Mr Spock Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Jeez. I really thought I was getting over the need to contact my ex MM-why NOW do I want to email him and give him the ultimatum of telling his wife or I will? Please, loveshack...help....... I want to email him. To tell him that I don't want to be hurtful to his wife which is why I'm giving him the opportunity to tell her first, before I or one of my minions do....... I need to sort through this urge. Give me some feedback, I've got to step away from the computer and scoop out the catbox.... Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I don't know your story unfortunately. Why do you want to tell the wife? Do you know her? Link to post Share on other sites
ICantStopLovinHim Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Did you ever think that the need to contact him or email him about telling his wife is just an excuse to contact him? I have been through this over and over ( not the telling the wifebit ) but for reasons to call or reasons to write him i even contemplated making things up just to have a reason....Its your decision to tell her like you have heard b4 make sure its for the right reason and it should be for you and noone else BUT you Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Spock, I've never gotten a clear idea of what exactly, is the result you hope for if she finds out? I understand your desire to contact him, but not why you want to hurt her. You know it will honey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted July 8, 2004 Author Share Posted July 8, 2004 I know it will. But he's a dog-he needs to stop cheating, stop doing to others what he's done to me........ It may just be an excuse to contact him. I miss him, the stupid bastard. I don't know what I want to happen. Everyone EVERYONE else knows. Maybe just that they both avoid me like the plague.... Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Unless you're friends with his wife it would be disrespectful of you to tell his wife. You both had a relationship together when he was married. You agreed to it and he agreed to it. You had a mutual understanding. I think it is unfair for you now to suddenly feel as though you're going to take the moral high ground with him and make him tell his wife or you will. It is your not responsibility to tell his wife it is his responsibility and unless you have some obligation to her (she's a family member or friend) I don't think you should say anything. Link to post Share on other sites
kiababy Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I KNOW you shouldn't say anything. And what makes you think telling her will stop him from cheating? I've posted a dozen times that back in the fall one of my MM's ex-girls called his wife and told her about their affair. Thank God she didn't know about me....or any of the other women he was seeing at the time. We couldn't see each other for about 6 weeks but kept in touch the entire time. He and his wife went through hell, he promised not to cheat.....she forgave him......and the second he got an ounce of freedom, he was back at my house. The same guilt that your MM said made him stop seeing you, will eventually torture him into telling her. Don't make yourself the bad guy if you don't have to be. I understand you miss him, of course you will, for a while at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Love2BLoved Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 It's not your place to tell her. Either way you do not want to tell his wife for the right reasons. It seems to me that you want to do it out of anger and hurt, you want to make him pay for still being with her!!! I really don't think that you should tell her anything, for all you know it will probably blow up in your face and then it will be worse for you! What would happen if she decides to forgive him and he in return decides to never speak to you again, what will you gain? Just more anger! Maybe she even knows about it already and she has decided to live like that! Why hurt her? She's not the one that's causing you all this pain it's him!!!!! HE cheated on HER. HE is the one that's playing YOU for a fool not HER!!! YOU are the one that agreed to be in that type of relationship now it's time to face the consequences and not try to screw up other people's life because yours is messed up. Quit trying to find excuses to have contact with him and after a while you will probably feel much better about this whole ordeal. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 All I know is that if I was the wife, I would definitely want to know if my husband was, or has been cheating on me. Link to post Share on other sites
MidNiteAgl Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 I am sorry but I totally disagree with Love2BLoved. This man's wife deserves to know what her husband is doing. Not telling her will only cause her more pain in the long run. Let's say 6 months or so down the road, he goes out and finds another OW and brings her home something? Who's to say that she wouldn't have left him before if she had only known about this time. She has the right to know. He is playing his wife for the FOOL. She has the right to know what her husband did. Originally posted by Love2BLoved YOU are the one that agreed to be in that type of relationship now it's time to face the consequences and not try to screw up other people's life because yours is messed up. The way you say this you are almost making it look like this married man had nothing to do with their relationship. I am sorry but he needs to face the consequences also. The consequences being that his wife finding out what he had done behind her back. She would not be "screwing" up this lady's life by not telling her. Actually, she could be saving her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Last time I checked the OW wasn't married to this man and the wife of this man wasn't married to the OW. Let's stop with the moral high ground bull****. An OW is an OW and it is not your moral obligation to tell the wife that