Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[SJC2008]

What I find incredibly attractive is when a guy writes a sincere, intellectually stimulating and witty message that brings up a few of the things I mentioned on my profile. It's important to me that he knows how to articulate himself. I like humor and kindness and honesty too, and there have been messages like this in my inbox.

 

Perhaps if you like some help, I can give you some advice. PM me?

 

OP there are a lot of women who say this (and this isn't a knock to lamaga:)), but this is more often than not the exception.

 

I have had more luck with bulk messages and one liner comments than well thought in depth messages by far!

 

The BEST message is a one or two line comment about something they have in their profile. Don't introduce yourself, don't ask them ANYTHING! A good personal example is that I noticed a woman whos profile I visited liked to frequent a popular vacation destination where we live. I messaged her "As embarrassing as it is to admit, I have never been to x in my 20 years here". She responded, I made a joke (still didn't introduce myself or ask her anything) and she made a joke back. Then I asked her something and at the end said "I'm x btw".

 

These "simple" messages work because it shows you read their profile, shows you're not one of the TONS of "Hey baby" sleazeballs on the site and it shows that you're not some desperate sap saying "Oh I read your profile we have so much in common!...".

 

You're still going to get ignroed a lot becasue let's face it if a woman likes your pic you can say 2+2=jello and you'll get a response back BUT trust me when I say I've gotten the most responses from this type of message. good luck!

[lamaga]

Are you model-esque good-looking?

 

Is your humor on par with a professional comedian?

 

Are you extremely tall?

 

If you are not at least one of these, you'll have some problems.

 

PS: Stop taking advice from women. They don't give good advice to men when it comes to dating.

 

 

How could you ever generalize something like that?

That's awful advice.

As a woman, I think I know what I like in men and their presentations on online dating websites.

[lamaga]

 

The BEST message is a one or two line comment about something they have in their profile. Don't introduce yourself, don't ask them ANYTHING! A good personal example is that I noticed a woman whos profile I visited liked to frequent a popular vacation destination where we live. I messaged her "As embarrassing as it is to admit, I have never been to x in my 20 years here". She responded, I made a joke (still didn't introduce myself or ask her anything) and she made a joke back. Then I asked her something and at the end said "I'm x btw".

 

These "simple" messages work because it shows you read their profile, shows you're not one of the TONS of "Hey baby" sleazeballs on the site and it shows that you're not some desperate sap saying "Oh I read your profile we have so much in common!...".

 

You're still going to get ignroed a lot becasue let's face it if a woman likes your pic you can say 2+2=jello and you'll get a response back BUT trust me when I say I've gotten the most responses from this type of message. good luck!

 

But a message like this is exactly what I was talking about when I talked about smart and witty first impressions.

What you are summarizing is exactly in short what I would have told OP in a private message.

[soccerrprp]

How could you ever generalize something like that?

That's awful advice.

As a woman, I think I know what I like in men and their presentations on online dating websites.

 

I have been OLD dating for over a year. As pleasant as your view may be, it is a single woman's view and perspective. There is one guarantee....women are also interested in what you look like. There are ways to be witty and clever, but many will not respond if you don't have that look, or height, etc.

 

It's dating online. That's all. Oh, and of course, they are being pursued by scores of other guys who are as or better looking....I have no idea why I have had good luck with it!

[lamaga]

I have been OLD dating for over a year. As pleasant as your view may be, it is a single woman's view and perspective. There is one guarantee....women are also interested in what you look like. There are ways to be witty and clever, but many will not respond if you don't have that look, or height, etc.

 

It's dating online. That's all. Oh, and of course, they are being pursued by scores of other guys who are as or better looking....I have no idea why I have had good luck with it!

 

 

Just because it is 'a single woman's view and perspective' doesn't mean other women don't think like me. Also, I think you sound a bit jaded, but of course are entitled to your opinion, as am I...

 

 

Maybe I should prove to OP by having him write a message to me on OK Cupid and see if I respond. Hahaha. Social experiment.

[colejack]

Are you model-esque good-looking?

 

Is your humor on par with a professional comedian?

 

Are you extremely tall?

 

If you are not at least one of these, you'll have some problems.

 

PS: Stop taking advice from women. They don't give good advice to men when it comes to dating.

 

Well, now that you mention it...

 

I've never modeled, but I've done some acting and have gotten a few "handsome heartthrob" parts. Personally, I like playing more eccentric characters that aren't viewed as a sexual interest as opposed to being a leading man, but I was happy to take those parts.

