Posted July 15, 2004 Share Posted July 15, 2004 Well Ive been seperated since october and i moved out in december after 5 yrs the day i moved out that same nite she went out on a date(Tell me she wasnt cheating) but im seeing someone taking it very slow and shes already been seeing this guy for months and already has him staying over if you like him and he likes you tell him how you feel and you wanna make it work but take it slow cause you are going through a divorce Link to post Share on other sites
rolo Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Well, speaking as the sweet and patient guy, all I can say is that not all men are dogs. I hope you can look back and think of me as the exception to the rule . I really cared about you and sadly I didn't realize that I loved you until after I left this morning. I kept telling myself I couldn't feel genuine love for you until you showed me you were over your ex-husband, but I realized too late that I was just using a defense mechanism. I know that now because of how I feel now I guess it's all the same, since you said you didn't have "those" type feelings for me yet, and you didn't know if you could have them for anyone anytime soon. Perhaps I shouldn't have told you I was falling in love with you a few days ago...I didn't want to scare you away. I wanted you to know how I felt, not to give you flashbacks of the past . And as for treating me like "crap", all I can say is that you had the same kind of mood swings most women I know have, maybe just a little bit more. I'm used to it, and that's why it didn't bother me that much. You're being too hard on yourself, and you shouldn't be. I always thought the good times with you far outweighed the bad times...I just wish you had thought the same about me . I tried my best. Link to post Share on other sites
DazednConfused Posted July 21, 2004 Share Posted July 21, 2004 Interesting development.... never seen this happen before. I think you both care very much for each other, and if you blow it off, you will be sorry. Just my humble opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted July 22, 2004 Moderators Share Posted July 22, 2004 If both posts above are genuine, and about the same relationship, I would say you both are very lucky to have found the type of partner you have in each other. Both of you appear to be extremely good people. It's clear that (if the poster above is the gentleman in question) you have a really good guy that is willing to help you work through your issues. The past is the past. The series of specific things that came up in your marriage that make you hesitant to trust and love completely in your current relationship, are not directly comparable to each other in all ways. Essentially, the issues that led to the breakdown of your marriage are not in operation here. Things can look like they are in some ways, but they may be no more than normal male-female dynamics that every couple experiences in their love lives. Don't unwittingly break things down with this fella, merely as a result of a broken/hesitant heart created in the past. Ask him to help you love once more. Love is very much, at the very core, a choice. Choose to leave the past where it belongs...in the past. If the gentleman in question reads this post, I would like to say thank-you to him on behalf of all the decent guys here. It is obvious from your post that you genuinely feel love for this lady, and you express it in a genuine, heartfelt fashion. I would only ask that you consider returning to her at this point. She has suffered a lot of emotional pain, and as you clearly understand, will need you to be very patient with her as her heart learns to love again. This is not to say that she can let the past weigh her down of course. But, work with her. Imagine the rewards you both will glean from growing together in this way. Go back, take her in your arms, and tell her that you love her. Let her know that she can trust her heart in your hands, and that you'll be there to build her trust in you both as time goes by. Know that words have power. Don't let hastily chosen words erode her love, when it is clearly striving to grow. Trust is very hard to gain in a person, and it's even more difficult to rebuild it after it has gone. However, part of the process of healing involves allowing yourself to make the choice to love, and after a while, trust completely again. Don't let the past weigh you down. It is gone. Forgive, forget, and ask God to help you both find shelter in each other's love. We're rooting for ya both. God bless and good luck. Keep us informed. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tragedi67 Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 Thank you to all whom have posted so far. Yes the post from rolo is yes the guy that I was dating, and I unfortunately let go of because I was afraid of the past happening again and feeling worthless. I know now that I must go on with my life and forget the painful memory of my marriage, but I don't think I can do that by dating and not being able to feel wholeheartily feelings of love. I can admit that yes I did have feelings for him but I wasn't sure if I could love him cause of the emptiness from the past. Should I give him another chance after I left him saying what I said and how I thought that maybe dating others would help me to decide who I wanted in the long run? I DON'T KNOW! Link to post Share on other sites
