Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[USMCHokie]

Im having second thoughts now to be honest..my self esteem and confidence is already shaky because of no positive results with women if i get shut out online ill probably go back into a shell

 

This is a legitimate concern. If you didn't have success in real life only because you're not socially comfortable yet but fit the stats mold that women want, then I'd give OLD a try, just to help increase your social comfort levels. As long as you have the right stats and a reasonably attractive face, women will be interested. However, if your insecurities are sourced from your stats or pictures, then I'd be wary of OLD.

[Marie0708]

What is with the obsession women have with height? Anyone under 6'0 is no good? What's wrong with 5'10?

 

Women on OLD who pass on guys under 6'0 are being passed over IRL by men who are probably under 6'0.

 

Ideally, my date would be 6'0 but I would certainly date someone who was shorter than that (say, 5'8) if I was attracted to them. Height isn't a requirement, at least not for me, though it is something I like. What's important in determining whether or not you are successful in OLD is having a realistic list of what you want in a mate. You are entitled to have 'deal-breakers' but they should not limit you so much that you are only willing to date a very specific type of guy

[Ami1uwant]

If you have trouble talking to women or cold approaching and "luck with women" in general you are not going to have better luck with online dating. In some aspects it will be even worse. Women you meet online will be quicker to "next" you faster if you do not wow from the get go.

 

From my understanding, those who have success with online dating are those who are completely capable of dating in real life (IRL) but use it as a convenience thing. IE) Busy life, lack of social connections, single parent.

 

Honestly OLD will be a greater detriment to your confidence / luck with women than IRL. My advice would be stick to trying to get dates in real life as you try online dating. I guarantee your rejection rate will be higher online than in real life. Message 100 women online. Then cold approach 100 women in real life and compare the results.

 

 

 

Actually, that isnt true.....

Granted it depends on what OLD you use.

 

I have used online dating sites for years....

 

What I have found is that in the past few years there has been a "duming down" of OLD. Through marketing pushes you are starting to pull in more people who are unsure or arent serious about it as in the past.

 

About 3-4 years ago the users were more serious about looking for a relationship and not just a hookup.

 

They started to pull others into using this as a way of a hookup or for them to rxpand their search field thus for them to be very picky and tartget certain indivisuals that are really out of their league or out of their normal channels of social interaction.

 

Thus now you have much more people who arent as serious about this and thus looking for fantasyland in dating.

 

As you get older , dating is inherently much much more difficult. Many have rules on not dating coworkers..those they socialize the most as adults. They are two old for the bar scene so it becomes very difficult to meet people out there. In your short windown of opportuity its hard to tell if they are interestd or what.

 

What I have seen ove the years is that people tend to have too high expectations of online dating where they want to meet someone that doesnt exist.

 

for example you take a man and a woman...they are in a medium size out. They tend to cross paths at different locations (health club, museum, and a few others) they start to talking and they gradually hit off and start dating and it works great. They share alot of similar interests and have similar personalities.

 

Had they been matched through some OLD site they possibly would have passed over each other because each of them may have had higher expectations of who to focus on dating. Also the parts you like about a person doesnt come out in a profile.

 

In economic terms its maximizer vs satisfier in dating.

[Dreamless Sleep]

AD1980

It's a little peculiar that men would complain or worry about being judged based upon physical appearance yet do the exact same thing to women. We all have hopes for the physical appearance of a partner. What we wind up with might be different and acceptable. Is there shame in a woman posting that her ideal mate is 6'? Are you willing to date fat midgets? If not, then why?

 

And what do women want to see in an on line picture gallery? From what I have been told...at least a few pictures, in a variety of settings with a variety of outfits. Smile, get a haircut.

 

I think the real benefit of OLD to a shy guy might be learning how to communicate with women. Learn how to market yourself. Highlight the things about yourself that make a woman desire dating you. You can reformulate with each email you send out. You'll refine your writing. It's a skill that takes practice and persistence. It doesn't mean lying.

