Should I end my marriage?

[Changeofhabbit]

I have been married for 22 years now. At first I was happy to have a smart successful woman head over heals for me. Maybe I was blind. Funny thing is I never actually fell in-love with her. I loved being around her and the way she treated me (like a king) I was very happy.

 

For years now my marriage has not been good or have I been happy. For the first 5 years things were pretty good. Actually she changed her behavior only months after married. I was told by a few how controlling she is. I guess I had my eyes closed but I sure found out in time. If things did not go her way she got angry and threatening, pouting almost like a child.

 

I am very sexual and passionate in nature. She was seeming some what passionate in bed at first too but it fell off in time and was gone after our second child.

 

She never wanted to fit in with my side of the family. We always spend time with her side. She does not seem to like anyone after a few months and she seemingly has no interest in friends. After our marriage she dumped all of hers and made my friends feel like they were in her way taking up her time with me.

 

She seems to always look for the negative in everything. She is successful because she is dam good at work she does and a very very smart lady. She has made a few enemies along the way though.

 

She is the type that would want to squish you if you crossed her. If you are in her circle all is great.

 

Bottom line now is I am so tired of her act. We have no romance no sex and we see the future in two different lights. I have been wanting a new life for some years now.

 

Twice in our marriage she got upset to the point where she said she wanted a divorce. She was upset over events where she could not control want I wanted to do. That I was doing it regardless of her wishes. Simple things like I am going to the gym instead of something she wanted me to do or I wanted to take a dance lesson with or without her. Turns out when she felt better she did not want a divorce.

 

I had never had sex with another woman in 22 years. This year I found myself searching online for companionship. Just online chats was my intent. It lead to meeting someone and we had sex. Not just sex but mad passionate wild fun sex. Sex I never had with her. Now I feel I have stepped over the line. I want a divorce not because of this other woman (which I have seen three times and we are not going to continue) but because I am not happy in my marriage and I had an affair. I just think I should start new and be happy. There is no point in having other affairs and stay married. In fact I see no point to stay married other then for the sake of my kids. They are now 17 and 12. The 17 year old understands my unhappiness and seems fine if we divorce. It is the 12 year old that would be hurt.

 

I have not told anyone of my affair. When I talk about my marriage to people I trust half tell me to try to save the marriage for the kids while the other half say get out and be happy?

 

I feel there is no point in staying unhappy.

[Spark1111]

Well, here is what I advise: Tell her all you have told here. You are unhappy, no miserable, and want to go to MC because you are thinking of Divorce.

 

Absolutely NO MORE AFFAIRS for whatever timetable you establish in your mind to do EVERYTHING in your power to save the marriage. Tell your wife your timetable. One year? 18 months?

 

It's easy to have mad, passionate, fun sex with someone who does not know you or live with you day in and day out. So that is not the answer and will not help you solve your problems, EVER.

 

She may surprise you say, yes, let's divorce. Or she may be willing to try for the timetable you have set. You also need to both attend IC to understand what you want in a relationship at this stage of your lives, and then MC to find if that can be attained in your current relationship.

 

How does your 17 year know about how unhappy you are in this marriage to his mother? You are not confiding in him are you? Because that would heartless and cruel.

 

I would never advise someone to stay or go for the sake of the children because children are very intuned to their parents feelings, both good and bad.

 

But I think you owe it to your sons to ALWAYS treat their mother, and all conversations regarding her, with respect and kindness in their presence and in her presence.

 

That is what good fathers do whether they remain married to the mother or not.

[M30USA]

Agreed. Don't even think about an affair. Not only is it not morally right, but it can bite you in the ass during a divorce/custody trial. My wife tried using my online porn as an "affair" in court. Imagine if I actually had an affair. Sheesh.

[Nukem]

Spark and M30 are correct.

 

I would add

- do not talk about divorce

- stop the affairs

- both have to try MC

- do not put time lines. Saving a marriage does not have to have a deadline

 

- do things together

- spend quality time together, stop going to gym and dance lessons without her

- Marriage is the most important. You happiness is not important.

Your sons still need both their parents.

