Irreplaceable ex?

[villageman]

I have gone through break ups before, and I know that there is a tendency to put exes on a pedestal for a while after the break up. This time is a little different though. My last girlfriend really was one of those one in a million girls that you almost never find. Super model gorgeous, smart, kind, funny, totally unpretentious, super friendly, super positive... the list could go on forever. She treated me super well, but I took her for granted, and while the details aren't important, did some things that eventually caused her to leave me (not cheating, it had to do with being too focused on a career)

 

It's not just me either. When my friends learned about the breakup, they all seemed to agree that she was going to be a very hard act to follow. In past breakups, I've gotten the standard, "plenty of fish in the sea," line a lot. This time, people who knew her aren't really telling me that, they're usually just telling me that they're sorry and they can't believe I let her get away.

 

I'm not much of a catch at the moment either. When I met her, I was in my late 20s with a decent job and a good place to live. Now, I'm in my early 30s, and went back to school for a master's degree, so I'm poor and actually currently homeless, I'm sleeping on a friends couch at the moment. I'll be able to start putting my life together again in about a year when I finish school.

 

Anyway, that's not so important, the point is, I dated a girl who loved me, and I took her for granted, and she will be almost impossible to replace. How do you get over something like that? I'd like to date again at some point, but almost nobody measures up to her, I'm getting older and feel like I'm becoming less and less of a catch anyways, and I don't think I'll ever be able to find someone who can replace her. How do I cope with this?

[BrokenMirror]

I have gone through break ups before, and I know that there is a tendency to put exes on a pedestal for a while after the break up. This time is a little different though. My last girlfriend really was one of those one in a million girls that you almost never find. Super model gorgeous, smart, kind, funny, totally unpretentious, super friendly, super positive... the list could go on forever. She treated me super well, but I took her for granted, and while the details aren't important, did some things that eventually caused her to leave me (not cheating, it had to do with being too focused on a career)

 

It's not just me either. When my friends learned about the breakup, they all seemed to agree that she was going to be a very hard act to follow. In past breakups, I've gotten the standard, "plenty of fish in the sea," line a lot. This time, people who knew her aren't really telling me that, they're usually just telling me that they're sorry and they can't believe I let her get away.

 

I'm not much of a catch at the moment either. When I met her, I was in my late 20s with a decent job and a good place to live. Now, I'm in my early 30s, and went back to school for a master's degree, so I'm poor and actually currently homeless, I'm sleeping on a friends couch at the moment. I'll be able to start putting my life together again in about a year when I finish school.

 

Anyway, that's not so important, the point is, I dated a girl who loved me, and I took her for granted, and she will be almost impossible to replace. How do you get over something like that? I'd like to date again at some point, but almost nobody measures up to her, I'm getting older and feel like I'm becoming less and less of a catch anyways, and I don't think I'll ever be able to find someone who can replace her. How do I cope with this?

 

Well, I can so relate to that. My ex, he was a genius when it came to studies and anything related. He was very sweet, kind, loving and the kinda guy who gives money to people who he will most likely never see him again. He's a unique guy and we were madly in love. I told him everything, things that I haven't told my parents.

 

And then five months ago, we were on a break and a guy kissed me. The circumstances under which we had taken a break left me vulnerable and I kissed this guy back. But I also told my ex what had happened because I did not want to lie to him. When my ex found out, he went beserk and we broke up.

 

He is a hard act to follow. I know it in my soul. And I also know that he and I, we cannot be together right now. Will we be together in the future? I don't know. I love him, I always will. He was the first guy I fell in love with. And coping?

 

Well:

 

1. Keep No Contact with her. I know you will want to call her and talk to her because you miss her voice and you want to make sure she is doing okay. But the only thing that will do is pour salt on your wounds. It's painful and it feel leave you hurting more.

 

2. Do things that occupy your mind. I know it's hard to get her off of your mind, but just immerse yourself in things. Work out, read a book, hang out with people.

 

3. Make a list of bad attributes. You most likely won't want to do that, but it's the only way to get her off of that pedestal. Hearing out loud all the bad things she did helps.

 

4. Post on here, it helps to see that there are people that are going through this and are surviving it.

 

I hope this helps a little bit.

[villageman]

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately a lot of what you recommend is difficult

 

As for no contact, I already broke that rule a long time ago. The thing that really ended the relationship was that I moved away for 9 months for school. Now I'm back, and we had a cat together which she now wants to get rid of, and I have to meet her to talk about what to do, and if it's possible for me to take the cat. After that, (which I think will be very difficult and probably set me back a lot), I'm going to try to stop contacting her. Just too painful.

 

As for making the list of bad attributes, I've tried this SO many times. Honestly, she had almost none. If anything, her biggest thing that bothered me was that she didn't seem to trust me, but I gave her plenty of reasons to feel that way. For the most part, she was awesome, and there are very few things about her that she did just about who she is as a person that I didn't like.

 

The way I can kind of get around this is to think about the bad aspects of the relationship itself. She was an awesome girl, but our relationship was not very healthy. We didn't communicate very well, I didn't totally appreciate her sometimes, she didn't totally trust me sometimes... that stuff wasn't so good. But a lot of it was due to me taking her for granted... so that only helps a little.

 

I guess it's just going to have to be a lot of time, and accepting that I may never find someone like her again.

[Appleness]

Villageman,

 

If you truly feel this way about her, have you by any chance told her this? I mean, you seem very articulate here and if this is one one girl that you stand to lose, why let her be the one that got away?

 

Seriously, I know everyone is all fire and brimstone about "move on, you'll find someone else". Ultimately, it's YOUR life. You have to live with YOUR regrets. If you know you took her for granted, prove that you've changed or at least that you'll make an effort. Getting over someone doesn't always result in finding someone better. Sometimes it just means that you learn to settle with less. If you really want her back, you'll show her that you'll do what it takes to deserve her, right?

[january2011]

I suspect that your current circumstances are playing havoc with your mood and your self-esteem.

 

Once you re-build your life and clear your head, I think that your assessment of the situation is likely to be a lot more realistic.

 

Even if you got back together with her, things will not be the same. They may not be better or worse, but they will be different.

 

I suggest that you focus on rebuilding your life. Then review the situation in a year's time. If you still have feelings for her, reach out and see if she's still free and willing to at least talk about it.

[broken-and-lost]

i don't think anything anyone says will help right now, i feel similar about my ex but the cold facts are she is gone she was one in a million to me same as your girl and taking someone for granted well we have all done this at some point.

 

All you can do is focus on the masters right now i'm guessing you have already told her all this and she still left, i tried a million times over the last two years to tell my ex how much she means to me and how i feel, don't do it say it once and leave it there otherwise you are damaging yourself.

 

I'm still trying to figure out how to forget my one in a million so i can't help you with that just don't chase her do it once and try to move on best you can how ever yo can