Consolidated discussion - Online dating

[SJC2008]

Lol online dating.

 

More like ROFL

[pcplod]

I'm not a fan of it, however I've done it and know people that are and speaking only for those I know personally I can't say I've seen significant difference between the relationships of those that have met online and those who haven't. I think the number of successful and unsuccessful relationships are about equal.

 

Frankly however, the concept of OLD still scares me even more now that I've tried it myself. It is vastly uncertain, especially since most OLD relationships end up being LDRs for some time at least. It's difficult, more so than regular dating since people can say or be anything they want behind a computer screen. I don't care how much or how well you think you know someone, there's just no way to know what's really in their hearts or minds.

 

Honestly, the idea of truly forming a connection with someone whom you've never met, planning a future together, sharing intimate details with...there is something...I don't know, salacious about it? Perhaps that's too harsh, maybe unsavory? It gives me chills. There are just a lot of unstable or downright deranged people out there and the internet is a psycho's playground. Now this is only my opinion as I know many people (on this site alone) can tell you their stories of OLD and how happy things turned out.

 

I think that I can empathize with your point of view. I have only one problem though. Was the dating experience really that much less weird or crazy or less ridden with psychos, before the Internet? I sort of assume that OLD is about the input, ie those people out there in the real world that may be looking for a relationship, or for that matter, just sex. Maybe, just maybe, the profile of the populace of OLD sites is radically different from RL, I don't know, but I also wonder whether in RL you are just practically constrained more by geography and more limited availability and opportunity. Has that meant, in the past that people have been more inclined to 'make do'? Again, I really don't know beyond speculating. Is the apposite to women being forever picky, looking for 'Mr Perfect' being people compromising when a) they don't want to and b) doing so when it might not be wise?

 

As a completely separate aside, I just assume that OLD is nothing more than an initial contact medium, much as you might bump into someone in the street, the café, the library, with all the usual attendant requirements and risks.

 

If you do want to go down the OLD route, all you can hope for is that you can suss it out in a way that makes sense for you and that works for you and that you find someone, maybe against the odds, who is the exception that proves the rule. Maybe the really depressing thought is the notion that OLD does represent the real world, one that you don't usually see, one you would prefer to believe doesn't exist.

Edited June 28, 2013 by pcplod

[rocketman122]

I guess im the minority but I had more success OLD than in real life. met tons of women. my pocket hurt.

but I think OLD is not so good for shorter guys (or uglier guys and girls) because they cut them and click the next profile instantly just by looking at the height. face to face they get to meet the person who can show his personality. height was the number 1 thing I saw women asked for in their profiles.

 

my friend is 170cm and he used to be a pro bodybuilder. and a very good looking guy. but he isnt get any action.

[irc333]

I think OLD makes women look bad. I mean how many times have men on this forum said that a woman he could pull IRL wouldn't give him the time of day online??

 

Yeah, for the heck of it, I had emailed a few overweight women I wouldn't normally date, and still would get ignored. LOL

 

I figured, "Well, might as pursue the hot ones online than the overweight ones, because if I'm going to get rejected, it might as well be from the hot ones. " lol

[FitChick]

Then I came across this new research study that says online dating actually produces WORSE relationships than ones that start in real life.

 

Not according to this survey.

[eastcoastgirl88]

Just read this article and was very interested to see if anyone would ever use such a thing...

 

Online Dating Profile Help - Ghostwriters Who'll Set Up Your Dating Profile - Marie Claire

 

Basically, people with little/no success at online dating and/or no time hire successful flirty writers to manage their online dating for them.

 

People of LS, would you ever use such a person if it were completely confidential? Why or why not?

[fortyninethousand322]

Depends on how much they'd charge. But yeah, I would definitely do it.

 

I've talked about hiring a Cyrano before...

[eastcoastgirl88]

@honey.badger...I never thought about it until I read this article but now I want to do it!

 

I was honestly going to offer my services to people on this site...I am the best online dater I know. Literally 99% chat-to-date conversion rate...and I LOVE doing it.

[MrCastle]

You could pay an award winning author to pen you a masterpiece of a profile. But I think that money would be better spent on a photographer.

[eastcoastgirl88]

You could pay an award winning author to pen you a masterpiece of a profile. But I think that money would be better spent on a photographer.

 

Agreed, the pictures are KEY. If I were to do this for people, I would make them submit at least 10 pictures they think are their best and then Photoshop them to improve lighting, any blemishes, etc. I do this to all my pictures when I online date and the results are astounding. I don't think it's dishonest because unless you do have a professional photographer, most pictures are going to make you look WORSE than you do in real life.

 

As for the "award-winning profile"--yes, it's important to paint the best picture of yourself, but the real magic happens in the emails and chats. I could work wonders for people...my fun chatting skills are always the FIRST things I get compliments on...and I usually get asked out within ten minutes of chatting or two-four emails.

 

Guys don't understand the concept of "less is more." The less you say in the profile (stick to the basics, be cool!) the more you'll seem like a catch. No desperation.

