Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[BluEyeL]

It works better than no physical compliments. If you can do both substance and compliments, it's great!! Women love compliments. It's not like you say "nice a**", that wouldn't work, but other compliments definitely!

[salparadise]

It works better than no physical compliments. If you can do both substance and compliments, it's great!! Women love compliments. It's not like you say "nice a**", that wouldn't work, but other compliments definitely!

 

Interesting indeed. Women are definitely into being validated based on their attractiveness, but my impression is that most women are so used to getting overt, insincere compliments from men who dish them out by the dozens that it can be passé and get you dismissed. Implied, subtle or veiled compliments seem to be as effective, if not better, and are safer. In any case, whether issuing compliments or connecting based on content, it's important to personalize as much as possible. This means being specific and not generalizing because you want to come across as being interested in her unique qualities, to the exclusion of all others.

[salparadise]

I am wondering if perhaps a woman's motivation to begin dating a new guy, start a new relationship is seasonal?

 

Over the past several weeks I've had more success with OLD than any other time. I haven't really changed the profile much. I did notice that hey have me labeled as "Replies selectively" which perhaps piques interest a bit. I even have a couple of attractive ladies pursuing somewhat aggressively, which is almost unheard of! Some are new contacts and some are from months ago with renewed interest. I can't follow through with all of them. I will have to try and figure out which have potential. It's strange- having several good options. It reverses the roles in a sense... having to play it like the women do... turning up enthusiasm with some and keeping others on simmer and at the same time keeping them interested.

 

Anyway, something really seems to have turned a corner and I can't figure out if it's a seasonal thing, subtle things I'm doing better, or just the randomness that sometimes happens... like getting a run of five heads in a row when flipping a coin. Ladies, is it just because it's springtime?

[MidwestUSA]

That must be it, you hooked me just by posting! (Two boys and a girl, for the record. Perfect little angels they are, too!).

[serial muse]

I am wondering if perhaps a woman's motivation to begin dating a new guy, start a new relationship is seasonal?

 

Over the past several weeks I've had more success with OLD than any other time. I haven't really changed the profile much. I did notice that hey have me labeled as "Replies selectively" which perhaps piques interest a bit. I even have a couple of attractive ladies pursuing somewhat aggressively, which is almost unheard of! Some are new contacts and some are from months ago with renewed interest. I can't follow through with all of them. I will have to try and figure out which have potential. It's strange- having several good options. It reverses the roles in a sense... having to play it like the women do... turning up enthusiasm with some and keeping others on simmer and at the same time keeping them interested.

 

Anyway, something really seems to have turned a corner and I can't figure out if it's a seasonal thing, subtle things I'm doing better, or just the randomness that sometimes happens... like getting a run of five heads in a row when flipping a coin. Ladies, is it just because it's springtime?

 

I think there is a seasonal quality to it - people are starting to think about summertime and outdoors activities and oh, I don't know, picnics and whatnot, and I think those fantasies include someone to do stuff with. I think men and women both open up more to dating when the weather turns warmer.

[FitChick]

I was talking to my sister about this. I told her about how I write messages that ask questions, talk about stuff we have in common, avoid physical compliments, etc.

 

Her reaction? She said she skips those messages when she gets them, preferring to reply back to the ones that say "you look cute" or "nice eyes".

 

Totally confused me...

 

That wouldn't work on me. I don't need to be told something obvious: "You're tall." I want someone who can show me his intelligence and humor.

[jcm101]

I hate OLD.

 

I have long convos with chicks and then suddenly when it comes to asking for number or FB, it's over. Was talking this cute chick who goes to same college and said we have to hit the bars together. She agreed then I asked for number and it was over.

[Veronica2025]

I love men who are super smart, who love science, can discuss the human genome project, are trying to learn other languages, and etc. Where it can be a turn off for some, it is a HUGE turn on for me. But...with men who are lovers of science there can be some odd and strange fascinations such as Miley Cyrus.

