I couldn't do it

[rosieisblue]

Rosie

 

Do YOU have any say at all in the direction of your relationship with this MM?

 

Is it even possible in your mind for YOU to decide that you WILL NOT BE MEETING THE KIDS and for that decision to be respected by your bf?

 

Who gives a flying flip what he is so anxious to do?

 

What do YOU think Rosie?

 

Do you really think if he forces a meeting with the kids for an hour or so that it will result in the kids accepting you more?

 

Is there any part of you that thinks a forced meeting would be anything other than a disaster?

 

Not asking about what he is anxious for or what he thinks.... what do you realistically think about his idea of forcing a meeting?

 

I don't think he's forcing a meeting. He's told them he wants them to meet me and they've said no and we've agreed that if they can't accept me then it's going to be very hard to have a future together. I just thought an hour of having fun at a playground or something would be relaxed, non pressure and a good start without a lot of pressure on them.

[rosieisblue]

This just shows you're not reading what's being written.

 

If I made a mature decision about meeting the kids that put them first, and he then tricked me into meeting them. Yes. I would walk away from him and I would NEVER look back.

 

He never tricked me into meeting them. We had a 'surprise' meeting a while back with the younger one very briefly that we agreed wasn't hte best idea after his wife went crazy about it.

 

I want to put them first but I also wonder if we, the adults, shouldn't be driving this bus. Can they be allowed to say they will never meet me? What if we set up a home together?

[rosieisblue]

Is their divorce even final yet?

 

Yes, you wait a year. Holy cow, that isn't going to kill you or him to wait that long. You two can bond and make your relationship stronger, focus on that instead of rushing and pushing his kids to meet and accept you.

 

TRUST ME, if you push yourself or he pushes you into his kids lives this soon, they will NEVER accept you and your relationship is doomed to fail - OR his relationship with his kids will fail.

 

And also, why you are so afraid to stand up to him and tell him that YOU are not ready to meet his kids? That THEY are not ready to meet you? Are you scared he's going to end things because you won't get involved with his kids so quickly?

 

Sorry, but if you can't speak your mind to him and are afraid of communicating with him, then you two will have more problems than just the kids not liking you..

 

 

They are not divorced. Papers were filed last month and it will be final before the end of the year. They are currently working out an agreement.

 

I*m not afraid to stand up to him. We talk it through and he explains his reasoning and it makes sense. Then I come here and no one else seems to think it's sensible. We are big on talking things through, as opposed to making demands and arguing.

[jwi71]

RiB,

 

You are doomed to fail.

 

It's just a matter of time.

 

Why?

 

You don't care about those kids. At all.

 

Those kids aren't people but obstacles to you. At first, you wanted nothing, NOTHING, to do with them. You didn't recognize that you would be step-mom. You didn't want the role.

 

Then, when you realized your MM was going to "have" to spend away from you (with the kids), you suddenly show interest. Now the kids matter.

 

But not as kids. Not as people.

 

As obstacles - an annoying by product of him and his W. and ones that are causing you problems.

 

You have been repeatedly and consistently warned and advised against your actions.

You don't heed it. Too young. Too immature too focused on YOU.

 

Step back. Way back. Put others before yourself. You fail to do so at your own peril.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he's forcing a meeting. He's told them he wants them to meet me and they've said no and we've agreed that if they can't accept me then it's going to be very hard to have a future together. I just thought an hour of having fun at a playground or something would be relaxed, non pressure and a good start without a lot of pressure on them.

 

But it seems like you both want the kids to accept you NOW. They won't now.

[rosieisblue]

THE ONLY WAY they will even bother getting to know you at some point in the future is if you leave them alone now. Allow them to adjust to their parents divorce, allow them to re-bond with their dad one on one ..

 

I really don't get why waiting a year is such an issue.

 

I year seems like a very long time. I've asked this before but what about holidays and everything else? I had suggested he bring them down with some friends to my father's country house for a few days but they refused. His wife thought it was a bad idea, saying that they shouldn't see him sleeping in bed with me yet, but they know we're a couple and that we sleep together already.

 

It jsut seems like they know exactly what's going on but are being allowed to wear blinders to it and pretend it's not happening and I'm not convinced that that is healthy. When does everyone face up to reality?

