Parents complaining to engaged son they don't see him enough!

[ehehef]

This might sound funny from a 30-year-old guy, but my parents are actually complaining about not seeing me enough! I live with them (yes, I know it sounds strange, the reasons are many), recently got engaged, and might be moving in with my fiancee well before the wedding (which will be next spring) but my father can't seem to stop complaining that I'm not home enough, hardly see them enough, and that I am "alienating" myself from my parents because of my fiancee.

 

I stay at her place on weekends, and we're together almost every other weekday, which means I'm not often home early enough to eat with my folks or talk to them a lot, as I used to do. And I'm an only child, which can only complicate things for them.

 

So is this just another "they're scared they're going to lose you?" story? Or that now they're "competing for my affection" with my fiancee? We see my parents together as a couple every 2 or 3 weeks, especially over the past few weeks when we have a lot of work at the office, personal obligations, and just a whole lot of stuff on our mind!

 

Those of you who want to reply might want to check out my previous post, "Fiancee and father not getting along" from June 17th, in the Family forum...since we're talking about the same father and the same fiancee!

 

Any thoughts?

[Debster]

Same thing I said earlier. Your parents have you by the short and curlys and are now trying to make you decide between them and your fiance.

 

Either move out and set some boundaries with your parents or make peace with the fact that your parents will run your life forever (and you may lose your fiance).

[ehehef]

I decided to set some serious boundaries and wrote a long letter to my father a while ago which he took in stride and actually told me that the things I was asking for in it were not that hard to do. I told him that I would not accept complaints about my fiancee, or him making me feel guilty for not spending time with my parents or not being home at certain times.

 

The issue might be how much my fiancee IS actually drawing me away from my parents, and how much I'm letting her. How do you know when it's just a natural progression of things, or whether it's too much and those who complain might actually have a point?

 

To me it seems that a guy wanting to spend more time to be with and support his fiancee (not to mention in order to plan a wedding!) should not take ANY whining from parents who probably still see him as "their little boy"...

 

What PISSES ME OFF most of all is my father complaining to his friends and (apparently) having "statistics" show that "most other couples" don't behave like us... they're not as "secretive" about their wedding planning, and they don't "avoid" the groom's parents...

 

My fiancee has repeatedly asked me not to discuss her personal issues and OUR wedding planning with my parents, so they don't get involved. It's VERY hard for me to do, when I've gotten used to talking about just about everything with them, as if they're my siblings or best friends.

 

A.

[ehehef]

Previous post got cut off... grrr!

 

Anyway, all this probably just takes TIME to sort out, and I might have to set some boundaries with my fiancee as well: that I won't take complaints from her about my parents and not really wanting to spend time with them, even though there will be plenty of times when she may not have a choice (social obligations, you know).

 

And I think I have to be more "casual" about getting them all to spend more time together, to see whether my father will be more careful around us now that I expressed to him my "boundaries" and to also let my fiancee (hopefully) see that they're not all that bad people!

[Debster]

I decided to set some serious boundaries and wrote a long letter to my father a while ago which he took in stride and actually told me that the things I was asking for in it were not that hard to do. I told him that I would not accept complaints about my fiancee, or him making me feel guilty for not spending time with my parents or not being home at certain times.

 

You have already discussed this with your dad and he agreed that your requests were reasonable - but yet he is STILL complaining about it and trying to pin it on your fiance. Obviously your letter didn't work. Realize that your parents are NOT going to change - so you have to.

 

The issue might be how much my fiancee IS actually drawing me away from my parents, and how much I'm letting her.

Jeez, your parents sure know how to play you. Now they actually have you believing it.

 

What PISSES ME OFF most of all is my father complaining to his friends and (apparently) having "statistics" show that "most other couples" don't behave like us... they're not as "secretive" about their wedding planning, and they don't "avoid" the groom's parents...

 

I would tell your parents that maybe the people in his statistics don't have to deal with such overbearing, controlling parents.

