Should I end my marriage?

[Changeofhabbit]

I never said i did not love my wife. I never fell in love with her. In the beginning I was very fond of her and there was love but not in love. I thought it was enough to start a life together.

 

I have learn that I don't like to rock the boat. I always wanted peace in the home and did what I thought was the way to keep it. In time I just got very unhappy. I was over 20 years totally faithful. I finally had it and I fell into what I needed.

 

I have stopped the affair. Now I got to stop my way of hiding things in and let her know how unhappy I am. That I won't put up with her controlling, sour, negative ways. Stop trying to please others completely and do something for myself. See if that helps and how she responds. If nothing changes then or maybe regardless I should go counseling. Right now I don't feel it will change anything but it is the right thing to do and try.

 

I have started to do more of what I like. I tell her what I am doing and I just go do it. She has put up some ugly moments but they would of happened regardless.

[mid-divorce]

Now that she knows - its her choice. At least you have spoken up.

Im on the opp end of this - the problem was, not a waord was spoken to say there was a problem till my wife left and started a D. Since then ive been in counsellingm under my Gp and changed so much, BUT it appears to be to l8 - if she had spoken up before hand, im sure we would all be happy now

Edited December 22, 2012 by mid-divorce

[Oberfeldwebel]

I have never liked the I love them, but not IN love with them speech. It is so much double speak to me. The word love in English is an over used word, as it describes how we feel from everything from chocolate to our spouses. So when you say that you loved her, what did you mean? If you married the women than I think that most people would ASSUME that you were in love with her. If this was not an arranged marriage, then I would imagine that she ASSUMED you were in love with her. I highly doubt that you told her prior to marriage that I love you, but I am not in love with you. If that is true, then you were less than honest with her. I still think you may be revising history here as a justification for your actions.

 

This relationship will never be able to survive until you are honest with this women. Honest about how you feel, honest about how the relationship must change and honest about your affair. Ending the affair is a great start, now you two need to talk and develop a way forward.

[turnera]

let her know how unhappy I am. That I won't put up with her controlling, sour, negative ways. Stop trying to please others completely and do something for myself.

You need to read two books. They will help you understand what you're going through:

 

First, No More Mr. Nice Guy.

 

Then, Married Man Sex life Primer.

 

Trust me, it will make a difference.

[Changeofhabbit]

I don't think I am rewriting anything about my feelings about her in the beginning. I was happy to be around her, she made me feel great, we got along very well. Things is she was on her best behavior. Only later in time did the real person start to emerge. I was never, madly in love with her but at the time I was very happy to have her in my life. It was love but just not crazy, dreamy, story book in love stuff.

 

Turnera

I read the first book you have recommended

I will look for the second

 

Oberfeldwebel

 

I agree about the being honest part. Having said that there is no way I will tell her about the affair. Before me her previous BF did the same thing to her. I know how she would react. She just might cut off my parts in my sleep. At minimum she would make life hell for as long as she could. I know this side of her. I know her personality. It is her real personality that I am tired of dealing with. This relates to why I just don't like to be around her anymore.

[Midwestmom12]

Cheating is wrong and your wife didn't deserve the affair. With that said I don't think the affair is the issue. The issue is what is missing from the relationship?

 

I am not a cheater. I have always held judgmental views about cheaters. Like most people here I would lash out and state how selfish cheaters are. Then one day I found myself tempted to cheat. I didn't do it and I won't but the attraction to the other man was so strong.

 

I think when you have been married a long time it's easy to stick to what is familiar and comfortable and go through the motions. The daily routine of work and taking care of children can be enough to carry a bad marriage for a long time until you meet someone that wakes you up to what has been missing. Sometimes you're so engrossed in a situation and too close to it to realize how unhealthy it is. And then it happens. Someone crosses your path and awakens desires you weren't even aware you had.

 

As much as people don't like it it's reality and I know because I'm living it right now. Just like we lie to ourselves to sometimes justify our own actions we also do it to justify the actions of others.

 

The choice to stay or go is personal. Your wife probably isn't a monster but it does sound like she is not interested in fulfilling your needs. You have accepted this for a long time and for many reasons that most of us here will never know but you're tired now. You want your needs to be a priority as well and you are NOT wrong for that.

 

The question is, can your wife fill your needs? Are you willing to let her try? Do you want to work this out? Maybe in your mind you've tried and have reached a breaking point?

 

This is reality. Marriage isn't always forever and sometimes people change. Maybe you were once ok with her behavior but you've changed and that happens. Sometimes are spouses change with us and other times we have to move on to keep growing.

 

Leave your children out of this because no matter how terrible you feel she is she is still there mother. Man up and make a decision. You are the only person that knows what is best for you and your situation.

[Sparty97]

Spark and M30 are correct.

 

I would add

- do not talk about divorce

- stop the affairs

- both have to try MC

- do not put time lines. Saving a marriage does not have to have a deadline

 

- do things together

- spend quality time together, stop going to gym and dance lessons without her

- Marriage is the most important. You happiness is not important.

Your sons still need both their parents.

- You owe her 2o+ years of love

 

- read The 5 Love Languages The Secret to Love by Gary Chapman

I can mail you the book if you wish. You should get her primary love language.

- if she feels your love she will be yours and you'll control her, I hope

 

Just give a try for a couple of months.

I promise you it won't be waste of time

 

Godspeed, C.o.h.

 

 

Wow...so many things wrong with the above...

 

- spend quality time together, stop going to gym and dance lessons without her

 

 

Yes, spend quality time, but that shouldn't preclude either of you doing things on your own that you enjoy, especially if they are beneficial to your health.

 

 

- Marriage is the most important. You happiness is not important.

 

 

I can't even begin to talk about how dumb this is. Your happiness IS important. The marriage may be if it is salvageable.

 

- You owe her 2o+ years of love

 

 

No. You don't owe her love. Some honesty maybe, but not love.

 

- if she feels your love she will be yours and you'll control her, I hope

 

Why would you want to control her, or anyone else for that matter?

 

 

I was a child of divorce and trust me, I knew their marriage sucked and no one had to tell me (I was 11). Fault wasn't important to me, I just wanted them to pull the trigger and get it over with.

[Changeofhabbit]

I realize I got to tell her about my unhappiness. It will be ugly though. I must learn to express this cause I am tired of tip toeing around her. I am not looking forward to it but it has to be done. She knows things are not right and so do the kids.

 

She has proven she don't really care about my needs. My needs are not centered around sex. Truly I am so tired of her behavior. Ranting, sour face, negativity, day to day actions, letting herself go and not seeing it, her controlling ways. I just don't like being around her. She puts stress on everyone. No she is not a monster but yes she has behavior issues. Down deep I would love to have a nice, sweet, calm woman. This she will never be. I can not longer look at her in a romantic way. That died years ago.

 

Midwestmom12

Thank you for your honest response. Like you I have learned not to be so quick to judge people too. I would never thought in a million years I would have an affair. I just was not the type. Even going back 10 years if some one had a crystal ball and show me what I did I would not believe it. Something is so wrong with our marriage otherwise this would have never happened.