[MrCastle]

Agreed, the pictures are KEY. If I were to do this for people, I would make them submit at least 10 pictures they think are their best and then Photoshop them to improve lighting, any blemishes, etc. I do this to all my pictures when I online date and the results are astounding. I don't think it's dishonest because unless you do have a professional photographer, most pictures are going to make you look WORSE than you do in real life.

 

As for the "award-winning profile"--yes, it's important to paint the best picture of yourself, but the real magic happens in the emails and chats. I could work wonders for people...my fun chatting skills are always the FIRST things I get compliments on...and I usually get asked out within ten minutes of chatting or two-four emails.

 

Guys don't understand the concept of "less is more." The less you say in the profile (stick to the basics, be cool!) the more you'll seem like a catch. No desperation.

 

I don't see a problem with photoshopping at all.

 

For example--you take a great picture, but you notice you have a huge zit on your chin. You can just brush it out because in reality, you will not have a massive zit on your chin 24/7. You're not lying.

 

However, if you have a giant birthmark on your forehead and you brush it out -- *that's* being dishonest because the birthmark is a part of you that you've always had and always will have.

 

And there are a ton of other situations like that in which photo editing should be used. Maybe the picture is too dark so you need to raise the brightness etc etc. Put your best self forward, give yourself a fighting chance.

 

As far as the profile, I agree. A solid profile is great, but if someone else wrote it for you, it will show in your interactions. If you blow me away with your wit and charm in your profile but when we talk, you're a typical boring person; I'm going to wonder why that is.

[sillyanswer]

People of LS, would you ever use such a person if it were completely confidential? Why or why not?

 

If free I might do it just to see the results (and then decide whether to use it or some of it). If it's a paid service then that's just eating into my date budget!

 

(but I am getting enough dates to keep me busy... so perhaps I'm not their target customer.)

[Minnie09]

I've never online dated in my whole life and I think I'm ready for a few acquaintances after a messy D and a few years without a companion. I just need some attention again, haha, and since I'm only working with women, there's no chance to meet someone in the workplace. I would actually prefer to meet someone in a normal setting, not on the Internet, but well.....people are busy and so am I do I guess.....I'll try.

 

What's the proper etiquette? Do women approach men? Or do I wait? I won't post any pics (too paranoid about ppl knowing me), but will e-mail to individual men, if requested. Is that in order? And how do you meet them? Where? What if you've got nothing to say to them??? Please advise.*

[Minnie09]

Oh and i am doing match.com. Any experience? I don't trust the free ones. Is there anything else than okc and pof?

[BradJacobs]

Post pics. Get over your paranoia.

 

The times that I made the mistake of messaging a person without them, I always regretted it after they sent them.

[Minnie09]

Haha. I'm not worried about them being disappointed, but you're right, I'll probably get fewer responses because they'll think "she's ugly".....

[HokeyReligions]

I have a couple of friends doing this. My brother met his wife via the personals in the paper before OLD.

 

From my second hand knowledge the most important thing is to be honest about yourself and your priorities. Not too much info at first but honest about yourself.

 

A couple of photos are important. I took a bunch of pics for one friend. She had one posed pic on the site she was on and had an anonymous email where she will exchange emails and photos that don't give away her address. Shes cautious. The pics are everyday life not as formal as the one on the site.

 

If she clicks with someone she always meets them in a public place and doesn't invite them home right away or goes home with them. I think I would be the same way.

 

I think honesty is the most important thing. It may take a while to meet someone with whom you want a deeper relationship, but that's what dating has always been about so might as well enjoy the journey. If you are looking for a long-term relationship or marriage be honest about that too.

 

Let someone know when you go on a date and where. One of the guys I work with who has been OLD for several years said its like a safety net like when we were kids. Our parents knew who we were dating and where we were supposed to be and it gave us a sense of security we weren't even aware of at the time. He will even ask his dates if they have someone who knows where they are. Not in a creepy way though!. He wants them to feel safe (I suspect he uses this as a line too!) He is not interested in long-term or marriage and he makes sure his dates know this.

 

My brother was a serial dater for some years after his wife died. Bar skanks and desperate woman mostly. When he wss ready for a relationship is when his friend convinced him to try the personals. They've been together 15 years now. Both retired on a ranch and happy.

[pcplod]

Brad is right, you really have to be prepared to post at least one (profile) photograph of yourself. If you don't you are handicapping yourself in a major way.

 

Look, if OLD is the new way of meeting people, and it seems it is getting mainstream approval by dint of the fact that so many people are using it, why get hung up on it? Why worry whether friends or acquaintances think it is odd? If that is the case, I would ask them how they know you are using it? And that is all despite the inevitable criticisms of it. It's just another tool, another means, not 'instead of'.

 

As for as the practicalities of any photograph are concerned. Put a bit of effort into your appearance, but don't go to a professional photographer for a portrait. Those sort of photographs are a bit suspect from more than one perspective. Also, don't include friends, pets, relatives, or grandchildren. I could explain why but it really shouldn't be necessary.

