Engaged and feelings about having children have changed

[doggydays]

So my fiancé and I have been together for 5 years and have been engaged for about 6mo. We aren't big on tradition and ceremony so haven't even set a date, but that's not an issue. He proposed because it just seemed like "it was time." We have a wonderful relationship and I have zero complaints. We support one another, have fun together and co-habitate together wonderfully.

 

The thing is, earlier in our relationship we briefly talked about kids ect, ect. I said "sure, I'd like to have kids someday." Sort of the noncommittal response that usually goes with those surface kind of talks. We were never in a rush. It's come up a couple times as we've gotten older, but not recently (both around 30 now). Now, I don't know if I want kids anymore. The more I think about it, the more I realize I've never really liked kids all that much.

 

I don't relate to them, I didn't play with dolls or house growing up, I don't feel all that comfortable talking to people under 18, I've always enjoyed the company of older people. Even in high school I related to my teachers better sometimes than I did with my peers. When I see babies I don't have any urge to have one, or to go gaga over someone elses'.

 

So how can I broach the subject at this stage in the game? I don't feel like I mis-led him because at one point I thought I did want kids. Things have just recently changed in my heart and I'm owning up to the realization I don't want kids. I know he wants to eventually have children, but I don't know if it would be a deal breaker. I know we would make good parents and I would consider having one, if it was indeed a deal breaker. But him knowing I was only doing it to make him happy would be just as bad as not having one and breaking things off. He is a fairly sensitive person.

 

I know that people will say "If your relationship is indeed that solid, you should be able to discuss this openly." I guess my question is how to start the conversation and what to do if it gets ugly? I think he will be terribly hurt. I suppose counseling would be an option.

 

So what to do?

Edited July 16, 2012 by doggydays

[Balzac]

I'd say talk about it and the usual options. You'd have career consequences to consider and the obvious thought is a nanny. Perhaps he is not in any hurry to decide anyway.

[pink_sugar]

I guess to determine how to answer this, you have to ask yourself, if your relationship stronger than your thoughts of not wanting a baby? But then again, anyone who has children should do it because they really want to. My dad didn't want kids, my mom did. They divorced after my brother and I and my dad has held resentment against her ever since.

[BluGamma]

I have friends who have/are in the same thought process as you. Most of them have told me that its the thought of having to go through all the stress that kids bring with them.

 

For suggestions, have you told your fiancee this? like have you told him that you don't know if you actually want kids or not?

 

Another thing aswell is do you like the idea of starting your own family with the person you love?

 

This is how you're feeling and you should let him know, in my eyes he would probably be more hurt from you not telling him how you feel then compared to you not wanting kids.

 

Starting that sort of convo can be awkward if its bugging you alot then just tell him, try not to be so blunt with it but just let him know how you feel, to start the convo why dont you just say to him that something is playing on your mind?

Edited July 24, 2012 by BluGamma

[TripLine]

Marriage is about family and kids compliment a family. You better hurry up and let your thoughts be known rather than waste time.