Family Discord Broke up our Love

[tara]

This friday was to be my first year anniversary with whom I thought was the love of my life. We had planned a 3-day out of town vacation. We had so much in common, enjoyed spending time together and planned our futures together to the point where he verbally told me he wanted to marry me upon graduation from his Master's Program in May.

 

Two days ago he called me and told me his mother spoke with him at length about how I was not good enough for him and that she was extremely upset that I called his family "crazy". After protesting that I have been very respectful and polite to his family (who by the way freely dispersed sarcastic insults towards me at most every family gathering) and if I did say his family was crazy it was only to him and for his ears only, he said "can we just be friends b/c I cannot separate from my family". I told him NO. Also I'm sure I said that if at all in the heat of anger. Well he told me if I didn't believe I said that about his family he would play it to me on tape. His family doesn't have an answering machine! Am I to believe that his controlling mom recorded our phone conversations (he still lives at home). How bizarre.

 

Enough about that - basically despite the fact that we got along superbly and my family even paid for airfare so they could meet him (b/c they thought we were in a serious committed relationship) he chose to believe his family whom I truly believe (specifically his mom) couldn't bear the thought of her youngest son leaving the house and "forsaking" her for a girlfriend. I was the first girl he ever brought home. I also think his mom was very upset that he slept at my place every weekend for a year.

 

Well I just wanted to vent a bit so thanks for the bulletin board opportunity.

 

I know I'm better off without him b/c he could not have loved me that deeply if it is so easy for him to be swayed by his mother's opinion of me. I have never had problems getting along with other boyfriend's families so do not think it could have been anything I did. Regardless, I had no problems with the boyfriend so our love should have if it was true love been able to conquer this family discord.

 

I have already thrown away the e-mails and pictures and started concentrating on what was lacking in him and our relationship rather than become riddled with guilt over what I did or did not do to cause his family not to like me.

[Tony T]

You sound like you really have it together. It's great to know there are some people who can keep their heads together and act rationally after a break up of this magnitude.

 

You have made the right decision and you are going about it the right way. The problems you would have faced in the future with a man who put his mama before you would have been insurmountable, especially in a marriage.

 

While we are to hold our parents in high esteem and respect at all times, a parent who interferes in a relationship without good reason should not be listened in that particular matter. If his mom would have suspected you were on drugs or had a criminal record, she should certainly have made that known to her son so he could check it out. But it seems she was just a trouble maker without grounds...and he bought into that.

 

I don't think you need that kind of heartache or that kind of man.

 

Good luck with your new life. I'm sure you'll be able to find a great guy who's not a mama's boy and who you can respect for being a MAN!

[Taressa]

Hi Tara,

 

I'm so sorry for the love to have turned out so wrong. I believe you're doing the right thing and admire the strength you've displayed in facing the hard truth.

 

Taressa

[Nina]

At least you won't have to put up with his ignorant, crazy mother!

 

My sister's husband was temporarily disowned because his mother was racist. She called my sister the "handmaiden of satan" a "slut" and other horrible things. They stayed together and got married. The had a son and low and behold, granny has a change of heart.

 

Now my sister is forced to endure weekend get togethers with people who don't look at her or speak to her directly unless she's holding her child. UUUUuuuugggg. And her husband is so excited to have a reunion with his mom that he doesn't even notice.

 

Count yourself lucky, good for you for being so level headed and practical.

[tara]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments.

 

Today would have been our one year anniversary and although I miss him very much and am saddened by the realization that he never really loved me, I know that my staying strong and upbeat and NOT contacting him is doing what is emotionally best for me.

 

But it's soooooo hard...I just want to call him and say I miss him. No I can't...what would be the point it would just regurgitate the wounds of no-longer-existing love. Also, if I did call him I would hurt even more if he was rude to me.

 

I am truly heart broken now! I have planned great activities for myself for the future and am fortunate to have sympathetic, supportive friends who are hanging out with me and helping take my mind off of this pain.

[Mitch]

Tara,

 

Well, I just lost a two year+ relationship to something like this (oddly controlling and manipulative mother on the girlfriend's side).

 

Had I known that in the end it would have come down to a choice of what was largely "me or your mother", I never would have played this little game.

 

Because who can win something like that?? (if "win" is the right word).

 

Future dating will involve a "family assessment" of some sort MUCH, MUCH sooner than used to be the case. Because, after dating a few dozen different people over the years, I was really sure she was the one.

 

And I'm a REAL skeptic when it comes to this. I absolutely never want to have to get divorced.

 

I've become a firm believer in "if things are going to go bad, lets hope they go bad as soon as possible."

 

Like early on in the first date say!

 

Ugh.

 

Good luck with things.