Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[SunsetRed]

What's everyones favorite online dating site?

 

I've been on Match for about a month and have liked it so far. Seems like most of the women on the site are high quality and interested in serious relationships. But of course it's always challenging as a man to get responses from the better than average looking women.

 

From other posts it sounds like okcupid and pof aren't great. I've read that Eharmony has a much better ratio of women to men than Match, but I doubt there's anything special about their matching "formula," and I don't like the idea of not being able to search for women in my area.

 

Anyone have any experience with wealthymen.com? I'm qualified to join the site based on my income, and in my area the ratio of men to women on that site is about 1/10, but as a result of the name of the site, I'm sure the women are going to have certain relationship expectations $$$.

 

I'm on Ourtime.com now. Its for people over 50 and I'm only 45 but I'd like to meet an older, mature man so I joined. I'm disappointed. I thought these older men would be old school and take things slowly, but they're ready to hop in the sack on the first or second date and if you don't, they move on. Sorry, but I'm squeamish enough about meeting people online. I just cant stomach hopping in the sack on the first or second date with w a man I met on the internet.

[StanMusial]

I tried online dating for about six months last year. I found it to be totally unrealistic. I know this topic has been beat to death, but I have an interesting story that goes along with what I am trying to say. I feel that sites like POF create an artificial dating market, whereby almost any girl with a pulse becomes the center of attention. It is driven almost 99% on your appearance in a photo or series of photos. So an average looking guy, or even a "nice-looking" guy does not have a realistic chance at finding a date. This has been documented in other places so I'll end my rant there.

 

Anyway, I live in a small to medium size city, so there weren't many desirable options for me to start with. After emailing 20 or 30 girls, one girl finally responded. Same age, many of the same interests, cute photos. Well, her response was "Do you have any more photos?" Which, I had four or five on there.... she had about the same. I emailed her some more photos and I never heard from her again lol.

 

Fast forward two months. I had not logged in to POF for a month, because I had met this cute, cute girl through a friend (lady at the salon, different story) and had started dating her. I was on a double date with her and my buddy and his gf and we stopped by a popular bar/nightspot in my town. We were watching a game on TV and having beers and guess who I saw walk in that place? The same POF girl that had rejected me! Ha ha ha. She was with some other girl and you could tell they were on the prowl - they sure checked out me and my buddy ha ha ha. I am 90% sure it was her, and I detected a flicker of recognition when our eyes met before they passed our table (her friend gave me a huge smile). They walked by while our girls were in the restroom - we were in the back and they made a point of walking all the way past us and taking the table behind us. I have to tell you it felt pretty good to be there with another girl that was cuter and younger lol. I wish I could've watched them when our girls came back to the table - but they were behind us and I didn't dare turn around lol. We only stayed another hour or so, but over the course of that hour no less than 8 guys had stopped by their table and gotten shot down. Ha ha.

 

I told my buddy about it later and we had a good laugh - he had tried online dating before and didn't get any responses at all. I showed him her profile on POF the next day and he said he was certain that was the girl from the bar. By the way, she was logged in when we checked LOL.

 

Honey, I hope you find what you're looking for.

Edited January 12, 2013 by StanMusial

[trevzilla]

Hmm, I've been told my profile is really good and I payed a student to snap some good photos of me. I do get a lot of attention, some days I get 10 women flirting, or messaging. I currently have had 60 women click meet me on POF and 10 or 20 favourite me and a lot message me outright. It's just they are really unattractive. They are usually 5 to 10 years older than me and really out of shape and look like they partied hard. I never get responses from attractive women and I'm not just going for 9s and 10s, if anything I try to go for cute girls who are more likely to have a decent personality, but it seems even the 6s want Brad Pitt. So basically the women who want to meet me, I have no interest in and likewise the women I want to meet think they can do better and don't respond to me. I leave my profile up but I barely put any time into it anymore. I just log in once a day to push myself up the search queue and blast off a bunch of meet mes. I refuse to waste my time messaging women anymore unless they have flirted with me. It's just not worth my time. Sad too, because I have a great career, am financially stable, keep fit, have a full head of hair, am 6'2" and told I'm above average looking and look younger than my age. You'd think a 42 year old with those qualities would be a hot commodity. I even like long term relationships. So it seems the women on OLD are going for the players and getting all bitter because they keep getting pumped and dumped.

