Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[HappyLove]

I was never 'overwhelmed' with messages, but the vast majority I did receive were from guys I did not find desirable. They clearly did not read my profile at all and/or were just hitting on me with "hey beautiful/sexy/etc" BS.

 

I too had also done my share of initiating, and the responses I received were few, but turned into dates/relationships. If I were to ever try OLD again, which is highly unlikely, I would send more initial messages.

 

 

I think that hey sexy stuff also depends on the site. I found that much more frequently on free sites, where much more random not serious people sign up.

[Keenly]

Man this thread is depressing for me. I'm very charismatic in person but I can't write a good first message to save my life. It would be looked over immediately . X_x

[Eternal Sunshine]

I got very few responses when initiating. So poor, that I stopped doing it.

Very few that responded flaked on meting up.

 

If I see a guy I like, I will visit his profile, he can see me on his visitors list and message me if he wants.

 

I get TONS of messages from guys I would not consider in a million years

[mesmerized]

I got very few responses when initiating. So poor, that I stopped doing it.

Very few that responded flaked on meting up.

 

If I see a guy I like, I will visit his profile, he can see me on his visitors list and message me if he wants.

 

I get TONS of messages from guys I would not consider in a million years

 

My response rate is like 40 percent I think on one certain site. And like you said, it mostly ends up in them or sometimes me flaking. Another site I sent four messages, no responses and I got out of there lol I would still prefer to message than wait around tho.

[Anela]

My response rate is like 40 percent I think on one certain site. And like you said, it mostly ends up in them or sometimes me flaking. Another site I sent four messages, no responses and I got out of there lol I would still prefer to message than wait around tho.

 

You've both made me feel a little better, because I remember only getting a couple of responses, and those men weren't really interested, but were nice.

 

I signed up for HerWay.com, and occasionally receive emails about men on the site. It's a place I heard about on this board, earlier this year. I have yet to message anyone, but it's a site where the women can keep their profiles hidden, unless they choose to let someone see it.

[ScreamingTrees]

For some reason I think this is too forward - if you are their type, then they will message you, right? Or at least that's the idea I've always had. I guess I feel like it seems kind of desperate to message guys. Maybe I just need to get over it. Will a "wink" work? And what do you say - "Hey, ask me out." Um, okay.

 

I really suck at OLD

 

Well, whatever you do, you'd better figure it out for your own sake, nobody's going to pull good things off of the highest shelves just to drop into your lap while you're sitting indian-style on the floor.

[KatZee]

Overwhelmed? Absolutely not. There seems to be this general assumption by guys that us women have hundreds of messages, and dozens of men bombarding us with messages on a daily basis.

 

This really isn't accurate at all.

 

I had a Match account for a month, and I've been on OKCupid for a few months now. Match was really terrible, and I cancelled after a month. I just checked my OKC account and I currently have 39 messages.

 

39. Between July 11 and August 28. So you can see, really not that "overwhelmed."

 

I'm sure if I was a more frequent user I would have more messages, I notice that if you don't log in on a semi regular basis, your profile kind of goes to the bottom of the barrel, and when you log in your profile shoots up and members will see your profile more in searches.

 

If I don't log on, I will go weeks with zero messages. When I log on, I will have maybe 3-4 people reaching out within a 1-2 day span.

[jacg89]

I don't dislike it for that reason...

 

It actually makes me feel good when I get so many replies that so many people would be interested in talking to me.. The disappointing moment(s) are when after you give them your phone # they start acting weird, controlling, or in my case, most people ive ended up giving my number to seem to be clingy. ANYWAY... I haven't met anybody face to face yet. There is just a difference from talking to them online, yeah, you can have a good conversation, but you don't really feel a click.. and I am waiting to see if I will ever feel something for somebody before I actually meet them..

[Mr_Flay]

1 hour away is borderline, but anything more is too much. If you both work, it will prevent you from seeing each other, except on weekends, which you might find too seldom, especially if you really hit it off. Plus, it has all the makings of a LDR right from the start.

