confused on events

[Selquist Argith]

I Came back home for a while and why I was there I ran into an old friend of mine, we went out a date, and ending up crashing at my place. Even from before I've liked her, and thats been no secret, she knew everyone knew, but my feelings havn't died with time, but at the moment she is seeing some guy who is in drug rehab, and basically using her for whatever he can milk her for, and only went to rehab because of a court order. I talked to her about it all, and trying to hook up with her, but she is loyal, one of the things I like about her. And I'm stuck, because I don't want to hurt her, and at the same time I don't want this crack head to destroy her heart. Any suggestions?

[Tony T]

Everybody has to learn their lessons and you can't interfere. She now has to learn to use discernment in deciding who she deserves her loyalty and who doesn't. It seems she just gives it out blindly at this point in Mother Theresa style. She'll grow out of that on day.

 

Once she gets trampled by this druggie, and that could take time, maybe she'll learn.

 

Right now, she's made it clear she wants to wait for him. She is probably thinking he'll really get rehabilitated. It's possible but not likely. If he does get off drugs, it's likely she won't like him anymore anyway because his personality will change dramatically.

 

You don't need to be in the middle of this or anywhere near it. There is simply no point in waiting around for this gal when there are many many others who are free and looking for someone like you.

 

The pain you will go through being her buddy and hearing about her love and loyalty for her guy in treatment is not worth it. Just stay away from her and, better yet, move on.

 

Very bluntly, I think if she truly had an interest in you, she would have made a move no matter how loyal she is. If she has enjoyed the company of a man addicted to drugs, chances are fairly good she uses them to some extent as well.

 

Even if she doesn't use drugs, she obviously enjoys relationships where she is abused and used. Since you are a nice guy and would not do those things, chances are nil she would have an interest in you romantically.

 

I think it's real nice when someone is honest with us. Thank her for not leading you on.

[Selquist Argith]

Wells thats just the thing, though she is loyal, she started moving on with things, but it hit after her bit, I know she cares for me, hell she proved it the other night, she almost did lose herself to the moment, but the guilt got her, she didn't want to cheat, I understand what you are saying about she needs to make her own mistake on this one. And thats why I'm so confused, I know I don't need to get caught up in on it, and I need to move on, but I can't something inside me is telling, to sit through this one, and that the means will justify the ends. Because of what she has told me, and what she has come close to doing.

[Mitch]

"I Came back home for a while and w[ell] I was there I ran into an old friend of mine, we went out a date, and ending up crashing at my place."

 

Hmmm... I'd say Tony nailed this one more or less.

 

But, in the interest of thoroughness, I'd ask her about what sort of future she thinks she has with this guy (again if it has already been covered).

 

And you need to REALLY, REALLY listen to have ANY chance of success.

 

Furthermore it should probably be in person where you guys can talk alone more or less (quiet bar, restaurant).

 

You also need to (you won't like this) treat it as the viable option that it is (at least for her) when you talk with her.

 

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What does this sort of listening really mean? It means that after she's done talking (no matter how long), you need to successfully sum up what she's said out loud ("So, let me make sure I understand, you ..."), and then probably follow up with another question. And repeat as necessary.

 

If you find you're doing most of the talking, especially in the beginning, it isn't working.

 

The key here is to get her thinking about the problem, and to get you understanding what she's thinking about.

 

Because that is the *only* way this can have a happy ending in the near term.

 

The only reason this seems worth persuing (being the long shot that it STILL is) IMHO is the aforementioned quote.

 

Sounds like you're new on the scene again.

 

Will it have a happy ending? Quite possibly no. If you go in realizing this, you will have a better chance.

 

And yeah, it will be tough.

 

Good luck.