[whichwayisup]

They are not divorced. Papers were filed last month and it will be final before the end of the year. They are currently working out an agreement.

 

I*m not afraid to stand up to him. We talk it through and he explains his reasoning and it makes sense. Then I come here and no one else seems to think it's sensible. We are big on talking things through, as opposed to making demands and arguing.

 

Even more so, back off of them. To get involved and meet the kids when they even aren't divorced yet is insane. You do know this, right?

 

IT IS NOT sensible to meet his kids now. HE is messed up in the head. HE is not thinking of what is best for his kids. HE is NOT listening to THEM.

 

THEY DO NOT want to meet you, and they do NOT want to be around you right now. Respect that. Make your point to him about this and stand your ground. DO NOT let him convince you otherwise. GO talk to a therapist, ask them this: IS it healthy or a good thing to meet and get involved with a married guy's kids before the parents are divorced? Even more so when the kids don't want to meet me? It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure this one out.

[rosieisblue]

RiB,

 

You are doomed to fail.

 

It's just a matter of time.

 

Why?

 

You don't care about those kids. At all.

 

Those kids aren't people but obstacles to you. At first, you wanted nothing, NOTHING, to do with them. You didn't recognize that you would be step-mom. You didn't want the role.

 

Then, when you realized your MM was going to "have" to spend away from you (with the kids), you suddenly show interest. Now the kids matter.

 

But not as kids. Not as people.

 

As obstacles - an annoying by product of him and his W. and ones that are causing you problems.

 

You have been repeatedly and consistently warned and advised against your actions.

You don't heed it. Too young. Too immature too focused on YOU.

 

Step back. Way back. Put others before yourself. You fail to do so at your own peril.

 

I do want to get to know them. They are a huge part of his life and very important to him. I still don't see the stepmother role at this point but I do want to slowly build a relationship with them.

 

They seem, from what he says, like nice kids. But it would be nice if we could all be able to be around each other at some point and build something together.

[whichwayisup]

I year seems like a very long time. I've asked this before but what about holidays and everything else? I had suggested he bring them down with some friends to my father's country house for a few days but they refused. His wife thought it was a bad idea, saying that they shouldn't see him sleeping in bed with me yet, but they know we're a couple and that we sleep together already.

 

It jsut seems like they know exactly what's going on but are being allowed to wear blinders to it and pretend it's not happening and I'm not convinced that that is healthy. When does everyone face up to reality?

 

Really read what you wrote. Print it out and go see a counsellor. Let them help you 'get it and understand'.. You're not comprehending what anybody is saying.

[whichwayisup]

I do want to get to know them. They are a huge part of his life and very important to him. I still don't see the stepmother role at this point but I do want to slowly build a relationship with them.

 

They seem, from what he says, like nice kids. But it would be nice if we could all be able to be around each other at some point and build something together.

 

Yes, but on THEIR TERMS, THEIR TIME FRAME. When they are ready.

 

Jeez, their folks are not divorced yet.

[PhoenixRise]

I year seems like a very long time. I've asked this before but what about holidays and everything else? I had suggested he bring them down with some friends to my father's country house for a few days but they refused. His wife thought it was a bad idea, saying that they shouldn't see him sleeping in bed with me yet, but they know we're a couple and that we sleep together already.

 

It jsut seems like they know exactly what's going on but are being allowed to wear blinders to it and pretend it's not happening and I'm not convinced that that is healthy. When does everyone face up to reality?

 

 

Rosie

 

Their parents are not even divorced yet. They are children. They are not wearing blinders. They are STILL ADJUSTING.

 

Kids don't want to be faced with their parents being intimate so they sure as hell don't want to have to face their still married dad being intimate with his girlfriend.

 

YOU are the one who needs to face the reality that you and he are the ones acting like spoiled brats because the kids don't feel the way you want them to feel.

 

In the course of a long term marriage/relationship, one year is not that long. The fact that you keep saying it is such a long time lets me know that for you it is impossible to see beyond the NOW.

 

The divorce was just filed a month ago and you say it will be final by the end of the year.

 

Why don't you, at least until the divorce is final just give the kids their space?