havNfun Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Why can't I just stop labeling all men as dogs! because you haven't met me yet! lol in all seriousness, there must be something more - something you don't like about this rolo guy?? are you not attracted to his looks? I ask because 2+2 is not adding up to 4 with this story? Why aren't you running after this guy? something is fishy Link to post Share on other sites
vanandme4him Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 when you're heart is healed and ready to love freely again, it'll happen. i believe that with all my heart. you have recently suffered a tremendous blow and your emotional self is in self-survival mode. don't fret. i'm in the same boat and managed to freak myself out soooooo much that i had turned into a heartless woman, that i HAD to start believing the advice i'm giving to you. Slow down, let yourself recover and find out who you are, what you want, etc? Then...just like that...you'll be able to love again and not be so cynical about men and their intentions/feelings. Hopefully, I'll get there someday too. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
rolo Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Originally posted by havNfun there must be something more - something you don't like about this rolo guy?? are you not attracted to his looks? I ask because 2+2 is not adding up to 4 with this story? Why aren't you running after this guy? something is fishy In talking with her, I get the feeling that she is comparing me to her ex in some ways, and as a result, thinks our relationship will end the same way. She's also mentioned a problem with my sarcasm in some situations, and that's actually something I've been trying to tone down from before I met her (still working on it!). Other than that, only she knows what she doesn't like about me. I've tried reassuring her that I take after the best man I know, my father. He's been married to my mom for 28 years, has worked for the same company 29 years, and has only been late on 1 bill his entire life. Not only that, he is truly a man of his word, as I have never seen or heard him lie to anyone. I am not as good a man as my father, but I am similar in that I would never cheat on my significant other, I am reliable, and I'm honest. At this point, I don't really know what to do. And before I forget, I appreciate the input of everyone who has contributed to this thread. Right now is a very confusing time for tragedi and I, and you all are helping us sort through the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted July 23, 2004 Moderators Share Posted July 23, 2004 Perhaps a little cool-off period may, in fact, be in order. It's clear from your recent posts, Tradgedi, that you may need more time to heal after the finality of the divorce has set in. Do you think you could talk to a counsellor about your fears, etc.? In the meantime, I believe you have a great guy there in rolo. He clearly loves you very much, and appears as honest and sincere as any dude a gal could probably meet. I suppose it's a decision that you will need to ultimately make right now. Do you both feel that you give each other what you need to be happy? Or is the whole thing so confused now with the post-marital trust issues that it's difficult to get a good "read" on the situation? I really think that talking to a professional might be a great step right now. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
rolo Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Thanks for your insight, Curt- I doubt there will be a second chance, as she is making it clear she needs time and space with other men. "I care, but not enough and I'm not sure if these feelings would come or not". This makes me feel like I am not good enough for her, and that I will be just a backup if things fall through with the new prospects. I also feel that she might just be dating men only through the "honeymoon" phase of relationships to help her deal with her pain. She knows she needs time alone to sort through her life, but she's unwilling to take the time and is instead hopping from relationship to relationship. I know she has been talking with a divorced man through y! messenger for at least a week, and he probably relates to her (divorce) pain better than I can...misery loves company. It baffles me that she would be willing to toss the last few months away with me, especially for a guy that has that baggage. In my opinion, the more baggage in a relationship, the more it is doomed to fail. I was able to look past the baggage she was carrying- sexual past, drug-using past, divorce, failed rebounds, bad finances and upcoming bankruptcy- and see who she was on the inside. A new man with his own set of baggage might not be able to do the same (her prior dating history suggests that). Regardless, I'm pretty much ready to walk away and not look back so that I can move on with my dating life. I'm not about to force the issue since she doesn't seem receptive in the slightest. She just says she's confused and doesn't know what to do... even though a lot of people she's asked (friends and here) seem to agree we should continue dating. I'm certain there's someone out there that will accept and embrace me for who I am... Link to post Share on other sites
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