! My dumper sent this yesterday. Bread crumb?

[Jamesblame]

My ex sent me this email last night in the early period of my initiated NC request. I don't want to get back together with her as our time apart has helped me realize just how different my life could be without her (for the better).

 

However, I have residual feelings for her, and I'd like to be friends with her once I become indifferent to her e.g., I don't feel like a knife is turning my chest whenever I think of her doing something fun without me.

 

My NC rule is pretty simple: contact her when I'm not sad, I can accept that she doesn't love me, I can be happy for her when she gets a new relationship, and my world won't collapse at the notion of her not being in my life.

 

However last night she sent this email to me, and I don't know if I should answer it or if its just bread crumbs to Fruck me over again. I can see it both ways and would love some input.

 

Background: We dated, took a break, she told me she had no romantic feelings for me.

 

 

"Hey,

 

Just wanted to let you know, I was looking at Duchess and it reminded me of how much I miss having you in my life. I know you are trying to deal with your own emotions and move on, but it still makes me very sad not to share things with you. It also makes me sad that we aren't friends on facebook anymore, though I know why you deleted me. I really hope you will talk to me again. You've meant so much to me for the past 3 years and I would be extremely devastated to lose you. I spent all weekend wanted to call you up and ask you how you were but I know that wasn't allowed. Just wanted you to know how much I think about you and miss you."

 

I already made a play to reconcile, and don't want to sacrifice the growth I've made in the past week. Regardless, I won't answer this for a couple weeks...but I really wish she hadn't sent it.

 

Why would she send this if: 1. She turned me down harshly, 2. Is active on a dating site and has been dating, and 3. I told her that in order to be friends she should leave me alone until I'm ok with her not being interested in me.

 

It just comes off really cruel. One step above a text message and yet just another unneeded LJBF message.

[Jamesblame]

Should I respond to this message in light of me wanting to be friends once I feel healthy enough away from her (and I traded up )?

 

Should I tell her I miss her too and to give me space?

 

Should I tell her that I respected her decision to end the romance, and she should respect my decision for space?

 

Should I reply to it at all?

 

Part of me is concerned because she could be serious and if I don't respond I'll "lose her." Another part of me (the brain) says that I already lost her. In fact she threw me away so she can f herself for missing me. Also, if she is serious about this sentiment then she'll be fine waiting a few weeks for me to get on my feet again. Otherwise its just false. And finally....I shouldn't respond because she broke my heart and I'm still spending energy thinking about making her feel better. In other words, I'm emotionally responding in BF mode instead of a separated person.

Edited July 17, 2012 by Jamesblame

[StrangeBehaviors]

No. Drive on.

[Ajax]

Considering the circumstances, I think it's best to let it go and not respond. That would invite further contact and would potentially give you false hope to cling to as well as stroke her ego. If you're meant to be friends with her someday then your paths will cross. If not, you'll move forward with your lives separately. Once you're indifferent, it won't matter anyway.

[amaysngrace]

yea I'm with the others...keep moving forward. She feels like you're slipping away and that's why she reached out.

[Yamaha]

She's being selfish.

I wouldn't respond to her. It's over.

[Gulf-Delta]

Be an adult about it. Ask her WTF she wants, why is she sending this, etc?

 

Ignoring her seems totally childish. Be polite but tell her if she's serious, it needs to be tihs way. Set your limits and boundaries...if she can't meet them, tell her theres nothing to say anymore.

[Ajax]

Be an adult about it. Ask her WTF she wants, why is she sending this, etc?

 

Ignoring her seems totally childish. Be polite but tell her if she's serious, it needs to be tihs way. Set your limits and boundaries...if she can't meet them, tell her theres nothing to say anymore.

 

Not really. She's already aware that he's going NC and why he's doing it. She's already made it clear that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with him. If he responds now she'll know that despite what he says, she can still get a response from him when she wants.

 

Best to just cut the cord and move on.

[Gulf-Delta]

Not really. She's already aware that he's going NC and why he's doing it. She's already made it clear that she doesn't want a romantic relationship with him. If he responds now she'll know that despite what he says, she can still get a response from him when she wants.

 

Best to just cut the cord and move on.

 

That's a good point, but I wasn't telling him to be like "Oh baby I love you, let's get married"....he can respond but still have the power, so to speak.

[Frank13]

yea I'm with the others...keep moving forward. She feels like you're slipping away and that's why she reached out.

 

Yeah, slipping away but she isn't interested in a romantic relationship. Pluse she knows why he is going NC.

 

Her text was the ultimate in selfishness. She doesn't deserve a response.

[Stanza]

If you're worried you can't be friends if you ignore her, reply saying you'll get back to her in time when you're ready, i.e. remind her you need your space but dont fully ignore her.

[Jamesblame]

Thanks so much for all the great replies, everybody!

 

I definitely think its time to ignore this one. Especially since the email was sent at midnight, and the possible causes are endless: Bad date, used for sex, drunk, etc.

 

Also, the letter really messed up my day. I was really upset all day thinking about this letter. The ex really isn't my cup of tea, and this letter (and the angst from reading it) helped reinforce that she was an important member of my past...but has very little place in my future. Hopefully we can be friends later on, but she really isn't a necessary fixture in my life.

 

The whole point of NC is to tell yourself and the ex that the relationship is no longer relevant to your life. If I were to contact her she would A.) Get satisfaction after she caused me pain yet again. And b.) Would take it as an invitation to keep contacting me whenever she had the notion.

 

In reality, her "I miss you" is nothing more than " I want you in my life even if you're hurt by it. And I'll use you as emotional support between boyfriends and FWBs"

 

Also note that she didn't once ask how I , the broken up, was feeling or doing. It was all "me, me, me."

