Ex called after 3 years of no contact!

[SuckerPunch86]

I'm new to these forums, so bear with me...

 

My ex-girlfriend and I broke up about three years ago, after dating for about three and a half years. We had our ups and downs like any long-term couple, but overall I thought we had a great relationship. The last half of our relationship was long-distance. We met in college in NY, but after graduating she moved back home to Indiana. Needless to say, the long distance aspect definitely put pressure on our relationship. I had a gut feeling she had been cheating on me prior to our breakup. My suspicions were confirmed about a month afterwards, when I found out she had a secret facebook profile, and she had been dating a guy a couple weeks prior to our breakup. (A guy she had insisted was no threat to our relationship) I was absolutely crushed when I found out... I had thought of this girl as my best friend, and at one point hoped to marry her.

 

The 9 months following our breakup was absolute torture for me. I lost weight, and felt emotionally and physically drained. All could I could think about was my ex. She contacted me three separate times during that period. When she called the first time (3 months after our breakup) she confessed that she had cheated, and said she missed me and our relationship, but she was still dating the same guy. Three months after that she called again to say that she missed me and wanted to see how I was doing. At this point I had become increasingly bitter about our breakup, and I insisted that we not talk anymore as long as she was still dating this other guy. I mailed back all her belongings along with a nasty letter detailing how much she had hurt me (a very big mistake in hindsight). We didn't speak until 3 months later, when I got a random text from her at 12am telling me they had broken up. Once again she insisted that she missed me and wanted to try and be friends again. At first, she seemed really genuine, and we were calling and texting all the time. Then her calls and texts started to dwindle off. When I asked her what was going on, she told me she was still dating the same guy. When I learned this I completely lost it... we exchanged some pretty heavy words, and our conversation ended with an agreement not to speak anymore.

 

I was absolutely furious with her at this point... I had essentially wasted 9 months prolonging our break up. I realized she had been using me as safety-net for her new relationship. I made it a point to completely cut her out of my life. I blocked her and and her family members on Facebook, and I deleted her number from my phone. Fast-forward three years 'til today... I've gotten my Master's degree and I'm currently looking for a new job. I hit the gym and gained about 15 pounds of muscle. I also started using a dating website, and have gone on plenty of dates (with limited success). She sent me a few brief emails during that time, during my birthdays and another during Hurricane Irene, which said "please stay safe". Although, I never responded.

 

This past Friday I got an alert on my phone saying I had friend request on facebook. I didn't recognize the name, and profile was essentially blank... except for the location, which pointed to a small town outside Indianapolis (not far from where she grew up). I ignored it and continued on with my day. A few hours later I got a call from someone with a 317 area code, but when I answered it the person immediately hung up. Than I remembered that the area code came from Indianapolis. At this point I was getting suspicious, so I looked up the number. It was a general number from the hospital she had worked at in Indy prior to our breakup. At this point I knew she had tried to call, but once again I ignored it an continued on with my day. Within a few minutes of getting home I got an email from her which said "I called you today. I don't know why... I guess to apologize but I realized it was probably fruitless. Then I figured you probably realized it was me so I thought I may as well come clean about it".

 

So I did the healthiest thing I could think of. I went out with my friends and had a good time. I told them what happened, and asked for ideas about what I should do, and got some mixed responses. Some think that I should completely ignore it, while others think I should respond and hear what she has to say. To be honest, I'm definitely a bit torn about what I should do. I was just shocked she would try to contact me after no speaking for so long. I definitely think there's an underlying reason for her contact, whether shes lonely, or got married/engaged, or broke up (who knows?). I just want an outside opinion on the matter.

[Warrior]

I'll tell you what to do man. Do that, and nothing else.

 

Do not tell her anything, don't send her any messages. She is just trying to **** up your mind again. Keep hustling, hit the gym constantly like you are doing (good job man!!!!). **** that bitch, you'll find a real girl. If she was the one it would be obvious by the first message she sent you, but she is not.

 

I hope you will take this advice. Forget her she will do it again

[Nukem]

Hey,

I am not experienced.

 

But I think you should do what your heart tells you.

As I got you do not have a relationship at the moment. Why don't you call her up.

People forgive and forget. At least you can chit chat for awhile.

 

Godspeed, SP86

[fucpcg]

I'll tell you what to do man. Do that, and nothing else.

 

Do not tell her anything, don't send her any messages. She is just trying to **** up your mind again. Keep hustling, hit the gym constantly like you are doing (good job man!!!!). **** that bitch, you'll find a real girl. If she was the one it would be obvious by the first message she sent you, but she is not.