[rosieisblue]

The kids are going through the aftermath of d-day after discovering daddy was shagging a young OW. Your advice makes no sense. The kids see this woman as the enemy for breaking up their home.

 

That's what it keeps coming back to: them thinking I broke up the family. I had a part but it was a much bigger thing than me, namely a broken marriage hobbling along for a long time. They won't get that now because they're young but it just sucks that I get the blame for something that had little to do with me.

[MissBee]

I just couldn't do it. Some of you were right. I wasn't ready. I was thinking I could do it but once I saw him I couldn't. We're trying to find a way to meet the kids because we realize if the kids don't accept me it won't work.

 

I don't know what I'm doing. I know you said to leave the kids out of it but how can we keep going this way? I love him and he loves me. The wife is staying out of things for the most part. The kids are saying they won't meet me.

 

I am in hell.

 

I'm sorry I am not strong enough but I want this man.

 

I still think you all should leave the kids out of it for now.

 

I still stand by what I said, that is: give it more time. Work on your relationship and get couple's counseling. Focus on that before you try to add the kids to the mix.

 

See how it all looks in a year. After another year and things are more stable, then I'd start thinking about adding the kids to the mix again. But for now...it is premature.

[Summer Breeze]

He never tricked me into meeting them. We had a 'surprise' meeting a while back with the younger one very briefly that we agreed wasn't hte best idea after his wife went crazy about it.

 

I want to put them first but I also wonder if we, the adults, shouldn't be driving this bus. Can they be allowed to say they will never meet me? What if we set up a home together?

 

As long as they're minors then your BF can make them come and meet you. It would be catastrophic but he could do it. It could be years before you are in a home and they feel comfortable there. They may never feel comfortable there.

 

As far as the kids seeing you as the one who split up their home. We see BS on here time and again that blame the OW more than the WS. If it's hard for an adult to accept that level of betrayal through their head then how is a kid supposed to act? You ARE the devil to them right now and there is nothing you can say to change it. My xH had kids from a previous M. They had been divorced about 2 years when we met. The kids still hated me for standing between mom and dad. They were in their mid and late teens. It's not easy and it takes time and patience but one day, if you give them their space, it will pay off.

[MissBee]

Rosie

 

Do YOU have any say at all in the direction of your relationship with this MM?

 

Is it even possible in your mind for YOU to decide that you WILL NOT BE MEETING THE KIDS and for that decision to be respected by your bf?

 

Who gives a flying flip what he is so anxious to do?

 

What do YOU think Rosie?

 

Do you really think if he forces a meeting with the kids for an hour or so that it will result in the kids accepting you more?

 

Is there any part of you that thinks a forced meeting would be anything other than a disaster?

 

Not asking about what he is anxious for or what he thinks.... what do you realistically think about his idea of forcing a meeting?

 

I am interested to know as well...

 

Everything is about "he says"....and most of it is rubbish.

 

Do YOU have your own thoughts rosie? In a relationship you want someone who complements you and who can be right when you're wrong. There will be times when your partner may think something is a good idea, and maybe it really isn't, and as your own person you have to put YOUR foot down and say you think it's not a good idea.

 

But it seems like you just allow this MM to run the show and everything he says, you agree to, simply because he says so. Perhaps the agree difference contributes to this dynamic...where you feel he is older and smarter and respond to him like you would a dad, versus an equal partner whom you have no problem disagreeing with.

 

You say your head and heart are competing...I suggest you listen to your head and take things sloooooooooooww. If you all are so inlove and so meant to be...shouldn't it still be the case in a year, in 2 years, in 5 years? Why the big rush, like if you all don't force everything (particularly if HE doesn't force it) things won't work out. IME, those secure in their relationships have no problems taking it slow, taking the time to discover. Those relationships have a lot more stability. Those who are constantly pushing, rushing and forcing are relationships built on a lot of insecurity and no amount of pushing changes reality. There is a lot of insecurity in this relationship - for good reason-and I think you need to slowwwwww down and listen to your head. I think your heart/emotions have had their shine for a long time...now give your head a chance please.

[rosieisblue]

I am interested to know as well...

 

Everything is about "he says"....and most of it is rubbish.

