Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[somedude81]

Sounds like some good stuff.

 

I'll keep them in mind if I ever start doing OLD.

[ChessPieceFace]

Just before I replied I saw an anklebiter reply already.

 

Why don't you stand up like a man and name who you're calling an "anklebiter" so you can be properly reported for breaking the rules.

[outsidethebox]

because my ankle hurts?

[trevzilla]

Yet another post where you are projecting blame on women and it can't possibly be something wrong with your approach...

 

If you'd bothered to read my posts I said the women who contacted me said my profile was excellent and that my pics were good. At one point I had 60 women on my list who clicked meet me, and 10 or 20 added me to favourites and a bunch message me. I chose to stop because they were mostly 5 to 7 years older than me and grossly out of shape and looked their ages or older whereas everyone always guesses my age at 5 to 10 years younger. When I list all my activities as hiking, biking, P90X, yoga it's obvious that women are about as attentive to a guy's profile as the men are with women. I always read women's profiles and comment in my opening message. The women who I did get on the phone always said I was very polite and normal and that most of the guys are creeps who just push the conversation to sex right away; I rarely message women who are much younger than me and I don't go for lingerie models, but I still get passed over by women who are merely cute with average figures (average being normal weight not the whales who say they are average) So it's obvious that the 2 to 1 ratio basically destroys OLD for men. I would never bother going to a club that was a sausage party, so why waste time online dating when it's so heavily stacked against you.

 

So typical of a woman though to say it must be my approach and not that women on OLD are insanely picky. What do woman know about approaching anyway? In my town at least woman do nothing to initiate and it's up to the men. It's men who are micro analyzed to death and always asked to question what they are doing wrong and to step up their game. It's BS, any time I meet women from abroad it's easy, if they like me I just talk to them and they flirt and make physical contact and things progress naturally. There are lots of foreign girls where I work and they comment on the lousy attitude of local girls and tell me I should try meeting European women or Latin American women. I've had great times with Koreans, a gorgeous woman from Poland and even girls from Montreal who've asked me to join for a Beer at a pub they were going to; the chance of a local girl taking that kind of initiative is slim to none. Maybe North American women should start asking why they are so f'ing difficult and start looking at their personalities and try to become more approachable and open and get their noses out of their smart phones and take their headphones out. It's not just online it's women either being totally frosty or flaking when you get their numbers. For all the talk of feminism and equality, in the dating game North American women are cowards who are too afraid of a little rejection if they flirt or try to get a guy's attention. Basically I've decided that after another year when I've built up enough IT experience I will be trying to get as far away from this culture as possible. As soon as I leave my job I'll be deleting my profile and never look back at OLD (for now my profile makes it clear I'm not interested in being contacted). What a colossal waste of time for men. I just harp on it to try and save guys the frustration and wasted time unless they are content to hook up with women they have little interest in. If I were a chubby chaser I'd be a pimp on OLD.

[irc333]

I get a kick out of these profiles, where women have these bulletted "I won't respond to your email if...."

 

And someone like myself goes "Oh goody, I'm not one of those guys on her list"

 

And I email her, never to get a response anyhow. LOL So what's the point in making the list?

[TaraMaiden]

They're just waiting for you.....

[justwhoiam]

I guess people set up profiles on dating sites to get a shortcut to their target. But probably most women would never tell the complete truth about what they want. So that leaves space to getting unwanted emails.

[Standard-Fare]

A woman chiming in here with a different perspective:

 

I think OP's advice is probably smart and on-target, but at the same time, I find all these strategies and calculations a bit of a turnoff. Also, OP, I gotta admit I find some of the conversation/humor attempts pretty forced and unnatural.

 

You know what's appealing to me? Someone who doesn't treat online dating too seriously. Someone who treats it with the large grain of salt it deserves.

 

So for me, evidence that a guy is spending a ton of time/effort/strategy into online dating is not really going to pull me in. It's not attractive to imagine a guy behind a glowing computer screen crafting careful draft messages to 10-15 women at a time. When a guy is too smooth and calculated online, I get a bit wary.

[pyramid]

Either because they don't find you attractive, you aren't tall enough, or there is something in your profile that's a turn-off.

 

I have about 5 dealbreakers listed in mine, but if I were to post an exhaustive list then I would look like a complete jerk.

 

The times that I do respond to tell someone I don't think we are a match, I usually get a pissy response. So I generally just don't respond anymore.

[Green Light]

I guess people set up profiles on dating sites to get a shortcut to their target. But probably most women would never tell the complete truth about what they want. So that leaves space to getting unwanted emails.

 

Why wouldn't they tell the complete truth about what they want?

[Green Light]

Either because they don't find you attractive, you aren't tall enough, or there is something in your profile that's a turn-off.

 

I have about 5 dealbreakers listed in mine, but if I were to post an exhaustive list then I would look like a complete jerk.

 

The times that I do respond to tell someone I don't think we are a match, I usually get a pissy response. So I generally just don't respond anymore.

 

It all sounds like a lot of fun!

[outsidethebox]

as you pick through dozens of messages at your leisure, not responding to most of them.

[El Brujo]

The second I see "I won't respond if...", I hit the "back" button. Saves time, no guilt.

[Standard-Fare]

as you pick through dozens of messages at your leisure, not responding to most of them.

 

Nope. And look, I've sent messages only to get rejected, too.

