Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[SJC2008]

Dude, I am. Really. Haven't found the one, yet, but i've been extremely fortunate to have found some really nice, put-together, sane ladies.

 

I'm optomistic about it. I've gotten an average of about a date a month but given my living situation and that I'm not done with school my "pool" is limited. I'll be done with school this summer and can't wait to get my OWN place. As obvoius as it sounds I've heard having your own place gives you a huge leg up in dating!

[fortyninethousand322]

True. Still, not too encouraging.

[FitChick]

ALWAYS talk on the phone and always arrange this phone call before you even plan a date to meet. You can tell SO much by a phone call. And if you have already planned a date to meet and the phone call doesn't go well, then it's harder to get out of it. The phone call is very important.

When a phone call doesn't go well and we agree to meet, the meeting is generally bad. Communication is very important to me. I am not a mind reader and I don't like second guessing someone.

 

I've had half a dozen funny, chatty emails with someone new and we will probably be talking this weekend. I am hoping the transition to phone will be smooth. Fingers crossed!

[curlygirl40]

When a phone call doesn't go well and we agree to meet, the meeting is generally bad. Communication is very important to me. I am not a mind reader and I don't like second guessing someone.

 

I've had half a dozen funny, chatty emails with someone new and we will probably be talking this weekend. I am hoping the transition to phone will be smooth. Fingers crossed!

 

Fingers crossed!! I have never had a bad phone call followed by a good date. It just seems like I can almost tell on the phone that there's not going to be chemistry. It's strange.

 

Good luck FitChick!

[Ordinaryday]

I have used online dating for awhile now and I have noticed something peculiar about many of the so called online Dating help guides. Often their tips are completely clueless or actually only helpful if online dating works the way it is supposed to. For example, a common 'tip' I have seen is thst when initially messaging a girl, in order to stand out from the crowd, you should take the time to read her profile and send her a brilliant, well thought out funny message that directly references something in her profile so she knows she isn't getting a form letter.

 

In theory this sounds good... IN practice, not so much. I can't count the number of times I have seen a girls profile and noticed all the things we have in common and spent about 45 minutes drafting this amazing, opening letter which directly references something in her profile, makes a joke, asks her a question and is generally a great opening letter... Only to have the girl completely ignore it. Before anyone responds with 'she doesn't owe you a response' I am aware of that. But nevertheless, it is so frustrating to waste all this time sending EACH WOMAN an individual, amazing letter, only to have them ignore them.

 

I long ago realized that it is much easier to have a 'letter template' that you send initially, and you just change a few things for each person. It saves heaps of time, and if they never respond, well you are in the exact same place you would have been If you sent them a great letter, but you saved 45 minutes.

 

Other things I learned:

 

1. There are HEAPS of scammers on those sites. Never UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES respond to ANYONE who mentions they live or work in Nigeria or Russia. They are a scammer. You would think no one would fall for this but I googled it and heaps of people do.

2. Learn to spot the tell tale signs of a scammer. I can onl speak from a mans perspective, but female scammers (or men pretending to be female) tend to write in very broken English, call you 'dear' or 'sweetheart' or other terms of endearment straight away and they all use photos where they look like supermodels. If you get an email from one of them, be suspicious.

3. Don't get excited too fast. In my early online dating days, I would get a few responses from a girl and get all excited thinking I had finally gotten somewhere and then she would just disappear on me. Or even worse, I actually had dates planned with some girls and they would cancel at the last minute, or, worse, simply not show up. I learned tht even if you are exchanging letters with someone and things seem to be going well... Don't get excited and think you have finally lucked out until you have had a few successful IN PERSON dates. I was told that people on those sites often speak to several different people St once, to decide who they 'like best'. Be aware that the person you're chatting to is likely chatting to other people, as they have every right to do.

4. Don't respond to people who message you from other countries. Mot of them are scammers, and the few that aren't live so far away that a relationship is out of the question.

5. Be aware that everyone highlights their good points and doesn't mention their bad points, on these sites. And yes, many people outright lie. So be aware that the person who claims to 'work in promotions' might REALLY mean they are one of those people who hand out flyers in the street.

 

Online Dating is very hard and soul destroying, even more so for men. Women literally get HUNDREDS of messages a week, a guy if he is lucky, might get one a month, and that is being optimistic. Be aware of that.

 

I still haven't gotten anywhere on these sites, but at least I havent been scammed, like some people are. Do you have any ideas on how to be more successful at it?

[TheBladeRunner]

I still haven't gotten anywhere on these sites, but at least I havent been scammed, like some people are. Do you have any ideas on how to be more successful at it?