 

Do YOU have your own thoughts rosie? In a relationship you want someone who complements you and who can be right when you're wrong. There will be times when your partner may think something is a good idea, and maybe it really isn't, and as your own person you have to put YOUR foot down and say you think it's not a good idea.

 

But it seems like you just allow this MM to run the show and everything he says, you agree to, simply because he says so. Perhaps the agree difference contributes to this dynamic...where you feel he is older and smarter and respond to him like you would a dad, versus an equal partner whom you have no problem disagreeing with.

 

You say your head and heart are competing...I suggest you listen to your head and take things sloooooooooooww. If you all are so inlove and so meant to be...shouldn't it still be the case in a year, in 2 years, in 5 years? Why the big rush, like if you all don't force everything (particularly if HE doesn't force it) things won't work out. IME, those secure in their relationships have no problems taking it slow, taking the time to discover. Those relationships have a lot more stability. Those who are constantly pushing, rushing and forcing are relationships built on a lot of insecurity and no amount of pushing changes reality. There is a lot of insecurity in this relationship - for good reason-and I think you need to slowwwwww down and listen to your head. I think your heart/emotions have had their shine for a long time...now give your head a chance please.

 

I stand up to him, though. I tell him what I think and we talk things through. He has responsibilities I've never dealt with so I am unsure about how to handle them or how to advise him.

 

I just feel like we've got so much going for us, with our love, yet so much against us, with the kids, the wife, the friends and others, it just makes me wonder where this will end. Everyone is overall very nice to me but I still feel like it's her life when I'm with his world, like it's not mine.

[skywriter]

Rosie,It will be awkward and uncomfortable, I know, but he keeps saying it will work out eventually, they just need to get used to me. I just don't know. I've neer been in a situation like this and don't know how to handle this or him and what he wants, what I want, what the kids want. They want their family back together but it's not going to happen so don't know how to deal with that.

 

This is why when you originially posted I mentioned that I have a 25 yr old daughter and like you, irregardless of what anyone said, it will be what it will be.

 

This guy has lived alot more than you. He's an experienced philaderer from wht has been posted by you, coming from himself and his W.

 

You mention, more than once how the W is ok, with moving on and seems to be cooperative for the most part. That alone, speaks volumes of the difference in the two of them. It's an indicator of acceptance on her part, that he can and won't change. She's may have realised this and considers how much life has passed her by, with him.

 

I'm sorry, you may be a mature, lovely young woman, but the age difference is a huge indicator of this mans lack of maturity and desire to have control.

 

As if would seem from what is being posted now, he can't control his W, so it's trickling down to him controlling his childrens emotions.

 

If you pay attention, this is all indications of just how the future will be with him. If he'll do this to the W, and the kids, you'll be next.

[MissBee]

He never tricked me into meeting them. We had a 'surprise' meeting a while back with the younger one very briefly that we agreed wasn't hte best idea after his wife went crazy about it.

 

I want to put them first but I also wonder if we, the adults, shouldn't be driving this bus. Can they be allowed to say they will never meet me? What if we set up a home together?

 

A parent can of course force them to meet you....however, the parent can NEVER force them to actually like you.

 

What is a "surprise meeting"?

 

What if you set up home together? That's the point rosie...as of today, as of this year, you do not have a home together! That's why everyone has been saying, wait a year, grow your relationship....when you start to get more serious and actually have been together for more than a year and actually are looking at homes together THEN you can refocus on the kids.

 

To be frank: you have no guarantee that you and MM will still be a couple next year or the year after. None. Therefore why rush to meet the kids now, before his D is even final and all that??? That's what we don't get. Even normal single parents, who were never married or who are divorced, often wait a year or years (and until they know they are about to marry or take it to a serious level) before they start making people meet their kids. So why should you, the woman he's been having an A with, the A has been exposed, the kids know, and you have been together for an out couple for only 7 months be allowed to meet the kids??? It doesn't make sense.

 

Give it a year....if you are still even together, then you can maybe try again with the kids. But right now it is all VERY VERY premature.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie,It will be awkward and uncomfortable, I know, but he keeps saying it will work out eventually, they just need to get used to me. I just don't know. I've neer been in a situation like this and don't know how to handle this or him and what he wants, what I want, what the kids want. They want their family back together but it's not going to happen so don't know how to deal with that.