[StanMusial]

Hmm, I've been told my profile is really good and I payed a student to snap some good photos of me. I do get a lot of attention, some days I get 10 women flirting, or messaging. I currently have had 60 women click meet me on POF and 10 or 20 favourite me and a lot message me outright. It's just they are really unattractive. They are usually 5 to 10 years older than me and really out of shape and look like they partied hard. I never get responses from attractive women and I'm not just going for 9s and 10s, if anything I try to go for cute girls who are more likely to have a decent personality, but it seems even the 6s want Brad Pitt. So basically the women who want to meet me, I have no interest in and likewise the women I want to meet think they can do better and don't respond to me. I leave my profile up but I barely put any time into it anymore. I just log in once a day to push myself up the search queue and blast off a bunch of meet mes. I refuse to waste my time messaging women anymore unless they have flirted with me. It's just not worth my time. Sad too, because I have a great career, am financially stable, keep fit, have a full head of hair, am 6'2" and told I'm above average looking and look younger than my age. You'd think a 42 year old with those qualities would be a hot commodity. I even like long term relationships. So it seems the women on OLD are going for the players and getting all bitter because they keep getting pumped and dumped.

 

Well at least you aren't getting completely ignored, so you have that going for you. I'm a few years younger than you but I could describe myself in a similar manner otherwise. Never been married, no kids, fit, financially secure. OLD is exactly for players to have fun. I got sucked into the mythology of people meeting their future gf, spouse, etc. and coupled with a dry spell I broke down and tried it. I'm not a player so it wasn't for me apparently.

[Casablanca]

It's just they are really unattractive. They are usually 5 to 10 years older than me and really out of shape and look like they partied hard. I never get responses from attractive women and I'm not just going for 9s and 10s, if anything I try to go for cute girls who are more likely to have a decent personality, but it seems even the 6s want Brad Pitt.

 

So basically the women who want to meet me, I have no interest in and likewise the women I want to meet think they can do better and don't respond to me. I leave my profile up but I barely put any time into it anymore. I just log in once a day to push myself up the search queue and blast off a bunch of meet mes. .

Well for starters, the hot girls dont have to initiate very often because they have tons on interest coming to them

 

The women you don't get a response from, are you just winking at them or what ever the equivalent is or do you actually send them a personalized message?

 

You're gonna have to most likely be the one who initiates; I've had a few attractive women initiate with me, one of whom I'm talking with right now, but rarely that is the case

[Smokeonthewater]

I think real life dating is better than online dating, for the reason that online people can skip the discomfort of approaching somebody personally. This is true especially for men, who usually are the ones who take the initiative in an approach. The result is that every guy and his dog writes to women online and they can write a lot of BS as well. Women are overwhelmed by messages, without having a way to select except from age and pictures. So unless a guy is not extremely good looking he doesn't get answered very frequently. It's a case of offer exceeding demand.

[trevzilla]

Well for starters, the hot girls dont have to initiate very often because they have tons on interest coming to them

 

The women you don't get a response from, are you just winking at them or what ever the equivalent is or do you actually send them a personalized message?

 

You're gonna have to most likely be the one who initiates; I've had a few attractive women initiate with me, one of whom I'm talking with right now, but rarely that is the case

 

I used to send messages but never had any luck. If I start messaging again it will be be very quick ones off a template. I know women say they hate that, but they have to look at it from our perspective, I don't have the time to pore over their profiles and write them custom messages. They can be pretty fickle too, I had an attractive 39 year old asian women click meet me this week, so I sent her a couple of messages and no reply, so I'm assuming something better came along. She could have at least replied and said so, as she is the one who initially flirted. I know the attractive women are passive, but if I click meet me or whatever all they have to do is likewise, it's the click of a button. It's just been the best way for me to get messages going because then you know at least they are interested. I am just developing a really bad attitude towards women because of OLD.