 

Accept that you have to pursue women. That's how most women function. That lets you do the initial screening anyway.

 

You may find that you benefit outside of the virtual world too. With more confidence communicating on-line, you will find communication easier in real life.

 

I might have it wrong. I often do. But it's my opinion

[sharsh]

Do what some women do: Lie a "little".

 

You're 5'7? Say you're 5'10

Don't do this!! This is one thing that pisses me off so much with OLD. I'm 5'6. I give guys around my height a chance too. I'd prefer someone taller around 5'9+, but it's not a deal breaker.

 

What IS a deal breaker are the guys that do this sh*t. I'm expecting one thing, and you show up as something else. You lied to me right off the bat. That's when I'm on to the next one.

[AD1980]

AD1980

It's a little peculiar that men would complain or worry about being judged based upon physical appearance yet do the exact same thing to women. We all have hopes for the physical appearance of a partner. What we wind up with might be different and acceptable. Is there shame in a woman posting that her ideal mate is 6'? Are you willing to date fat midgets? If not, then why?

 

And what do women want to see in an on line picture gallery? From what I have been told...at least a few pictures, in a variety of settings with a variety of outfits. Smile, get a haircut.

 

I think the real benefit of OLD to a shy guy might be learning how to communicate with women. Learn how to market yourself. Highlight the things about yourself that make a woman desire dating you. You can reformulate with each email you send out. You'll refine your writing. It's a skill that takes practice and persistence. It doesn't mean lying.

 

Accept that you have to pursue women. That's how most women function. That lets you do the initial screening anyway.

 

You may find that you benefit outside of the virtual world too. With more confidence communicating on-line, you will find communication easier in real life.

 

I might have it wrong. I often do. But it's my opinion

 

Im only worrying about it because old you are judged by stats and shorter men on average have a hard time getitng dates with old

[AD1980]

WHich is the best free online datign site?

[Mumbles]

On the shorter / taller thing, I imagine that anyone outside a relatively narrow margin of 'average' will have more trouble than those inside the average ... its just a numbers game after all. Those outside the average on the tall scale probably have just as much trouble as those who fall outside of the average on the small scale.

 

On this, for those both tall and short, have you thought about dating outside of your normal racial peer group? For example, I'm probably on the shorter side of the average group for my area and the general racial mix where I live. In many parts of asia though I am positively tall ... yet in some places, like some areas in the USA I'd look very short indeed.

 

I reckon all this stuff is just playing the maths, I don't really think tallness or shortness matters, ultimately, but its just throws the maths out and you may feel that you'd want to make adjustments to compensate for that.

 

In other news, I think I've written before that studies have been done in relation to OLD and relative facial 'beauty' which seem to indicate that there is a bell curve at work here too, centred around the average. People to the left of average looking struggle more than those who are dead centre average to look at, and those to the right, those many might believe to be extremely good looking, also suffer in the numbers game when measured by number of hits/flirts or whatever it used to gauge interest on specific OLD sites.

 

Interesting huh?

[NateC]

WHich is the best free online datign site?

 

OKCupid seems to be a good one. It's free to sign up and message people to your heart's content. The "premium" features are just things to make the search a bit easier and make you stand out more, but it's not a requirement to have any chance of meeting someone.

[Marie0708]

I've been doing the online dating thing for a few months now and I'm VERY tempted to call it quits. I just can't believe how many guys on the sites I've joined will message me without even glancing at my profile and realizing that we are COMPLETELY incompatible. And then the guys that I AM interested in don't respond at all to any incoming messages, or if they do we'll talk for a couple of weeks, and then they disappear. (Or they just stop responding ) I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I'm a fairly attractive woman, who is friendly positive and fun to be around - so my friends tell me

 

It's VERY DISCOURAGING...most people think that its just guys who are subject to rejection online from women not responding to them, but it affects women just as badly. I might just deactivate all my profiles and try my luck out in the real world. I don't really go to bars, so that kinda limits my prospects - any other suggestions as to where I might look?

