BF gets jealous thinking of past hookup, how can I make him see how much I care??

[LilliLu4]

When my boyfriend "Mike" and I first met I was seeing someone else, "John." John was the charismatic, bad-boy, player-type and for some reason I was fixated on gaining his affection. I was attracted to him but knew we had NO future. I was too infatuated, however, to make good decisions physically and ended up sleeping with him in what I now see as a desperate attempt to gain his affection. Mike and I met through John and became good friends. I often vented to Mike about John and he knows our entire sexual history.

 

When I started falling for Mike and we finally kissed, I knew everything with John was over and told him so. I have never ever looked back or missed anything about my relationship, or lackthereof, with John. Mike and I are completely in love and have spent a wonderful 8 months together.

 

Mike, however, is extremely jealous of John. Every now and then John crosses his mind and he goes crazy, asking me incessant questions about me and John's sex life, what I saw in him, whether or not I just fell for Mike because he was the "nice guy" to John's bad-guy act.

 

I am completely frustrated because I have rehatched this issued with Mike a million times, I have explained to him that I was going through a strange phase and had a strange attraction to John but that it completley melted away as soon as Mike and I kissed. Mike has changed my life and my attitudes and I love him to death but I don't think I can explain my feelings any better than I already have. How can I make him realize there is no need to be jealous and that everything between me and him is better than it has been with anyone else? I can't change the past, so how do I fix this problem!?! HELP! Thank you

[tanbark813]

Tell Mike that he has a bigger d!ck than John.

 

If, like you stated, you've already been through this many times with Mike and he won't listen to reason and isn't satisfied by your explanation of your feelings for him, then just go the ego-stroking route. Guys never get tired of hearing shameless penis compliments.

 

[clouded]

Perhaps I can help in this question a little. Your dilema is somewhat related to one I have with my current gf. Perhaps I can give you some insight into what your partner may be thinking and experiencing.

 

We have been going out a few more months and I have issues with my partners past. I can relate completely to your partner, it sounds like he has the same issues I do. At times everything will be fine, whilst every now and then a reference will trigger off a thought, and the thought will be related to my partners past. My partner had cheated on her past boyfriend with someone due to only attractive looks, although this has nothing to do with our current relationship it is something that seriously bothers me.

 

At first, my reaction was that my gf had done something in the past with another partner I was not happy about, in fact it makes me quite sick when I think about it. Naturally in my mind I questioned her actions, I couldnt believe she had cheated with this other guy, someone that she would not date but simply looked good so she slept with him. I hated the thought so much but at the same time I felt I had to know exactly what happened. I did this because I feel I would rather simply KNOW what happened than sit down each and every day thinking of alternate scenarios as to what happened exactly.

 

Now I know this isnt the same case with your partner, however he is probably reacting the same way I do. He feels so torn by the knowledge of your history and scenarios of what 'may' have happened between you and your ex partner will go through his mind constantly, he wants them to stop. He feels if he knows what happened exactly he no longer has to sit there and guess what happened. This worked for me, it stopped my alternate scenario generation completely, but it also had a nasty side effect of bringing up MORE questions in my mind, such as why she did what she did and how could she etc...

 

Your partner will most probably go through the same ordeal. If he is like me, he will be desperate to know all the details to ease his mind. If you want to give him some advice from me, its best not to know ALL the details. If you must, tell him some details but be vague, knowing what happened is ok but being able to picture it in detail is much worse than not knowing anything.

 

Another thing that strikes me as very similar to my scenario is the fact that you say how much you have changed, your life has changed now that you are with your new partner. What would make me feel at ease with my partner would be if she told me this - that in her past, like everyone, we have times where we are unsure of what we want in life. You realised after being with this past partner that they were not what you wanted, the experience taught you that. You learnt from the experience that you look for different things in a partner and you have found those things in him. You realiI think its important you tell him the point that you dont have any thoughts about this ex what so ever and no desires to go back to him or anyone like him. I wish my partner would say these simple to me, they would help so much. Perhaps this is what he is craving to hear?

