I couldn't do it

[frozensprouts]

OP,

take a look at this link and see if any of it sounds familiar...

 

Sarah Tate - cluster b's

[Capris]

@rosieisblue I really hope you post just to tell us you are ok at least. Im starting to worry.

If this is indeed the case, its hard to wrap your head around it.

 

Hope you're doing ok, please update!

 

 

omg frozensprouts...that basically described my whole relationship.Thanks so much for that link.

[rosieisblue]

I'm doing ok. MM is at a family thing with his kids. I wasn't invited because the kids were going. We've been talking about it and he says the kids say no so he's not pushing it, although he says they have a dialogue going and he's explained that I'm important to him.

 

I just hate that he's at a family thing with all his relatives there and I'm not there. It's still me over here and him over there and nothing looks like it's going to change.

 

I understand that I want to move too quickly but it's hard. I just can't see this working. I really can't see it going anywhere. I don't even know what to say. You're all right. I'm just in pieces and don't know how to handle this.

[skywriter]

I can't help but feel sad that a 25 yr old young woman has put herself in a place to have to deal with all of this.

[rosieisblue]

I can't help but feel sad that a 25 yr old young woman has put herself in a place to have to deal with all of this.

 

I didn't mean to be in this place. It all started as fun and friends and went haywire very quickly, mainly because his wife found out and it went public fast. There was no time to think anything through. We were in love and once she found out and exposed we were sort of out there much sooner than expected.

 

I'm not sure how much that's impacted things, that we were sort of 'forced' to be an out couple just a few months after meeting. I'm not sure what that's done to things. I also wonder about the fighting with his wife and the drama with his kids--how much has that thrown us together? Are we just on the high of all of this?

[rosieisblue]

Rosie,

I'm wondering what the scenario was when your married man was kicked out by his wife...I have a feeling it may have gone very differently form what he is telling you...

 

from my own experience ( and after hearing the experiences of many others) what happens when a husband/wife finds out their spouse is cheating may be very different that what the person cheating relates to the person they are cheating with.

 

It seems that when they get caught, the person who was, up until that point, saying they were desperate to leave all of a sudden often wants to stay more than anything else in the world...they beg and plead with their spouse to reconsider and not end the relationship. It's weird that happens.

I have a feeling that's what happened in your married guys case too.

 

As for him saying he left to be with you...i don't get that. he had other affairs, but never left to be with them. you say it's because he loves you...but if he didn't love you and you were just another "fling" would he have stayed with his wife after you and just went on to the next person and had another fling, and another and another? Sounds like it...what does that tell you about him?

 

I know you love this guy...but it's possible to be hopelessly, desperately in love with someone and it still be the a negative thing for you. That won't get any better as long as he refuses to see that any of the problems are his doing...he blames everyone else for his problems and his bad feelings...he's blaming his wife, even his kids. What happens when he can't blame them anymore? who will he blame then? you?

 

 

He had never talked about leaving her before he met me. He had never had feelings for the others, they were just fun times. With me it was friendship first and became something more very quickly. We were talking love very fast and although I think he needs to address some issues that led to him cheating I don't doubt that he was happy to leave.

[whichwayisup]

You keep mixing up the leaving thing. If you two hadn't been busted, he'd still be married and IN the house. You still make it seem like he left her and moved out. Truth is, you two got busted on their SON'S birthday!! And his wife was pissed off, fed up and kicked him out. He didn't have a say in that.

 

So yea, things are a bloody mess. What you can do is tell him to stop bringing up and talking to his kids about you. Suggest to him that he just focus on helping them deal with the divorce and not living with them as a family unit anymore. NO MORE TALK of you, him as a couple and for them to meet you and be in their lives.

 

If you can't handle this, then back off completely and focus on your own life. Take a break from it all and tell him to call you to go on a 'date night' in a month.

[whichwayisup]

I'm doing ok. MM is at a family thing with his kids. I wasn't invited because the kids were going. We've been talking about it and he says the kids say no so he's not pushing it, although he says they have a dialogue going and he's explained that I'm important to him.

