Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[PogoStick]

She should at least try me on to see if I fit!

[Star Gazer]

For women, only dating is the same thing as shopping online.

 

There are lots of products out there, each with a picture and a little description and she can quickly decide if she wants to try or not.

 

Do you think this is any different for men? It's a catalog either way.

[salparadise]

Do you think this is any different for men? It's a catalog either way.

 

 

Yea, but most men would be willing to try you on.

[eastcoastgirl88]

So you can do everything right and still get blown out? What's the point then?

 

You won't get blown out once someone comes across your profile who sees you as her "type."

 

Everyone has a type.

 

Most guys I like my friends think are absolutely hideous. Good bodies, but crazy-ass faces!!

[irc333]

I am staying in tonight and have been sifting through some people on the one OLD site I use and I just wanted to say this in regards to attraction:

 

I pass on so many nice-looking, attractive men just because they aren't really my type. Logically I can see they are good-looking and are probably cool people; they're just not right FOR ME.

 

So, I know this is said a lot here on LS but it's worth repeating. Next time you're rejected just remember this. It very well may be that there's NOTHING wrong with you. You just might not be that person's type!

 

 

Meh, I don't really buy into that, because I had contacted a handful of women that were INDEED my type.

 

I indeed recall a woman on POF that I thought would be perfect compatibility-wise.

 

It was almost uncanny our personalities, beliefs (she's Christian), and she even talked about how she was really into Star Trek, Star Wars, and Big Bang Theory (just to name a few) and admittedly a bonafide "Geek". She's a local science teacher.

 

I've been mostly keeping an eye out for those types of women lately instead of willy nilly contacting every pretty face that comes across my monitor.

 

I have to admit, she was a bit on the chunky side, not typically the kind I date physically but she had this warm, cute smile I really went for. There was just something about her, mixed in with her belief system, morals, and interests most unattached women aren't into that made me contact her.

 

All the conditions that we had both sought after were great.

 

I started off the email with the typical introduction, then asked her if she saw the new Star Trek movie, she DID respond with that she did plan on seeing it the following week with some friends and "thanked me" for the email.

 

I replied of course to further engage her in conversation, but her ending the email to me the way she did was an indicator of "non-interest"

 

I went to talk further, and she said, "I would like to thank you for the email, but you seem like great, sweet, and funny guy....but I'm just not interested".

 

It kind of threw me for a loop, because I assumed she was when she first answered, but I did find it odd for a woman who was completely compatible with me not to even give it a try.

 

Now you might say, "She was probably not physically attracted to you" that MAY be true...however, she was really not that good looking, she had quite a few extra pounds on her and I know pretty much to pursue women that are my "equal" in looks.

 

I know how some people who aren't much to look at themselves and they tend to pursue women that you'd know they'd never date them. Had a male friend like this, he was fat, looked like a slob when he dressed, and was 50 years old chasing college aged women...wouldn't date a woman past the age of 40.

 

But yet, this woman, which would''ve made a great girlfriend, turned me down. I see she had joined Meetup lately, and saw a "Full body shot" of her...and well....she's a big girl...so that's what I find so baffling, I mean if you know you have some physical flaws, you should come to the realization of that and perhaps consider people in own category of "looks".

 

But yeah, I think OLD has made people even more shallow with all that said.

[irc333]

If you keep getting rejected, it probably has something to do with you. No one rolls snake eyes on every single roll of the dice forever...

 

 

If it's online rejection, this is not likely the case because it's a completely different environment with missing pieces of what's conducive to real life, face to face encounters.

[rocketman122]

when I was OLD, I first looked at the picture. yes, im shallow like everyone else (men and women) I want to be with someone attractive, but even if they werent WOW pretty, I took the time to read their profile. it was important to know about the person as well.

 

if there were things like smoking or very religious or very independent or workaholic or party girl type, or very unstable, or moocher/gold digger then I would pass no matter what cause we dont have the same mindset and even there might be attraction there between us, there has to be more than that for it to last.

 

there were many women who didnt write much about themselves, but their pictures said it all. you can tell who they are just by the pictures.

[eastcoastgirl88]

Meh, I don't really buy into that, because I had contacted a handful of women that were INDEED my type.

 

I indeed recall a woman on POF that I thought would be perfect compatibility-wise.

 

It was almost uncanny our personalities, beliefs (she's Christian), and she even talked about how she was really into Star Trek, Star Wars, and Big Bang Theory (just to name a few) and admittedly a bonafide "Geek". She's a local science teacher.

 

I've been mostly keeping an eye out for those types of women lately instead of willy nilly contacting every pretty face that comes across my monitor.

 

I have to admit, she was a bit on the chunky side, not typically the kind I date physically but she had this warm, cute smile I really went for. There was just something about her, mixed in with her belief system, morals, and interests most unattached women aren't into that made me contact her.