 

I've never gotten paid to do comedy, but I do stand up and improv comedy at some pretty well-known venues in NYC in the comedy community. Can I be a professional comedian? I don't know, I'm pursuing something else, but I'm good enough to do it as a hobby.

 

And I'm not EXTREMELY tall, but taller than most guys. I was a rower in college, which is considered a tall man's sport...though sometimes I did feel short around all the EXTREMELY tall guys.

 

Though, none of those things should really matter to that extent. If they did, only male models, comedians, and NBA stars would get women, and we would live in a doomed world if only those three groups were able to date, marry, and then have offspring.

 

Also, while some women have given me bad advice, a lot of men have given me worse advice. So, I'll give all genders a chance.

[lamaga]

Well, now that you mention it...

 

I've never modeled, but I've done some acting and have gotten a few "handsome heartthrob" parts. Personally, I like playing more eccentric characters that aren't viewed as a sexual interest as opposed to being a leading man, but I was happy to take those parts.

 

I've never gotten paid to do comedy, but I do stand up and improv comedy at some pretty well-known venues in NYC in the comedy community. Can I be a professional comedian? I don't know, I'm pursuing something else, but I'm good enough to do it as a hobby.

 

And I'm not EXTREMELY tall, but taller than most guys. I was a rower in college, which is considered a tall man's sport...though sometimes I did feel short around all the EXTREMELY tall guys.

 

Though, none of those things should really matter to that extent. If they did, only male models, comedians, and NBA stars would get women, and we would live in a doomed world if only those three groups were able to date, marry, and then have offspring.

 

Also, while some women have given me bad advice, a lot of men have given me worse advice. So, I'll give all genders a chance.

 

 

 

I mean, Crispin Glover gets game like crazy... and he's pretty scary looking...

[soccerrprp]

Just because it is 'a single woman's view and perspective' doesn't mean other women don't think like me. Also, I think you sound a bit jaded, but of course are entitled to your opinion, as am I...

 

 

Maybe I should prove to OP by having him write a message to me on OK Cupid and see if I respond. Hahaha. Social experiment.

 

You clearly do not know me. I AM FAR FROM JADED! I didn't say that other women didn't think like yourself. I simply suspect that it's not most....

 

AGAIN, not nearly jaded. Very optimistic and positive about dating as a whole.

[lamaga]

You clearly do not know me. I AM FAR FROM JADED! I didn't say that other women didn't think like yourself. I simply suspect that it's not most....

 

AGAIN, not nearly jaded. Very optimistic and positive about dating as a whole.

 

Great, I am glad we both are happy then. Now we just need to get OP happy about OLD and his game.

[colejack]

I mean, Crispin Glover gets game like crazy... and he's pretty scary looking...

 

Probably because a lot of women that go out with him are waiting for the day for some big jerk to hit on them so Crispin can then yell, "Hey you! Get your damn hands off her!" And then punch the jerk to the ground.

[lamaga]

Probably because a lot of women that go out with him are waiting for the day for some big jerk to hit on them so Crispin can then yell, "Hey you! Get your damn hands off her!" And then punch the jerk to the ground.

 

 

Hahaha, I laughed really loud just now.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Well, now that you mention it...

 

I've never modeled, but I've done some acting and have gotten a few "handsome heartthrob" parts. Personally, I like playing more eccentric characters that aren't viewed as a sexual interest as opposed to being a leading man, but I was happy to take those parts.

 

I've never gotten paid to do comedy, but I do stand up and improv comedy at some pretty well-known venues in NYC in the comedy community. Can I be a professional comedian? I don't know, I'm pursuing something else, but I'm good enough to do it as a hobby.

 

And I'm not EXTREMELY tall, but taller than most guys. I was a rower in college, which is considered a tall man's sport...though sometimes I did feel short around all the EXTREMELY tall guys.

 

Though, none of those things should really matter to that extent. If they did, only male models, comedians, and NBA stars would get women, and we would live in a doomed world if only those three groups were able to date, marry, and then have offspring.

 

Also, while some women have given me bad advice, a lot of men have given me worse advice. So, I'll give all genders a chance.

 

I'm saying for OLD man. Any guy can get girls IRL.

[soccerrprp]

Well, now that you mention it...