 

That is a definite don't. Don't hit me with Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift. Even if your favorite song is Party in the U.S.A, save it for when I can swallow it and not picture you shaving to the song. I just saw something like this after being excited about a guy's profile. I'm somewhat of a nerd myself yet that statement killed my interest.

 

Anyone else? I'm sure I could use some tips myself.

[carhill]

Don't be a keyboard romeo/juliet.

 

Do press flesh, as soon as practical/possible.

[Estate]

I love men who are super smart, who love science, can discuss the human genome project, are trying to learn other languages, and etc. Where it can be a turn off for some, it is a HUGE turn on for me. But...with men who are lovers of science there can be some odd and strange fascinations such as Miley Cyrus.

 

That is a definite don't. Don't hit me with Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift. Even if your favorite song is Party in the U.S.A, save it for when I can swallow it and not picture you shaving to the song. I just saw something like this after being excited about a guy's profile. I'm somewhat of a nerd myself yet that statement killed my interest.

 

Anyone else? I'm sure I could use some tips myself.

 

I mean this sounds like ridiculous advice:

So you like nerdy guys who don't like pop music.... so you are telling ALL guys that is what their profile should be like.

 

But the next girl probably has NO interest in science and loves Pop music and probably actually has a sense of humor and gets the joke when a guy puts something like that in his profile.... so to this girl, the guys profile is already perfect.

 

 

I think in this case, it's not so much as a definite don't for guys but rather, don't date girls without much of a sense of humor and are too fast to judge.

[Veronica2025]

I mean this sounds like ridiculous advice:

So you like nerdy guys who don't like pop music.... so you are telling ALL guys that is what their profile should be like.

 

But the next girl probably has NO interest in science and loves Pop music and probably actually has a sense of humor and gets the joke when a guy puts something like that in his profile.... so to this girl, the guys profile is already perfect.

 

 

I think in this case, it's not so much as a definite don't for guys but rather, don't date girls without much of a sense of humor and are too fast to judge.

 

 

Jokes like that don't translate well in black and white. That's the whole point. Even if he's not serious, sounds like he is. This is my opinion. Take it from there. The same way you misinterpreted my intentions for example. And again my opinion. But your's is valid as well because if I don't get the humor , we're not going to be on the same page.

[SunsetRed]

Don't talk about love, soul mates, living together within the first few dates. Major creepy when that happens

[Estate]

Jokes like that don't translate well in black and white. That's the whole point. Even if he's not serious, sounds like he is. This is my opinion. Take it from there. The same way you misinterpreted my intentions for example. And again my opinion. But your's is valid as well because if I don't get the humor , we're not going to be on the same page.

 

Yeah but that means you have no place dating the guy, you dont have the same sense of humor.

 

Another girl might just think it was funny or quirky or that the fact he was willing to add a little dumb humor meant he could be fun.

 

This isn't like saying "Don't talk about your ex, religion or politics" which can turn off 99% of women if you put it right out there....

 

This is you basically saying "I am the prize, if you want to score a date with me, all men should only list things I am interested in".

 

Sorry honey but it doesn't work that way... you are just being superficial. If he wrote something you don't like then you are not compatible, changing his profile isn't going to change that. He should date another girl who likes his sense of humor. You are not such a golden prize that all men should change who they are to date you.

[edgygirl]

You're being superficial and not easy going. I know as I like the exact same type of men.

 

They all have some weird quirk but I find it hilarious and endearing. My nerdy ex would listen to Slayer... And Lindsey Lohan (sp?). LOL! I found it hilarious as it showed his weird sense of humor which I came to love later.

[happykat]

An online don't that I've had a problem with--

 

Don't fall for the profile. Pick a good profile, but have no expectations. I tend to "fall" for guys who have funny, personable profiles that have no misspellings and correct grammar. But sometimes they just don't live up to what they write..