 

All the conditions that we had both sought after were great.

 

I started off the email with the typical introduction, then asked her if she saw the new Star Trek movie, she DID respond with that she did plan on seeing it the following week with some friends and "thanked me" for the email.

 

I replied of course to further engage her in conversation, but her ending the email to me the way she did was an indicator of "non-interest"

 

I went to talk further, and she said, "I would like to thank you for the email, but you seem like great, sweet, and funny guy....but I'm just not interested".

 

It kind of threw me for a loop, because I assumed she was when she first answered, but I did find it odd for a woman who was completely compatible with me not to even give it a try.

 

Now you might say, "She was probably not physically attracted to you" that MAY be true...however, she was really not that good looking, she had quite a few extra pounds on her and I know pretty much to pursue women that are my "equal" in looks.

 

I know how some people who aren't much to look at themselves and they tend to pursue women that you'd know they'd never date them. Had a male friend like this, he was fat, looked like a slob when he dressed, and was 50 years old chasing college aged women...wouldn't date a woman past the age of 40.

 

But yet, this woman, which would''ve made a great girlfriend, turned me down. I see she had joined Meetup lately, and saw a "Full body shot" of her...and well....she's a big girl...so that's what I find so baffling, I mean if you know you have some physical flaws, you should come to the realization of that and perhaps consider people in own category of "looks".

 

But yeah, I think OLD has made people even more shallow with all that said.

 

I think you're missing my point.

 

Just because someone has a few extra pounds on her doesn't mean that she should or will be attracted to EVERY SINGLE guy who contacts her, regardless of shared interest.

 

You may think she's waiting around for some major hottie to contact her, when in reality she may have received an email from an overweight, balding guy who you may consider "worse looking" than you but who she is attracted to for whatever weird reason. May she's into balding guys who wear black v-neck t-shirts and start their emails with "What's up, pretty lady!?" You'll never know.

 

A word on common interests--I think they're good, but I don't think they indicate a potential match in every case. Aside from the cliche, typical interests most people enjoy (traveling, "going out but also staying in!" and something blase like "watching movies,") most guys I've dated have completely different interests than me. For example, I would never be interested in doing a triathlon or any extreme fitness competition like that, but lots of the guys I've dated have been into that kind of thing. On the flip side, I'm not sure I'd want to date a man who was super into things I find fun and interesting, like shopping at H&M, reading chick lit/trashy magazines and eating brunch with MY girlfriends.

 

I'd be more likely to connect with someone who shared my values/morals/outlook on life, laughed at the same things, had the same goals (ie wants kids and thinks it would be cool to live in a foreign country someday), had the same sort of spending habits/financial beliefs etc.

 

But before all of that, there still has to be an initial physical attraction. And just because you're attracted to HER doesn't mean she will be attracted to you.

[Art_Critic]

but I did find it odd for a woman who was completely compatible with me not to even give it a try.

 

What you missed is that she didn't think you both were completely compatible, only you did.. there are 2 people in each engagement and each has their view on compatibility.

 

 

I see she had joined Meetup lately, and saw a "Full body shot" of her...and well....she's a big girl...so that's what I find so baffling, I mean if you know you have some physical flaws, you should come to the realization of that and perhaps consider people in own category of "looks".

The mistake you make is your view of her is what you think should make her settle for something other than what she is looking for.

You think she has no options.. she does.. she has self esteem too.

 

Her view of herself and others most likely doesn't fit your view.

Why would you want a woman that would settle for you ? Don't you want a woman to feel that she can't live without you and you are her match ?

 

The idea that a woman has a few pounds on her should make her undateable therefore she should date people that she isn't attracted to is laughable, you do realize how bad that sounds ?... even you accused her of being shallow...

[fortyninethousand322]

Do you think this is any different for men? It's a catalog either way.

 

Never been that way for me.

 

Of course, I'm not most men....

[FitChick]

If I dated someone with whom I had everything in common, I'd be bored.

[jcm101]

And another one who stops responding after I ask them for their number..

 

Unreal. Did you expect us to just exchange messages back and forth for weeks? WE were already messaging for 2 days.

 

I feel it's just with girls my age. (21)

[irc333]

If I dated someone with whom I had everything in common, I'd be bored.

 

So, you'd prefer someone with a different belief system than yours?

[irc333]

 

The mistake you make is your view of her is what you think should make her settle for something other than what she is looking for.

 

Thing is, it seems that the line between settling and compromising is fading, for instance...there's an article/interview that was on the Today show that's been going around on "Why is it okay to settle for Mr. Good Enough", I've been sharing this link with many singles, and they had seen the logic in it.