 

The bottom line is, if someone likes your pictures and the vibe in your profile, they will get back to you, even if all you say is "Hello." Overthinking it probably isn't going to do a lick of good.

 

Still, I do think OP raised some good points to consider. Chiefly: a) give evidence that you've read through the profile, point to/ask about something specific in it (I truly can't believe how many fools think sending a "form letter" is going to work for them), and b) don't message back and forth forever... bring up the idea of date within three messages or so or you lose your chance.

[MrCastle]

Why wouldn't they tell the complete truth about what they want?

 

As the poster above you mentioned; you provide a laundry list of what you don't like as opposed to just posting what you're looking for, you look like a jerk.

 

It is very easy to get past this--instead of writing "don't message me if," include in your profile "I am looking for..."

 

And write what you're looking for. People who don't fit the criteria will get the hint without feeling offended.

 

Example; I am anti drugs.

 

"I am looking for someone who's drug free like I am" -- right

 

"Don't message me if you do drugs" -- wrong

[Lonely Ronin]

OP, have you ever considered the amount of OLD you consume might be detrimental to your health?

[Imajerk17]

I did some counting. I realized that in 2 years on Match, I got unsolicited contacts from

 

--a whole bunch of fakes.

 

--27 women whose profiles are "real" but whom I'd have no interest in (and it is clear I'd have no interest in from my profile--way out of my age range, have kids, separated (!), and typically at least two out of the preceding three).

 

--9 women "in my league" (TOTAL in two years) who winked at me or emailed me first. By "in my league" I mean they something like what I ask for in my profile. I don't necessarily mean a fitness model or a CrossFit Games badass honey, I just mean a reasonably cute SWF in my stated age range (which spans 12 years) with no kids and who seems "normal".

 

 

 

And (since revising my profile) 25% of my first emails get returned.

Edited April 4, 2013 by Imajerk17

[normal person]

What site are you using? I'm pretty picky about the whole process.

On Match:

- about 3-5 "winks" a week

- about 2-5 "interested in"s a week

- about 0-2 messages a week (from new people)

 

of those:

 

- 90% I'm not interested in and I say "Thanks, but I'm interested in someone else right not so I don't want to waste your time."

- ~8% I entertain the idea and send them a legitimate response

- ~2% I'm actually interested in and want to meet

 

So of that 2%, I've met 2 in real life... the first was cool but a little too young, I'm still friendly with her. The second girl I met was really great and I like her a lot. I'm hoping that turns into something.

 

I don't message/wink anyone.

[carhill]

I used to get tons from hot young ladies who lived out of state, along with a bevy of unsolicited contact right before my subscription expired, both well-known as 'fake'. Other than than, maybe a half dozen over the combined three or four years of actively using OLD from the late 90's as well as post-divorce more recently. Went out on dates with a couple but nothing came of it.

[hppr]

The bottom line is, if someone likes your pictures and the vibe in your profile, they will get back to you, even if all you say is "Hello." Overthinking it probably isn't going to do a lick of good.

 

 

That is exactly what I found. It's all about the pic and having a fun, easy to read profile. I would put links to flash games in my profile among other things and I would never, EVER put ANY sorts of 'standards' and 'likes/dislikes' because those are all relative to your perception (and besides it's not like deleting unwanted messages is hard).

[CryForNoOne]

OP, have you ever considered the amount of OLD you consume might be detrimental to your health?

 

2 hours a week online, other then viewing and replying to messages on the mobile app when I'm out and about. I'm averaging 2-3 dates/week which is the most time consuming part. But I'm enjoying it so how could it be detrimental to my health?

[justwhoiam]

Why wouldn't they tell the complete truth about what they want?

Because women hate to be judged and they would be doing just that based on very few bits of information. Some of those requests would be racist, creepy, scare men away... I know that someone writing "don't message me if" already scares people away, but at least she can come across as determined. And it makes the man seem as if she's a bit picky, so if he passes any tests, he's going to be lucky or happy or whatever. But the truth is just here below.

 

if I were to post an exhaustive list then I would look like a complete jerk.

Jerks do exist.

[Philosopher]

One thing I finding that is happening to me a lot on OLD, particularly recently is that a lot of women are taking ages to reply to my messages, often more than a week. Usually they say they took long to reply because they have been really busy with work or other stuff. To me this suggests that they are not that interested. After all it does not take that long to reply to a message.

 

Is it worth replying to these women or should I just move on to those who seem more interested?

[Locust]

I'm hearing so many bad things about online dating, from men meet women who post fakes pictures of pictures of themselves when they were 10 years younger and looked great. Then I hear women saying men are posting fake pictures, from both sides it does not sound goo. I recently signed up for POF and I'm wondering if I should still continue or close it and just meet women in person. One way or the other I will have to meet her in person, cannot have a cyber relationship.

 

Then I hear awful stories where I seen a woman on TV said she met this guy and found out he was an ex sex offender. Then another one met a guy online showing his 6 pack abs and saw him person she said he was like 400 lbs. So I'm thinking if its really worth it.

 

Then I hear the men to women ratio is large and lot of filled are hit hard by lot of messages, so she starts to filter out lot of guys she finds unattractive, then she will filter base on income and financial stability. Physical attraction I can see but filtering out by financial stability I think is wrong. But then the men look for super models, so it goes both ways.

 

What is you experience with online dating? Do you think its really worth writing up a good profile or would you rather meet people in person?

[Woggle]

Pretty much yes. I never had anything worthwhile come from it.