Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[Greznog]

I don't see why so many people are focused on the money aspect of dating. Who cares who pays? Why is this such a big issue? When did dating become tit for tat? Jeez o man.

 

Once women demanded equality and started earning their own money.

[Janesays]

Once women demanded equality and started earning their own money.

 

Whatever. Money bores me. I can't understand why so many people are literally obsessed with it.

 

I very rarely dated men with more money than me, so I usually paid more. It never occurred me to be bothered by this. I also usually pay for my friends when we go out, no biggie. I guess when I go out, whether it's with friend, family, or a man, I focus more on enjoying myself than tallying the bill.

[xxoo]

Difficult to answer when it is all theoretical. When and if it happens, you may lose interest....or you may not.

 

IMO, who pays for the first date is a small issue, and judging someone's character on a small first date misstep might be a mistake. You might be nexting someone really great.

[kaylan]

Again, it depends.

A smartphone is almost or more than a monthly wage here, so it can convey the wrong message.

Clothes depend on body type, etc ...

Tbh, if you make enough to live in NY, chances are you won't have a small wage.

A smartphone can be cheap as heck, or expensive as heck. Even the top of the line smartphones only cost a few hundred dollars when you upgrade. Thats a far cry away from being an entire months wage. And plenty of people live comfortably in NYC on modest wages.

 

I grew up in NYC, and its my experience that outsiders have no idea how diverse incomes and real estate prices are around the city.

 

It depends in NY.

Over here it's tradition, so i do more damage by insisting on it.

You might find a good girl who is also into this tradition.

Hardlines should be subject to some form of change when it concerns this.

What is "over here"? And by tradition, do you mean the guy paying for the date? Also, I doubt Ill have trouble meeting girls who pay their own way. NY is pretty huge after all...and Id say Im a catch....so Im sure my dating life will get pretty busy once Im out of the suburbs. Itll be an interesting journey.

You might need to internalise the abundance mentality if there is not an abundance in the world.

Im not worried in NYC. There are truly an enormous amount of women to choose from. And Ive really grown as a man over the last few years. So I have no problem moving onto the next girl if a chick gives me trouble. I definitely internalize the abundance mentality.

 

NY is notorious for women being picky, not the other way around.

You can thank among other things Sex and the City for that.

Ill get to see how picky they are. I dont blame them...its a city of millions...and men generally throw themselves at girls in hopes for sex. I however dont do that...so lets see how things go. Im picky myself, so we will see if any ladies take their time to win me over.

Women are more picky than men, but they are not necesarily picky about looks/body, more about social status.

You will notice this fast.

You havent lived in NYC have you?....women can def be concerned about a guys looks and body there. Sure status can matter too, but I see very attractive women with bummy artistic guys allllll the time. Edited August 20, 2012 by kaylan

[Greznog]

Whatever. Money bores me. I can't understand why so many people are literally obsessed with it.

 

I very rarely dated men with more money than me, so I usually paid more. It never occurred me to be bothered by this. I also usually pay for my friends when we go out, no biggie. I guess when I go out, whether it's with friend, family, or a man, I focus more on enjoying myself than tallying the bill.

 

It didn't occur to you because they don't expect you to pay simply by virtue of you having ovaries.

[Janesays]

It didn't occur to you because they don't expect you to pay simply by virtue of you having ovaries.

 

Then how do you explain that I've never expected a man to pay because he had a wee wee? It always amazes me how bad men are at reading the minds of women.

[Greznog]

Then how do you explain that I've never expected a man to pay because he had a wee wee? It always amazes me how bad men are at reading the minds of women.

 

Because there are exceptions to every rule, for some reason the idea of things generally being true is mystifying for women.

[EasyHeart]

It always amazes me how bad men are at reading the minds of women.

That's because no one can read minds.

 

The big difference is that men understand this simple fact, while most women don't.

[red.velvet]

I dont like to dutch but I wouldnt mind. I prefer the man to pay on one date and I pay on another date.

[bac]

Wow. You are making some assumptions here. Just because a guy prefers self sufficient women does not mean he doesnt have the cash to pay for her. Hell, my best friend makes almost 6 figures with overtime and he prefers girls who go dutch as well. I could be a millionaire rock star, or a barista at starbucks, and Id have the same feelings about paying for strangers.

 

I think a girl should pay for herself regardless of the mans salary. Both people should go into a dating situation on equal footing.

 

I agree that paying for stranges is BS. IMO, And, people typically do not have sex with strangers unless they are sluts. Therefore, if you do not want to pay for strangers, you should not expect to have sex with them as well.