 

It appears that the parameters for "settling" have been changing. Like could a person honestly believe they wouldn't be happy in a marriage if they typically didn't date men with big noses or wore thick glasses and the decided to "settle" would it be a life of marital misery for them? Not likely. They're just holding out for something that probably will not even come.

 

To me, common interests/hobbies are bonus, but common belief system is a must....that's why I found it odd she proclaimed herself to be a Christian and a Sci-Fi geek....not many women over 30 are. lol Most I know are single and attend conventions with their husbands. :-)

 

I mean she doesn't HAVE to have the same hobbies, but it does make for a good icebreaker and a reason to approach.

 

The idea that a woman has a few pounds on her should make her undateable

 

Never said she was undatable, so don't put words in my mouth. I think people should realize their own physical appearances and not rule out people that are equal to them in physical appearances. I know a lot of friends and family members that would always have this ONE left over single person in their family because they were 300 lbs, a male, age 45, dressed like a slob and wouldn't pursue women over 30.

 

I have a male friend, he's overweight, has a constantly sore ankle due to his weight problem, but yet will only date petite and fit women.

 

If you don't have that much to bring to the table yourself, you may want to re-think your criteria.

Edited June 24, 2013 by irc333

[fortyninethousand322]

And another one who stops responding after I ask them for their number..

 

Unreal. Did you expect us to just exchange messages back and forth for weeks? WE were already messaging for 2 days.

 

I feel it's just with girls my age. (21)

 

I'm 25. I have that happen to me all the time. These are all women between the ages of 21 and 34 so it's definitely not only women in their early 20s...

[kaylan]

<Merged into consolidated thread>

 

 

Ive seen quite a few women post height requirements in their online dating profiles. And Ive seen these preferences defended online and in real life.

 

However I havent heard much of guys actually posting weight requirements in their profiles. Im sure theyd get eaten alive and dismissed as shallow (even by in shape women) if they did do it.

 

But seeing as Ive never browsed guy profiles, I have to ask women if they have come across this? Ive always stated in my profile that I like to stay fit and like an active girl as well. I dont mention weight or dimensions.

Edited June 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ripnet]

Weight is not an accurate to tell if someone is fit. If they have more lean body mass they be considered over weight by BMI. It's best to look at the pics with full body shots if they don't have any it's fair to assume they are probably hiding some fat.

[kaylan]

Weight is not an accurate to tell if someone is fit. If they have more lean body mass they be considered over weight by BMI. It's best to look at the pics with full body shots if they don't have any it's fair to assume they are probably hiding some fat.

Im not only asking if guys literally say "you must weigh 120 lbs or less". Im asking if women encounter anything in a guys profile about body proportion.

[D-Lish]

Of course men state the same preferences on their profiles.

 

"Fit, slender, active, thin" or some request curvy/BBW. Many men will state their ethnic preferences, hair colour, level of education, etc.

 

Nothing wrong with stating preferences on a dating profile. I don't know why anyone would get offended by what someone else finds attractive given that attraction isn't universal.

[brandnew2]

It is a pretty funny double-standard.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have seen men tick "athletic" and "thin" boxes only and not even the "average" box. Majority of men will tick athletic, thin and average. So the ones that leave average out are making a pretty strong statement.

[Emilia]

I think a lot of men are slightly more flexible with weight, especially if they are not looking for a relationship.

 

I used to see more subtle references to lifestyle that would indicate the expectation of a slimmer body - or sometimes a curvier one. I remember one guy saying somewhere 'skinny girls eat your dinner!' thinking that he probably wouldn't have posted the opposite about larger girls.

 

I think most men try to be smart not to come across too judgemental on their profile even if they feel that way. They don't want to alienate women as most are more timid by nature and won't like men who come across 'arrogant'.

 

I'm guessing they will also look past the weight if they think they will get laid.

[Eternal Sunshine]

If a guy wrote something like "no fatties" in his profile and you are a slim woman. Would you still think that he is a douche? I am just curious.

[Emilia]

However I havent heard much of guys actually posting weight requirements in their profiles. Im sure theyd get eaten alive and dismissed as shallow (even by in shape women) if they did do it.

I do care whether a man comes across kind. I've never posted anything in my profiles about height, weight or race but certainly made all selections based on whether I thought I would find the person in real life attractive. I've seen very judgemental and rude profiles in my time and I suppose I drew the conclusion that the man must have been stupid as smart guys know how to put an appealing profile together. I suppose I question intellect and social skills first if he can't even type something decent up at his own pace.

[Emilia]

If a guy wrote something like "no fatties" in his profile and you are a slim woman. Would you still think that he is a douche? I am just curious.

Yes, I would think that he was the kind of man who played on women's insecurities. Since there are many ways of getting around the weight issue.