 

I read a book called Marry Him: the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough because I wanted to know what was going on with women these days just because it's so freaking hard for me to meet one at least for me. She basically admitted that because of the media women have bought the propaganda that they are goddesses. So basically 50 years ago an average guy was good enough for an average girl, but no more. Many of them feel they deserve the very best, so they are all fighting over the top guys. At the very least that seems to be the dynamic of OLD. So a bunch of them end up single into their 30s and beyond, but problem is for every women who ends up single because of poor choices, some poor guy ends up alone too even though he may be a good guy who wants long term. I'm almost at the point of acceptance now. I go much longer like this I'm going to say to hell with the rejection and humiliation and just accept being single forever and developing my hobbies and career. Every other area of my life where I have put time and effort in I have been rewarded with positive results. In dating, not so, I have almost nothing to show for the time and money I've spent since I got divorced going out and meeting women. No one will continue to do something where they see no tangible results for their time and effort. I really believe that for me my biological drives and desire for companionship have been a curse. I wish I was one of those lucky 1 in a 100 who have no desire or need for sex and relationships, I would have been much better off.

[Casablanca]

I used to send messages but never had any luck. If I start messaging again it will be be very quick ones off a template.

I sort of use a template, I have the same intro and exit, but I pick out about two things from their profile that jumped out at me and I ask them a question about it and say something like how it connects to me. Example, if she says she likes going to concerts. I say something like "I love live music. Who was the last person you saw in concert? Last concert I saw was Paul McCartney, but I've also seen a couple small local bands in bars"

 

Doesnt take a lot of time, shows them that you've read their profile and that you have something to relate with them on

[StanMusial]

I think real life dating is better than online dating, for the reason that online people can skip the discomfort of approaching somebody personally. This is true especially for men, who usually are the ones who take the initiative in an approach. The result is that every guy and his dog writes to women online and they can write a lot of BS as well. Women are overwhelmed by messages, without having a way to select except from age and pictures. So unless a guy is not extremely good looking he doesn't get answered very frequently. It's a case of offer exceeding demand.

 

This is exactly true. See my prior posting. Most of the girls you wouldn't like if you met them on the street, and the attractive ones would be more open to getting to know you if they met you at a party or in a group of friends. Common interests, intelligence, personality, etc. is trumped by photos every time. Its like the bar scene only worse. If you have your act together and are decent looking you should talk up people in your life and let them know you're looking. If you're looking for a gf/wifey type you have to find the ones that aren't putting it all out there.

[Casablanca]

I think real life dating is better than online dating, for the reason that online people can skip the discomfort of approaching somebody personally. This is true especially for men, who usually are the ones who take the initiative in an approach. The result is that every guy and his dog writes to women online and they can write a lot of BS as well. Women are overwhelmed by messages, without having a way to select except from age and pictures. So unless a guy is not extremely good looking he doesn't get answered very frequently. It's a case of offer exceeding demand.

I don't think OLD is bad or worse than meeting someone in real life, but it shouldnt be used as the only means. One should still attempt to make conversation, flirt with people out in public as you never know who will be the "one" or where you'll meet them. The thing I like about OLD is I get to meet people I'll probably never meet in real life, and I get to weed out some people that just wouldnt be my type right away.

 

I've met a girl at a party thrown by mutual friends, I get her number, we talked and texted a bit, then she brings up something about her son while we where on the phone, I ask her about it and then proceed to tell her that I'm not in a point in my life where I'll date someone with kids and that I wish her lucked. She got a little defensive, but I don't date people with kids. So there are perks to it.

[trevzilla]

I would definitely prefer the old fashioned way and have asked my share of women out in the past couple of years, but the older I get the less women in the right age range I meet. I think part of the problem is I live in a really young hipster neighborhood. I think I have to research places that single women in their 30s and 40s go to to actually meet some. I just use OLD as an extra way to get in contact with single women, but it's difficult to get a conversation going. So far every women I've gotten on the phone has met me, so it's just a matter of getting to that point.

[Misspennyapple]

Well that's Online dating for ya. Its a numbers game. You just have to message tons of women until you get a response.

 

I don't take it all that seriously. Don't let it bruise your ego, its stupid. If you can usually attract an 8 in real life, expect 5's and 6's to reject you online. That's just how it works.

 

But I still managed to pull some attractive women. Just be persistent and don't live or die based on the attention you get from goofs online.

 

And if you rate women with a number you're a pig and probably have no personality. Women aren't a number of how hot they are. We are people. We need to be rated as a whole. Not how nice our tits and ass are.