 

This is why when you originially posted I mentioned that I have a 25 yr old daughter and like you, irregardless of what anyone said, it will be what it will be.

 

This guy has lived alot more than you. He's an experienced philaderer from wht has been posted by you, coming from himself and his W.

 

You mention, more than once how the W is ok, with moving on and seems to be cooperative for the most part. That alone, speaks volumes of the difference in the two of them. It's an indicator of acceptance on her part, that he can and won't change. She's may have realised this and considers how much life has passed her by, with him.

 

I'm sorry, you may be a mature, lovely young woman, but the age difference is a huge indicator of this mans lack of maturity and desire to have control.

 

As if would seem from what is being posted now, he can't control his W, so it's trickling down to him controlling his childrens emotions.

 

If you pay attention, this is all indications of just how the future will be with him. If he'll do this to the W, and the kids, you'll be next.

 

I think what she's accepted is that he doesn't want her anymore and that the marriage is over. It took her some time and I understand that it was hard to walk away from a long relationship, so her moving on is a great thing, as she is not interfering anymore.

 

I think he's mature. He takes care of his kids, pays for everything, makes sure they're ok, deals with his wife the best he can and just works hard towards the future.

 

Right now he treats me very well. He does a lot for me and is always there for me, listens to my fears about our future, assures me, reassures me, gives me confidence.

 

He wants his wife to find her independence and be happy and find a good life for herself. I hope she does as well. I want the kids to be happy and content and to move on from the pain of this family breakup.

 

 

I want to be happy, too, though. I am happy when I am with him and when we're in touch. but I worry about where this will end up going and how it will playout.

[rosieisblue]

A parent can of course force them to meet you....however, the parent can NEVER force them to actually like you.

 

What is a "surprise meeting"?

 

What if you set up home together? That's the point rosie...as of today, as of this year, you do not have a home together! That's why everyone has been saying, wait a year, grow your relationship....when you start to get more serious and actually have been together for more than a year and actually are looking at homes together THEN you can refocus on the kids.

 

To be frank: you have no guarantee that you and MM will still be a couple next year or the year after. None. Therefore why rush to meet the kids now, before his D is even final and all that??? That's what we don't get. Even normal single parents, who were never married or who are divorced, often wait a year or years (and until they know they are about to marry or take it to a serious level) before they start making people meet their kids. So why should you, the woman he's been having an A with, the A has been exposed, the kids know, and you have been together for an out couple for only 7 months be allowed to meet the kids??? It doesn't make sense.

 

Give it a year....if you are still even together, then you can maybe try again with the kids. But right now it is all VERY VERY premature.

 

But we are serious, we have been since shortly after we met. We fell in love very quickly and knew that we wanted to be together.

 

He was out with his kid and I was around so we had a 'surprise' meeting in a shop, then went for a coffee. It went ok, but his wife was very angry as she said her son was upset and that MM had asked him to lie to her about it. He didn't seem upset when he was with us but who knows. It was kind of dumb but we were anxious to see how it would go.

 

I don't know how long it will take for us to move in together. WE've talked about it but know it's in the future. For now it's about him getting things good with his kids. But it still feels like I*m an outsider.

[Silly_Girl]

Rosie, you probably don't even need to give it a year, but you need to BACK RIGHT OFF.

 

I stayed away from your threads until now, but I really think you're letting your boyfriend's momentum and persuasive manner bulldoze you in to a situation it will be hard to come back from.

 

It's all different where kids are concerned. All different. You can't just shout 'well I love him, so there!" and stick your fingers up to the world. That's not romantic, that's foolish.

 

Your guy is trying to structure a ready-made family. I understand WHY. Heck, I even feel for the fella on that front, but this is not something he can just 'fix'.

 

Just stop it all, where the kids are concerned. They deserve to know you exist, and that he loves you and is going to be with you AND THAT IS IT - for now.

 

Stop forcing them. How about let them see how happy dad is now, how big a part of his life they still are, and how mature both their parents are acting about everything. Let them get used to this new era. Maybe they'll even grow to like it, if both parents are happier. Maybe they'll come to respect the choices their parents made. All those things would help them to come to terms with everything.