her husband is screwing around. Seriously, give me a break. You sleep with a married man, get pissed that he ends it, hurts you, or any other thing he does that you dislike and you want to tell his wife? Sounds so vindictive to me. You're not looking out for his wife or you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. Let this man deal with his own crap in his own marriage and stay out of it like you should have in the first place. I'm not one to sit here and tell anyone they're a bad person for having an affair with a married person. Like I said in other posts I'm not sure I'm on the "monogamy is the only way" bandwagon but I certainly don't think it's appropriate for anyone that has an affair with a married person to suddenly feel it's their obligation to right the moral wrong committed in someone else's marriage. It's really is so hypocritical don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Spock, when a relationship ends before its time, at least as felt by the party still madly in love, that party, I'll call her the dumpee, goes through unimaginable heartbreak, loss and pain. The dumpee's emotional trajectory resembles Elizabeth Kubler Ross' stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I know, I've been there. Right now, you're in some amalgam of deep depression and incendiary rage. You are temporarily insane, woman. Ask yourself this: Do I want to nuke someone's family when I'm in such pain that it has clouded my moral and rational judgment? Give yourself 6 months, or at least until you're at the acceptance phase of this painful process, and then, when your judgment is not distorted by rage and the thirst for vengeance, decide whether to tell the MM's wife that her husband is a cheating bastard. But don't do something now, especially something that may have catastrophic repercussions, while you're in your days of rage. I believe you're a good, decent person, Spock. Prove me right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 I'm just REALLY confrontational right now...I don't know why, I'm just not backing down from ANYTHING... I'm not going to contact him. I'm just not. And not for olivia's or love2beloved reasons, because I fully believe most of your post was garbage. And Sinner, I'm not THAT good a person. You know why? Because honestly the big assh*le doesn't deserve anything from me. No contact. Regardless of marital status, anyone who doesn't think I'm worth dying for can get off the porch..... I've just been having the urge to be confrontational lately, and I don't know why. Work, life everything..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 PS-Olivia, love2beloved, see how confrontational I am? Just ignore my calling your posts garbage....I suppose I'm looking for another arguement. Forgive me. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 And Sinner, I'm not THAT good a person. I recognize that Spock. That's what makes you interesting. Perfection is such a bore. Saying that, my gut instincts tell me that you are fundamentally decent. Sorry to disappoint... Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 PS-Olivia, love2beloved, see how confrontational I am? Just ignore my calling your posts garbage....I suppose I'm looking for another arguement. Forgive me. You don't have to apologize You don't have to agree with me either. Doesn't mean I think less of you because you don't agree with me. Doesn't mean I think less of you because you make a decision that I disagree with. I may call out what I think is hypocritical or double standard but that's just my opinion. It's your life, you have to make your own decisions and you're the only one that has to live with them. One day we'll agree. One day we won't. Doesn't mean we're not equals. Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted July 9, 2004 Share Posted July 9, 2004 Spock, I don't know what's your story and what exactly has happen that has made you feel so awful, but I'm sure that it has to do something with MM not leaving his wife or him leaving you. I do know that at this moment you might feel like trash and like you are not worth anything (correct me if I'm wrong) and that he's the filthiest of the filthiest piece of $h!t. Truth is he might really be a total a$$h013, but that does not mean you have to sink to his level. I am pretty sure that before meeting this man you had a peaceful soul but this relationship has really messed with you. You have to let him go and let him deal with his guilt himself and if he doesn't have any guilt, well then he can go to h3!!. All these men do not stop to think that with their selfishness they destroy a lot of people and unfortunately you and many of us here have had to go through this or sooner than later will probably go through it, but this should only make you stronger do not let it break youI am sorry but I totally disagree with Love2BLoved. This man's wife deserves to know what her husband is doing. Not telling her will only cause her more pain in the long run. Let's say 6 months or so down the road, he goes out and finds another OW and brings her home something? Who's to say that she wouldn't have left him before if she had only known about this time. She has the right to know. He is playing his wife for the FOOL. She has the right to know what her husband did. Originally posted by MidNiteAgl I am sorry but I totally disagree with Love2BLoved. This man's wife deserves to know what her husband is doing. Not telling her will only cause her more pain in the long run. Let's say 6 months or so down the road, he goes out and finds another OW and brings her home something? Who's to say that she wouldn't have left him before if she had only known about this time. She has the right to know. He is playing his wife for the FOOL. She has the right to know what her husband did. I agree his wife should find out, but I don't think that it should be by you. That will only end up hurting you more in the end. I know that at this moment you want to find the worst way possible to make him pay for all the pain and suffering he has caused you but I know that you are a better person than that!!! I know that because I saw your opology to Olivia & Love2bloved and let me tell you it takes a kind and noble person to do that!!! If you need someone who understands you or someone to just hear you out I will be around here and believe me I know how it feels!!!! I'm sure that a lot of other women here can also feel your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted July 9, 2004 Author Share Posted July 9, 2004 His wife should know, but not from me. I agree. I just told kiababy that it's more perhaps I want some kind of validation...like "Helloooooooooo....acknowledge me....you f*ck...." It sucks. He's such a jerk....like I said. It takes two to tango, but I will only be able to put this behind me if I play the victim. Just was overwhelmed with the need to contact him, to make him sh*t his pants a little. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Regardless of marital status, anyone who doesn't think I'm worth dying for can get off the porch..... That's a great way to look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted July 10, 2004 Author Share Posted July 10, 2004 Thanks Naive. He's just such a Sh*t.......I have all this residual need to hurt-will have to try and channel it out in a non-agressive way. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Spock, I know someone in a similar position to you. With her, the anger, hatred and need for revenge is there because she still loves him much as she hates to admit it. She recently gave in to the need to hurt. At first it feels great but because she cares in the end it hurt her too. It's not worth the risk, I think you will regret it. Why choose a non-aggressive outlet? That aggression needs release. Have a rant room in your house, learn to play an aggressive sport - one with a lot of shouting, preferably (fencing? ). This is a phase in the healing process and it will pass. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyBoo Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 For what it's worth......you sound angry which tells me your hurting which is why I think you want to confront him. It must be awful for you right now but I think to WAIT talk, talk , talk to your friends ...punch pillows ..take up kick boxing. Do anything that helps and if in a few months down the road you still want to kick ass......then your kick will be a lot stronger!!!! Seriouslly he's NOT WORTH it ...........put your energy into taking care of you.......... Good Luck and YES my post is **** but sincere Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr Spock Posted July 11, 2004 Author Share Posted July 11, 2004 It's very hard. They were having a garage sale the other day-I wanted to go, but fortunately found somethine else to do instead. I mentioned to someone I'd like to go up, pick something and ask "Did this mean something to you? I'll take it" then light it on fire in the driveway...oh drama.... I won't force a confrontation. It will happen on it's own, eventually, and I can only hope it comes back to bite him in the ass someday. I'm sure that it will, as enough people know....just hard to get over the urge to send out an email. You're right, he doesn't deserve contact and it will just hurt me more and remind me that he really doesn't want anything further to do with me like I do with him Grrrr. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 Yep, went through that as well. Even though my MM supposedly told his wife everything when he informed her that he wanted a divorce. I'm not quite sure that I believe anything he ever told me anymore. Anyways, IMO you want to tell the wife because you want him to be hurting and going through pain just like you are. Why afterall do all these MM get to go back to wife, kids and family and live happily ever after. They should live in eternal misery as far as I am concerned. And since it has been some time now since he left you - he has not changed his mind like you expected - you are p.o.d- it is kind of the attitude that "if I can't have him, no body will". By the way, I recorded all the (interesting) voice messages my MM ever left me - some of those are just priceless. I am not sure what I will or can do with them - but just having them gives me great pleasure. This is the last phase before acceptance that he has indeed left you. If I made it through this - so can you. Link to post Share on other sites
justcallmesnug Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 I understand what you are saying about teling the wife, and I think of it daily. Things with the MM have turned very ugly, as of late. I agree with waiting for the rage to pass. If you feel like telling her in six months, then youve given yourself time to make a decision based on something than anger or hurt ir whatever. Do you want to tell her to anger her or to hurt him? I think the motive for wanting to tell her is important. Will you regret this? What will it accomplish? I want to tell MM's wife, but what I want to say is I love this man, and if you are just in a "situation" with him because of your kids, then allow the man to have a relationship with his kids as it is now, but let him have an adult relationship based on real love rather than a circumstance. This is what I would say. He told her last year he was kissing me and that we got along. He said she said "well, I can get something going too", and he said she didnt care that much, as she has no romantic or sexual interest in him, or anything else for that matter. However, he never said anything else about me, and a whole year has passed. So when he did not say anything further, I thought it was because of me. So it hurts very much. Three years of my life invested, and he never did one thing to make me feel more secure; futhermore, once I asked him to be open with her about me, he really changed towards me. So I understand. You have to do what is best for your situation, as far as telling her. Just think hard first. Link to post Share on other sites
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