[AaronMartin]

Wow, 26 pages of a discussion...I guess it's never ending story. I guess my two cents from a guy's perspective would be - don't bother dating sites at all, go with Facebook or check out friends of friends of friends and so on - chances are you may find a like-minded guy to date with. The thing about online dating sites is that for the most part they host guys who indeed either have a problem in communication, busy like hell with their job or....already married and so you see what I mean :-)

[40 Fonzarelli]

It really doesn't take much of my time. About once a week I send messages to new members and have been getting dates here and there. Since the response rates are usually low, I feel it's not worth taking the time for a custom message. So I copy n paste the same message every time. One thing that bugs me is that women demand creative, charming messages or they swear they will not respond, but almost every time I get an initial message from a girl, it's always "hi how are you?"

[trevzilla]

It really doesn't take much of my time. About once a week I send messages to new members and have been getting dates here and there. Since the response rates are usually low, I feel it's not worth taking the time for a custom message. So I copy n paste the same message every time. One thing that bugs me is that women demand creative, charming messages or they swear they will not respond, but almost every time I get an initial message from a girl, it's always "hi how are you?"

 

That's very true, I find it hypocritical that they demand an essay customized just for them when I have never had more than a one liner from a woman and honestly I've never heard a man complain about that, we'd be more than happy with a simple hi to get the ball rolling. The princess attitude is unbelievable. I find that a large percentage of the attractive women have horrible profiles that just come off as completely snotty with a huge laundry list of demands too. Even if I could date them, a lot of them would probably be a nightmare to maintain a relationship with. One I saw today demanded good grammar when her profile was riddled with grammatical errors, and she said she was tired of guys who misrepresented themselves with misleading photos. I remember her from 4 years ago when I set up a POF account right after my divorce and she's using the exact same photos! I remember messaging her back then and her reply was I should stick to women that were my level of attractiveness, lol. What a bitch, it's no wonder she's still looking for a guy, she's extremely attractive, but has an ugly personality.

Edited January 18, 2013 by trevzilla

[FitChick]

The princess attitude is unbelievable. I find that a large percentage of the attractive women have horrible profiles that just come off as completely snotty with a huge laundry list of demands too. What a bitch, it's no wonder she's still looking for a guy, she's extremely attractive, but has an ugly personality.

 

Maybe you should only date Canadians then. They are supposed to be very polite.

[Casablanca]

That's very true, I find it hypocritical that they demand an essay customized just for them when I have never had more than a one liner from a woman and honestly I've never heard a man complain about that, we'd be more than happy with a simple hi to get the ball rolling.

It is supply and demand...the women have plenty of supply of messages, probably more than they could even want, a lot of which sound like just crappy pick up lines by PUA. I've only gotten a few worth wild contacts from attractive females, and more of those were winks and such and then if interested I responded with a message

[trevzilla]

It is supply and demand...the women have plenty of supply of messages, probably more than they could even want, a lot of which sound like just crappy pick up lines by PUA. I've only gotten a few worth wild contacts from attractive females, and more of those were winks and such and then if interested I responded with a message

 

Yep, POF is 2/3s guys. Guys have very little value on dating sites.

[Mr_Flay]

For guys who have little luck getting replies, work on your profiles. I've checked out several guy profiles out of curiosity, and they're all boring. Just a dry list of qualities they have and things they do. You can have a boring life and still spice up a description of it with some clever epithets, interesting way of writing and some soul. Yes, pour some soul into your profiles; not everybody will like it, but a lot of girls will because you'll set yourself apart from all those boring profiles. It's not a laundry list, it's a dating profile. Present yourself well and you'll do fine.

 

As for first messages, it's not about the content, it's more about style. The line I've had the most success with was something really weird and out of place on a dating site. For example, pick a boring but current topic from the local politics or something similar, like: "So, what do you think about the new ordinance on waste disposal?". It made them laugh, it got their attention, and a great conversation continued therefrom.

[sillyanswer]

One thing that bugs me is that women demand creative, charming messages or they swear they will not respond, but almost every time I get an initial message from a girl, it's always "hi how are you?"

 

Yup... nearly all the initial messages I get from women are like that (or shorter) but I still reply if they are hot. Then I get disappointed by their lack of communication ability and lose interest.

[trevzilla]

Yup... nearly all the initial messages I get from women are like that (or shorter) but I still reply if they are hot. Then I get disappointed by their lack of communication ability and lose interest.