 

My fiancee has repeatedly asked me not to discuss her personal issues and OUR wedding planning with my parents, so they don't get involved. It's VERY hard for me to do, when I've gotten used to talking about just about everything with them, as if they're my siblings or best friends.

 

This is the real issue and it won't go away. Your future wife wants a man who will be her husband and put the two of you first. Your parents want a child/best friend who will put them first. Both can't get what they want. You need to decide.

 

IMO, time is not what you need. It will only make things worse. You need to make a decision AND move out. My god, you are thirty!!!

 

BTW, if I was your fiance I would have had enough. You are too attached to your parents and IMO would put your parents thoughts/feelings etc before your wifes. Definitely not a marriage I would want. Or would want for any of my friends.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't think it has as much to do with your fiancé as you might think. It's more about them having made you the center of their universe...and without you around, they don't know what else to do with themselves. The delayed "empty nest" syndrome.

 

I won't go into all the horrible details, but we had the same problem with my ex in-laws. So bad in fact, that it landed everyone in family counseling. Simply put, the councilor told the folks that they had to redirect their energy towards doing things as a couple. Their children were all grown up and raised, with lives of their own, and now it was time to get out of the house and find some hobbies and interests to keep them occupied.

 

The father-in-law joined a club, the mother-in-law became a shopaholic, and they both began traveling more...even bought a winter retirement home in Florida where they began spending half the year MILES away.

 

And in case you're in need of a chuckle...I'll go ahead and tell you that before that they lived right next door! My ex-husband even worked all day at the family business, so (except for sleeping) we were never apart from them. My ex even invited them along on our honeymoon!!

 

I love close-nit families...I come from a BIG one myself, but sometimes as you know it can be a bit too much. The sooner you move out and put some distance between yourself and your folks, the easier it will be. Encourage them to go out and do things together...to enjoy their lives now that their child-rearing days are over. If they're worried about not having anyone around to help out, perhaps you can assure them if ever they need you, you're only a phone call away...or help them find a reliable handyman they can call when they're in a pinch.

 

Good luck to you and your fiancé, ehehef. It won't be a smooooth transition, but it IS doable. You both have my best wishes...and utmost sympathies. I've been in your shoes!

[ehehef]

As I wrote to a friend just now, I admit my flaws, and one flaw I have is that when someone whines and complains about something, I give a minute to try and see their point of view, even if it sounds crazy...

 

It's not always obvious when you're "balancing" successfully all the people involved in your life -- ie: parents, spouses, children, whoever is close to you.

 

But the gist of all this is probably much simpler: I know my father is unhappy with his marriage and his life at the moment, and so he's using me as an emotional crutch. He KNOWS it's not right (he's an intelligent man) but emotionally he can't help it, which is why I hear the whining and complaining.

 

I should just buy a good pair of earplugs! :-)

[HokeyReligions]

I understand that your fiance does not want your parents involved in planning the wedding -- traditionally its the woman and her family who do this. However, she could find some small thing for them to do or be in charge of or participate in some way. After all, it is their son's wedding too and they should contribute more than just the groom!

 

This is a pivotal point in your life -- your parents probably feel very left out and justifiably so if you and your fiance are not including them.

 

It's tough sometimes to find a balance between spouse and parents and still keep your sanity. It requires commitment and sacrifice and rescheduling of your lives. The transition is difficult, but once you get to the other side it will get easier.

 

My mother lives with my husband and I. Even after 5+ years of her being with us, I still sometimes find myself in the middle of a "you always take your mothers side" and "I know he's your husband, but I am your MOTHER" and it takes a bit of effort to get everyone straightened out! It is doable and maintainable though--so don't give up. Your fiance needs to be somewhat flexible too, and understanding.

 

Quality not quantity. Plan your time with your parents, fiance, and yourself so that you don't waste the time arguing or working---but enjoying each other too. Plan a special event just for you and your dad -- don't try to include the fiance in everything, just as she should have time with her parents without you.

[ehehef]

Any more thoughts on the "empty nest syndrome" from anyone?