 

I have dabbled w/ OLD and I actually had some luck getting dates. Not sure what it was, I am older, not divorced yet (separated and out of the house), and I have a younger child. Although I have decided for my own reasons to lay-off dating all together for now, I found some difficult stuff to deal with regarding finding a date online.

 

1. Getting woman that I did contact and they did respond were hard to get on the phone, the majority seemed to want to communicate through texting and what was the biggest bummer it was all 5 word sentences. My question is how can I get to know someone though these "mindless one-liners"?

 

2. OK, don't flame me for this one please! I am older, I am not Brad Pitt, I am not wealthy; I am an average guy as far as I am concerned here and I have a few extra pounds, but not that over weight for a guy my age. My biggest hang up is the photos! Every date I had (a total of 6 over 5 weeks) did not look remotely like their photo. Like I said, I am older and a few extra pounds do not bother me, but I would meet these woman in person and not only did they look at least 10 years older than they did in their photos, but what looked to be maybe an extra 20 -25 pounds in their photo (which I am OK with) was more like 50 pounds in person! And no, I am not kidding. Like I said, a few pounds is fine, but if I am basing my decision to contact and date a woman, an accurate photo would be nice.

 

3. My suggestion to OLD is not to do it (for me anyway). When I do get back in the swing of things I am going to try to meet a woman in the "real world". I don't know, maybe it's my age, but the OLD thing just isn't for me.

[fortyninethousand322]

2. Learn to spot the tell tale signs of a scammer. I can onl speak from a mans perspective, but female scammers (or men pretending to be female) tend to write in very broken English, call you 'dear' or 'sweetheart' or other terms of endearment straight away and they all use photos where they look like supermodels. If you get an email from one of them, be suspicious.

4. Don't respond to people who message you from other countries. Mot of them are scammers, and the few that aren't live so far away that a relationship is out of the question.

 

Number 2 describes this girl I've been talking to from OLD. Except the part about looking like a supermodel. But she has called me "dear" or "babe" which I thought was rather odd. Though, she didn't list on her profile that she lived overseas, it said she about 10 minutes away from me.

 

Some chance she's a scammer I suppose. Would explain why she doesn't want to chat via webcam...

[apple OR orange]

not for me, god I don't think I've been rejected 13 times in my entire life

 

Your starting premises might be off a tad...

 

You seem to indicate you have been accepted the moment you start talking then are rejected, meaning can’t seem to work out why people don’t call you back (therefore meaning you need a reason why they don’t contact you back).

 

Meanwhile on planet earth it works the other way around.

 

You start off as they will never call you, not till about a year in to something you can expect them to explain why they stopped calling.

[Ordinaryday]

Number 2 describes this girl I've been talking to from OLD. Except the part about looking like a supermodel. But she has called me "dear" or "babe" which I thought was rather odd. Though, she didn't list on her profile that she lived overseas, it said she about 10 minutes away from me.

 

Some chance she's a scammer I suppose. Would explain why she doesn't want to chat via webcam...

 

Yeah, a lot of scammers pretend to be from your local area but then claim that they are going to Russia/Nigeria for business/family emergency and then you will get a sob story from them trying to hit you up for money.

 

Scammers just use templates, since they are messaging many guys at once. they call people 'dear' and 'babe' because 1) it makes the guy think she is falling for him, and 2) by using generic terms of endearment they can send the EXACT SAME LETTER TO MANY GUYS, and it lessens the risk of them forgetting which guy they are speaking to and calling you by the wrong name.

 

Anyway, just google parts of their letters, most of them come up word for word on scambusting sites.

[happykat]

Can I ask a technical question about pof?... I've been on for almost a week and decided to delete my account. Before I did I sent a message to a few guys that I had been having decent message/conversations with, letting them know and I gave them an email address to contact me. Will those messages disappear once my account disappears? Does anyone know?

[PogoStick]

It's interesting to see the mindsets and experiences that are revealed just from some headlines.

Not so good

Looking for a confident manly man -- not horrible but there's better

My kids come first -- ok...

Insert clever headline -- yes please do

They ask for "real" but run when they get it -- I don't want your baggage

Any good ones left? -- more baggage

No games -- baggage

Looking for an honest guy -- that's it? baggage

Let's try this again -- better luck next time!