 

I've never modeled, but I've done some acting and have gotten a few "handsome heartthrob" parts. Personally, I like playing more eccentric characters that aren't viewed as a sexual interest as opposed to being a leading man, but I was happy to take those parts.

 

I've never gotten paid to do comedy, but I do stand up and improv comedy at some pretty well-known venues in NYC in the comedy community. Can I be a professional comedian? I don't know, I'm pursuing something else, but I'm good enough to do it as a hobby.

 

And I'm not EXTREMELY tall, but taller than most guys. I was a rower in college, which is considered a tall man's sport...though sometimes I did feel short around all the EXTREMELY tall guys.

 

Though, none of those things should really matter to that extent. If they did, only male models, comedians, and NBA stars would get women, and we would live in a doomed world if only those three groups were able to date, marry, and then have offspring.

 

Also, while some women have given me bad advice, a lot of men have given me worse advice. So, I'll give all genders a chance.

 

Okay, more serious observation on my part. If you are as good looking as you claim, then perhaps the ladies online assume that you are a player. Good looking guys, especially, are notorious for playing games and perhaps many of these ladies are suspicious that such a good looking guy could be looking for something serious. I mean, your profile is one that talks of a serious relationship as a goal, right? Not all flirty, light and witty, right? There is serious substance to how you view women or a relationship, etc. It's possible that many ladies have seen too many good looking guys playing the field and with no other intent.

 

If your profile is too fun, then I can imagine that the ladies think that's all you are after. Just saying.

 

Numbers, man, numbers. Keep contacting them. Someone will bite. Good looking prospects tend not to have a shortage of suitors.

 

Would you mind sharing your profile? The text only?

 

Good luck.

[BluEyeL]

Well, now that you mention it...

 

 

Though, none of those things should really matter to that extent. If they did, only male models, comedians, and NBA stars would get women, and we would live in a doomed world if only those three groups were able to date, marry, and then have offspring.

.

 

Yeah, but normal/average men can't get the women those stars get, just as I cannot get the male models

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Yeah, but normal/average men can't get the women those stars get, just as I cannot get the male models

 

Yeah, but that has little to do with looks, height, personality, or money.

 

If you're dating a celebrity, you're cool. WAY cooler than your friends. You're like almost famous. That's something that's important to most women (whether or not they'd care to admit that).

[BluEyeL]

Yeah, but that has little to do with looks, height, personality, or money.

 

If you're dating a celebrity, you're cool. WAY cooler than your friends. You're like almost famous. That's something that's important to most women (whether or not they'd care to admit that).

 

Of course status it's important, very important. But average guys don't compete for those women who are so "cool", so the world is not doomed. My point is, people should stop always trying to date up, I repeat. Date at your level. Look in the mirror and in your CV. Men and women. OK, I'm really thinking, especially men LOL

[colejack]

I'm saying for OLD man. Any guy can get girls IRL.

 

Maybe so, but I'm confident that I enough good things to make online dating work for me.

 

Okay, more serious observation on my part. If you are as good looking as you claim, then perhaps the ladies online assume that you are a player. Good looking guys, especially, are notorious for playing games and perhaps many of these ladies are suspicious that such a good looking guy could be looking for something serious. I mean, your profile is one that talks of a serious relationship as a goal, right? Not all flirty, light and witty, right? There is serious substance to how you view women or a relationship, etc. It's possible that many ladies have seen too many good looking guys playing the field and with no other intent.

 

If your profile is too fun, then I can imagine that the ladies think that's all you are after. Just saying.

 

Numbers, man, numbers. Keep contacting them. Someone will bite. Good looking prospects tend not to have a shortage of suitors.

 

Would you mind sharing your profile? The text only?

 

Good luck.

 

Good observation. I'm taking another look at my profile, and it's actually pretty serious and not as light-hearted and witty as I think it can be, so I don't know if me being viewed as a player is an issue.

 

Here is the first summary section of my profile:

 

The thing people realize about me soon enough is how diverse and vibrant of a person I am. I can have an intellectual discussion with you about some crazy abstract physics concept, or make you laugh hysterically by being a goof. Sometimes when I've been out with my friends I've managed to do both at the same time (I've got some crazy friends...). Over the years, I've learned how to laugh at myself and not be concerned with what others think, which has only led to more fun times. A few years ago I started doing stand up comedy and acting, and believe me, you need to learn how to be completely comfortable in front of others those things successfully.