[kaylan]

I agree that paying for stranges is BS. IMO, And, people typically do not have sex with strangers unless they are sluts. Therefore, if you do not want to pay for strangers, you should not expect to have sex with them as well.

Sex should have no place in this convo though imo. I think its ad that sex ever get tied up with money. But in my case I dont sleep with girls I dont know. Too dangerous health wise.

I dont like to dutch but I wouldnt mind. I prefer the man to pay on one date and I pay on another date.

But many times there is but only 1 date. In which case an even split in the early going seems the right way to go. Then once rapport is established, turn taking seems like a great idea.

[bac]

Sex should have no place in this convo though imo. I think its ad that sex ever get tied up with money. But in my case I dont sleep with girls I dont know. Too dangerous health wise.

 

Unfortunately, the only reason why men go on dates is to have sex with a woman as soon as possible. If they go on dates just for platonic friendship with me, I would pay for any expensive dinners, buy them gifts and worship them.

[Janesays]

I actually enjoy paying the bill. I see folks that stress about the check and I assume it ruins their night. I always pay the check. I do it for my mom, sister and male friends too.

 

I do too. Then again, I also enjoy tipping well, donating to charity, and buying expensive birthday/holiday gifts. We may just be naturally generous people, though!

[Radu]

A smartphone can be cheap as heck, or expensive as heck. Even the top of the line smartphones only cost a few hundred dollars when you upgrade. Thats a far cry away from being an entire months wage. And plenty of people live comfortably in NYC on modest wages.

Look at the forest instead of focusing on just one tree.

 

I grew up in NYC, and its my experience that outsiders have no idea how diverse incomes and real estate prices are around the city.

That was before the internet, now we know.

Maybe not in great detail, but we have a pretty good ideea that maybe prices and incomes are diverse in a metropolis of 19million.

 

What is "over here"? And by tradition, do you mean the guy paying for the date? Also, I doubt Ill have trouble meeting girls who pay their own way. NY is pretty huge after all...and Id say Im a catch....so Im sure my dating life will get pretty busy once Im out of the suburbs. Itll be an interesting journey.

I live in one of the other 199 different countries that are represented on this forum.

Over here things are different.

 

Im not worried in NYC. There are truly an enormous amount of women to choose from. And Ive really grown as a man over the last few years. So I have no problem moving onto the next girl if a chick gives me trouble. I definitely internalize the abundance mentality.

I am afraid of hubris.

 

Ill get to see how picky they are. I dont blame them...its a city of millions...and men generally throw themselves at girls in hopes for sex. I however dont do that...so lets see how things go. Im picky myself, so we will see if any ladies take their time to win me over.

It will work, generally the more selfish a person is, the more success it has.

 

You havent lived in NYC have you?....women can def be concerned about a guys looks and body there. Sure status can matter too, but I see very attractive women with bummy artistic guys allllll the time.

Depends what you are looking for, i am looking for a serious LTR.

Those pairings only happen with highly insecure women in a LTR.

Just for a 'hook up' [something i don't do], it's fine.

Women have a soft spot for bummy artistic types, those types are different, mysterious, and full of feelings.

Smart women don't choose bummy artistic guys as future husbands/fathers.

 

 

---

 

I was wrong, you sure seem like a NY-er.

[kaylan]

Exactly!

 

A man that is so obsessed about not spending money on a woman is probably controlling.

You cant be serious. Did you read the OP in full at all? Did you comprehend the parts about strangers who should be on equal footing? Theres nothing controlling about that.

I laugh at these threads. The answer is so simple! A man pays at all times. If a woman insists on going dutch it means she is not into the guy. If she allows the guy to pay she is into the guy.

Sorry. Its 2012, not 1940. Women have careers and money now. And living in this country is a lot more expensive. Its not like dudes are the sole breadwinners anymore.

 

Splitting the bill becomes a reality later on when there is an ongoing established relationship and whom ever pays is a moot point.

 

This is rather simple:

 

Act like a gentleman and pay.

Why pay for a stranger you may only see once. Gender is not the issue here so please dont make this another "who pays" thread. My question was to guys who live int he present and whether they would next a girl for not offering.

If you cannot afford dating say upfront you are broke and make plans for dates that cost little money. It is not rocket science.

Lmao....and you apparently didnt read the posts that said lack of funds were not the issue her

Unfortunately, the only reason why men go on dates is to have sex with a woman as soon as possible. If they go on dates just for platonic friendship with me, I would pay for any expensive dinners, buy them gifts and worship them.