[todreaminblue]

i think that they should show their quirks...i listen to really cheesy songs.....i wouldn't judge a guy having eclectic musical tastes......i think fi a guy has an open mind and heart then everything else is just "stuff"....lol....stuff which may or may have no use.......the only thing i would hope for.....is.....dont be freaking married and be a player...the rest can add fuel to conversation.....and probably teasing and loads of smiles...cheesy songs have purpose......they can be oddly cool..........deb

[sillyanswer]

I hate OLD.

 

I have long convos with chicks and then suddenly when it comes to asking for number or FB, it's over. Was talking this cute chick who goes to same college and said we have to hit the bars together. She agreed then I asked for number and it was over.

 

You failed at "long convos". After a short "convo" say something like let's carry on this chat in person. Drink on Friday? and that way if they are wasting your time they've wasted less of it.

[Veronica2025]

Yeah but that means you have no place dating the guy, you dont have the same sense of humor.

 

Another girl might just think it was funny or quirky or that the fact he was willing to add a little dumb humor meant he could be fun.

 

This isn't like saying "Don't talk about your ex, religion or politics" which can turn off 99% of women if you put it right out there....

 

This is you basically saying "I am the prize, if you want to score a date with me, all men should only list things I am interested in".

 

Sorry honey but it doesn't work that way... you are just being superficial. If he wrote something you don't like then you are not compatible, changing his profile isn't going to change that. He should date another girl who likes his sense of humor. You are not such a golden prize that all men should change who they are to date you.

 

He wasn't joking. His favorite artist is Miley Cyrus. This particular guy is 30 by the way, not an excusable 20 in my opinion. To assist with painting a better picture., he also listed that he had never been in a romantic relationship. That wasn't a turn off for me but because this is online ...I, as a woman...looking for a man older than myself ...focused in on Miley Cyrus and connotated it with possibly a certain maturity level.

 

And I suggest this tip because I feel that there are a lot of women, maybe not all, maybe not many, who will come to the same conclusion as I. If he likes M.C. it's better to withhold it for a while instead of spill it on the 1st date or online.

 

 

 

I'm not saying I'm a prize . I'm saying that if a guy wants the prize of a date with a woman than certain things shouldn't be listed to attract someone.

 

Believe me, I love quirks. I won't date someone unless I find them interesting. Yet, there is a difference between interesting and strange. Also, in order to be with someone quirky and different, one makes a lot of allowances. If you knew me, you would seriously view me as one of the least superficial people you know.

[salparadise]

Is this regarding online dating?

 

If it's online dating, I can believe that to a certain extent but I certainly don't believe that about real life dating. I know an awful lot of men who have nothing going for themselves who are dating nice and attractive women

 

Yes, online. That's what this thread is. However, I don't think that there is a huge difference between online and real life. Many factors seem to be essentially the same but somewhat reordered.

 

The primary reordered aspect is initial filtering. In real life we might go for a walk in a city and pass a thousand women along the way. The vast majority we don't even notice. There might be 10 stunning beauties that turn our heads, and 25 very cute women that just have an attractive aura. The vast majority won't give us a glance unless we're a top five guy. If one of them does give us a glance, it's an invitation to approach. If the guy approaches and doesn't screw it up by going nervous, frozen, or tongue-tied, he can get a date. And if he does there's a pretty good chance of a second and third date. This is because part of the chemistry, the intuitive-visual-aura, was factored in when the woman selected the guy as a potential mate. Assuming the chemistry remains strong, both are socially well adjusted, and no deal-breaker information come out, they will jump each other's bones, perhaps even commit to lifelong pair bonding.

 

Now, in online dating we place more emphasis on the info we have access to first, as we do in real life, but since it comes in a different order, the emphasis is changed. Both genders are hard-wired and environmentally adapted to the real life order. It's difficult to do change and it makes people uncomfortable. In online dating the emphasis is on information. Notice that information comes last and it deemphasized in the real life scenario. As long as chemistry is strong and no deal breakers are discovered, information is somewhat irrelevant.