 

I enjoy outdoor activities and tend to go kinda nuts with cabin fever if I'm kept inside too long. I'm always down for a new adventure or exploring a new location during a run or bike ride. I always said that I should've been born centuries ago when being an explorer was an actual job, but unfortunately I have to work with living in the 21st century. Some of my adventures involve a bit of daring, like playing golf or baseball in places where you shouldn't play golf or baseball (use your imagination on this one).

 

The things I value most in a person are honesty and ambition. A person who knows who they are and is not afraid to admit it always scores points in my book. I'm also the kind of guy who always needs to be busy, both physically and mentally. It's important that the girl I'm with is the same - that she keeps her body healthy and athletic and keeps her mind sharp. I don't like laziness or a lack of discipline. So...bottom line is, if you don't try to BS your way through things and have a yearning to learn new things and be active, then you'd probably get along with me. I'm ultimately looking for a long-term relationship with a girl who shares enough of my interests but still has some differences that I can learn from and grow with.

[It's Just Me]

Cole, just give it more time. OLD is neither for the impatient, nor for the faint of heart. Prepare to have some good stories to tell as time goes on. Prepare to question everything your date tells you, and pay attention to the alarm bells in your gut if something doesn't sound quite right.

 

Be yourself, be real, and don't make it the be-all and end-all of your life. But the advice here on proper marketing is spot on - make sure you have a great profile, with clear and decent pics of yourself doing what you love to do, whatever that may be.

 

It took me over 18 months of sifting through the chaff to find my current BF. We have now been together for almost two years. It can work!

[lamaga]

You know that people can now find your profile very easily, now that you posted the text... I am tempted...

[colejack]

Yeah, but normal/average men can't get the women those stars get, just as I cannot get the male models

 

Yes, but average men don't need to get those women to find a great girl perfect for them. I would love to date Jennifer Lawrence (along with a billion other guys), and I know I'm never going to, but I don't doubt the possibility that one day I can meet a normal non-famous girl I personally find just as appealing as her. And I'm totally cool with that.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Of course status it's important, very important. But average guys don't compete for those women who are so "cool", so the world is not doomed. My point is, people should stop always trying to date up, I repeat. Date at your level. Look in the mirror and in your CV. Men and women. OK, I'm really thinking, especially men LOL

 

Hahahaha a little biased there, eh?

[colejack]

You know that people can now find your profile very easily, now that you posted the text... I am tempted...

 

Resist the temptation! Actually, I don't care if you manage to find it. I put it up on a dating site for all the weirdos in the world to look at. A few more weirdos from this forum won't hurt.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Cole, just give it more time. OLD is neither for the impatient, nor for the faint of heart. Prepare to have some good stories to tell as time goes on. Prepare to question everything your date tells you, and pay attention to the alarm bells in your gut if something doesn't sound quite right.

 

Be yourself, be real, and don't make it the be-all and end-all of your life. But the advice here on proper marketing is spot on - make sure you have a great profile, with clear and decent pics of yourself doing what you love to do, whatever that may be.

 

It took me over 18 months of sifting through the chaff to find my current BF. We have now been together for almost two years. It can work!

 

See, your advice doesn't work because you're a girl. The game is WAY different for guys (which is why girls giving guys advice is pointless....they don't get our struggles just like many of us guys don't get theirs).

[Cutiepie1976]

Nonsense about good-looking guys being players! I never ignored a guy because he was tall, athletic, or good-looking. I ignored him because there was no content inside the pretty package or he gave the impression that we sought different things out of dating. That's not the impression I'm getting from the OP's posts here.

 

#1 - Get better photos. Your profile and photos matter far more than your initial message. Get those two right.

 

#2 - Perhaps lower your expectations. If, as you say, no one is responding, you're probably over-reaching. The people contacting you give you an idea of who you can reasonably get. If nothing changes with better photos, adjust your messaging activity as needed.

[colejack]

See, your advice doesn't work because you're a girl. The game is WAY different for guys (which is why girls giving guys advice is pointless....they don't get our struggles just like many of us guys don't get theirs).

 

I do agree with this that online dating seems to be very different between genders, though I don't think it's necessarily easier for women. Like she said, while she gets a ton of emails, the vast majority of them of total junk. Maybe getting tons of crappy emails is just as bad as getting no emails. Who knows? While she can't really give good insight on how I should conduct myself online, though, she can at least give insight into what few emails she has responded to and why she chose those ones.