 

You can do this. You can overcome your inhibitions. You need to.

Edited June 30, 2013 by pcplod

[CptSaveAho]

imo bar dating is a step up from online dating... any of the major sites

 

read the people that post their stories here about OLD

 

some are STILL HERE YEARS after they havent learned about the quality of people of OLD are terrible

 

If you think of it in a logical sense... its like going grocery shopping at a convenience store.

 

Its easy and convenient and no real work goes into it. If you want to date people or enter relationships with people with this type of mentality... go for it

[soccerrprp]

I've never online dated in my whole life and I think I'm ready for a few acquaintances after a messy D and a few years without a companion. I just need some attention again, haha, and since I'm only working with women, there's no chance to meet someone in the workplace. I would actually prefer to meet someone in a normal setting, not on the Internet, but well.....people are busy and so am I do I guess.....I'll try.

 

What's the proper etiquette? Do women approach men? Or do I wait? I won't post any pics (too paranoid about ppl knowing me), but will e-mail to individual men, if requested. Is that in order? And how do you meet them? Where? What if you've got nothing to say to them??? Please advise.*

 

Minnie09, here is my 2-cents. I have dated exclusively OLD and I'm in my 40s, so have some experience, but, by no means should you take what I say as THE way to do it....

 

1. Don't be afraid to make first contact.

2. Your chances of getting interest are MUCH higher if you post pics. Please, make certain they are recent, clear face and body pics.

3. When you make contact, chat a little while online. That's my advice. Get to know how and what that person is thinking while online.

4. Be wary of pics of guys partying, with other girls, etc.

5. NEVER give anyone your address.

6. Google them, FB them, find out what you can online

7. Insist on getting their real name. At least first.

8. Ask them what they do. Find out what you can about their knowledge of their profession by asking questions of interest.

9. Ask them why and how long they've been online

10. When ready, give your phone number and talk to the person over the phone! This is very important. I believe having a real-time, over the phone conversation will reveal a lot. I hope you are comfortable with that.

11. Meet someplace public, safe.

12. Talk about various topics online, over the phone before meeting.

13. When you meet, treat it like any other date.

14. If you are not interested, please do the decent thing and say that you are not interested. Be warned some guys are jerks and will cuss you out. The rejection can be simple as: "I don't think we're a match. Good luck to you!"

15. You will hear from some "interesting" guys and many if you are deemed attractive. Just be careful. Deception is easier online, but no more pernicious then meeting someone in person really.

16. Be clear about multi-dating. It's a problem. I used to do it, but found it to be terribly messy. The ladies are especially the victims of this, so assume that you are one of many that the guy is checking out.

17. Know that many are there for sex. Just be aware that is the reality.

18. The biggest thing I have seen about OLD is the GIGS (grass is greener syndrome). It's not pretty...ugh.

 

All I can think of for now. The OLD experience can be manageable, but you need to be alert. I have had a pretty good experience meeting ladies (all sane as far as i can tell) and remain friends with some. There are some good people out there. All of the horror stories you hear, well, it doesn't mean it will happen to you. Some people do use OLD b/c it is convenient and don't have time to visit bars, parties, etc. If you think about it, people who date in RL or face to face don't know anything about that person either. And, you meet the person face to face eventually as well, right? Also, there are plenty of people on LS that don't do OLD and guess what? They have their share of horror stories too. You get all kinds of people on OLD. So it is for non-OLD.

 

Good luck!

 

I can't believe I just shared all that with you. I never thought I'd feel comfortable enough to do so....eesh.

Edited June 30, 2013 by soccerrprp

[HokeyReligions]

Excellent post soccerrprp. That should be pinned for everyone to reference. Thank you for sharing.

[sillyanswer]

What's the proper etiquette? Do women approach men? Or do I wait? I won't post any pics (too paranoid about ppl knowing me), but will e-mail to individual men, if requested. Is that in order?

 

Proper etiquette is to post pics. If you don't then this happens:

 

You get in to a conversation with a handsome guy. You like him! You agree to send photos. You never hear from him again. You get upset that you got rejected due to how you look.

 

Whereas if you post pictures anyone who doesn't like them simply won't contact you in the first place, or won't reply to your initial contact email, and you'll never know why.

 

Apart from that, read the 100 page sticky thread at the top of the forum. All the answers are in there already.

[Minnie09]

Why is it that on match when someone gives you their e-mail it's not written down like a normal e-mail address, but they encrypt it somehow, like soandso AT blablabla DOT NET

 

What's the deal here?

[fortyninethousand322]

Why is it that on match when someone gives you their e-mail it's not written down like a normal e-mail address, but they encrypt it somehow, like soandso AT blablabla DOT NET

 

What's the deal here?

 

Maybe to get it through the site's filters?

 

If you take your communicating to an outside email, the site might lose business.

[FitChick]

Maybe to get it through the site's filters?

 

If you take your communicating to an outside email, the site might lose business.

Sometimes the robots are too clever and block that, especially if it's the email you signed up with. You could try the same format but use a different email.