 

I hope you will take this advice. Forget her she will do it again

 

I disagree. I don't know what your ex is up to, but my first love contacted me years later of NC, and she did it to apologize, and her and I are now very good friends, I couldn't believe how much she changed as a person, and we'd probably be dating if it weren't for us now living 1,000 miles apart. Something positive could come from this, but you won't know if you ignore it. I never would have contacted my ex after the way she left me, it was up to her. She did, and I am glad now that she did.

[Gulf-Delta]

I'll tell you what to do man. Do that, and nothing else.

 

Do not tell her anything, don't send her any messages. She is just trying to **** up your mind again. Keep hustling, hit the gym constantly like you are doing (good job man!!!!). **** that bitch, you'll find a real girl. If she was the one it would be obvious by the first message she sent you, but she is not.

 

I hope you will take this advice. Forget her she will do it again

 

Yeah, she's probably sitting at home in her laboratory after three years and finally said "YES, I HAVE DEVISED THE ULTIMATE WAY TO MAKE HIM MAD! HAHAH!"

 

You guys and your crazy "women as evil genius' who only live to make us miserable and spend all their free time thinking of ways to hurt us" theories.

[Dblock10]

depends if you want to risk being hurt by her again... where will you draw the line?

 

id say yes you may as well reply but do not kiss her ass. it all depends how you feel not anyone else. just do what you think is right.

[xenomorph]

I'd say arrange a time to talk on neutral grounds and hear her out. Have her hear you out. This may be a great opportunity to mend bridges and have real closure and healing. Nothing wrong with that.

 

But nothing beyond friendship! If she hints towards a relationship, that's a whole other can of worms that both of you should avoid right now.

 

Also, keep a time limit in mind. Keep it to 30 min or so. If that goes well, then you can continue communication with her (again, as friends only). However, if you feel that you would rather not talk to her, then she needs to know that as well, in non-contentious terms. Find the right form of communication.

 

No need to paint her as the enemy. Maybe she's grown

[Warrior]

I disagree. I don't know what your ex is up to, but my first love contacted me years later of NC, and she did it to apologize, and her and I are now very good friends, I couldn't believe how much she changed as a person, and we'd probably be dating if it weren't for us now living 1,000 miles apart. Something positive could come from this, but you won't know if you ignore it. I never would have contacted my ex after the way she left me, it was up to her. She did, and I am glad now that she did.

 

Yea, I have to agree with what you said.

I take my previous post back. I know when 3 years pass from the BU I experienced now I will think like you. As of now I am like, if I was you I wouldn't put my hand back in the fire, I would rather discover something new and fresh.

 

Now I have a girl "knocking down my door" that I dated before, never really got too serious with her (bad timing and other major life decisions) before so i'm thinking giving it a shot this time. I think it would be beautiful we'll see.

[bikinibeach]

You are the biggest sucker on the PLANET if you respond to this person!!!!!!! Have some self respect, please! Do you seriously want to be the guy that fills time in between when her and the guy you left her for are fighting?

 

The longer you have weirdos like this peeking in on your life and poking you with a stick from time to time, the more you attract other weirdos. Change your phone number already!! And block that facebook profile that tried to add you! Aren't you a little incensed that she made a fake facebook profile to contact you...kind of like the one she made to cheat on you with??

 

If you guys just broke up for neutral reasons and she didn't disrespect you over and over and over and over again, then yeah, maybe take her call and she ho she's doing. But you are WAAAAAAAAAAY beyond that!!

 

There is a saying in sales that as long as the customer is still talking, it's not over. AKA if someone goes out of their way to tell you NO and the reasons why they don't want to vuy what you're selling, you still have a chance to hook them. You don't owe her an explanation, so no telling her no, explaining what she's done wrong- just complete block block block ignore!!

 

Trust me, the best way to make this girl eat herself alive is to go complete no contact and ignore the hell out of her!!! This way, she has to live with her actions and maybe she will learn and prevent her from ****ing up more guys and YOU get to get rid of a dead weight on your life who USES you for an ego boost when she's having a hard time with the guy she cheated on you with.

 

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!

 

After The Breakup: Hold Tight To Your Self-Respect and Stop Trying To Be Friends With The Ex That Mistreated You! | Baggage Reclaim

Edited July 16, 2012 by bikinibeach

[WiseOne1]

Don't do it, trust me, nothing good can come out of it. After the other guy bangs her brains out and leaves she calls you??

[SuckerPunch86]

You are the biggest sucker on the PLANET if you respond to this person!!!!!!! Have some self respect, please! Do you seriously want to be the guy that fills time in between when her and the guy you left her for are fighting?

 

The longer you have weirdos like this peeking in on your life and poking you with a stick from time to time, the more you attract other weirdos. Change your phone number already!! And block that facebook profile that tried to add you! Aren't you a little incensed that she made a fake facebook profile to contact you...kind of like the one she made to cheat on you with??