[hopefulforlove]

That is the reason I got off the dating site I was on too overwhelming...but I did meet some guys off there met one.. very ackward he was too shy for me..two shy people doesn't work.. then I went on two dinner dates... no sex.. then I dated one fellow for 3 months dude couldn't get over his ex.. then now I AM CURRENTLY dating one of the men I met off the site now..for almost four months ..

so my point is its a real good thing but way too overwhelming..its flattering to get so many replies..some creepy as ****..but hey it takes ALL kinds to make the world go round

most replies were from my picture.. which can mean they only want one thing.. but all in all I highly recommend it ..if you can handle all the response.. just saying is all

[irc333]

Some advise when going on dates through people you meet online should be quick and easy "meets" as opposed to dates.

 

However, do you sometimes gauge it prior to meeting?

 

For instance, the woman by no doubt is physically attractive, you are laughing it up and flirting big time on the phone and in the email correspondence, BOTH of you are rather highly impressed with each other prior to meeting.

 

Like considering both your likes and interest schedule like a couple of hour date doing kayaking or some kind of concert event or just a walk around downtown?

 

At this point, do you think you'd be up for something longer, OR do you do it AS you go along?

 

Like you meet for a drink, then if things are going well, suggest something after that.

 

"Hey, would you care to 'walk off' that food we just ate?"

[soccerrprp]

Personally, I have never had a "meet n greet" for the first encounter with a woman from OLD. My MO is to email for a bit and then have a few telephone conversations to gauge my interest, compatibility, etc. Once I'm sold, then I always suggest a date. But I also start off the dates with an event that would allow either of us to bail if things are not looking good, so, essentially, I plan a date with built in escape opportunities. Luckily, I have yet to use them or be a victim of one of them...

[sillyanswer]

My advice in this area: Don't have a rule. Do go with the flow.

 

I'm not afraid of a lunchtime date, where there's unlikely to be scope for extending it even if we're having a good time, but in the evenings it's easy to suggest getting another drink or moving to another bar, or as you suggested walking off dinner. A date that doesn't get extended isn't necessarily a 'fail', either.

[paperboy48]

I get TONS of messages from guys I would not consider in a million years

 

Why not? What was wrong with them?

[string of letters]

If I see a guy I like, I will visit his profile, he can see me on his visitors list and message me if he wants.

 

Ah, I cannot speak for other males, but for me this is a turn off. I often elect to read this is as 'saw my profile, and presumably was not interested, because she can't be bothered to say anything at all'. It actually biases me AGAINST the person somewhat - I mean, it might decrease the odds of contacting someone I might've contacted otherwise.

 

If the person looks at my profile twice with no comment, I tend to assume that the person is either forgetful, or especially passive, so much so that it might even be hard to have a relationship with the person (I'm well aware how totally inaccurate this could be, it's just a feeling that, for whatever reason, is hard to avoid).

 

Maybe someone will pounce on me because I can't imagine these comments cast me in an especially great light, but I'm just trying to give an honest account of how things can look from the other side.

Edited August 29, 2013 by string of letters
Typo

[sillyanswer]

Are there women out there that dislike Online dating because they receive too much interest from men?

 

Yes, that's what an ex of mine told me. Her solution was to not bother trying to keep up with the messages but when she wanted to go on another date she would just read through the recent messages (presumably looking at the photos/profile as well) and just reply to the first one she liked. She didn't even bother looking at the vast majority of the messages she received.

[Mascara]

It's common to hear that it's a numbers game, and that men should message as many women as possible to get a good response rate.

 

But I honestly think men would get a better deal if they didn't carpet bomb every female profile. I've had friends receive the same messages from the same people. As a dating site mod, I've seen men just sending out messages indiscriminately.

 

Men who say they're sending out 100 messages a day and annoyed about getting no response - well, that's kind of the problem isn't it.

 

And those that ARE a bit more thoughtful.... they get lost in the noise.

 

So I don't know what the answer is. Maybe a dating site that limits you to sending 5 messages a day. Everyone might think a little more carefully then.

[ForgetMeNots]

Once you get that mystical phone number, Boom - All the crazy lets loose.

 

Yall know what I'm talking bout.

 

So what's your craziest encounter of this kind?

[salparadise]

I don't dislike it for that reason...

 

[...] I haven't met anybody face to face yet. There is just a difference from talking to them online, yeah, you can have a good conversation, but you don't really feel a click.. and I am waiting to see if I will ever feel something for somebody before I actually meet them..

 

Do you really expect to really feel "the click" through messaging online. About 99 percent of attraction occurs through extremely subtle mannerisms, body language, eye contact, mirroring and so forth. It's nonverbal and subconscious. Of course you want to be rational in determining if someone meets basic criteria, but then go on a date and just have a good time. Keep investment low until you encounter someone who flips your switch.