 

Better

Goofy passionate and a lot of fun! -- feels fun and approachable

What can you teach me? -- invites the man to be natural and masculine

I'm here, what are your other 2 wishes? --funny at least

Buy a ticket, take the ride -- What's that even mean? At least my mind is in the gutter

work hard, play harder -- I'm hot for this one, but I'm a bit intimidated

Let's give it a whirl! -- light and carefree is attractive

 

I find happy and cheerful to be much more attractive. I have no idea why women lead off with negativity...self-fulfilling prophecy if you ask me. If you don't have a good headline then a simply "hey!" or "let's talk" is still way better than the stuff at the top.

[sweetkiwi]

Yeah OLD guys say the same stuff. It's not a gender thing.

[Object_a]

My take on a couple of these is very different (as usual )

 

Buy a ticket, take the ride - trying too hard to be ZANY and SO RANDOM. Would probably drive me up the wall if we ever met IRL.

 

work hard, play harder - I hate my dayjob so I binge drink at the weekends. I really hope you like mood swings and hang-over fights.

 

No games - I can't stand all this 'don't text her back for three days' and 'pretend you've never ever been with anyone else' stuff either so I find this refreshingly honest.

[Estate]

It's interesting to see the mindsets and experiences that are revealed just from some headlines.

Not so good

Looking for a confident manly man -- not horrible but there's better

My kids come first -- ok...

Insert clever headline -- yes please do

They ask for "real" but run when they get it -- I don't want your baggage

Any good ones left? -- more baggage

No games -- baggage

Looking for an honest guy -- that's it? baggage

Let's try this again -- better luck next time!

 

Better

Goofy passionate and a lot of fun! -- feels fun and approachable

What can you teach me? -- invites the man to be natural and masculine

I'm here, what are your other 2 wishes? --funny at least

Buy a ticket, take the ride -- What's that even mean? At least my mind is in the gutter

work hard, play harder -- I'm hot for this one, but I'm a bit intimidated

Let's give it a whirl! -- light and carefree is attractive

 

I find happy and cheerful to be much more attractive. I have no idea why women lead off with negativity...self-fulfilling prophecy if you ask me. If you don't have a good headline then a simply "hey!" or "let's talk" is still way better than the stuff at the top.

 

It's a freaking headline... people have no idea what to type there and you can't setup your profile without one... I bet people average about .3sec actually thinking about this...

 

...THAT is what turns you off women.... Holy ******. I'm losing faith in men everywhere the more of these threads I read.

 

Or, I'm just guessing.... are you just putting these girls down because they won't reply to you???

[outsidethebox]

Estate, let's guess what pogo would put in his headline.

 

Just another grouchy guy profile.

[PogoStick]

It's a freaking headline... people have no idea what to type there and you can't setup your profile without one... I bet people average about .3sec actually thinking about this...

 

...THAT is what turns you off women.... Holy ******. I'm losing faith in men everywhere the more of these threads I read.

 

Or, I'm just guessing.... are you just putting these girls down because they won't reply to you???

 

Ahhh it's not directed at you! Why take it so personally? As men we're all well aware at the things women nitpick out of our profiles. Did I misplace a comma!? That's hyperbole btw.

Can you see how "Goofy passionate and a lot of fun!" is better than "My kids come 1st" or "D-bags need not apply"?

 

Re "work hard, play harder"--I'm biased because that girl's profile is attractive. Her headline works because her profile is about rock climbing, skiing, and active stuff that I enjoy.

 

And of course, if the girl has a hot picture then what she writes doesn't matter (not true).

[Zulnex]

I just don't know about online dating...

Having some mixed feelings. I have heard both good and bad stories.

I have also read that there are a lot more men than women.

I may try when I am ready for a serious relationship but I am not feeling too optimistic about it.

[greenetree]

I read thread after thread with men ranting or sobbing about how miserable OLD is for them. I've tried OLD a couple times in the past but always delete my account within a few days. First, it's difficult for me to make time to meet new people but the quality of men who message me is dreadful. I don't think I've ever made one quality connection with any of the hundreds of guys who have messaged me. I pretty much only meet with guys that I initiate contact with first. I'm starting to think RedRobin is correct about not putting up a pic. I get messaged bombed the moment I post my pic and before I've written a thing in my profile. Sadly the quality of messages does not vary / improve regardless of what I subsequently write. I used to be completely open to meeting a guy who messaged me first but not so much anymore. The time / effort vs. lack of results makes it a non-starter now. I setup a new account less than 24 hours ago and have 77 messages and counting. Almost all of them are not worthy of a response. I'm going to share some of them with you as well as my insight in hopes that you boys will learn how to get a reply from a quality woman looking for a quality man. Here are some of the broad categories, and I'm going to be brutally honest in a constructive way here:

 

THE SPAMMER

These are the vast majority that I get. They obviously only looked at my pic, read nothing in my profile, and just cut a pasted a generic message. Sad part is most of them suck! These will never EVER get a response from me.