- You owe her 2o+ years of love

 

- read The 5 Love Languages The Secret to Love by Gary Chapman

I can mail you the book if you wish. You should get her primary love language.

- if she feels your love she will be yours and you'll control her, I hope

 

Just give a try for a couple of months.

I promise you it won't be waste of time

 

Godspeed, C.o.h.

[tojaz]

- Marriage is the most important. You happiness is not important.

 

Seriously hoping thats some sort of typo Nuke! Otherwise i owe you a smack!

 

If your not happy then your marriage will not be happy. All things in balance, you have to happy with yourself before you can give your best to someone else.

 

There is a time when you have to put your marriage/relationship first, but the reverse is also true. Its finding the space in the middle where everyone involved can get and give what they need that makes it work.

 

TOJAZ

[Nukem]

I think that to love unconditionally means to love even if you are temporarily not happy. They should decide to love each other. Once a man said that the happiness does not depend on your partner, it is not a station it is a manner of travelling.

 

Hope I escaped the smack

[Radu]

You have 2 options and it depends on what you are willing to sacrifice.

 

1

Tell you wife you have been feeling unhappy, and you need to do MC, maybe even tell of the affairs.

 

2

Be shady.

Talk to a lawyer and a CPA, prepare.

Your 12yr old, spend time with him/her [i hope it's a her], don't say anything to your 17 yr old [i suspect it's a her].

Stop the affairs.

Do not fight her.

Tell her you are getting a divorce when you are ready, start the divorce proceedings, and if she wants to make it work through MC, give it a shot if you want.

 

I am normally of the mind that says 'marriage must work' but marriage can't work at the expense of just 1 person, it's a joint thing and some of the things you said about your wife scare the hell out of me.

I would even consider going into therapy right now, IC.

The way she acted when you two first met, the tempting with sweety behaviour, the removing of your friends and her friends ... does this woman even have friends outside of suckups ?; i suspect she may have a serious mental problem, and if that's the case you need to show your kids normalcy, and you need to be prepared because generally in divorces mothers are favoured for primary custody.

[writergal]

You've already answered your own question: you want to divorce your wife, so then you should.

 

By the time I was 17 (I'm 41 now), I could tell that my parent's marriage had all but shriveled up and died, because they had become platonic roommates. I even confronted my father at a college hockey game he let me tag along to. Hockey was one of his "escapes" from time at home. I said point blank to him once we sat down on the bleachers, "Dad, why don't you just divorce Mom, so that you two can be happy?" Well, he used his cancer as an excuse to stay married (he died five years later). I know he loved my mother and what they had in their past. But marriages do die. If my father had beat his cancer, I'm certain he would have gone through with the divorce. They stopped going out on dates and being romantic by the time I was a freshman in high school, and spent most of the time arguing the way platonic roommates do.

 

I know you are worried about how your 12 year old would react to the divorce. But there are ways you can help your 12 year old and 17 year old. Starting with websites, books, and counseling about the process and how it affects the family unit. Children and Divorce: Helping your kids cope with the effects of separation and divorce

 

I think it would be wrong for you to stay married when you have been miserable for YEARS. You would not be the first or last father to divorce your children's mother. Tell your children the truth. Tell your wife the truth. Do not put yourself second because of some archaic, patriarchal role model that society created to imprison men and women who get married.

 

If you feel that your marriage is over for you (and your wife obviously does, otherwise why would she threaten divorce), then you need to follow through with that so that you can start your life anew. Your children will cope as well as they can, based on the tools they are given (counseling, reassurance from you and your wife that their own emotional needs will not be neglected because their parents need to live separate lives now).

 

Children need stability, structure, love and emotional support...esp. during a divorce. You can do family therapy sessions together before, during and after the divorce (just as an example) or just during and after or whatever. I had several friends do family counseling with their children when they went through their divorce process and later on the children said that the structure of the counseling sessions gave them a place to really feel safe to openly discuss their fears about what would happen to their own lives, once their parents separated.