It really depends on the guy and girl involved. With some women I want sex sooner than later, and with other women I want to establish a strong connection before sex. In either case I want to get to know women somewhat before anything physical happens.

 

If I go on a date with a girl and end up only feeling she is a platonic friend, then Id still hang out with her 1 on 1 and chill. They wouldnt be dates anymore...but I wouldnt be adverse to building my friend group.

Edited August 20, 2012 by kaylan

[kaylan]

If she offers to pay she is not into you.:eek: Hence, one date.!

Not true at all...especially in my experience and many other guys. A couple of women in this thread will tell you the same.

[kaylan]

Look at the forest instead of focusing on just one tree.

Way to address my point =P

 

 

That was before the internet, now we know.

Maybe not in great detail, but we have a pretty good ideea that maybe prices and incomes are diverse in a metropolis of 19million.

And I still dont think people have a good idea of NYC with the internet. I see a lot of false generalizations thrown around on this forum about the city allll the time.

 

It will work, generally the more selfish a person is, the more success it has.

What does being selfish have to do with knowing what you want in dating?

 

Depends what you are looking for, i am looking for a serious LTR.

Those pairings only happen with highly insecure women in a LTR.

Just for a 'hook up' [something i don't do], it's fine.

Women have a soft spot for bummy artistic types, those types are different, mysterious, and full of feelings.

Smart women don't choose bummy artistic guys as future husbands/fathers.

You truly dont know women then if you are saying that. I have seen women date guys I couldnt understand why they were with long term....all because he really gets her emotions going. If a chick has her own means of support, she wont worry about status as much as other gals.

 

Its certainly possible for a "smart" girl to date a "bummy artist" if he gets her emotions rolling. And when I said bummy artist, I simply meant a writer, musician, etc who doesnt make ridiculous cash, but is still self sustaining. The bummy part was regarding the typical type of dress of NYC hipsters who are generally artistic.

 

In the end, women choose all kinds of men for husbands and fathers. It depends on the girl and if the guy connects with her.

 

I was wrong, you sure seem like a NY-er.

*yawn*

[oaks]

So I found an interesting profile online... some overlapping interests, claimed to be looking for someone my age/location/height/hairstyle, and she looked nice enough. She said she was 'ready to date', and her profile said something about not wanting to waste time on emails when it's better to find out if you like someone by meeting for a quick drink/coffee (which I agree with)... so I sent her a message which basically said that I enjoyed reading her profile, that I agreed with her about just hurrying up and meeting and which evening during the week was she free?

 

Given that the usual response is akin to tumbleweed blowing across the street in a Western I was surprised when she replied within the hour suggesting a day, so we sorted out details... and exchanged a few messages over the next few days.

 

Then she flakes about 3 hours before we're due to meet. She wants to "reschedule" for another, unspecified, day. Oh, and rather than call or text (she has my number, and I don't have hers) she messaged me via the site to tell me this.

 

Bah.

 

It's times like this that I'm glad I didn't put much effort into emailing her for weeks in advance!

 

Ok, rant over. No particular question that I need help with. I'm sure you'll tell me where I went wrong.

[FitChick]

I feel your pain. I had high hopes for a guy who seemed to have everything I was looking for except I just found out that he's only been divorced three months and is selling his house to split the proceeds with his ex and pay off the lawyers. Not really in a good frame of mind to get married any time soon.

 

By the way, I found out the hard way that you have to read the fine print if you are a subscriber to those websites. I cancelled my subscription the day before it ended so I wouldn't get automatic renewal. I just noticed my credit card was charged so emailed them. I was told that I had to cancel 48 hours ahead. Well, why don't they change the end date to 48 hrs earlier then? Oh, wait, because they make more money if people think they have time before they cancel. B@stards.

[fortyninethousand322]

So I found an interesting profile online... some overlapping interests, claimed to be looking for someone my age/location/height/hairstyle, and she looked nice enough. She said she was 'ready to date', and her profile said something about not wanting to waste time on emails when it's better to find out if you like someone by meeting for a quick drink/coffee (which I agree with)... so I sent her a message which basically said that I enjoyed reading her profile, that I agreed with her about just hurrying up and meeting and which evening during the week was she free?

 

Given that the usual response is akin to tumbleweed blowing across the street in a Western I was surprised when she replied within the hour suggesting a day, so we sorted out details... and exchanged a few messages over the next few days.