 

"Hi" or "." or "What's your name?" or "Hey, I'm Joe Blow." All instant deletes.

 

"Hi how is it goin ? Nice picture ,i couldnt go without sending you this message seeking for your friendship . So how is your week end goin so far ?" Bad grammar and boring too...

 

"WHAT is the air velocity of an unladen swallow?" This might be cute but I didn't list Monty Python as a movie I like spam boy...

 

"Hi beautiful, how are you? I have a random question for you: Imagine you have just enough money to blow on your dream car at half the price. You are able to get it, except that the catch is that it prominently says on the back of your rear window: "Student Driver". You have to drive the car everywhere you go, you can't sell it, and under no circumstances can "Student Driver" be removed or covered up. Deal or no deal? Why or why not?" So at least this guy put some time and thought into his spam message. But talk about total dork! There's nothing cool or witty at all about this question! I don't care about about cars nor give a **** what people think of me. He obviously does and worries about both way too much. Next.

 

"Hi there how are you? I just saw your profile and wanted to say hello. I would love to get to know you." This guy was hot but generic spam message means he's a douche bag player. Next.

 

"Hi,

I came a cross to check your profile out just now and I like it because it's intrigued. In brief I'm new to this whole online dating thing and looking for friends to make a real connection with! Well... I'm not in a rush for a relationship right away because it takes little time to get to know each other much better but feel free to message me if you are interested in becoming friends first and see where it goes from there because you seem to me a genuine person! So I would like to start a new friendship at this point and that's my objects clause! May I get to know you?" How many times did you say friend? Can you also say insecure and/or fear of commitment.

 

"Heyyyyy i just got a haircut so im working with a little self esteem boost...thought I'd send you a message :D" Self deprecating humor sometimes works but not when it's lame spam...

 

THE LOVER BOY

FYI Boys, if a girl is beautiful, she knows it. DO NOT message me about how gorgeous I am. It's totally off-putting if you mention it even once. Save it for the right moment, like F2F as we are getting intimate... it will make me weak in the knees but NEVER as an opener. We have no connection and you're instantly objectifying me...

 

"Heyyy! First off, and no bs.... You're one of the most beautiful looking woman I have ever seen. And i mean that from the bottom of my heart...secondly, I would love to get to know YOU better, if you are up for it! You got some fun stuff planned this week/weekend I hope?? ☺ But anyways, if you arent sick of me talking already, message me and we can get to know eachother -Matty"

 

THE A-HOLE

"hi shorty. I would like to know alittle bit about yourself if that's cool with you" Really? You read my profile and the best you could come up with is an insult? FU!

 

"Only 140+ IQ! What a condescending b*tch you are! Blah blah blah." I get a few of these now and again, though not all that often. But seriously?

 

THE CONTROL FREAK

If I tell you I don't watch TV, only date 140+ IQ, and don't want kids, don't debate me about it in your first message. I mentioned it in my profile to get rid of guys like you NOT have you try to convince me I'm wrong!

 

"If you're searching for 140+ IQ, I think a free dating website might not be the best place to look. Good luck though ;-)" This one felt tongue and cheek so I replied but he proceeded to tell me I was being too judgmental so I blocked him.

 

"Gee, if you don't watch TV, you'll miss "Blasie Pascal" (directed by Roberto Rossellini) on a double bill with "Socrates" (ditto) (3/29, TCM). I wonder what message bombing feels like? Pax tecum, I." Like this...

 

"It saddens me deeply that someone who is obviously very intelligent, and seeking someone who is likewise, would not want to spread her seed. We need more people like us not less." Except there will definitely be no WE...

 

THE NICE GUY

I got about 10 of these. They were incrementally better in that they read my profile, thought about something to write, but it just didn't stand out. And when I clicked on their profile, it was just like their message. None of them are bad, but these are in the top 10 out of 77? Really???

 

"Hey how are you?

My name is Jason, I am brand new to this site. Just think you're beautiful and wanted to say hello. : )

I'm curious, what led you to meditation?"

 

"Aha, I see that you're a fan of Charlie Chaplin. What's your favorite film? I'd have to go with Modern Times, although City Lights and The Gold Rush are both right up there."

 

"awesome music taste! do you like the new The Knife?" Again, it's unbelievable to me that this is top 10 out of 77."