 

If you stay married for your children's sake, they will be worse off because the model of marriage you and your wife will provide is one that lacks emotional intimacy, trust, respect and romance. The model of marriage I grew up with was a very dysfunctional model and I see it play out in my two siblings marriages all the time. My brother is very emotionally needy and his wife is cold, whereas my sister is the emotionally closed off one, who creates "conditions" for her husband to fulfill in order to be let in to her emotional life. He basically was a different person when they dated, and now he's very much "second in command" in their marriage and the way that they raise their children. The balance of power is off-kilter in both of their marriages, and I believe that has a lot to do with our parent's unhealthy marriage model. I know that has a lot to do with why I'm still single. I'm afraid of repeating that pattern with a future husband, so it's easier for me to avoid the risks that involve being married, by staying single. I know that's a cop-out but it's where I'm at right now. If my parents had divorced and been honest with my siblings and I, we'd have grown up with a much healthier view of marriage and understand why divorce is necessary, and not view it as some big, scary monster that destroys families. That's why you need to be honest with yourself, your wife and your children about this if you decide to go through with the divorce. Otherwise, lying by omission is still lying, which will do more damage to your children in the long run. Believe it or not, children aren't completely fragile. They deserve honesty and respect from adults, and they deserve credit for their willingness to adapt to changing circumstances as long as their needs are maintained in healthy and safe ways by the adults in their lives.

 

Life is short. Do what's right in your heart. Whatever that is. And everything will work out the way it's supposed to. You have to believe that it will.

Edited July 17, 2012 by writergal

[writergal]

I think that to love unconditionally means to love even if you are temporarily not happy. They should decide to love each other. Once a man said that the happiness does not depend on your partner, it is not a station it is a manner of travelling.

 

Hope I escaped the smack

 

You may have escaped the "smack" from tojaz, but not from me.

 

Seriously Nukem! What you're advising is for the OP to stay in his marriage to be miserable, because he's obligated to fulfill his role of unconditional love for his wife.

 

If you read the OP's post, his unhappiness with his marriage and his wife has been long-term for YEARS. Temporary implies a few days, weeks or months, but not years. She doesn't make him happy anymore. Why should the OP stay with a woman who makes him miserable.

 

Look at the worst literary marriages...

 

The Great Gatsby's Daisy and Tom Buchanan. They had a loveless but stable marriage. Tom is stuffy and uptight whereas Daisy is a flaky socialite. The only reason they stayed together, was to maintain their affluent lifestyle.

 

Gone With the Wind's Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler. Before they were even married, Scarlett married her first and second husbands for financial reasons and social status. Both were passive men who died. Meanwhile, Scarlett is is love with Ashley Wilkes for her entire life, although her cousin is married to Mr. Wilkes. Does Scarlett care that he's married? Nope. She tries to manipulate Wilkes into having an affair to no avail. Then Rhett Butler comes along. He's the only man who can put up with Scarlett O'Hara's personality. But even he gives up and divorces Scarlett after he realizes she will never let go of her love for Wilkes. Scarlett doesn't care about anyone but herself.

 

There are plenty of other literary examples of loveless marriages between characters who stay together for financial or social status reasons, but never for love. And I didn't even tap the dysfunctional marriages in the plays of Shakespeare yet...man o man!

 

The OP shouldn't stay in his loveless marriage (or define it) based on what other people expect or think. Children are very perceptive and will catch on to the OP and his wife that their marriage isn't working. And that puts the OP and his wife in the awkward position of 1) being honest with their children that there are problems they have to work through or 2) do what my parents did and lie by omission, continuing to live in a loveless marriage which had become obvious to all 3 of their children. The OP and his wife model for their children how to live and interact and how to emotionally connect. You think staying in a loveless marriage will provide the OP's children with a healthy, functional model of adult relationships? I don't think so.

 

The OP can confront his wife and explain to her that the lack of emotional intimacy and other things need to be changed so that the marriage can work, even mentioning the brief affair. Or if the OP chooses to keep the brief affair secret, then he needs to change his own actions, and be the one to initiate the emotional intimacy and romance with his wife, instead of drawing on negative emotions as the OP has been doing for years.

Edited July 17, 2012 by writergal

[tojaz]

I think that to love unconditionally means to love even if you are temporarily not happy. They should decide to love each other. Once a man said that the happiness does not depend on your partner, it is not a station it is a manner of travelling.