 

Yes, we try to use pics to simulate the intuitive-aura-visual appeal but it's ineffective––a point of confusion to our brains. A pic is to a person as the symbol O2 is to oxygen. It's representative in our minds only, and describes the element in a way that has some meaning to us, but you can't breath it. A symbol is not the thing it symbolizes, obviously. What's missing are the intuitive-aura-visual elements that determine chemistry. We only see a few facial-proportional cues, which is not enough.

 

So we browse perhaps a hundred profiles, cognitively analyze information, and intuitively ingest the facial-proportional cues. We try to substitute text-based communication for a few moments of actual interaction, and somehow have the expectation that the chemistry will be there when we meet in person. We give it a few tries and if we don't find chemistry after meeting perhaps a dozen people, we become frustrated and conclude that online dating doesn't work.

 

It's not that it doesn't work, it's that it doesn't work the same way. If you quit expecting the filtering to be as efficient as real life encounters, quit thinking that info + pic + text = chemistry, and accept that we will only find mutual attraction and chemistry in perhaps only one out of hundreds or a thousand pairings, it seems much more reasonable. It's a numbers thing in real life and online. Most people will find a match if they meet enough people, and they will become frustrated if they have high expectations for a great match within the first few.

 

People who have a lot of natural charisma but don't photograph well or express themselves well in writing may find success much easier in real life. People who are excellent writers and have good facial proportions and symmetry will probably do well online. People who have problems with eye contact and go silent or tongue-tied in the presence of attractive members of the opposite sex will fail at the point of in-person interaction either way.

 

I am an introvert who writes ok, and I'm not the life of the party so to speak, so I am finding some success online. I'm an NT in the MBTI so I find that I'm able to connect better with brainiacs than social butterflies. I am tall, and tall women have a much smaller pool of men to choose from assuming they prefer a man who is taller than they are (true for most women). So I use the information given online to focus on women who are pushing six feet (5' 9" and up) with advanced degrees and an analytical style. Plus I am attracted to this type, so I've found something of a niche that seems to be working. Someone with a lot of natural charisma may do much better in real life, but that doesn't mean online dating sucks for everyone. Play to your strengths and keep a positive outlook, and don't give up.

[hppr]

I never had to compliment a woman to get her interested. In fact I teased something about her. It wasn't rude just playfully teasing. This is in real life thought I never tried it online.

 

It works online too.

 

I remember this hot girl who had a ranting profile (every guy wants sex, no guy wants to get to know ME, blah blah blah) so I sent her a smartass message and ended up with going on a date with her. She turned out to be bipolar or something but hey it worked.

[Phantom888]

In the end, you just gotta be truthful. If you lie online, you are gonna be busted when you meet. There is definitely someone for everyone.

[jcm101]

edit:.....,,,,,

Edited May 31, 2013 by jcm101

[ReelAhdvice]

online dating gives you the illusion there are a lot of choices, but unless you are going to put your guards down and be open, its become an attractiveness emotional booster...when you get winks, emails, pings, views - i guess it makes you are a good looking, interest-able person...but if you cannot maintain a two way stream of communication, you come off as unlikeable and delusional that the next person is a better match.

[Roadkill007]

I came across an amusing satirical "article" on online dating, and I wanted to share it with you all

 

5 Reasons Your Online Dating Profile Isn't Working | Cracked.com

[jcm101]

Signed up and been getting messages, decent response rate, even met up with one, but I still have my grips with it and will probably get off it soon.

 

My biggest thing with it is how if you're not quick with getting the girl's number, you're basically screwed. And I mean for ex: You're talking to someone and she signs off. If she's even remotely good looking, the next time she signes on she's going to sign in with an inbox of at least 10 messages with possibly a better guy who messaged her and now you're just forgotten. This same thing applies to after going on a date. She or you, aren't going to delete your account after one date and you sure as hell know she'll be signing on that night.