 

It seems this is what my folks are afraid of, and my father more so since he really doesn't have my mother to turn to or talk to or spend time with (yes, they do live together, though!), especially these past few days when they're getting along like cats and dogs.

 

Another question now: how to "convince" my fiancee to spend more time with them, or at least give these folks a chance? They are nothing but polite and friendly to her when she's around, and at the last meeting (her parents came over to our house for dinner, the second time only our parents have met in private), and things went smoother than we expected...

 

At the moment, because she's stressed with other things in her life, the LAST thing she wants to hear about is my parents and to feel that I'm pressuring her in ANY WAY to "like them". I'm trying to be supportive and understanding but at the same time deep down inside I DO wish we saw my folks more, as a couple, and spoke to them more about things, just so they feel involved as well... but WITHOUT falling into the "give them an inch, they'll take a yard" trap!

 

EnigmaXOXO, I like your post... but we would NEVER invite anyone along on our honeymoon! :-D Did they attend counselling WITH you or your ex? ie.: were the kids involved? And how did anyone ever convince them to do that?

 

HokeyReligions, I have no problem involving my parents more, but I feel I have to watch my words because my parents could let something slip one day and my fiancee would know that I've been speaking with them about details... and I do NOT want to do this behind her back.

 

How about telling the truth to my fiancee -- that my parents want to be more involved, not to DO anything necessarily, but just to share in the joy of planning a wedding. And that I will not convey TOO much of their advice and opinions to her, unless we want to consider it.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Did they attend counselling WITH you or your ex?

Yes.

 

were the kids involved?

Yes.

 

And how did anyone ever convince them to do that?

Didn't take any convincing. Like everything in our lives, they HAD to be involved…invited or not. Our situation was an ampted up version of yours.

 

The original session was set up by me to get help with my husband's multiple chemical addictions. They were worried about the "family history" being discussed without their presence and requested to be included in the sessions. The councilor agreed. It only took 30 minutes of the in-laws dominating the entire session for the therapist to get the gist of what was going on behind the scenes.

 

Ever see the episode of the sitcom 'Raymond' when everyone goes to visit a councilor? Lot's of tears, finger pointing, and everyone purging themselves of their pent up resentments? It was MUCH like that!! The councilor set up several more appointments…seeing my husband, myself and my in-laws separately so that he could sort the whole mess out.

 

The whole thing was rather comical when I look back on it…a cluster-f*ck of dysfunction…and we were the poster children! However, it didn't seem so darn funny at the time. Eventually, the in-laws started talking to us again (after three glorious months of the silent treatment) and began to exercise the councilor's advice. The dust eventually settled and they began to focus more on "their" relationship and actually learned to get along much better…not only with "us"…but also with each other.

 

That poor man sure did earn his money that year…and became my unsung hero!!

 

my father more so since he really doesn't have my mother to turn to or talk to or spend time with (yes, they do live together, though!), especially these past few days when they're getting along like cats and dogs.

 

Absolutely. You're their 'equalizer'…the only shared goal or interest they have in common. They probably stayed together all these years "because" of you…and when you are gone, they will be left with nothing to do except stare at one another unless they learn adjust and refocus.

 

Do your parents have their own lives outside of you? Do they have any friends or social connections …hobbies or interests that they like to pursue to keep them busy between your visits?

[ehehef]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

You're their 'equalizer'…the only shared goal or interest they have in common. They probably stayed together all these years "because" of you…and when you are gone, they will be left with nothing to do except stare at one another unless they learn adjust and refocus.

 

Do your parents have their own lives outside of you? Do they have any friends or social connections …hobbies or interests that they like to pursue to keep them busy between your visits?

 

That's all absolutely true, and my father has said this directly to me (in front of my mother, who does not feel the same way). They don't have much of a life outside me, at least they haven't been able to develop one because one side (mother) wants them to be together and do things together as a real married couple and the other side (father) wants to be more independent and have a different circle of friends and acquaintances.

 

*sigh* It's a long story, amazing how many factors are involved if you dig deep down...