 

I just hate that he's at a family thing with all his relatives there and I'm not there. It's still me over here and him over there and nothing looks like it's going to change.

 

I understand that I want to move too quickly but it's hard. I just can't see this working. I really can't see it going anywhere. I don't even know what to say. You're all right. I'm just in pieces and don't know how to handle this.

 

Read what you wrote. This is really messed up okay. If you cannot see this, that you are forcing yourself into his kids lives and to be part of that family so soon and they haven't even divorced yet!! WTF Rosie. Come on, it isn't working because you're jumping ahead instead of dealing with the now. How many people have to tell you this before you see what you and him are doing by forcing you two as a couple in his kids faces and lives is just plain wrong!! The timing is soooooo off.

 

End it, take a break..Do something different..Because what you're doing now is NOT working and you're driving yourself crazy. It's unhealthy how attached you are to him. You won't DIE if you don't spend every single minute with him or talking to him, texting with him. If he died tomorrow, you'd be a total basketcase because you rely on him for everything and every single one of your emotions.

[rosieisblue]

Read what you wrote. This is really messed up okay. If you cannot see this, that you are forcing yourself into his kids lives and to be part of that family so soon and they haven't even divorced yet!! WTF Rosie. Come on, it isn't working because you're jumping ahead instead of dealing with the now. How many people have to tell you this before you see what you and him are doing by forcing you two as a couple in his kids faces and lives is just plain wrong!! The timing is soooooo off.

 

End it, take a break..Do something different..Because what you're doing now is NOT working and you're driving yourself crazy. It's unhealthy how attached you are to him. You won't DIE if you don't spend every single minute with him or talking to him, texting with him. If he died tomorrow, you'd be a total basketcase because you rely on him for everything and every single one of your emotions.

 

No, I have my own life and friends and all of that. It's just he brings up the kids, he says it will be so much easier once they meet me and accept me, then we can see each other all the time and include the kids in our lives. HE says all of this.

 

As far as the family thing, it's a big family event, people are here from out of town, and it hurts that most of them know about me but i'm not allowed to attend. None of them are judgemental about the divorce, it's not unheard of in his family. I understand why I couldn't go but itmakes me wonder when we take that step, me being included in things. Will there ever come a point where I am included? I've met some people for a meal and things like that but it's pretty sparse. It's us most of the time.

 

And yes, yes, I know, it's time to slow down but I just don't see it changing. I just do not know how to end this. I work with him. I see him every single day at work. I bring him lunch. how do I get out of this when I work with him and I love him? I know it's not healthy. Why can't I just end it?

[rosieisblue]

This one totally takes the cake. The man is not even divorced!

 

Please get some professional help as soon as possible.

 

I wish his wife was able to read these threads. Those children need to be kept far, far away from the both of you.

 

But everyone knows they've filed for divorce and that he's seeing me, so it's not some big secret. When his parents got together his father wasn't divorced when his mother was introduced to his kids or into his life. They moved in together veryquickly. Not that we are them or anything like that but it's not like they would be judgemental on something like this.

 

Ugh. I need to know how to get out of this and how to stop feeling like I can't leave him!

[CarrieT]

Rosie - here is something I recommend...

 

Print out this and your other long thread. Read it five years from now.

[Furious]

Why would a single young 25 year old do this to herself? Jump into a relationship with a man that is old, with a ton of baggage and a personality disorder. You say you love sex. Wait till he gets a older and you have to live in celibacy.

 

In the process will have to leave your dream of having your own children. You will always be seen as the evil OW that is a home wrecker even if this was not your fault.

 

Everything that is happening to you is your own doing. I bet the STBXW will enjoy watching you fail.

 

 

Rosie have you built up this romance to your friends and family and if this relationship goes bust are you worried you will look like a fool?

 

Is this about your pride and you don't want to end up being wrong?