 

When that happens give the person your undivided attention for awhile and give things a chance to develop. Keeping your options open, continuing to message others, leads to dissatisfaction and the inability to make a choose even when it's a good choice.

 

The paradox of choice is perhaps one of the biggest problems with online dating. This aspect deserves it's own post or thread I think.

[Babolat]

What do you mean? It's always in the database?

 

I thought you just unsubscribe and then your profile is deleted.

 

Yikes.

 

The only site I've ever used was okcupid and it sucked ass.

 

I heard plentyoffish was a great place for easy sex but I didn't want easy sex but rather a cool girl to date and see where it went.

 

Oh well. I'm very glad those headaches are over.

 

I deleted, I unsubscribved, I did everything. I am still there to this day. I can still login and see my profile, and so can others if I "Unhide myself". I had to Hide my profile.

 

Google it..lots of complaints, even law sutis I think, on this.

[Babolat]

If you're a man, do not use OLD unless:

 

1) you are extremely good-looking and tall

2) you are extremely witty

 

You will be unsuccessful if you do not have at least 100% of one of these and 75% of the other.

 

If you're a woman and you are unsuccessful at OLD, well, that's just a giant fail. You need to have more realistic standards if you can't even find one guy that you like out of the hundreds that are messaging you.

 

I tend to agree based on the feedback i got when I did OLD 2 years ago. Reading this thread yesterday, I asked my ex gf last night what her initial impressions were of me and she stated #1 and #2 immediately, in that order.

 

The #1 thing I heard when I met women OLD was "you are taller than I thought" and two "youe wit, humor and charm in your emaILS caught my attention"

 

I never said "you are sexy, beautiful, hot, etc". I would just "start a conversation" usually based on something in their profile I liked. And I kept it brief.

 

I even had friends asking me to write emails for them; I would never do it though.

[Babolat]

It's common to hear that it's a numbers game, and that men should message as many women as possible to get a good response rate.

 

But I honestly think men would get a better deal if they didn't carpet bomb every female profile. I've had friends receive the same messages from the same people. As a dating site mod, I've seen men just sending out messages indiscriminately.

 

Men who say they're sending out 100 messages a day and annoyed about getting no response - well, that's kind of the problem isn't it.

 

And those that ARE a bit more thoughtful.... they get lost in the noise.

 

So I don't know what the answer is. Maybe a dating site that limits you to sending 5 messages a day. Everyone might think a little more carefully then.

 

Great point. I was very selective with who I contacted when I did OLD.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am sure you always know the right thing to say

MrBunnyWithThePancake.

[RedRobin]

I'm not a fan of drinks/dinner/lunch/coffee for a first meeting.

 

Would rather do something active. Mostly because, if they aren't active then it's gonna be a deal breaker no matter how great the conversation or how cute they are.

 

... and I've come across way too many people who say they do this or that and they obviously... don't.

 

So, to answer your question... something that can be done in less than an hour and involves walking, running, biking... etc. Any of those work for me. Those are usually free too..

[Babolat]

I am sure you always know the right thing to say

MrBunnyWithThePancake.

 

Thanks ES; luv the new pic!

 

I think it comes down to just being who you are when you contact someone on OLD, only electronically. Be a gentlemen, be respectful, be funny/witty if you are (don't if you have to force it), be honest and sincere.

 

I remember an email conversation with the ex over match before we met. I walked by a girl scout cookie stand one day and metioned to her I purchased 5 packs, though I really did not want them, did it to give them some money, and was going to take them to work on Monday. The next day I made reference to having 4 packs left, to kind of test her wit and memory. She immmediately busted on me for eating an entire box in one day, which I liked. She could "roll" with me if you will.

 

She also mentioned going out with friends 2 nights in a row and I noticed her age changed during that time, so I knew it was her birthday, so I teased her about it. She replied with some wit too.

 

So, be yourself, don't out think it. Yeah, lots of competition out there, though you will shine if you are yourself and it's a match.

 

To the poster who said she would visit a mans page so they could she she did, I alwasy liked this and would send a message if I liked their profile.

 

I also never sent a messahe to someone who was not active. If you had not been on in over a week or two, I did not send a message.