 

Then she flakes about 3 hours before we're due to meet. She wants to "reschedule" for another, unspecified, day. Oh, and rather than call or text (she has my number, and I don't have hers) she messaged me via the site to tell me this.

 

Bah.

 

It's times like this that I'm glad I didn't put much effort into emailing her for weeks in advance!

 

Ok, rant over. No particular question that I need help with. I'm sure you'll tell me where I went wrong.

 

Well at least you know early right? About two years ago I messaged a girl who had a lot in common with me (academic interests, liked sports, etc.) and we emailed back and forth for about two weeks. When I asked her out she said she only dated people from her race and ethnicity (Muslim). I was like ok, but it would have been nice if you had put that on your profile somewhere or at least mentioned that before now.

 

So the lesson here is ask out as early as possible so any of that stuff gets hammered out pretty quickly.

[Pompom]

I'm on this dating site that bill you more than your ISP does for ALL your online activities, who screen personal profile texts and uploaded pictures, and who discourage the participation of black and Arab Jews by omitting that ethnicity altogether. So it's beyond elitarian, it's snobbish if you ask me - but who ever does?

 

So my picture, which is a silly manipulation of me walking away from an explosion, got rejected. A text that sounds like a speech by Adolf Hitler, only less coherent - let's face it, the man could speak - wasn't only approved, reports have been disregarded. If I weren't so popular on that site, I'd conduct an experiment and write "I hate ni...." in my description and see if I find as much tolerance.

 

I'm curious. Let's say someone isn't only into politics, no - their entire profile is one political rant, self-descriptions limited to keyword lists. She goes on and on about evil liberals, some entity or another, and I loved how she put "I have no mental issues" in there. But I think she took it out. And she is an educational therapist..?

 

Would you contact someone who...

 

• throws Blacks-and-Koolaid remarks at Obama and sounds generally racist
  
• explicitely sums up the majority of users on that site as "sub-human" (a Jew using that Nazi word, looking for... LOVE?) preceded by calling "most of the people here" "absolute degenerates"
  
• "absolute filth" is her word to describe those looking for casual sex
  
• such people should be locked up in a facility, she says. Should I greet her with "Sieg heil"?
  
• liberalism = mental disorder. Girl, too bad you missed Hitler, he's your perfect match! Oh wait, you're pro-Israel (I'm so ashamed)...
  
• insists on a career man ("1%-er") and claims she's successful, but the way she writes would make a third-grader offer tutoring out of sheer pity
  
• offers names and phone numbers of previous people who contacted and didn't please her, as if they'd committed a crime in doing so. And she offers this leaking of intel as a first date activity.
  
• liberals = effeminate = gay
  
• American Exceptionalist, yet pro-Israeli, heh, lady, have you been to Israel lately?
  
• the left is against all that is good and decent... Aha. Again, revive Hitler, he's the one for you.
  
• and where it says "Contact me if", she goes on another political rant that is so hate-filled that I'm really tempted to comment "Ja, mein Führer!"...
  
• insults women for dressing "cheap", yet wears hot pants...
  

 

I mean, if you get me started on politics and society, I have a few pretty "mean" opinions, but a) I don't think they belong in my dating profile to that extent, and b) there's a decent and an utterly f*cked up way of expressing your extreme views... Let alone the fact that the freedom she is so thankful for, would not be there if extreme right-wingers ruled the world. As with everything, liberalism within moderation, is a good thing to have that has brought forth good things; she sounds like she wants a dictatorship where all those who don't fit within her views are locked up (again, heil Hi..) and expects freedom to go with it.

 

So, any takers?

Sorry, had to share, I find her amusing in her offensive tirades of hatred.

[FitChick]

I save a guy's profile (one I'm emailing or am just attracted to) to my Desktop. Then when I notice they've modified it again, I compare the two. Sometimes they become taller, richer, better educated, etc. Interesting.

[oaks]

I save a guy's profile (one I'm emailing or am just attracted to) to my Desktop. Then when I notice they've modified it again, I compare the two. Sometimes they become taller, richer, better educated, etc. Interesting.

 

I did that once or twice and noticed similar. Mostly I can't be bothered, though.

[oaks]

So, I changed my main profile picture and suddenly people are looking at my profile and writing to me! Must be the full moon or something - it isn't even a good photo.

[Mrlonelyone]

My problem is as always many people, mostly men, willing to have a fling but no one willing to stay for coffee. You know, its just really transparent when that's what a man wants. Who do they think they are fooling?