[rosieisblue]

Why would a single young 25 year old do this to herself? Jump into a relationship with a man that is old, with a ton of baggage and a personality disorder. You say you love sex. Wait till he gets a older and you have to live in celibacy.

 

In the process will have to leave your dream of having your own children. You will always be seen as the evil OW that is a home wrecker even if this was not your fault.

 

Everything that is happening to you is your own doing. I bet the STBXW will enjoy watching you fail.

He's not old, he's 40. He's a very young 40 as well. Very active. The baggage is what gets to me. The kids, the life he had before, all the friends and the family and the fact that his wife knows EVERYONE. He's started to make freinds seperate from her now, mostly at work, which is making it easier but still, what do I do with all the baggage?

 

I won't be seen as the evil homewrecker because that would make his mother one. I'm not sure what she thinks of me, though. She's been nice to me the few times we've met but we don't talk a lot. It's werid.

[PhoenixRise]

 

I'm not sure how much that's impacted things, that we were sort of 'forced' to be an out couple just a few months after meeting. I'm not sure what that's done to things. I also wonder about the fighting with his wife and the drama with his kids--how much has that thrown us together? Are we just on the high of all of this?

 

 

As far as the family thing, it's a big family event, people are here from out of town, and it hurts that most of them know about me but i'm not allowed to attend. None of them are judgemental about the divorce, it's not unheard of in his family. I understand why I couldn't go but itmakes me wonder when we take that step, me being included in things. Will there ever come a point where I am included? I've met some people for a meal and things like that but it's pretty sparse. It's us most of the time.

 

And yes, yes, I know, it's time to slow down but I just don't see it changing. I just do not know how to end this. I work with him. I see him every single day at work. I bring him lunch. how do I get out of this when I work with him and I love him? I know it's not healthy. Why can't I just end it?

 

Rosie

 

I don't know how many serious relationships you have had in your life. But you need to understand that you can't really know (and neither can he) if it is possible to have happily ever after with a person that you have only known for a few months.

 

Yes you can feel all kinds of powerful emotions for a person within a few months. Yes there can be passion, intimacy, excitement, maybe even love (the early/beginning stages at least) ... but none of those feelings are proof that a relationship with that person can last, or even if it does last it doesn't mean the relationship is healthy.

 

Your feelings are yours Rosie. They are real.

 

But you need to understand that the fact that you love him doesn't make him a good guy.

 

The fact that you love him doesn't mean that he is right for you.

 

I would be willing to bet that many of the people posting in this forum and pretty much everyone you know IRL has been very much in love with a person who is absolutely WRONG for them.

 

So aside from your feelings about him, what in your opinion makes him right for you?

 

He comes with an ex-wife who is not going to just disappear. He comes with an extended family who may in time accept you but who will likely always have some connection to his ex.

 

He comes with children who may never accept you.

 

He comes with financial burdens due to his first family

 

And he comes with a history as a serial cheater that he doesn't want to address.

 

But you, Rosie, you have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you. You can go anywhere, do anything, meet all kinds of wonderful people (men) along the way.

 

Objectively, do you really think it is a good idea to close off all your options by hitching yourself to this man?

 

You don't have to stop loving him Rosie. Feelings really don't turn off like a faucet. But you do need to start making decisions that are in your own best interest.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie have you built up this romance to your friends and family and if this relationship goes bust are you worried you will look like a fool?

 

Is this about your pride and you don't want to end up being wrong?

 

In part, maybe. Because she went public with it as soon as she found out (she told his parents and their friends and it was out very quickly) and she wrote to my mother and aunt and my bf and some other relatives and friends of mine so it as pretty much a known fact very soon after they split. It put a lot of pressure on us, I think, to make it work. We had to decide very quickly that we really did want to be together, we weren't able to take ti slow, like we were planning.

 

And it was great, besides her freaking out once in awhile and the kids really freaking out a lot the first few months. That made it difficult and was very hard for him because every time he saw them tehre were arguments. His older one was so angry with him and still is, although now he's calming down a lot.