 

If you guys just broke up for neutral reasons and she didn't disrespect you over and over and over and over again, then yeah, maybe take her call and she ho she's doing. But you are WAAAAAAAAAAY beyond that!!

 

There is a saying in sales that as long as the customer is still talking, it's not over. AKA if someone goes out of their way to tell you NO and the reasons why they don't want to vuy what you're selling, you still have a chance to hook them. You don't owe her an explanation, so no telling her no, explaining what she's done wrong- just complete block block block ignore!!

 

Trust me, the best way to make this girl eat herself alive is to go complete no contact and ignore the hell out of her!!! This way, she has to live with her actions and maybe she will learn and prevent her from ****ing up more guys and YOU get to get rid of a dead weight on your life who USES you for an ego boost when she's having a hard time with the guy she cheated on you with.

 

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!

 

After The Breakup: Hold Tight To Your Self-Respect and Stop Trying To Be Friends With The Ex That Mistreated You! | Baggage Reclaim

 

I'm starting to think that ignoring her may be the best way to go... After all this time I still do care for this girl, she really was my first love. However, I've got bad vibes about this whole situation. I know how she is (was), and that email just screamed 'seeking attention' to me. I still have this gut feeling that the only reason she's attempting to contact me is because she may be on the outs with that guy... Even if that isn't the case and they're still together, I would imagine they'd be on their way to getting married by now (which would be interesting in itself, because I know he has a young daughter with another girl...)

 

My ex is the type of person who disliked the idea of people not liking her. She had her own self-esteem issues (as we all do), but it was a constant source of tension in our relationship, because she was never able to let go of her ex's. Even when some of them tried to butt into our relationship, she never told them to piss off, because she never wanted to hurt anyone. In all honesty, I'm probably the only one out of all her ex's that really adhered to the concept of NC and I know that probably bothers her, at least a little bit. That also be one of the reasons she's attempting to get in touch... but who the hell knows? I appreciate all the input thus far!

[StrangeBehaviors]

She just wants to play with you some more. Like the other poster said-if it was an reasonably amicable breakup, then it would be ok after this long. But with her behavior at the breakup, and continued behavior later, no.

 

People show you who they are and in general do not change. Wanna' go back to that? Ok with what she's done in the past? Cause that's what she's gonna' do in the future with you and to you.

[WiseOne1]

Actually allow me to try a different pov. If you were over her you wouldn't care really, for example, I could care less of what my ex thinks about me, rather she thinks I still love her or that I hate her, we've grew so far apart that I simply see her as a stranger.

 

I think there's always a chance that your feelings for her can flare up again, you really have to weigh the odds..which would feel worse knowing that you ignored her? Or knowing that you played right into her selfish reasons.

[EgoJoe]

I would reply to the email like this.

 

"Of course I realized it was you. Whatever you have to say, you may sat it via this medium and it had better be important because I'm only willing to listen once and I would prefer to go back to the way things were prior to this contact."

 

Then, go about your business like nothing happened. She'll either reveal her intentions or run away scared because you're not playing into her hand.

 

In my opinion, it sounds like a GIGS returnee. You're new and improved and she is....calling up you.

[Gulf-Delta]

Oh please guys. It's been THREE years.

 

There's no reason to not talk like normal people here. If there was ever a chance to start with a clean slate, this is it.

[listen_to_me_please]

the same thing happen to me. ex cheated, blah blah, no contact 3 years, then i get a facebook message.

 

i ignored it for 2 months then i finally answered. me knowing what i know now.. I should of just ignored her.

[Gulf-Delta]

the same thing happen to me. ex cheated, blah blah, no contact 3 years, then i get a facebook message.

 

i ignored it for 2 months then i finally answered. me knowing what i know now.. I should of just ignored her.

 

KNOWING is better than wondering what if.

[EgoJoe]

There is no need to wonder what if when you're in control. Because you decide what you'll tolerate and invest.

 

Simultaneously, no amount of time apart will be sufficient enough to remove all of the bad blood; forgiveness or not. The reason being that his self-respect is more important than some misconceived concept of Romance or Chivalry filtered through via Hollywood.

[SuckerPunch86]

Thanks again for the all the input, really do appreciate it!

 

I read everyone's posts and after thinking about it I decided to respond with a short email. I used EgoJoe's idea and sent a short reply saying that I'd be willing to hear what she had to say if she wanted to talk, but it would be a one time thing, and I had planned on resuming NC (unless I felt she was genuinely apologetic). I have no delusions about starting a friendship with this girl after all the hurt she's put me through. I gave her a small time frame when I wasn't busy, and I'd be able to talk... That was yesterday morning. I haven't received any response from her.