 

Again I know this is a slightly different scenario we have, however there are two significant similarities which is why I think what Ive said 'may' help. I still question why my parnter could have been with someone completely opposite to me in every way and do the things she did, however I guess when it comes down to it we learn what we want through having what we dont.

 

Hope this helps.

[teck21]

Hi Lili,

 

I hope I can help you because I find that I am in the same predicament as clouded is, although I believe I’ve had an epiphany, thanks to you. 

 

My GF, whom I love so dearly seems to be you, but in my world. 

 

My GF has had her share of toads because she went through a phase in her life when she was extremely confused and vulnerable.

 

Over the few months we’ve been together, as we learn the most intimate details about each other, she has revealed more of her history to me. Each time something about an ex came up, I’d be totally distrssed, especially when more names began to be tossed into the ring, the last having been rather recent.

 

I would find myself totally consumed by depression and totally distraught, with all kinds of horrible thoughts running through my head, thoughts I’m sure similar to your bf’s.

 

I spent a lot of time brooding and then brooding some more, and all I could think of was smashing my hand against the wall till I broke every finger.

 

I always wondered why I’d be so, even though I’d received repeated assurances that the past was the past. Not to mention that even before she started telling me about all the other a**h***s in her life, they’d already been hinted at in conversation.

 

I always wondered why I had such a hard time dealing with it, why I should suffer so much pain over this, and in turn inflict it on her via my depression.

 

At first, I put it down to jealousy, that I was worried that someone from her past would somehow find his way back to snatch her from me. But nothing I’d seen indicated to me that she loved me with anything other than her whole heart and that there’s no more room for anyone else, past or not.

 

Yet things did not improve and I’d still get upset everytime a name from the past was even hinted at.

 

I then realized what the problem was. My insecurity was not about losing her affection at all. It’s just like ‘whether or not I just fell for Mike because he was the "nice guy" to John's bad-guy act’. The real issue was my fear that I was being loved for the wrong reasons, just like it appears to be the case with your bf. I desperately don’t want to be someone else’s ‘suitable candidate’, ‘last chance saloon’ or any one of a million other metaphors.

 

But your post has helped me see things better, now that I realize my gf.loves me the way you do your bf. I have always known it, but it had to be felt at a visceral level, and not until I read this thread, not once, but many times over the past few days have I felt it. It’s like catharsis. Thank you, and tonight I am going to surprise my gf (it’s exactly 6 months now). I will tell her that I am now okay, and will leave it at that. I think she’ll be pleasantly surprised. 

 

The next post I will suggest some things I think you can do.

[dudesomewhere]

where's my hand on chin, contemplation emoticon?

 

hmm, indeed.

 

I think I am the nicest of all the nice/good guys on the planet. I don't believe such a thing is a compliment to one's self but just a statement I think of who I am . I wouldn't think it bragging if anyone considered themselves such a person. I would however think it to be bragging if they were the opposite and claiming so, ie., the jerk/bad boy type. I once said to someone in a joking way "I'm a nice guy, that's why no women want me." The person I thought I was just joking with reacted seriously "You are so arrogant. I know a lot of people nicer than you." To that I was dumbfounded.

 

Very interesting indeed. Let me say now that this is just my experience and situation and may have no correlation with what you have.

 

That said...I look at the situations/relationships I've been through where I appear to be the opposite type of the norm someone has dated and to which they've also stated. I'll then question why they are with me in all those numerous ways. And to prove what I say or my beliefs, if I step out of the picture they go back to what they said I was opposite of. It's a fun and enlightening thing to do.

 

So in my situation, the female is never really attracted to me. It is just that I am so safe and comfortable, they are lulled into thinking they are attracted when in fact they are not.

 

So thank you for the post, it is very interesting to me. I have always proved the non attraction that exists when someone thinks they are attracted to me. . Lucky be these guys who think or believe or know, whichever the case, that the person who is with them now actually loves them or is attracted to them and not because of them being so safe.