 

I don't think it's pride, it's more that it was almost forced by his wife. We were planning on being together but not this quickly or like this. And that's what's made it weird. Everyone knows we had an affair and it's weird that they all know we had sex before they split and that we got together because of the split...it's just started off on this weird footing and I don't know how to make it right.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie

 

I don't know how many serious relationships you have had in your life. But you need to understand that you can't really know (and neither can he) if it is possible to have happily ever after with a person that you have only known for a few months.

 

Yes you can feel all kinds of powerful emotions for a person within a few months. Yes there can be passion, intimacy, excitement, maybe even love (the early/beginning stages at least) ... but none of those feelings are proof that a relationship with that person can last, or even if it does last it doesn't mean the relationship is healthy.

 

Your feelings are yours Rosie. They are real.

 

But you need to understand that the fact that you love him doesn't make him a good guy.

 

The fact that you love him doesn't mean that he is right for you.

 

I would be willing to bet that many of the people posting in this forum and pretty much everyone you know IRL has been very much in love with a person who is absolutely WRONG for them.

 

So aside from your feelings about him, what in your opinion makes him right for you?

 

He comes with an ex-wife who is not going to just disappear. He comes with an extended family who may in time accept you but who will likely always have some connection to his ex.

 

He comes with children who may never accept you.

 

He comes with financial burdens due to his first family

 

And he comes with a history as a serial cheater that he doesn't want to address.

 

But you, Rosie, you have your WHOLE LIFE ahead of you. You can go anywhere, do anything, meet all kinds of wonderful people (men) along the way.

 

Objectively, do you really think it is a good idea to close off all your options by hitching yourself to this man?

 

You don't have to stop loving him Rosie. Feelings really don't turn off like a faucet. But you do need to start making decisions that are in your own best interest.

 

Ok, so how do I end it? how do I stop this? how do I walk away?

[CarrieT]

Ok, so how do I end it? how do I stop this? how do I walk away?

 

Start by looking for a new job; that is tantamount. Right now, you have a lifeline to him that has to be broken. I'd recommend you quit, but I'm sure there are financial implications.

 

The sooner you can separate yourself from his daily influence, the sooner your healing can begin.

[PhoenixRise]

Ok, so how do I end it? how do I stop this? how do I walk away?

 

 

There is no magic wand that will make it happen Rosie.

 

It is something you have to do for yourself.

 

First. You have to really decide that you really want and deserve something better for yourself.

 

Do you think you deserve better than this guy or do you really, deep down think this is as good as it will get for you?

 

 

IF you do really want and think you deserve better than what you are getting, you tell him that.

 

Then you walk away...for real. Not like the drama filled endings you have had with him before. Not from a place of running from the drama of his kids or extended family, or the ex. Not for the deep down enjoyment and validation of having him weep and beg you not to go. But from a place of choosing a better life for yourself.

 

Do you think your life can be better than this Rosie?

[Radagast]

Ok, so how do I end it? how do I stop this? how do I walk away?

 

Rosie, what do you want to do?

 

Do you love him? Would you like to be with him long term?

 

Are your doubts based on what you're seeing in your relationship with him, or what you're reading here? I think you need to separate these things in your mind and decide what you want. Not what he wants, not what people here want for you, not what your friends or his wife want for you, not what his kids want. What Rosie wants.

 

If what you want is a magic wand to wave and make you all one big happy family instantly, that won't happen. That ship sailed with the way the break up was handled. The kids are already traumatised and the hopes of a peaceful transition have been dashed. You have to work from where you are.

 

If you've been shaken up by the drama and want out, then leave. Phone him and tell him you can't do this anymore, that it's over, and don't see him again.

 

If you want to be together as a couple, and as a family ultimately, and are prepared to put in the work to make that happen, then yes, that can happen. If that's also what he wants, and if you're prepared to take things at a reasonable pace so that the kids aren't further traumatised but neither do they get given the power to call the shots over their parents' relationships.