 

"Life is a mohawk? Never heard that before. Im really interested in getting to know you. You seem down to earth and U are Absolutely gorgeous!! hit me up if you want to chat, u are definitely what i am looking for :)" Don't tell me I said something interesting and have nothing back for me. You're the guy! Impress me! Not the other way around. I have 77 messages and counting!

 

"You're pretty clever and basically had me with that self summary but your favorites section is also about as ace as it gets. Plus, you're nerdy and you skateboard? That's a perfect storm for sure." Nothing fancy. Nice message but sadly too young for me

 

THE HORRIBLE PIC

One guy wrote me a nice thoughtful message and I would have replied but his profile pic was a photo with no face and just his torso, wearing a wife beater, and a flexing bicep. Didn't even click on his profile. NEXT. A few other instant deletes: pics with other women, blurry / out-of focus, sunglasses, no shirt, costume...

 

WORTHY OF A REPLY

"I think my dullness is too infinite to be ignored. Then again I'm not sure that "too infinite" actually makes sense. Then again you both open and close your profile with sentences containing the word infiinte so you're pretty infinite in your eternal, um, infinite, uh....I'm not sure where I was going with that. But I am sure I won't convince you to have my kids since I don't ever want to have any."

 

"I've never had an IQ test. I'm dubious of most things that include the word "quotient" and/or any other mathematical terminology. By which I mean: I feel as though our bookshelves would get along nicely. And: our stereos would make nice bedfellows. These things are probably far less important than they seem. But. I'm Al. And curious. Intrigued. Etc. I'm not sure about this site, but I know that I'd be an idiot not to write to you. So consider this me not being an idiot. I noticed first: your eyes. And then: that you left your day job to tutor French. This made me feel: like you have the sort of guts I appreciate. No one needs superfluous humans cluttering their life, but what I'm thinking is that I think this could be something. A thing. I'm in the camp that says we start here. And see."

 

81 messages and counting now and these are the 2 best. It really wasn't all that hard. Read my profile. Don't spam. Don't tell me how beautiful I am or convince me I'm wrong about who I like. Say something the SLIGHTEST BIT interesting and relevant. You don't need to act like a circus pet doing back flips to impress me. Don't have a ridiculous pic. These are very simple steps to get in the top 10 out of 81. If I find any connection when I view you're profile, you'll be one of the 2% that get a reply before I delete my account again...

Edited March 25, 2013 by greenetree

[StanMusial]

Unless you have a handsome face stick to social circle dating. No point in writing a novel over it.

[Treasa]

....For once I'm kind of speechless. What exactly would you like a guy to say to you that would get your attention?

 

For anyone reading this, I'm totally fine with being complimented/objectified.

 

ETA: Oops, sorry, now I see the two that are acceptable. Did things work out with them?

[somedude81]

In other words, don't message pretty girls. Wait for them to message you if you're a hot guy.

 

If you're not a hot guy, delete your profile.

[Lonely Ronin]

In other words, don't message pretty girls. Wait for them to message you if you're a hot guy.

 

If you're not a hot guy, delete your profile.

 

Nope, it means don't message a woman if your socially clueless.

[soccerrprp]

This is only my opinion of course, but the two you picked as acceptable sounds like sappy rubbish to me. These guys know how to lure the ladies with poetic dribble. Just my worthless opinion.

 

My approach after trying yours for a bit worked much better.

 

1. Don't waste writing lengthy emails when, in the end, the profile and pics are what do it for the lady

2. I write something regarding their profile to show that some of us guys actually do read them and simply tell them to look at mine, if interested, contact me, if not good luck.

3. If a lady does go to my profile, then I follow-up with another asking what she thought and if still interested, contact me. If not, good luck!

 

To the point... gotten many more dates with that approach than wasting my time with the initial email. Pretty words need always be accompanied by pretty faces and I'm not that pretty.

 

You either am interested b/c of my profile and that I'm not one of the hot studs (visually) or you're not. That simple.

[fortyninethousand322]

I don't know. My messages are somewhere between "The Nice Guy" and "Worthy of a Reply" types listed here.

[greenetree]

....For once I'm kind of speechless. What exactly would you like a guy to say to you that would get your attention?

 

For anyone reading this, I'm totally fine with being complimented/objectified.

 

ETA: Oops, sorry, now I see the two that are acceptable. Did things work out with them?

 

Talk to me about something in my profile other than complementing my looks, eyes, hair. Preferably something more meaningful than a song or movie reference. I'm thinking of nuking those lists because they are lame talking points. Or mention something interesting about yourself!