[sweetkiwi]

I just deactivated my OkCupid account. I got tired of Italian men propositioning me for sex. Or men from India saying they were in love with me. Seriously.

[FitChick]

I finally hid mine and plan to put it back up after Valentine's Day. By then the newbies and catalog shoppers will have gotten bored and gone back to the bars and pubs, leaving the more serious minded. There might be some discount vouchers offered at that time as well. At least that is my theory.

[Mumbles]

I hear you marie0708, believe me, its not only a girl problem. I get hits on the OLD sites I'm a member of that suffer the same problem, the ladies have quite obviously not even bothered to read my profile.

 

I used to put a lot of effort into the online profiles, they were big and complete, but that was back before I realised just how much of a numbers game this is. If you write maybe 3 short paragraphs its already too long and will not be read.

 

Now my profiles are much shorter and to the point, but still, the majority of my hits are either people who are not reading or are just ignoring what I've written. I reckon I'd do about as well by just putting up a photo with nothing else because I'm pretty sure the deal is just look, look, look, click, look, look, look, click.

 

I also know the confusion of putting in the effort to read others profiles and only click/flirt/whatever those that appear compatible, only to have a very poor response, probably <5% will even bother. I'm thinking of taking "relationship" off my profile... its just seeming more and more to me that OLD is all about hookups, and, given that, its just an online version of a club. You like what you see based upon sexual attraction and then, after the deed is done, see if theres anything else in there...

 

I don't know, maybe I'm coming at this all wrong. I'm inclined towards wanting a great intimate relationship that leads to and includes sex. Maybe I've got that backwards and I should be looking for great sex that leads up to and includes an intimate relationship? Is this how OLD really works?

[edgygirl]

Ugh also just disabled my okcupid account. Tired of guys looking solely for sex.

[Under The Radar]

I hear you marie0708, believe me, its not only a girl problem. I get hits on the OLD sites I'm a member of that suffer the same problem, the ladies have quite obviously not even bothered to read my profile.

 

I used to put a lot of effort into the online profiles, they were big and complete, but that was back before I realised just how much of a numbers game this is. If you write maybe 3 short paragraphs its already too long and will not be read.

 

Now my profiles are much shorter and to the point, but still, the majority of my hits are either people who are not reading or are just ignoring what I've written. I reckon I'd do about as well by just putting up a photo with nothing else because I'm pretty sure the deal is just look, look, look, click, look, look, look, click.

 

I also know the confusion of putting in the effort to read others profiles and only click/flirt/whatever those that appear compatible, only to have a very poor response, probably <5% will even bother. I'm thinking of taking "relationship" off my profile... its just seeming more and more to me that OLD is all about hookups, and, given that, its just an online version of a club. You like what you see based upon sexual attraction and then, after the deed is done, see if theres anything else in there...

 

I don't know, maybe I'm coming at this all wrong. I'm inclined towards wanting a great intimate relationship that leads to and includes sex. Maybe I've got that backwards and I should be looking for great sex that leads up to and includes an intimate relationship? Is this how OLD really works?

 

For guys like us I truly believe that building a solid emotional connection FIRST is key (which is much harder if not impossible through OLD). You strike me as a very sensitive guy (much like myself) and as such require FAR more than a sexual partner.

 

The problem with early sex (and I speak from experience) is that it can build, rather quickly, a false sense of intimacy. Sex is, no doubt, fun and fosters a complicated emotional reaction for us sensitive guys.

 

I'd prefer to build a relationship that eventually leads to meaningful sex, than approach physical relations in a casual format, succumbing to my base primal desires. I think a successful relationship is much more likely to happen and last with this in mind.

Edited December 21, 2012 by Training Revelations

[chinapaige]

Honestly I have had a lot of luck with online dating, but I feel like I have been at it a while and on various sites. All of my long term relationships have been from online sites and I've never had too much of a problem with people looking just for sex. Although I get lots of messages from people about it (just on OKC right now) it's easy enough to ignore them and look for men who are more relationship material. Almost all the guys that I have gone on dates with through OKC have been perfect gentlemen and seem more interested in finding girls to be in relationships with than just girls to have casual sex with. I think that it matters how you present yourself in your own profile and how particular you are about who you actually choose to meet.