 

You need to decide which you want. Right now you're sending out too many mixed messages about that so you're getting a lot of conflicting advice. Perhaps you're not really sure what you want. In which case, step back and think about it.

 

You know he's a package deal. You can consider it baggage, or you can consider it a ready-made family. It may be difficult at first, it may always be difficult, but it can be very satisfying. I've seen my kids with my wife and know how much value and joy she adds to their lives, and them to hers. But I've also seen others who've struggled, and I know I struggled to accept my stepfather after my parents' divorce, even though we are close now. If you sign up for him, you sign up for the kids too.

 

You feel left out because his kids are at a family function and you're not. You'd feel worse if you were with him and the kids stayed away as a result, and the family asked about them and you had to keep explaining. If it matters to you to meet his family, ask him to organise a house party, or meet them for tea at a cafe, or drop by for a visit. Chat to them about the kids, get them onside, include yourself if you're feeling marginalised. But don't set yourself up in a Me-or-The-Kids situation, because that won't work for anyone. You have the option of other partners, the kids don't have the option of other parents.

 

I realise this is very stressful for you Rosie. But stress is part of having kids, whether they're yours or his. If you sign up for a relationship with him, you'll need to accept the stress as part of the package. Is that what you want, or would you rather be sipping cocktails with a childless guy on a tropical beach watching the sun set?

[rosieisblue]

I don't know what I want anymore. I really don't. I want him but I don't think I want the baggage.

 

He is a really nice guy and treats me well. We have a great time together and really connect, in a way I've not done before. I haven't had a lot of relatinships. My bf was my first really long and serious one. MM is handsome, charming, smart, funny, and just makes me feel very special.

 

I don't know anymore if it's enough or if it's worth it. I don't know if I want to wait around for his kids to accept me in his life or even be something to them. Most people in his life are much older than me. He's making new friends at work and they're younger but is he doing that for me? Or because a lot of thier friends are friends with her? I just don't know.

[rosieisblue]

This was the only week everyone could have a vacation be in town on the same day. I*m not worried that it's not what happened.

[rosieisblue]

He texted from it. They were all in teh same place at the same time so it worked out for today. It's summer vacation time!

[snowflakes88]

It's just he brings up the kids, he says it will be so much easier once they meet me and accept me, then we can see each other all the time and include the kids in our lives. HE says all of this.

 

Of course he does, because he knows they refuse to meet and accept you. It gives him an easy out with you when things don't turn out the way you'd hoped (e.g., like now, where you're alone and lonely and he can just say sorry - with the kids and they don't want to meet you).

[rosieisblue]

Of course he does, because he knows they refuse to meet and accept you. It gives him an easy out with you when things don't turn out the way you'd hoped (e.g., like now, where you're alone and lonely and he can just say sorry - with the kids and they don't want to meet you).

 

this might be true. It's starting to feel like it. If the kids don't like me or won't meet me then he can say it's not working. We've already talked about this. I've said it myself. If the kids can't accept me we can't be together. Maybe we're both looking for an out. I don't know. It just happened so fast and we were rushed together and it seemed so great to start with, me and him, together, like we had talked about for the first couple of months. But it happened too quick, I think. It was just way too quick. We were not given the time to develop a relationship and before we knew it we were known to everyone as these people who had an affair and then it was it.

 

I wish I had just stayed friends until he left his wife. Then it would be normal and we would be able to see how it went slowly and on our time. I give his wife credit-sheplayed it well. She said that to me once, that I had played it well by not freaking out when dday came. Now I think she did. And I think she wants him back but is just sitting there waiting it out. That's what it feels like, anyway. I have no idea. She's been pretty silent for awhile.

[rosieisblue]

WOW you are being slid right into the spot his wife vacated. Make no mistake...she vacated. He did not leave.

 

I like bringing him lunch and doing things like that. It makes me happy to do things for him. It's not wife stuff, it's gf stuff. Yes, she kicke dhim out. I get it. But she wanted him back at the start. Then she threw in the towel and saw a lawyer.