 

Hope I escaped the smack

 

Not yet Nuke!

 

There is a big difference between loving unconditionally and falling on a sword to continue something that is unhealthy and not working. The more of yourself you give up to appease the situation, the more you will be expected to give up in the future. Eventually you hit a point where you have nothing left to sacrifice.

 

Love and happiness are not really connected like most people think. There are lots of people that have made me happy over the course of my life that I did not love. There are plenty of people that I love that rarely make me happy.

 

A big part of making it work is BOTH parties understanding that they can love each other even when they are not in agreement or feel the other party isn't treating them the way they would like. Thats what allows them to work through the rough patches. It is not only possible but healthy to love someone yet still maintain your own right to happiness and fulfillment when there is no room for that in the relationship either because one demands it or the other relinquished it there is big trouble.

 

The part that stands out in a lot of threads here is what is missing from the story.... what was done to try and correct the damage? Did the OP suggest change, counseling? Did he have the honest conversation about what he needed out of the relationship or where he felt their paths differed so they had a chance to get back on track? In this case it is impossible to tell from the OPs single post, but far too often the answer is no. Instead they give and sacrifice hoping things will level out all the while resentment builds. When they finally decide to say something, or act, or cheat ........they wind up here.

 

TOJAZ

[turnera]

I'm not going to discuss the fact that you cheated on your wife and kids. (yes, the kids)

 

What I AM going to discuss is this weird belief that if you just leave THIS woman and hop to another, you will somehow be happy. YOU have your OWN problems and issues, Change. She's not the only thing making your marriage untenable. And you don't seem to have done anything to change the marriage. You are speaking through the fog of an affair, which instantly heightens all negatives in your marriage and removes the positives. We see it all.the.time. It's documented script.

 

For your 12 year old's sake, I would be sorely disappointed in you if you didn't at LEAST spend six months trying to improve your marriage before dumping them all and running.

 

I know, you'll see your kids, good enough, they'll understand, blah blah blah - tell that to your 12 year old who is having their life pulled out from under them because YOU aren't happy but haven't done anything to FIX that.

 

If I were you, I'd do some reading on what makes a good marriage and see where you stand. Start with His Needs Her Needs by Harley.

 

Then add No More Mr Nice Guy, as there seems to be an element of you letting her get her way (thus your resentment and then unhappiness); it will teach you how to get your cajones back. Women HATE weak men, and it sounds like the longer you've been married, the weaker you became. And women have to have respect for their man, admire him, to want to have sex with him. You became a Beta Man so she lost interest in you sexually. You can fix that.

 

A really good one for your issue of giving up what you like just because he harps too much is Hold On To Your N.U.T.S., which teaches you how to keep what's important to YOU, while still putting your family first.

 

If you read these three books, I think you'll have enough ammunition to turn the marriage around, get her in line, and get her to be responsive to you again, thus avoiding turning your kids' lives upside down.

[Changeofhabbit]

First I like to thank each and everyone of you for your input. Your took time out of your life to help me with advice and I am touched.

 

I have lots to digest here, and I am thankful for it.

 

I have tried to make my marriage work. Obviously I have not done enough or the right things. I have always been the one to try to mend the relationship after one of her blow ups. She could pout for a week. Having said that I agree I am not perfect. Maybe I have become a beta male to some degree.

 

Yes, she scares the hell out of a lot of people. Some just get out of her way.

 

What is IC? lol Yes, I agree, I / we need to go to MC. It has been suggested by a friend that I go first and then bring her along after a session. I am looking into it.

 

I mind and body tells me I just want out. Just so tired of her act as I said before. Regardless, I feel I should give the MC a shot.

 

For the past 7 years she has been earning more. It seems like this eventually had a negative effect on her towards me. She would never admit it but I feel it. When dealing with the kids she always talks about how "I can not afford this or that, or how "I won't pay for that until" Hey, she may earn more now but crap what happen to the we.

 

Anyways, I know she is fed up too. I feel she should be happy if possible with someone who wants to be with her. When I go on business trips and I never miss her for a second. In fact I am glad to get away from her. I miss the kids but not her. This tells me a lot about the state and fate of my marriage.