 

If they are at peace they are a thousand times more likely to tolerate you. It will probably start with merely tolerating. It might move from there, it might not. But by forcing them to accept you your boyfriend is giving them something to focus on - that you are an outsider and they hate/blame you.

[MissBee]

I stand up to him, though. I tell him what I think and we talk things through. He has responsibilities I've never dealt with so I am unsure about how to handle them or how to advise him.

 

I just feel like we've got so much going for us, with our love, yet so much against us, with the kids, the wife, the friends and others, it just makes me wonder where this will end. Everyone is overall very nice to me but I still feel like it's her life when I'm with his world, like it's not mine.

 

I understand this...and as a lot of people have said in your other thread: sometimes it's like that. That is just the nature of it sometimes. You can't force a situation. You either accept it as is or walk. Some OW turned gf/wife get acceptance and have a great relationship with the family, others don't. You are still new to everyone. Give it time. I think your time expectations of how everyone: family, kids and wife should act, are irrational.

 

Everyone has been saying the kids may never like you and the family may always prefer the W and tolerate you. That is not your choice to make. If that's how they'll feel...you either deal or don't.

 

Relationships that have "love" but so much against them...many don't make it. Or the couple pushes everyone else away who is important so that they can be together. Then usually they break up anyway as in order to be with each other they have to forsake their kids and family. I say ALL the time and continue to say: Love without the right circumstances makes no sense. I don't doubt you can feel strongly for someone, but sometimes the people we feel for, it doesn't always translate into a relationship that works out. If you and your MM both had other partners that you were with longer than you have been with each other, and it didn't work out, then your relationship is just as likely to not work when you add ALL this other drama. I'm not trying to burst your bubble hon. I'm just trying to say that taking things slow is the best, so that you can see where the relationship is headed and if it's worth it.

 

Relationships end all the time for less than this....so I'd keep the option open and possibility that you can decide it's too much, he won't be the last man you can love....and so it is best to take things slow and see if you realistically can live with this for a year, 2 more years, 5 more, forever? The family and kids may never accept you. That is a possibility. So see if overtime they have softened or it's the same. No matter the option, ALL of it takes time and there's no need to rush as rushing can only make things worse.

[PhoenixRise]

I think what she's accepted is that he doesn't want her anymore and that the marriage is over. It took her some time and I understand that it was hard to walk away from a long relationship, so her moving on is a great thing, as she is not interfering anymore.

 

I think he's mature. He takes care of his kids, pays for everything, makes sure they're ok, deals with his wife the best he can and just works hard towards the future.

 

Right now he treats me very well. He does a lot for me and is always there for me, listens to my fears about our future, assures me, reassures me, gives me confidence.

 

He wants his wife to find her independence and be happy and find a good life for herself. I hope she does as well. I want the kids to be happy and content and to move on from the pain of this family breakup.

 

 

I want to be happy, too, though. I am happy when I am with him and when we're in touch. but I worry about where this will end up going and how it will playout.

 

If you really think this, then there are no problems and you can continue on the way you are going.

 

Everything will turn out perfect.

 

The kids will love you. The kids will accept you. And he's a perfect father who has never done anything wrong in his handling of his affairs or in his handling of his children post dday.

[MissBee]

I have no idea why an angry smiley was posted on my post...cause I didn't do it. Sorry

[jwi71]

He was out with his kid and I was around so we had a 'surprise' meeting in a shop, then went for a coffee. It went ok, but his wife was very angry as she said her son was upset and that MM had asked him to lie to her about it. He didn't seem upset when he was with us but who knows. It was kind of dumb but we were anxious to see how it would go.

 

Your MM and you manufactured a "surprise meeting" and then asked the boy to lie about it. Smh. No wonder the stbxw was pissed.

 

This MM is a shyte father. What people do this? What parent tells his child to lie? And to the child's MOTHER. What a horrible predicament to give that boy - to force him to choose between truth and lie (mother or father).

 

RiB, you need to....oh **** it.

You arent listening. Or maybe you're just too immature and naive. Maybe you're just trolling. Nobody can be this.....thick, to be polite.