 

True, I had a bit of back and forth with this one woman. And she would take 24 hours to send me a one line message. After about 4 days of this I gave up on her. She clearly lacked social skills or was juggling a lot of guys at once. No problem with my profile mr_flay, I've had plenty of women say they love my profile, they are just usually 50 years old and 200 pounds

[Mr_Flay]

True, I had a bit of back and forth with this one woman. And she would take 24 hours to send me a one line message. After about 4 days of this I gave up on her. She clearly lacked social skills or was juggling a lot of guys at once. No problem with my profile mr_flay, I've had plenty of women say they love my profile, they are just usually 50 years old and 200 pounds

 

Don't waste your time on women who take that long to respond. Nor should you make any effort to maintain communication with someone who sends you one-liners. If she's interested, your messages will get progressively longer. I usually invite them to a private chatroom or some other messaging service, which is more fun and dynamic than messaging, which feels like replying to forum posts. One-liners are clearly a sign of juggling several guys at once. There's a chance she might pick you and ignore the others if you turn out to be interesting enough, but I wouldn't bother.

 

Hang in there and you'll be messaged by a girl you find attractive. Believe it or not, very attractive girls take initiative too, I can attest to that. Usually because they're bored by all those freaks who can't spell or who suggest sex in the first message. If you don't like overweight girls, you can type something to the effect that you like outdoorsy/sporty/athletic girls. That should discourage them.

[balla88]

ok i got alot of questions and i cant find answers anywhere.. im a reasonably good looking early 20s guy. im your typical nice guy. so after 3 days on match (with me looking at literally nobody else's profile), i have 100+ views, 10 winks, 2 emails/IMs, and over a dozen "so and so is interested in you". like i said, i dont look at anybodys profile (meaning they dont get a notification that ive seen them so they actually have to go out of there way to click me). also, i made a profile for my buddy, with almost the same write-up as mine- he has like 5 views, and i had him wink at like 50 girls, so i dont get this as all.. im wondering are these numbers average for guys? i was under the impression that girls get all the attention, and most guys typically get nada- and if they do, its because they wink at 100 girls and then the girl will check them out. so, im wondering cuz im in my free trial, and i wanna know if this is cuz im new or will there be a sizeable dropoff afterwards?

 

onto more important things- the 1 girl i did happen to be interested (easily the hottest girl within 30 miles), i emailed (nothing outrageous, but it was cute and charming) and she insta-responded very favorably. i wrote back, and then she volunteered her number. weve been texting quite a bit (its been almost 3 days) and shell stay up with me til like 3am. last thing she said was how i seem so sincere and sweet and how everything i say makes her smile and she would really like to do something if im interested.

 

now, this girl would turn any guys head, and she has a very nice job, so im sure shed have no problems getting guys. from what i heard, hot girls could get 100 emails a day, so im wondering what amount of guys is she texting? just curious... i mean i would like to tell myself that im in elite company right now, but this whole thing required 0 effort on my part, but i cant imagine a girl like her would give her number to 100 schmoes.

 

so finally, what is my new gameplan? i have never been online dating (and im in school still, so i havent done a ton of normal dating either). idk if i should call her, but im thinking, why stop a good thing... basically im wondering if a typical first date is like coffee, or like an all out dinner and a movie type thing.. also do i pay, offer to pick her up, etc? like i said, this is my first and only pick, so i dont want to do something stupid to screw it up. also, if i made mention of the fact that shes the only girl i tried to talk to, you think shed be flattered or weirded out (or perhaps not believe me)? also, would it look bad/weird if i delete my account? like i said, im a free trial member right now, and im ignoring everyone else (and i already all but got a date with the girl i do like), so i dont see the point of me wasting my money.

[weee111]

Just ask her to do something low key (coffee or drinks). If you've just been texting a lot and haven't called just ask her in a text while you are talking. The first date isn't really a "date" it's more of a meetup to see if you click in person. If it goes well, then go on a real date.

 

You should pay, but don't get into an argument with her. Offer to pay, she'll probably refuse, tell her it's fine and that you want to pay because you asked her to meet you. If she refuses again, then split the bill. And do not even offer to pick her up, that will come off as creepy - just meet her there.

[Brunettie]

You can give her a call, or send a text asking her to hang out. Coffee is fine. Dinner is fine too. Something like that. Maybe a frozen yogurt run, go downtown, etc.

 

Umm...I guess that's a little more notice than typical. I'm not really sure. It might be kind of weird if you delete your account and she were to notice. she might think you're taking things way faster than she may be. As you said, she may be talking to multiple guys. As for telling her you're the only one you're talking to..I'm not sure...if that's a good idea or bad.