 

I think this just proves that my initial gut feeling was correct. This girl definitely has ulterior motives for contacting me... Either that, or Joe's theory about her running scared after reading the email was correct... In either case, I feel like I've already invested to much time on the matter, and probably should have just left it where it was... dead and buried.

[Fortune Cookie]

I was going to say be very careful because it seems likely you're just the fallback plan again, but after re-reading the cheating bit... yeah... the idealist in me wants to say if you can maintain a friendly relation, sure -but you know what? No. Don't try. If she wishes you good health or something, I guess you can wish her it back, but don't let yourself be sucked into a relationship! Seriously! If you don't have that strength of will, then don't contact her. It sucks to feel bad about it, but never get in over your head. Just let her go and go on with your life. She should too.

[wilsonx]

Thanks again for the all the input, really do appreciate it!

 

I read everyone's posts and after thinking about it I decided to respond with a short email. I used EgoJoe's idea and sent a short reply saying that I'd be willing to hear what she had to say if she wanted to talk, but it would be a one time thing, and I had planned on resuming NC (unless I felt she was genuinely apologetic). I have no delusions about starting a friendship with this girl after all the hurt she's put me through. I gave her a small time frame when I wasn't busy, and I'd be able to talk... That was yesterday morning. I haven't received any response from her.

 

I think this just proves that my initial gut feeling was correct. This girl definitely has ulterior motives for contacting me... Either that, or Joe's theory about her running scared after reading the email was correct... In either case, I feel like I've already invested to much time on the matter, and probably should have just left it where it was... dead and buried.

 

This entire thread is full of delusions. I don't ever want to hear from her again unless its under my terms and my terms only. Yet I post in a second chance forum because I have no intentions or I dont want to have a second chance with her but I will meet her to hear what she has to say and if its good enough I might give her a second chance....LOL

 

Right, you're a great mind reader. You know exactly whats going on in her head as do the rest of the people on the forum. Its more projections of how you feel if anything and you haven't really listened to her, probably never have. If anything you are afraid of her.

 

If I am dealing with something like this, especially after years, I do not run to the forums or take a survey from my friends. I make a decision. Either talk to her and "LISTEN" to what they have to say or ignore and keep moving forward.

Edited July 18, 2012 by wilsonx

[SuckerPunch86]

This entire thread is full of delusions. I don't ever want to hear from her again unless its under my terms and my terms only. Yet I post in a second chance forum because I have no intentions or I dont want to have a second chance with her but I will meet her to hear what she has to say and if its good enough I might give her a second chance....LOL

 

Right, you're a great mind reader. You know exactly whats going on in her head as do the rest of the people on the forum. Its more projections of how you feel if anything and you haven't really listened to her, probably never have. If anything you are afraid of her.

 

If I am dealing with something like this, especially after years, I do not run to the forums or take a survey from my friends. I make a decision. Either talk to her and "LISTEN" to what they have to say or ignore and keep moving forward.

 

Sweet advice pal...

 

Just "make a decision", without taking any outside advice or criticism first... I'm sure that line of thinking will work wonders for you in the future.

 

I can assure you that my 'LISTENING' skills weren't an issue in our relationship. Even if that was the case, there were plenty of other factors at play... including the 800 miles of separation. So there really isn't any way I can "meet" her.

 

I would love to know how my actions indicate that I'm "afraid" of this girl. I answered the phone when she called, and SHE promptly hung up. I responded to her email without getting emotional, and SHE didn't respond... but yet I'M the one who's afraid. That makes total sense...

[LasVegasGuy]

I have actually done this sort of thing before, although I wasn't the dumper I was the dumpee.

 

I did this to a ex that I haven't talked too in 3 years, I sent emails just to get a reaction out of her, although she ended the relationship I knew how to pull her strings and get her all worked up, I went so far as saying I would take her back, and have her accept, just to drop if the face of the planet.

 

She has a kid now, so that's really the main turn off, as I have always wanted to start my own family from fresh, just not attracted to women with kids.

 

In the end yes..even after 3 years people will do what they feel to get a ego boost, was it childish? Yes

[Frank13]

Oh please guys. It's been THREE years.

 

There's no reason to not talk like normal people here. If there was ever a chance to start with a clean slate, this is it.

 

That's even more reason not to talk. She didn't need him for three years and now she comes snooping around?

 

He still cares about her. This is just risking the feelings coming back.

[Gulf-Delta]

That's even more reason not to talk. She didn't need him for three years and now she comes snooping around?

 

He still cares about her. This is just risking the feelings coming back.

 

So, what's the issue with coming right out and asking her what the F she wants? That will pretty much clear up and false expectations he may have, let her know HIS intentions...there's no downside to just manning up and asking her her intentions...if he isn't cool with her responce, he can say "ok bye," and if her answer is something positive in his eyes, he can pursue it further.