 

Got too digest the above some more.

[turnera]

Here's the biggest secret nobody tells you when you get married: women want strong men, men who stand up to them. When you start appeasing to keep your wife happy, you start losing their respect. And no woman will want, or make happy, a man they don't respect. I know you THINK you've 'worked' on the marriage; I suspect all you've done is bend over backwards to please her. Which is the exact opposite thing you should be doing. Read those books. THEN look at what you've done in your marriage.

[turnera]

btw, I, too, look forward to when my DH goes out of town, so I can have that peace you're talking of. But I AM in IC (individual counseling) and do you know what's wrong with looking forward to them leaving? You only want it because you WANT to stand up to them, be heard, have your ENs met, have them stop LBing you. But that's all up to YOU. Not her.

 

In other words, she treats you that way because you allow her. Just like I allow my husband to get to me because I'm too passive, like you.

 

Have you heard of the Love Bank, or Love Bucket?

[evryrozhasitsthorn]

Dude, first of all you are a jackass for cheating. You not only cheated on your kids, but the other woman's husband and kids (if there were any). So you blew it on that one.

 

On another note...you need to look into borderline personality disorder. From what you describe, it seems like a strong possibility. You can check a book called "Stop Walking On Eggshells" I don't think someone with a fairly extreme case is capable of being lived with no matter how much counseling either one of you gets.

 

 

I already think you need to divorce, but of you think she has BPD, run and take the kids from her!

[Changeofhabbit]

Radu

option 1 for me is not an option. If I told her about my affair she could lose it and a very very bad way. She would probably cut something off when I was sleeping. She has told me and others that she would do such a thing. If it sound like I am scared of how she would react you are right.

Opt 2 is the only way.

 

Turnear

I have stood up to her. It usually just gets worse and she pouts and is nasty for days. Maybe she does have BPD. She can get so emotional and usually cries when she is mad. Part of what I do now is do things when I want, within reason and if she don't like it, too bad. She does not like it one bit but I don't care anymore.

 

I will check out those books

Love bank or love bucket...no I have not but I will look into it now

Thanks

 

evryroz

I do think I made a big mistake by cheating. I have learned, it speaks to me all the more why I should divorce. She is not the type that would forgive.

 

Tojaz

You are right, I have not done enough in the communication department relating to saving the marriage. Maybe its because I don't want to save it. I realize I should at least try though. Maybe I know how horrible she reacts and just don't want to go through with it. Sounds weak I know. I realize I got too.

 

Writergal

You make a lot of sense and I value your experience from your childhood

Edited July 18, 2012 by Changeofhabbit

[BetrayedH]

I could tell very early in your post that you have re-written your marital history. The fact that you have had an affair is what has convinced you that you have had a bad marriage. Wrong. I especially like that you "found" yourself looking at online relationships. What a load of bunk. As if you slipped, tripped and fell into a vagina.

 

I am sure that your wife has her faults. Who doesn't? Ou dropped a nuke on your family. Now you come here for validation that you should leave your W on top of that.

 

Sadly, the fact that you are not "happy" has posters all rooting for you to go get happy. Sure. Go ahead with half the population that doesn't know how to keep their commitments and destroy your wife and kids in the process. Ple ty of people will be around to tell you the kids will be just fine. Bull crap. The whole foundation for their family is torn apart for the sake of your wet willy.

 

If you want to do the right thing, fix your marriage as you swore before your God, family, and friends that you would do. But that would take courage. And a real man would have either fixed his marriage or left it. Instead you chose door number 3. No worries. There are plenty of other cowardly people here that will coddle you and tell you how you deserve to be happy, that you faithful wife is just awful, and that your kids will be just fine because well, it happens all the time.

 

Good luck to you.

[tojaz]

 

Tojaz

You are right, I have not done enough in the communication department relating to saving the marriage. Maybe its because I don't want to save it. I realize I should at least try though. Maybe I know how horrible she reacts and just don't want to go through with it. Sounds weak I know. I realize I got too.

 

If you were weak, you would be telling this story to an attorney now rather then to us.