 

I prefer online dating because then at least you know you will meet a lot of actually single people. Almost all the friends that I have and their friends already have significant others, so unless I start cruising the bar scene, which isn't really my style, online dating seems like the most obvious option. It is what you make it, I think.

[ryanmatthews58]

I prefer dating in the real as apposed to online, but I have always been up for new ideas

[SunsetRed]

I'm currently on OurTime.com and am SO disappointed. I thought I'd meet older men who were tired of games. I wanted a gentleman who was old school and knew how to ...well, be a gentleman.

 

I wanted to meet, hopefully have chemistry w someone and then build upon that. I'm not a prude, I would sleep w him once we started getting along and getting to know each other, but I'm not doing it on the 1st or 2nd date w a stranger I met on the internet.

 

All I'm meeting are lazy old men who just want to meet up at my place or their place.

 

Some of these men are balding, w heavy stomachs and man boobs and they still think they can charm a woman w "hey, my place or yours"

 

Its frusterating...I'm nearly 45 myself, so I'm willing to date the bald man w the stomach and boobs, if he'd just be a gentleman and offer me something besides his d&*k.

[Keenly]

I mean, I've sent messages and they have responded (not really enough to work with) but do the ladies ever actually do any conversation initiating?

 

Its been about 60 days, and I've signed up to maybe 5 different site, and not a single message?

 

Starting to think that might not actually work out. Suggestions or advice anyone? While I am at it I might as well ask the best way to form the first message, apparently I'm not so good at it.

[Badsingularity]

It is a very common complaint from men on OLD.

[ls32ssibm]

You said you send messages, and they reply. That is the norm.

 

 

Only the very obese ones initiate contact. Hurtful truth.

[Keenly]

You said you send messages, and they reply. That is the norm.

 

 

Only the very obese ones initiate contact. Hurtful truth.

 

to be more specific on that comment, most women on the sites I am trying are TERRIBLE at carrying a conversation. Most of my messages include things about me, things about common interests we share, things I am curious about her and her interests, and occasionally cheesy yet funny jokes.

 

The overwhelming response I feel like is " who is this random guy on the internet talking to me " . I also feel like it is less of a personal issue about myself, and more about the mentality of women who are actually "trying" OLD, I feel like as if they just like they attention.

[MrCastle]

I've been on OkCupid since May and have had 4 women initiate contact. I wasn't attracted to any of the 4. I've messaged maybe 15 girls throughout that time as I don't do any mass messaging and instead carefully pick girls I think would be a good match for me. Of those 15, I've gotten 1 reply back, and all we did was go back and forth a few times. It didn't lead to anything.

 

I don't go on often. I leave my account active but I've pretty much given up on OLD so I don't really invest in it. I'm more so banking on the rare chance a woman I dig messages me first, but I'm not out actively sending messages anymore.

 

My success in real life would be considered great by anyone's standards.

 

OLD is just it's own animal. I'd say everybody and anybody would do better in real life.

[FitChick]

Avoid the free sites.

[MrCastle]

Except of course if you're a woman.

 

Well, yeah. I mean OLD for women is great if we're judging it by the same measuring stick for both sexes. The measuring stick being landing dates.

 

The ability for women to land dates online is criminal. I think we've all seen the social experiments and raw data from online dating sites that prove that and then some.

 

Men complain about OLD because they can't find a date. Women complain about OLD because they go on bad dates. One is going on dates (albeit bad ones), the other isn't going on dates period.

 

So from that stance, in terms of quantity, women definitely have the edge. You just can't argue that. Women I know admit that they have to clean their inbox on a weekly basis--sometimes daily, depending. I've seen fake female profiles get date proposals without having pictures up. Come on.

 

But in terms of quality, it's even. Both sexes have trouble finding quality dates and subsequent partners online.