 

First bread crumb and hopefully the last.

[Jamesblame]

That's a good point, but I wasn't telling him to be like "Oh baby I love you, let's get married"....he can respond but still have the power, so to speak.

 

I agree with this, mate. I don't want to ignore her because she emotionally hurts me, but rather because its unnecessary drama and energy to spend on her when I have more important things to worry about. And more pleasant things to think about.

[rAFC]

Thanks so much for all the great replies, everybody!

 

I definitely think its time to ignore this one. Especially since the email was sent at midnight, and the possible causes are endless: Bad date, used for sex, drunk, etc.

 

Also, the letter really messed up my day. I was really upset all day thinking about this letter. The ex really isn't my cup of tea, and this letter (and the angst from reading it) helped reinforce that she was an important member of my past...but has very little place in my future. Hopefully we can be friends later on, but she really isn't a necessary fixture in my life.

 

The whole point of NC is to tell yourself and the ex that the relationship is no longer relevant to your life. If I were to contact her she would A.) Get satisfaction after she caused me pain yet again. And b.) Would take it as an invitation to keep contacting me whenever she had the notion.

 

In reality, her "I miss you" is nothing more than " I want you in my life even if you're hurt by it. And I'll use you as emotional support between boyfriends and FWBs"

 

Also note that she didn't once ask how I , the broken up, was feeling or doing. It was all "me, me, me."

 

First bread crumb and hopefully the last.

 

You nailed it! Unless you want this selfish behavior of hers to continue, do not respond, not now nor in a few weeks.

 

It isn't childish to not respond, in fact it is the most mature thing you can do.

 

It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do and are doing it 100% right. Keep it up. Ignore the breadcrumbs. Move on with your life as bigger and better things await!

[Gulf-Delta]

You nailed it! Unless you want this selfish behavior of hers to continue, do not respond, not now nor in a few weeks.

 

It isn't childish to not respond, in fact it is the most mature thing you can do.

 

It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do and are doing it 100% right. Keep it up. Ignore the breadcrumbs. Move on with your life as bigger and better things await!

 

Ignoring her screams "you hurt me and I'm still mad"

[rAFC]

Ignoring her screams "you hurt me and I'm still mad"

 

Really, how did staying in contact with your ex after the break up work out for you?

 

I'm not judging you. Everyone hurts after they get dumped, it is human nature. You can bang your head against a wall and tell the people watching that it doesn't hurt so they think you're a tough guy all you want, but you are only hurting yourself and you aren't fooling anyone.

[Gulf-Delta]

Really, how did staying in contact with your ex after the break up work out for you?

 

I'm not judging you. Everyone hurts after they get dumped, it is human nature. You can bang your head against a wall and tell the people watching that it doesn't hurt so they think you're a tough guy all you want, but you are only hurting yourself and you aren't fooling anyone.

 

It has nothing to do with ego or being a "tough guy"

 

Fact is, this guy is here looking for advice...he cares about what she thinks...ignoring her will send the message that he's still bitter...

 

As far as my personal case goes...my ex has never contacted me

[StrangeBehaviors]

It has nothing to do with ego or being a "tough guy"

 

Fact is, this guy is here looking for advice...he cares about what she thinks...ignoring her will send the message that he's still bitter...

 

As far as my personal case goes...my ex has never contacted me

 

I think you are wrong. I think YOU think that's what an ex will think. (Feel like Dr. Seuss with that.) And that shows weakness and worry on your part.

 

There is also a probability that she will think, "He's completely over me, doesn't think anything of me, and has moved on"?

 

At the very least you should rationally think there is an equal probability. If that be the case, then he is in a better position for himself by not responding.

 

I believe most would think a higher probability. And I tend to agree. If this is true then the percentage is much more in the favor of not responding.

 

Regardless, he seems to have recognized for himself that the right thing is not to respond, hasn't, and is happy with his decision.

 

All that I just wrote, in Lamens Terms.....F#@k 'dat B!tch!

[RickFox]

Ignoring her screams "you hurt me and I'm still mad"

 

No, ignoring her means "you aren't worth my time and I could care less what you have to say."

[Jamesblame]

Haha, good points on each side.

 

I think my ex will be fine without a response for right now. I know that when I dump somebody I sure don't feel bad if they choose not to respond to anything I may send.

 

Also, on my fb, I'm pretty clear about the general feelings of positivity and well wishing I direct to her. She knows I just don't want to talk to her right now (we're not FB friends and I have a private profile, but we share friends.). If she was so concerned I'm sure one of our mutual friends would have let her know by now. If not...well I don't really care.

 

Frankly I could go on for hours about her positive and negative traits. And they balance out to my general respect and good feelings. But at the same time, moving away from our relationship is more important than making her feel good.

 

Why would you ask a dumpee for support when you dumped them? It's nonsensical and a silly thing to do.

[Jamesblame]

I'm not bitter as much as I value getting my own life and ducks in order BEFORE worrying about what she's doing and how she's feeling.

 

The fact is we both messed up and we need the space. It doesn't matter if she ended it or I did. Either way I'm glad she did.

[Gulf-Delta]

No, ignoring her means "you aren't worth my time and I could care less what you have to say."

 

Which is a fine message to send...IF he actually feels that way. He doesn't. If he truly felt she wasn't worth his time, etc. he wouldn't be asking for advice, he'd just delete the message, the end.

[WordvAction]

Messaging her at this point will just continue to mess up your mind and threaten to destroy the progress you've made. If she cares that much about you then she can wait until you're good and moved on. Ignore this message and continue NC.