 

There is no law that says you have to try, now a days people can divorce over leaving the toilet seat up or who eats the last cupcake if they so choose.

 

I'm not going to sugar coat it and say straight out that it was a weak man that cheated, but I believe it was a stronger man that wrote this post, thats asking questions, that wants to know more and make the right decision.

 

Your in a hard spot COH, I can understand and respect that she has not made things easy for you at all, but, and its just my opinion. I believe in being sure before taking such a drastic step. I will agree with you and say that there is no sense in remaining unhappy, but one should be sure that those are the only two choices.

 

So my advice would be to keep the affair to yourself, but have a very heartfelt talk with her and lay out the things your telling us. Politely, calmly, but also firmly. Suggest MC, and hopefully you both can give it an honest chance. If it cannot be saved, at least you will know that you tried, and it will help the both of you make a clean and somewhat healthier break. That seems to be quite the luxury these days.

 

TOJAZ

[standtall]

Change..betrayed sounds like he is dead on about your marriage.

 

 

 

On a plain and simple legal note, you have a choice to make.

 

Stay and actually work on your marriage.

 

Divorce and deal with the pros and cons of that. If you reveal your affair, then be prepared to face the consequences with your children's judgement about that........ they will become adults one day.

[Changeofhabbit]

BetrayedH

My reasons for wanting out are completely related to the fact I can no longer stand to be around my wife's day to day behavior. It is so unappealing and frankly gets me down. I am so tried of her act. I have wanted out and have felt this way for years, long before my affair. I am not rewriting what so ever. I can not change the way she is. She can only do that. This is unlikely to happen.

 

I have learn that my affair was a mistake and that I can not or should not have another affair. Otherwise I should just end it now. Even though I don't want to be in my marriage I have told myself I need give MC a shot. Reading the suggested books should help me see things from other points of view.

[tojaz]

BetrayedH

My reasons for wanting out are completely related to the fact I can no longer stand to be around my wife's day to day behavior. It is so unappealing and frankly gets me down. I am so tried of her act. I have wanted out and have felt this way for years, long before my affair. I am not rewriting what so ever. I can not change the way she is. She can only do that. This is unlikely to happen.

 

I have learn that my affair was a mistake and that I can not or should not have another affair. Otherwise I should just end it now. Even though I don't want to be in my marriage I have told myself I need give MC a shot. Reading the suggested books should help me see things from other points of view.

 

Why do people always post questions they already have answers for?

 

TOJAZ

[turnera]

BetrayedH

My reasons for wanting out are completely related to the fact I can no longer stand to be around my wife's day to day behavior. It is so unappealing and frankly gets me down. I am so tried of her act. I have wanted out and have felt this way for years, long before my affair. I am not rewriting what so ever. I can not change the way she is. She can only do that. This is unlikely to happen.

Her behavior is DIRECTLY related to yours, change. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet? Start today.

[Changeofhabbit]

I have read the book. I was a great read. I do fit some of the "mister nice guy" traits as described in the book but far from all? It may help me in future relationships but I think it is too late for this one. I am mentally done with my marriage.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I have not intention of convincing you of divorcing or staying that is your business. However, you did come here for advice on how to proceed, so here goes. Consult an attorney and develop a legal plan. Next you need to sit down with your wife and be honest with her about what has happened and what you are going to do. She obviously won't be happy, but at least she will have the truth and she deserves that much from you. Tell the boys what has happened and what you are going to do going forward.

 

If you had been honest from the get go, you wouldn't have this mess. You would have addressed the issue with your wife and gave counseling a chance. Instead you chose to indulge your own selfish desires. You may have still ended up in divorce, but at least you would have been honest in your motives and actions.

 

Like Betrayed has already mentioned this looks a lot like revisionist history. You start your comments by saying you never loved this women and now 22 years later you have to get out of this terrible relationship. If someone told you that story, what would you tell them? How does that story ever end? You married a women you didn't love, had two children with her and now decide it was a bad match? C'mon Man, that does not make a lick of sense. The fact is the marriage may be beyond repair, but now you need to Cowboy up and end this relationship the right way, if that is your decision.

[turnera]

What have you changed about yourself?